sorgeloos
02-08-2014, 03:54 AM
I'm taking meds because doctor tells me. Depression stuff and calming meds. I am so afraid of dying, I'm only 23 years old. And I believe I'm gonna die every day. I have heart-palputations and everything else I feel in my body makes me believe I'm gonna die.
My doctor said it are panic attacks, but sometimes I read stuff on the internet I could have a condition, or something so rare like in a MD House episode (don't laugh, I can't watch that show anymore because I get the feeling I might have that condition.) or sometimes I see a show where someones aorta almost snapped and now I have fears my aorta could snap any moment now, I mean yesterday I had bruises without me remembering I hit something, what if my veins are snapping? I'm so scared, and I know it sounds idiotic, but I am just so scared. What if I really have something that can't be diagnosed? There is so much more I want to do in my life and I think I'm not gonna make it.
I probably tell what happend to me that got me in such a state. I didn't use to be like this, when I had heart palputations in my past, I shrugged it off and it went away...
My dad commited suicide, he hanged himself. He came to me a week before and wanted me to hold his hand and I said nothing and just let him go. It's two years ago now. The day of the funeral I got hit by asthma attack, something I didn't suffer from anymore when I was a lil' kid. It just came back on that day out of the blue and two months later I had my very first serious heart-palputation attack. I had almost 160 bpm and I suffered from it for 5 hours straight. That was my first time I realized I might die of a heart-attaque, after 5 hours we went to the doctor and I felt so relieved that I could cry, because finally she would find what's wrong with me.
But the only thing she said was that I had slightly heart-rythme of 100 bpm and I was baffled. I told her I had 160 bpm for 5 hours long and now suddenly it was gone. two days later another attack hitted me. Waiting in the wait-room was torture... I was thinking I was gonna die. When I entered her chamber I almost cried out of relief and she took my heart-rate, but again she said it dropped to 85 bpm suddenly. A week later it happend again and when I came back, she said the same thing and I began to cry. I asked her what if there was like (please don't laugh) a "consious" virus on my heart that "relieved" me when I visit her because she would not find the cause? I take meds now... now my panic attacks are once each month, but I still have fear each day I'm gonna die. According to my psych., it's because of the dead of my father. Every time I go to doctor for meds, she checks on me and says I'm in perfect health... I forgot my meds yesterday and don't know if it was because of that, but I got another panic attack. When I can't feel my heart beating, I'm afraid my heart is going to stop, but when I feel my heart beating, I'm afraid I'm going to get an heart-attaque.
None of my friends really understands me, I want to get rid of this fear. Please tell me I'm not in danger and I'm not the only one. I'm shaking now...
My doctor said it are panic attacks, but sometimes I read stuff on the internet I could have a condition, or something so rare like in a MD House episode (don't laugh, I can't watch that show anymore because I get the feeling I might have that condition.) or sometimes I see a show where someones aorta almost snapped and now I have fears my aorta could snap any moment now, I mean yesterday I had bruises without me remembering I hit something, what if my veins are snapping? I'm so scared, and I know it sounds idiotic, but I am just so scared. What if I really have something that can't be diagnosed? There is so much more I want to do in my life and I think I'm not gonna make it.
I probably tell what happend to me that got me in such a state. I didn't use to be like this, when I had heart palputations in my past, I shrugged it off and it went away...
My dad commited suicide, he hanged himself. He came to me a week before and wanted me to hold his hand and I said nothing and just let him go. It's two years ago now. The day of the funeral I got hit by asthma attack, something I didn't suffer from anymore when I was a lil' kid. It just came back on that day out of the blue and two months later I had my very first serious heart-palputation attack. I had almost 160 bpm and I suffered from it for 5 hours straight. That was my first time I realized I might die of a heart-attaque, after 5 hours we went to the doctor and I felt so relieved that I could cry, because finally she would find what's wrong with me.
But the only thing she said was that I had slightly heart-rythme of 100 bpm and I was baffled. I told her I had 160 bpm for 5 hours long and now suddenly it was gone. two days later another attack hitted me. Waiting in the wait-room was torture... I was thinking I was gonna die. When I entered her chamber I almost cried out of relief and she took my heart-rate, but again she said it dropped to 85 bpm suddenly. A week later it happend again and when I came back, she said the same thing and I began to cry. I asked her what if there was like (please don't laugh) a "consious" virus on my heart that "relieved" me when I visit her because she would not find the cause? I take meds now... now my panic attacks are once each month, but I still have fear each day I'm gonna die. According to my psych., it's because of the dead of my father. Every time I go to doctor for meds, she checks on me and says I'm in perfect health... I forgot my meds yesterday and don't know if it was because of that, but I got another panic attack. When I can't feel my heart beating, I'm afraid my heart is going to stop, but when I feel my heart beating, I'm afraid I'm going to get an heart-attaque.
None of my friends really understands me, I want to get rid of this fear. Please tell me I'm not in danger and I'm not the only one. I'm shaking now...