Broken

[Joe Hill]

During that spring I tripped like 7 or 8 times on Shrooms and once on Acid, half of these times with Amanda and it was awesome.

TRIPPING ON SHROOMS IS THE FIRST TIME I FELT THE SENSATION OF ANXIETY IN MY LIFE. I thought it was interesting and it only lasted 20 minutes or so.

So now we've reached last June. I just got arrested and lost most of my money, the rest of my money goes to the lawyer, Amandas parents hate me, my mom and grandmother is disturbed. Amanda doesn't blame me and still loves me and I am shocked about that. But even after this I still wasn't stressed, no anxiety, I was more excited that I would have this story to tell my kids when they're old enough.

So me and Amanda live the poor life the rest of the summer, court was pushed to 6 months later so it wasn't on our minds. We both got a job at McDonalds and stayed at our friend Codys house. We still smoked all day every day.

VERY IMPORTANT:

The end of the summer came, Amandas parents started to like me again. Amanda went to college, after two weeks I went up to live with her in her dorm. Literally the description of my wildest fantasies a few months prior.

Two weeks before she left I got food poisoning for 2 days, puking once every 5 minutes. Amanda took care of me.

One week before she left: I started getting this annoying eye sensation. Like everytime I moved my eyes they would "bother" me. Everytime I tried to focus on something they would "bother" me. I had experienced this very very very briefly in high school, on a couple occasions. I assumed it was the lights. But this was different. It went on all day and I couldn't stop obsessively looking for an answer, I became worried that it wouldn't go away and it would ruin me and Amandas relationship. I couldn't wait to go to sleep that night and wake up to it being gone. But it didn't go away. It happened from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep every day for like 3 months.

The two weeks while she was gone we both felt seperation anxiety. My eyes were constantly bothering me. After a week of Amanda being gone out of NOWHERE I had a panic attack, I think from obsessing about my eyes, IDK. I had NEVER experienced anxiety before, and at first I had no idea what was happening. I called amanda and told her and she calmed me down.

A week later I went to go live with her in Maine. I was nervous. I don't think I had yet accepted the fact that we were dating and that she loved me. I was bewildered by it. I never thought I was good enough for someone like her and it lowered my self-confidence when it should have raised it.

I chilled in her dorm for a couple months, ate food at her dining hall, went to some of her classes with her. She has a few friends on campus and we chilled and smoked with them.

After 2 months I was smoking at her friends house (I guess you could call it our friends house now). And out of nowhere The room looked surreal, like I was dreaming. I felt like I weighed 10,000 lbs, everything looked like it was a cartoon. I thought I was having an acid flash back, or some kind of recursive trip from shrooms. I immediately started having a panic attack. For 60 seconds AKA 10 years I said nothing, and then I grabbed Amandas hand and told her I was having a panic attack. I know believe what I was experiencing was Derealization. I took another hit off the bong and I felt a wave of it come back. A bit of my normal self came back for a second and I said "This is so fucking awesome. This is a totally knew experiencing even though I feel like I'm panicking."

IDK if it was caused by my eyes bothering me, and over thinking it. I don't know if underlying anxiety caused my eyes to start, idk.

After that I became terrified that it was going to happen again. I tried all day every day to figure out the cause of my eye problems and why I was having a panic attack. I had another one 2 weeks later, and then they got more frequent.

Interestingly - While I was having a panic attack my eyes didn't bother me at all, which was kind of a relief, but just gave me another thing to question.


I got a job in Maine as a computer tech, and had to quit after a week and a half because my eyes were driving me crazy. I couldn't focus on anything else. And I became increasingly worried that my inceasant worrying was going to drive Amanda crazy. Eventually my panic attacks got longer and longer, I was constantly trying to find a cause, solve a problem that didn't exist, etc. I would calm myself down and the physical discomfort of my eyes would get worse, it was a loop.

Eventually i had to go to an eye doctor, I didn't have insurance in any state and still don't right now. But i went to Mass and my grandmother took me to the eye doctor. On the way to mass, my eyes felt 90 percent back to normal. Bizarre, right? I got to the eye doctor and they told me they were just dry. I got eye drops. I don't know if they did anything or not because the feeling in my eyes never came back exactly.

I went back to Maine and became increasingly anxious, living in my head. I still smoked and sometimes it made it worse and sometimes it didn't. I eventually stopped smoking for a month and nothing got better. I started smoking again. My court case came up and I was put on probation and had to stop smoking, that was like 2 months ago. I haven't smoked and don't know if I feel better.

VERY IMPORTANT:

After court I had to move back down to Boston. Amanda only had 3 weeks of school left and then she could come down and live with me in Plymouth.
I became increasingly anxious. Amanda came down after 3 weeks and for the first few days I felt better.

After about a week I started having severe depersonalization and derealization. I would look at people talking and it was like I was watching fear and loathing in las vegas. Nothing looked real. I looked at Amanda hoping for her to look familiar. She didn't. That was awful. It was like I had never seen her before.

A month prior amanda said to me: It's not me causing the anxiety right? At the time I laughed that off as I knew it wasn't. But now i became obsessed with the thought that it could be amanda causing my anxiety. That was the last thing in the world I wanted and I fought so hard to keep that thought out of my mind. It was like I associated her with panick attacks and couldn't undue it.



At one point I had a panic attack for days straight, my mom brought me to the emergency room.

A psychiatrist explained some things to me, how you DO associate people your with, things you're doing, and places you go with Panick attacks. This explained a lot to me.

Things I associated with panic attacks:
Smoking pot
Eating in cafeterias
Waking up
Worst: Amanda

After the doctors I felt amazing, back to my giddy old self. I was running around in happiness and me and amanda had a great few days before she left for school.
But something wasn't right. I know knew Amanda wasn't causing my anxiety, but Amanda seemed strange to me. I still felt great, but I was in disbelief that I was dating amanda.
This is how I think I felt at the time.
It's like I met amanda a couple weeks ago, and we're just friends.

WHICH IS INSANE because we had been dating for 6 or 7 months and I lived with her for 4 of them!!!

This became my only problem, and it came and went. I was obviously just over thinking things. I tried to remember my past with amanda but i couldn't
I became obsessed that I didn't feel the right away about amanda.

I basically instantly developed what I now Know to be ROCD. I began to question everything about her. Do I love her, If I love her how come being with her doesn't cure my anxiety. Do I feel relief from anxiety when I'm not with her? I think I do. Why would I feel that. I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't question this? If I'm questioning it do I not love her? Have I always felt this way? I think I've always felt this way.

I told her about it and she was hurt. She was supportive and told me not to think like that and it's just my brain playing tricks on me.
I was in tears telling her, balling my eyes out uncontrollably. She was crying too, she said it's the hardest thing she's ever had to hear.

She asked me, "Do you remember that you love me yet."
That was the hardest thing I've ever had to hear.

The next day I woke up panicking, and most nights since then I've woke up panicking.
I became terrified of ROCD happening again. I obsessed over it, I questioned everything. Thoughts loops all day every day.

I found the term ROCD and that has helped, now that I know it's actually a thing.


A couple of weeks ago I suddenly became terrified that I had forgotten who amanda was. Like amnesia. I panicked about that for 2 days. That was even scarier than just ROCD or Anxiety. I was terrified. I called her and told her. I shouldn't have, it was probably disturbing to her. But at this point she just laughs a little and tells me I'm crazy. That definitely helped.

What got me out of that craziness is the fact that I realized I didn't FORGET who amanda was, but I was TERRIFIED of the THOUGHT of somehow forgetting who amanda was. I learned that you feel what you think and that I was trying to solve a problem that didn't exist and that helped.

Amanda comes down and visits me every couple of weeks. She is still perfect and she hasn't changed, but I feel detached from my own brain. I'm tired of this. I just want to feel content and normal and stop questioning everything.

[Joe Hill]

Last time she came to visit, the second I got home with her I started "tripping" nothing felt real, I started crying, I couldn't believe she existed. I wanted to wake up as if it were a nightmare. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. By the end of the night I was feeling better, and when I feel better I get flooded with love for her, and I feel guilty and want to buy her things.

My eyes bother me differently now.
All day every day It's like there's a layer of brightness or fuziness over everything. I honestly CAN'T describe it. But it's a constant reminder of all of my problems.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THERE'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY EYES OR IF IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD. HOW CAN I FIGURE THAT OUT?

I'm waiting for insurance right now. I can't wait.


Amanda fell in love with me because I'm funny, smart, carefree, stress free, happy-lucky, optimistic, hyper.

I don't feel like anything of those things now, and it's only been a few months. She said she'll love me even if I stay crazy like this, but I don't want her to have to deal with me. I want to be myself for her.

I JUST WANT TO BE OBLIVIOUS TO ANXIETY AND STRESS LIKE I USED TO BE. MY MOOD GOES UP AND DAY ALL DAY LONG BUT I HAVEN'T FELT 100 PERCENT BACK TO NORMAL IN MONTHS. AM I GOING TO STAY LIKE THIS. I'VE JUST DRIVEN MYSELF CRAZY BY OVER THINKING.

Important things to note:

I'm 22 and have never had a real job. No stress there.
I'm going to college now and want to major in marine biology.
Went from not drinking or smoking to making 8k/month selling pot
Consider Amanda to be my sole mate
I've had bad things happen to me, and have never been stressed by them or may have never even noticed that they were in fact "bad"
I'm going crazy
I'm worried I can't recover from this, even though I know that that is irrational.
Even though I have no job, I honestly think I'm going to be a millionaire. It's not a delusion. I have it in me.
I love animals and don't squish bugs. I don't think that's important lol.

Amanda is my best friend and I love her unconditionally, and that's how she feels about me too. But it's like my brain has somehow forgotten that. Or maybe it hasn't and I'm fine? AH!


Congratulations if you had the patience to read this.

[jessed03]

That's a pretty sucky way to go. Carefree, happy and hyper -> to this bullshit.

Life really does deal some curveballs. It's really, really does.

Firstly. There's not much in your post that stands out as being different. What do I mean by different... Well, something that may not respond to traditional help. Although this condition has it's own very personal relationship with you, it still fits into the norm of what an OCD type condition would be expected to fit into, with some additional anxiety of course. This means you should be able to work your way back into the light again.

But don't dig yourself any deeper.

I mean that.

Don't go further into this hole, cos it's very hard to get out from as it is.

The hole I'm talking about is your mind.

Think of it now as an OCD condition. Whether you wanna get that official diagnosis from a doc is upto you, I can't give you that of course, but it can outline how your problem works.

Obsession -> Amanda, love, your relationship, perhaps your health.

Compulsion -> anything that involves checking your love, checking your feelings, checking your thoughts, checking in with your eyes, or well..all and everything of that ilk.

It's important to reduce all of those checking behaviours.

Cos they really are useless. You won't wake up one day, check yourself, and love Amanda again, and feel normal. That's not the way it works sadly.

The only way you go back to normal, is when you're out of the habit of obsessing and checking, and your anxiety is lower, and you sort of just slot back in. You go back to life, living it without thinking about it. Cos that's the goal. That's the difference between you now, and you then. Now you think about everything too much.

So yeah, you have to break any kind of compulsive behaviour you may have, anywhere. You have to snap out of it, so that one, your anxiety lowers, and so that 2 the area of your brain called the becomes less prominent in your

You may wanna talk to your doctor about SSRIs. All of this pure O stuff is often believed to be because of an imbalance. Finding that imbalance using something like Zoloft is usually very helpful. It will also help all kinda of anxiety stuff you may have going on.

It seems you do have a bad association with Amanda right now. That's alright though, a few good ones and it should begin to right itself better. The drugs if you decide to take them will help in this. Serotonin, the feel good chemical, often makes situations seem kind of better than before, allowing you to store some happier recent memories in the old subconscious.

But, you'll need some cognitive changes. Whether you have any kind of obsessional behaviour, whether it be about love, or any other kind, there are 4 steps that are pretty important to overcoming the issue, you can read more about them in the book Brain Lock, but this is a very basic description of how you begin to overcome them:

Relabel them - whenever you notice obsessional in your mind, like ROCD, even the feeling you've forgotten Amanda, relabel these thoughts as just obsessions. The danger detecting mechanism that your brain has, has been activated, and is running around, scanning for evidence, throwing all sorts of challenges and weird ideas and thoughts and doubts your way. They don't mean a darn thing. They just confuse you. When this dies down, you go back to being you. So label them as that. Label them as obsessions. You don't have to worry about, or believe everything you think or feel, as you said.

Reattribute - Disconnect yourself from them. From these ideas, from these questions, from any rumination. Build distance between obsessives. Not because they're 'bad', but simply because you're gonna begin to understand what they truly are, and see they are unnecessary. Remind yourself they aren't you. Remind Amanda too if she wants to know. Remind yourself your brain is just locked in on something right now. Whether it be obsessions with your anxiety condition, obsessions with your body, obsessions with ideas and thoughts of love - it's all the same. None are you. None are meaningful. None contain any relevance or useful info whatsoever. Remind yourself that if you don't give into these ideas these obsessive 'locked in feature' is gonna turn off, and you'll feel better.

Refocus - You may notice spikes. That is to say some periods may be worse than others. You may get hit quite bad at certain times. When this happens, do the first two stages, and then engage in something else. Not cos you're frightened off them, not cos you hate them, but cos they're pointless, and you need to remind your own mind of this. The way you do that is through placing attention into things. Wherever you place attention and energy, will be given higher priority by the mind. It you're with Amanda, and you have a flare up, you don't know if you feel anything, you wanna check your body for butterflies, you wanna prove that you love her, just relax. It's cool. Put a movie on or something. Go for a walk. Tell a story. Whatever. Don't force it away, but just gently refocus. You can do this as much as you need to really. Let these weird doubts and feelings exist inside of you, just use the rest of your consciousness to do something else, and put your energy into that something else.

You wouldn't spend all day sitting and flipping pillows over would you, cos it's pointless! Show your mind these obsessions are unwanted and pointless, by doing the first two steps and then this one during flare up.

Revalue everything - Remind yourself what's happening. A useless chatter is going on inside your head. A useless compulsion to check feelings or sensations is going on. It's a false message from your brain. It's a false idea that the minds playing with, and checking out for a bit. The whole things basically garbage, even though it can make you very unhappy.

You do these things, it's gonna help you a lot. It helps getting to see a therapist who specializes in CBT. They can tailor everything for you. Much easier that way!

I just wanted to outline how the whole thing works, and give you an idea of where you need to be heading to overcome this.

Using CBT like the things I've mentioned above and medication has over and 80% success rate for your type of problem. Those are good odds.

But you need to do this stuff consistently, not just once a week, or once after you've read something, but regularly.

And you should be laughing and joking again pretty soon..

The detachment, the trippiness, that comes with the anxiety, and as you lower that, you lower the weirdness. You aren't going crazy. It just feels that way.

Some meditation can help general anxiety levels. There's a thread on it on this forum.

You're not broken. You're just kinda locked.

Yours sincerely

Ex OCD and pure O sufferer.

P.s. Sorry if this post isn't the most coherent of things. I'm writing it with a head cold, at 5am cos I can't sleep :)

[jessed03]

That's a pretty sucky way to go. Carefree, happy and hyper -> to this bullshit.

Life really does deal some curveballs. It's really, really does.

Firstly. There's not much in your post that stands out as being different. What do I mean by different... Well, something that may not respond to traditional help. Although this condition has it's own very personal relationship with you, it still fits into the norm of what an OCD /Anxietu type condition would be expected to fit into. This means you should be able to work your way back into the light again.

But don't dig yourself any deeper.

I mean that.

Don't go further into this hole, cos it's very hard to get out from as it is.

The hole I'm talking about is your mind.

Think of it now as an OCD condition. Mixed with an anxiety condition. Whether you wanna get that official diagnosis from a doc is upto you, I can't give you that of course, but I can outline how your problem works and how to get better.

You have the obvious anxiety, which needs a little work, but I'll talk about the ROCD thing, as that's usually a bigger issue. It just manages to hide itself.

OCD obviously = Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Obsession -> Amanda, love, your relationship, perhaps your health.

Compulsion -> anything that involves checking your love, checking your feelings, checking your thoughts, checking in with your eyes (maybe), or well..all and everything of that ilk. It will probably come and go some more.

Disorder -> Wrong parts of the brain activated.

It's important to reduce all of those checking behaviours. Checking you remember Amanda, checking if you love her, checking if you feel better, checking if you feel over your problems.

Cos they really are useless. You won't wake up one day, check yourself, and love Amanda again, and feel normal. That's not the way it works sadly.

The only way you go back to normal, is when you're out of the habit of obsessing and checking, and your anxiety is lower, and you sort of just slot back in. You go back to life, living it without thinking about it. Cos that's the goal. That's the difference between you now, and you then. Now you think about everything too much. Before you did it naturally.

So yeah, you have to break any kind of compulsive behaviour you may have, anywhere. You have to snap out of it, so that one, your anxiety lowers, and so that 2 the area of your brain called that I can't remember now to spell right now, becomes less prominent in your mental processing.

You may wanna talk to your doctor about SSRIs. All of this pure O stuff is often believed to be because of an imbalance. Correcting that imbalance using something like Zoloft is usually very helpful. It will also help all kinds of anxiety stuff you may have going on.

It seems you do have a bad association with Amanda right now. That's alright though, a few good ones and it should begin to right itself better. The drugs if you decide to take them will help in this. Serotonin, the feel good chemical, often makes situations seem kind of better than before, allowing you to store some happier recent memories in the old subconscious.

I wanna address this more than the other stuff, as I feel if I don't, it either won't go, or will just come back again, as it usually does.

You say you love animals. We all do that have this condition. You get this because you're compassionate. True story! Assholes don't suffer from this as much.

You'll need some cognitive changes.

Whether you have any kind of obsessional behaviour, now, or if it returns; whether it be about love, checking bodily actions, or any other kind, there are 4 steps that are pretty important to overcoming the issue, you can read more about them in the book Brain Lock, but this is a very basic description of how you begin to overcome them:

Relabel them - whenever you notice obsessional activity in your mind, like ROCD, even the feeling you've forgotten Amanda, relabel these thoughts as just obsessions. Whereas it might be your instinct to explain stuff, or check out some stuff, to think through some stuff, just label all of that as an obsession, that kind of what's it's compulsion. That's where any urges to overcompensate, or panic come from. An obsession wanting it's compulsive relief. Only that never ends. Giving it that doesn't make it to away. Nothing leaves when it gets what it wants!

Remind yourself: for some silly reason..the danger detecting mechanism that your brain has, has been activated, and is running around, scanning for evidence, throwing all sorts of challenges and weird ideas and thoughts and doubts your way. They don't mean a darn thing. They just confuse you. When this dies down, you go back to being you.
So label them as that. Label them as obsessions in the mind, or compulsions of you feel that. You don't have to worry about, or believe everything you think or feel, as you said.

Reattribute - Disconnect yourself from them. From these ideas, from these questions, from any rumination. From any compulsion.
Build distance between obsession. Not because what you're doing is 'bad', but simply because you're gonna begin to understand what they truly are, and see they are unnecessary.
Remind yourself they aren't you. As you know. Remind Amanda too if she wants to know. As she probably knows. Remind yourself your brain is just locked in on something right now. Whether it be obsessions with your anxiety condition, obsessions with your body, obsessions with ideas and thoughts of love - it's all the same. None are you. None are meaningful. None need to be worked out or solved. None contain any relevance or useful info whatsoever. None at all. Remind yourself that if you don't give into these ideas, this obsessive 'locked in feature' that's making your relationship kinda screwed up, is gonna turn off, and you'll feel better.

Refocus - You may notice spikes. That is to say some periods may be worse than others. You may get hit quite bad at certain times. When this happens, do the first two stages, and then engage in something else. Do something you kinda like, even if that means eating a snack or playing a game on your phone.
Not cos you're frightened off them, not cos you hate them, or cos they upset you or confuse you, but cos they're pointless, and you need to remind your own mind of this.
The way you communicate with your mind, is through placing attention into things. Wherever you place attention and energy, will be given higher priority by the mind.
If you're with Amanda, and you have a flare up, you don't know if you feel anything for her, you wanna check your body for butterflies, you wanna prove that you love her, anything like that - then - just relax. It's cool. Put a movie on or something. Go for a walk. Tell a story. Whatever. Don't force it away, but just gently refocus. Instead of worrying about it's meaning, if it'll ever go... Just distract.

You can do this as much as you need to really. Let these weird doubts and feelings exist inside of you, just use the rest of your consciousness to do something else, and put your energy into that something else.

You wouldn't spend all day sitting and flipping pillows over would you, cos it's pointless! Show your mind these obsessions are unwanted and pointless, by doing the first two steps and then this one during flare up.

Revalue everything - Remind yourself what's happening. A useless chatter is going on inside your head. A useless compulsion to check feelings or sensations is going on. It's a false message from your brain. It's a false idea that the minds playing with, and checking out for a bit. The whole things basically garbage, even though it can make you very unhappy.

So those are the 4 stages to beginning to overcome any obsessive stuff that may come your way.

You do these things, it's gonna help you a lot.

It helps going to see a therapist who specializes in CBT. They can tailor everything to you. Much easier that way!

I just wanted to outline how the whole thing works, and give you an idea of where you need to be heading to overcome this.

Using CBT like the things I've mentioned above and medication has over an 80% success rate for your type of problem. Those are good odds.

But you need to do this stuff consistently, not just once a week, or once after you've read something, but regularly.

And you should be laughing and joking again pretty soon..

The detachment, the trippiness, that comes with the anxiety, and as you lower that, you lower the weirdness. You aren't going crazy. It just feels that way.

It's all about getting comfortable with it, and letting the many parts of your brain involved in this stuff, regain normality.

Some meditation can help general anxiety levels. There's a thread on it on this forum.

You're not broken. You're just kinda locked.

Yours sincerely

Ex OCD and pure O sufferer.

P.s. Sorry if this post isn't the most coherent of things. I'm writing it with a head cold, at 5am cos I can't sleep :)

[AmberGbenga]

Jesse James, mate you hit the nail on the head. Joe bro, I get the same things... Although I don't think my partner knows about it.. Though I'm sure he will read this and know.. I just don't feel the need to worry him about it. Although it impacts because I'm constantly over reacting and breaking up with him... Yep.. Bad move.. Poor dear puts up with my shit but I know he won't stand for it much longer.. I get the obsessive thoughts too... But I generally dot act upon it unless there is a trigger.. Meaning my man pisses me off/does wrong.. Then that's it I see red... And say things I really don't mean. Anxiety/OCD/ROCD/depression.. All these things I have.. And all are a pain in the ass! They play mind games with you and fuck you up mentally AND physically! All I can suggest apart from what Jesse has said because he is zuse guru of all that is holy on OCD/pure O.. Read into your disorders understand them inside and out.. That way you know what the dick is going on with you.. Because we are all crazy, crazy awesome.. We just have some little men in our brains fucking shit up an having a rave.. It's time for a intervention.