Michael33
02-07-2014, 07:18 PM
Hi everyone, I just recently decided I needed to join a forum because I felt a little bit alone in my current struggle with anxiety. I'm currently experiencing a little bit of my usual anxious episodes right now, so please excuse me if this post comes off a little bit confusing. I'm 19 years old, and I just started experiencing my issues almost two months ago.
My problems all began about two months ago. I'm a university student and I was actually studying psychology&cognitive science at the time (ironic right?), I was pulling very very frequent all nighters (about twice, perhaps three times a week). Some people said maybe this was part of an ongoing disorder, seeing as disruptive sleeping patterns are natural in many mental disorders, however for me I don't think this was the case only because I was actually extremely tired in the process, but I always left assignments and studying until the very late hours (start at 1am for example), and I'd force myself to keep my eyes open all night with the help of multiple coffees, which I only started drinking this year. Anyhow, all this lead up to a major panic attack where I made a family member rush me to the hospital because I felt as if I was having a heart attack. They told me I was fine, I just needed sleep and to stop getting so stressed out, I wish it would have been that easy.
Since that day, I absolutely did not feel like myself. I was always feeling edgy and eventually very anxious, and of course having studied psychology but with no experience in actually seeing first-hand what the disorders consist of, I literally self-diagnosed myself with every mental illness under the sun, and did so much online research which made my problems so much worse. Anyhow, I'll get to my main worry regarding my issues, hoping people can respond with similar worries so I feel a little better. I had a horrible anxiety attack in Florida after an argument with a family member, later that night, and the following two days I had completely lost my appetite and just felt HORRIBLE, I could not seem to clear my mind at all. I started doing research, and I self diagnosed myself with clinical depression and I read that it leads to suicidal thoughts and potential suicide. My heart stopped, INTENSE fear is the only two words I could use to describe it. Ever since then, I've persistently worried about just the word 'suicide', so much that I became fixated on it. I always tried confronting this stupid issue by saying "it's just a word, just like flower,pencil etc etc" but I still couldn't get the word out of my head. Hence, I did more research and freaked myself out even more. I'm not sure if the anxiety triggers the word to come to mind now, or if the word triggers my anxiety. Sometimes it feels as if my anxiety, or just myself is attacking this big fear I have of losing my mind and unintentionally killing myself(I know that's not possible, but it's that fear of losing control and hopeless feeling that leads to this)but sometimes I ask stuff in my brain like "should I kill myself", I don't want to at all and I know I never will, but asking myself that question makes me SO WORRIED because I read and studied people who are suicidal and they ask themselves stuff like that, it puts me into a frantic panic. I decided to take the semester off because I wanted all of this solved, although after two weeks off and not working either, pretty much just going out with friends, I sort of wish I had stayed in school. I've been feeling really weird lately as if the world has changed and I feel like the future is so dark for me now, as if I have nothing to look forward to, although I know I do - this sometimes isn't enough to talk myself out of how I feel. However, when I snap out of these little phases I feel AMAZING, or well, completely like myself.
I should also mention that my anxiety hardly ever bothers me during the day, if it does it's not nearly as bad as at night time!
Anyhow, I should mention that when I'm out with friends I can still have a very good time, but I hate and miss the fact that I cannot stay home all day anymore and just play some video games and RELAXXX, my thoughts just end up at the extreme. It also bothers me that because I had my first panic attack at my uncles house that it disturbs me to go there now because it brings back horrible memories of that day where it all began, so I sort of miss seeing them all the time as well. This stupid anxiety has changed my life drastically, I made some unnecessary decisions like taking school off, because I think I could have still very well managed. It will be two months since my first panic attack on February 11th, I know that it's only been a short time but it feels like I've been suffering from it for so long, and after having done research I'm finding it INCREDIBLY hard to accept the fact that I may have it for the rest of my life.
I see a psychologist, she helps me a lot but sometimes I question what she tells me because she's just way too optimistic, when I'm feeling bad I feel HORRIBLE, and she tells me that she thinks I'll just grow out of it and it's just a couple levels over where a normal persons anxiety levels should be. I'd love to believe this, but when I feel anxious like I do right now I'm just overall negative. I also took Lorazepam and Seroquel XR 50mg for two weeks, but I felt worse on the medication than off, and the asshole who prescribed them to me only talked to me for 5 minutes in a Florida hospital while on vacation, not to mention I was in a panic phase when I saw him so I may have over exaggerated.
Can anyone relate to my problems, or possibly give me some advice? Also how do you guys cope with this? And does the world seem different or somewhat weird since you started having anxiety? Sorry if I've posted in the wrong section, also my punctuation and the length of my post.. having very bad anxiety right now!
My problems all began about two months ago. I'm a university student and I was actually studying psychology&cognitive science at the time (ironic right?), I was pulling very very frequent all nighters (about twice, perhaps three times a week). Some people said maybe this was part of an ongoing disorder, seeing as disruptive sleeping patterns are natural in many mental disorders, however for me I don't think this was the case only because I was actually extremely tired in the process, but I always left assignments and studying until the very late hours (start at 1am for example), and I'd force myself to keep my eyes open all night with the help of multiple coffees, which I only started drinking this year. Anyhow, all this lead up to a major panic attack where I made a family member rush me to the hospital because I felt as if I was having a heart attack. They told me I was fine, I just needed sleep and to stop getting so stressed out, I wish it would have been that easy.
Since that day, I absolutely did not feel like myself. I was always feeling edgy and eventually very anxious, and of course having studied psychology but with no experience in actually seeing first-hand what the disorders consist of, I literally self-diagnosed myself with every mental illness under the sun, and did so much online research which made my problems so much worse. Anyhow, I'll get to my main worry regarding my issues, hoping people can respond with similar worries so I feel a little better. I had a horrible anxiety attack in Florida after an argument with a family member, later that night, and the following two days I had completely lost my appetite and just felt HORRIBLE, I could not seem to clear my mind at all. I started doing research, and I self diagnosed myself with clinical depression and I read that it leads to suicidal thoughts and potential suicide. My heart stopped, INTENSE fear is the only two words I could use to describe it. Ever since then, I've persistently worried about just the word 'suicide', so much that I became fixated on it. I always tried confronting this stupid issue by saying "it's just a word, just like flower,pencil etc etc" but I still couldn't get the word out of my head. Hence, I did more research and freaked myself out even more. I'm not sure if the anxiety triggers the word to come to mind now, or if the word triggers my anxiety. Sometimes it feels as if my anxiety, or just myself is attacking this big fear I have of losing my mind and unintentionally killing myself(I know that's not possible, but it's that fear of losing control and hopeless feeling that leads to this)but sometimes I ask stuff in my brain like "should I kill myself", I don't want to at all and I know I never will, but asking myself that question makes me SO WORRIED because I read and studied people who are suicidal and they ask themselves stuff like that, it puts me into a frantic panic. I decided to take the semester off because I wanted all of this solved, although after two weeks off and not working either, pretty much just going out with friends, I sort of wish I had stayed in school. I've been feeling really weird lately as if the world has changed and I feel like the future is so dark for me now, as if I have nothing to look forward to, although I know I do - this sometimes isn't enough to talk myself out of how I feel. However, when I snap out of these little phases I feel AMAZING, or well, completely like myself.
I should also mention that my anxiety hardly ever bothers me during the day, if it does it's not nearly as bad as at night time!
Anyhow, I should mention that when I'm out with friends I can still have a very good time, but I hate and miss the fact that I cannot stay home all day anymore and just play some video games and RELAXXX, my thoughts just end up at the extreme. It also bothers me that because I had my first panic attack at my uncles house that it disturbs me to go there now because it brings back horrible memories of that day where it all began, so I sort of miss seeing them all the time as well. This stupid anxiety has changed my life drastically, I made some unnecessary decisions like taking school off, because I think I could have still very well managed. It will be two months since my first panic attack on February 11th, I know that it's only been a short time but it feels like I've been suffering from it for so long, and after having done research I'm finding it INCREDIBLY hard to accept the fact that I may have it for the rest of my life.
I see a psychologist, she helps me a lot but sometimes I question what she tells me because she's just way too optimistic, when I'm feeling bad I feel HORRIBLE, and she tells me that she thinks I'll just grow out of it and it's just a couple levels over where a normal persons anxiety levels should be. I'd love to believe this, but when I feel anxious like I do right now I'm just overall negative. I also took Lorazepam and Seroquel XR 50mg for two weeks, but I felt worse on the medication than off, and the asshole who prescribed them to me only talked to me for 5 minutes in a Florida hospital while on vacation, not to mention I was in a panic phase when I saw him so I may have over exaggerated.
Can anyone relate to my problems, or possibly give me some advice? Also how do you guys cope with this? And does the world seem different or somewhat weird since you started having anxiety? Sorry if I've posted in the wrong section, also my punctuation and the length of my post.. having very bad anxiety right now!