Bohdi09
02-09-2014, 10:06 AM
Sorry for such a massive post, I didn't know wgat section to put it under but it explains why i've came here. I've always had social anxiety (was diagnosed 2 years ago) and I become depressed periodically but something happened to me and I cant leave the house, I even feel uneasy seeing a window so I have the curtains shut.
Something happened in my social circle and I was accused of doing things I didn't do. The things people were saying about me were horrifying and my friends & family were so angry at these rumors being spread around given it was not 'me' they were describing. This had led my relationship of 7 years to become unstuck, I was so angry he was believing them and I demanded that we meet up with all of them so we can sort it out as something was obviously, grossly misinterpreted. They wouldn't talk to me when i text and phoned to try to clear my name so i was furious and sent them angry texts saying what harm they've done gossiping about this and that is they have respect for us they need to get in touch.
My biggest fear with my anxiety is that everyone hates me and with my boyfriend being with me for so long normally I rely on him when I get anxious and he helps me calm down. This time every one actually did hate me, it wasn't me being paranoid, but because of these rumors he'd turned his back on me too. I was alone, they hated me and he didn't want me. I depend on him emotionally and financially so my world had collapsed. I couldn't even sleep in my own house, I lost everything, I had to stay at my mums. I was battling the urge to go down and empty her medicine cabinet then return to bed so I would be dead by morning but she was always in the bathroom, I couldn't do it without being seen.
Eventually, he spoke to me and things were okay. I was happy that the things they'd said could easily be explained away given the chance and he text them for us to all meet up the next day and sort it out so everything could return to normal. One of my friends was seeing the people saying these nasty things last night and she was going to find out why they wont reply to me and try to understand wtf happened. She phoned me later and repeated to me what they had seen that night. I was comfortable answering because I knew I was in the right but as she was telling me what them said adrenaline kicked in as they would not be lying but I cant remember being quiet that bad. Then she told me something I done/tried to do and my body felt like it set on fire. I started to sob. She said 'dont worry, you just forgot thats all. Its not the end of the world' then the panic attack started. I told her I don't remember but I couldn't stop screaming it. I begun to wail screaming 'I cant remember' then I dropped the phone and was grabbing at my wardrobe putting clothes on. He came in asking what happened and I told him what she said whilst rushing for the front door and into the darkness.
I was wandering the streets and I was jumping at every sound and I could see people where there wasn't anyone I had to stop at certain places and cover my face sobbing so I could see them. I decided to go back because I was terrified and to tell my boyfriend to section me as I was going to do something stupid. If I found anything that I could of killed myself with whilst I was out I would of and without hesitation, I have not felt fear like that.
I got back to my house and it was locked. The door was locked. I couldn't get in and I sat and cried thinking what to do as I couldn't get inside. I decided to walk to my mums house which wasn't far away but when i got in her outer-door way I couldn't get in there either. The door was locked and the lights were off. I fell to the floor sobbed and panic attack in full swing the walls were so narrow and I couldn't get indoors. My arms, feet and wrists were contorted and curled in like a claw and my eyes wouldn't stay focused. My jaw was off to one side and I was wailing, screaming and crying for my mum and that 'I'm scared, I can't get in, I can't remember, why didn't they help me? what happened to me?' . I couldn't control my body, the sound I was making scared me but I couldn't stop. My mouth was screaming but I wasn't telling myself to say these things.
I then realized I needed to go back, that he would eventfully decide to check home again but when I was walking round there a random drunk bloke tugged at me and asked for my number. I said no and didn't stop. I wondered if that was even real? I was too scared to look back incase he wasn't and it freaked me out more. I got to the door but it was still locked. I didn't have an outer door way so i was scared what happened to me at my mums would happen to me there, in full view of the street. The drunk man came back, I herd him shouting so I hid down an alley way. I had to come out though because my colour of my coat. It was black and white and hed see me and come over because i was hiding so I walked back to my door and stared at it as he passed by. I checked all the windows but they were locked so I tried the pry the door open with my nails and snap the door handle off with my bare hands. In my state I thought I could actually bend chrome. I was freaking out but trying to control it so passers by couldn't see it (even though it was 1am and the street was empty savor the drunk man but I felt a crowd behind me).
When i saw my boyfriend turn up I wailed and curled up again, I was screaming at him to let me in. He had the key in the door and i was throwing myself at it to get through. Soon as it unlocked I feel through and ran to the sofa, curling up in a ball freaking out like i did at my mums. I couldn't control it, my eyes were so wide and my face so contorted he got my mum to come over to sort me out. He couldnt be in the same room as me as he was scred to go near me. I was terrified, it was a fear like no other. My eyes looked like a petrified horse, my mouth was locked in grief and my jaw would go side ways as i wailed. I couldn't move, I was literally petrified. She fed me water and calmed me down enough to a normal panic attack and took me home with her. I slept for 9 hours somehow, I think its because I couldn't remember what supposedly I'd done.
I was plastered on the night in question but I remember everything but what had happened, It wasn't just me being drunk and simply forgetting it, it felt like a hole punch in my consciousness and what I done was not me. It wasn't me who done that but I must of they really wouldn't lie. everythings fell apart and if I go outside again I'm terrified they'll see me. I've deleted my social media permanently and destroyed my phone. She doesn't understand how this memory loss is like it didnt happen. She keeps saying it's because I was drunk but you wouldn't forget something like that. Even though my partners heartbroken I don't feel truly sorry, I can't connect my actions to the outcome its totally disconnected. Is it even possible to lose a memory and act so out of character at the same time?
I cant see or speak to anyone but my mum. I'm okay at the moment, i'm having a permanent panic attack but its keeping me normal. If I relaxed I could lose control again. I haven't eaten much in a few days and my pee's almost black but I don't feel thirsty. I don't want to bath because the relaxation could freak me out, my body's given up on telling me what I need to do to survive. I've smoked 20+ cigarettes in 4 hours but i cant stop craving more. What the hell is happening to me?
Something happened in my social circle and I was accused of doing things I didn't do. The things people were saying about me were horrifying and my friends & family were so angry at these rumors being spread around given it was not 'me' they were describing. This had led my relationship of 7 years to become unstuck, I was so angry he was believing them and I demanded that we meet up with all of them so we can sort it out as something was obviously, grossly misinterpreted. They wouldn't talk to me when i text and phoned to try to clear my name so i was furious and sent them angry texts saying what harm they've done gossiping about this and that is they have respect for us they need to get in touch.
My biggest fear with my anxiety is that everyone hates me and with my boyfriend being with me for so long normally I rely on him when I get anxious and he helps me calm down. This time every one actually did hate me, it wasn't me being paranoid, but because of these rumors he'd turned his back on me too. I was alone, they hated me and he didn't want me. I depend on him emotionally and financially so my world had collapsed. I couldn't even sleep in my own house, I lost everything, I had to stay at my mums. I was battling the urge to go down and empty her medicine cabinet then return to bed so I would be dead by morning but she was always in the bathroom, I couldn't do it without being seen.
Eventually, he spoke to me and things were okay. I was happy that the things they'd said could easily be explained away given the chance and he text them for us to all meet up the next day and sort it out so everything could return to normal. One of my friends was seeing the people saying these nasty things last night and she was going to find out why they wont reply to me and try to understand wtf happened. She phoned me later and repeated to me what they had seen that night. I was comfortable answering because I knew I was in the right but as she was telling me what them said adrenaline kicked in as they would not be lying but I cant remember being quiet that bad. Then she told me something I done/tried to do and my body felt like it set on fire. I started to sob. She said 'dont worry, you just forgot thats all. Its not the end of the world' then the panic attack started. I told her I don't remember but I couldn't stop screaming it. I begun to wail screaming 'I cant remember' then I dropped the phone and was grabbing at my wardrobe putting clothes on. He came in asking what happened and I told him what she said whilst rushing for the front door and into the darkness.
I was wandering the streets and I was jumping at every sound and I could see people where there wasn't anyone I had to stop at certain places and cover my face sobbing so I could see them. I decided to go back because I was terrified and to tell my boyfriend to section me as I was going to do something stupid. If I found anything that I could of killed myself with whilst I was out I would of and without hesitation, I have not felt fear like that.
I got back to my house and it was locked. The door was locked. I couldn't get in and I sat and cried thinking what to do as I couldn't get inside. I decided to walk to my mums house which wasn't far away but when i got in her outer-door way I couldn't get in there either. The door was locked and the lights were off. I fell to the floor sobbed and panic attack in full swing the walls were so narrow and I couldn't get indoors. My arms, feet and wrists were contorted and curled in like a claw and my eyes wouldn't stay focused. My jaw was off to one side and I was wailing, screaming and crying for my mum and that 'I'm scared, I can't get in, I can't remember, why didn't they help me? what happened to me?' . I couldn't control my body, the sound I was making scared me but I couldn't stop. My mouth was screaming but I wasn't telling myself to say these things.
I then realized I needed to go back, that he would eventfully decide to check home again but when I was walking round there a random drunk bloke tugged at me and asked for my number. I said no and didn't stop. I wondered if that was even real? I was too scared to look back incase he wasn't and it freaked me out more. I got to the door but it was still locked. I didn't have an outer door way so i was scared what happened to me at my mums would happen to me there, in full view of the street. The drunk man came back, I herd him shouting so I hid down an alley way. I had to come out though because my colour of my coat. It was black and white and hed see me and come over because i was hiding so I walked back to my door and stared at it as he passed by. I checked all the windows but they were locked so I tried the pry the door open with my nails and snap the door handle off with my bare hands. In my state I thought I could actually bend chrome. I was freaking out but trying to control it so passers by couldn't see it (even though it was 1am and the street was empty savor the drunk man but I felt a crowd behind me).
When i saw my boyfriend turn up I wailed and curled up again, I was screaming at him to let me in. He had the key in the door and i was throwing myself at it to get through. Soon as it unlocked I feel through and ran to the sofa, curling up in a ball freaking out like i did at my mums. I couldn't control it, my eyes were so wide and my face so contorted he got my mum to come over to sort me out. He couldnt be in the same room as me as he was scred to go near me. I was terrified, it was a fear like no other. My eyes looked like a petrified horse, my mouth was locked in grief and my jaw would go side ways as i wailed. I couldn't move, I was literally petrified. She fed me water and calmed me down enough to a normal panic attack and took me home with her. I slept for 9 hours somehow, I think its because I couldn't remember what supposedly I'd done.
I was plastered on the night in question but I remember everything but what had happened, It wasn't just me being drunk and simply forgetting it, it felt like a hole punch in my consciousness and what I done was not me. It wasn't me who done that but I must of they really wouldn't lie. everythings fell apart and if I go outside again I'm terrified they'll see me. I've deleted my social media permanently and destroyed my phone. She doesn't understand how this memory loss is like it didnt happen. She keeps saying it's because I was drunk but you wouldn't forget something like that. Even though my partners heartbroken I don't feel truly sorry, I can't connect my actions to the outcome its totally disconnected. Is it even possible to lose a memory and act so out of character at the same time?
I cant see or speak to anyone but my mum. I'm okay at the moment, i'm having a permanent panic attack but its keeping me normal. If I relaxed I could lose control again. I haven't eaten much in a few days and my pee's almost black but I don't feel thirsty. I don't want to bath because the relaxation could freak me out, my body's given up on telling me what I need to do to survive. I've smoked 20+ cigarettes in 4 hours but i cant stop craving more. What the hell is happening to me?