Joe Hill
02-05-2014, 07:04 PM
Get ready to read an extremely scatter-brained and very very long post. I didn't know what to write so I just wrote everything.
My entire life I've been fortunate to have a "natural high" I've always been happy 24/7, I had never experienced anxiety/depression/stress in my life. If someone came up to me and told me they had anxiety, I would have said: "Just don't worry about anything you don't have anything to freak out about." I didn't understand how an intelligent person could be anxious. I have super ADHD and I've always loved it. Elementary school- High school I spent running around the school, going to friends classes. Despite my complete lack of rule-following, teachers and administrators perceived me as "smart, funny, unique" and I basically didn't get in trouble for anything. I didn't do any school work, but I did learn. I "missed" 310 days during high school. Really I just came in late everyday and didn't sign in, and didn't care if I was marked as absent or not. My senior year I made a program to steal teacher information, and ended up changing all of the my grades for all 4 years of school to A's. The administrators found out but basically said If I was able to change them I deserve it. ( I don't even think that's legal ). So I graduated from Plymouth North Highschool in 2010. Doctors always told me that I'm Manic. Not manic depressive, just manic. "No sense of consequence." I was extremely impulsive. I would decide I wanted to walk to Boston (40 Miles away) and go do it without thinking. I would get on a random school bus and have it take me to a random school and go to that school for the day. I arranged a "Mass Cuddle" at my high school and got 310 people to go to the science wing at noon on March 6th and cuddle on the floor. Some of them weren't even from my high school. My senior year I spent like 4 hours a day in the nurses office just chilling with the nurses, I always held better conversations with adults than kids my own age. I wore pajamas to school everyday and loved it. A couple days I went in in just my boxers and got sent home. A few days I went in wearing a giant Onzie. I was an extreme class clown and I'm sure half the school thought I was insane. But I knew so many people and most of the 1500 people at my high school knew about me. Their with "myths" being made up about me and I loved it, and I'm sure it helped my self esteem. Despite my craziness I always had a pretty cool girlfriend, and my relationships have always been perfect. In school I would take my adderall like once every 2 weeks, and do 2 weeks worth of school in like 6 hours. The teachers would all have a stack for me. In 4th grade I took and IQ test and scored 188. I'm not that smart. The test was obviously flawed in some way. But since then teachers have always told the next grade teachers about me. And me being a "genius" followed me even after switching schools like 5 times between elementary and high school. This also helped my self esteme, and is probably part of the reason I was able to get away with everything.
In middle school I was sent to a group home because my ADHD was out of control, I was insanely energetic all the time and my mother didn't know what to do. I was destructive. I just went with the flow and ended up living in a group home for 10 months. I just chilled and did what people told me to and I never thought of my scenario as being unusual or undesirable. I was 12. You'd think if I had anxiety somewhere dormant in my brain that it would have shown up then.
Important:
In terms of relationships they've always been perfect. At least that's how I've perceived them. I've had 3 serious relationships. I've always been the type to revolve my life around my girlfriend, and have always considered my love life to be the most important part of my life.
1st: Amy 10th-12th grade. I thought amy was perfect until the second I broke up with her. She had generalized anxiety disorder which made us complete opposites. The day I met my second girlfriend is the day I broke up with amy. I would later find out that she was anxious because she was secretly a lesbian. HA!
2nd: Megan 12th grade-sophomore year of college I again thought the relationship was perfect. And it was pretty good, we never fought. We were both extremely goofy and willing to do anything. I was on very good terms with her family. We spent every other day together. She went on a foreign exchange trip for 10 months to Germany and I waited for her in the US. I took German classes with her mom, learned some german. When she finally got back she surprised me by saying she was going to brazil for 9 months. I broke up with her. Not just because she kept leaving the country, but because feelings for one of my good friends, amanda, had been building for a long time. When I got to the point where I loved Amanda more than Megan is when I broke up with her.
3rd: Amanda July 2013-Present
I had had a HUGE crush on Amanda for at least a year and a half before we started dating. We took the same bus everyday, her for highschool, me for my freshman year of college. I had just started dating megan when I met Amanda, and I had to stop sitting next to her because I was developing a crush on her, and I had just started dating Megan.
I hadn't seen her on the bus for a year, and I messaged her on Facebook asking her if she "wanted to go camping in the middle of the woods, spread wild animal food around the tent and record the screams of Fischer cats and Foxes"
She said "I moved to Maine for school but I'm coming down in April and we can go"
Keep in mind she had only had a few dozen conversations with me on a bus.
That April we went camping and at the age of 21 I smoked pot for the first time, with Amanda. It tripped and laughed hysterically and had one of the best times of my life, we cuddled for warmth until morning.
We quickly became best friends and at the end of that summer she moved to Maine again for her freshman year of college. Megan came back to the US and we dated for a month or two until she went to Brazil. I broke up with Megan because I fell in love with Amanda. Amanda had a boyfriend her first 8 months of college and I was extremely jealous. I would go and visit her at school for 2 weeks at a time and we would cuddle, neither of us would ever cheat on someone, we just liked to cuddle.
She would come down on her breaks and spend 24/7 with me. I think her boyfriend was gay.
When she came down for summer break 2013, one of her best friends asked me how I felt about her, until then Amanda didn't know I had a crush on her, none of her friends knew. Her friend Joelle told me that she had feelings for me, and I was shocked. I never thought she would. But throughout my life I'd always been shocked when a girl liked me. She was supposed to only stay in Plymouth for 2 weeks last summer and go live with her boyfriend in Maine. After two weeks she went to go live with him, and me and her were both a mess, sobbing. I guess a woo'd her because after only a week in Maine she broke up with her boyfriend, came to mass and we started dating that day.
Looking back, the anxiety may have set in the second amanda told me she was breaking up with her boyfriend and coming to live with me. I was a little scared because I felt that I had hyped myself up to make her life me and I wasn't going to be able to keep it up. But I think this is a normal fear, and it was only for like the first month of our relationship. But when I'm panicking I look back and convince myself that my anxiety "started" right when we started dating. I don't think this is true but it would be awful if it was. The only other time I felt this way was when I dating my friend Emily in middle school. I had been obsessed with her like I was obsessed with Amanda, and when me and emily started dating i was terrified I couldn't talk to her and felt awkard and uncomfortable, I guess it was a type of anxiety now that i think about it. My and emily broke up and I continued to have a crush on her through highschool. But to a lesser extent this is how I felt in the begin with Amanda. I think I felt this way because she's too good for me. At any event, a month or so later I told amanda that I haden't felt like myself recently. She hadn't noticed, I remember saying "I tried to get you for so long, and now i feel like i have no long term goals. You were my longterm goal." Idk if that was true or just me trying to rationalize. At this point I was still smoking heavily and had never had a bad experience smoking.
Amanda is the most amazing girl I've ever met. She's beautiful, the most beautiful girl I've dated. She is also goofy and funny, and she is more willing to try something knew than anyone I've ever met. Sometimes I get jealous of myself for dating her lmao. She's the least judgmental person I've ever met. I used to be extremely judgmental, always making fun of people, but I was never rude to people and it was always just joking, habbits I picked up from my mother. Anyways I'm no longer judgmental, thanks to amanda. She's always the only person I've met as equally happy-go-lucky as myself. Megan was close, but Amanda is closer. She acts like a Panda. Totally zen. And she loves pot. loves it. I had never smoked/drank/anything in my life until I was 21 and in that tent with her. And I loved pot.
A month after that camping trip I started selling pot.
Month 1 - Fronted a qt oz for $100
Month 2 - Bought an OZ with my own money for $350
Month 3 - Found a better deal and got an Oz for $250
Month 6 - It got crazy, I started selling over a pound a week, making $1200 a week. Medicinal quality. Crazy Quality.
Month 9-12 - Crazier, at some points I was selling 3 Lbs a week making $2500 a week. Spending it all on food, charity, smoking, bongs for Amanda
Month 13 - 2 Weeks after me and Amanda start dating - Me and her both got arrested for distribution of Shrooms and Weed.
My entire life I've been fortunate to have a "natural high" I've always been happy 24/7, I had never experienced anxiety/depression/stress in my life. If someone came up to me and told me they had anxiety, I would have said: "Just don't worry about anything you don't have anything to freak out about." I didn't understand how an intelligent person could be anxious. I have super ADHD and I've always loved it. Elementary school- High school I spent running around the school, going to friends classes. Despite my complete lack of rule-following, teachers and administrators perceived me as "smart, funny, unique" and I basically didn't get in trouble for anything. I didn't do any school work, but I did learn. I "missed" 310 days during high school. Really I just came in late everyday and didn't sign in, and didn't care if I was marked as absent or not. My senior year I made a program to steal teacher information, and ended up changing all of the my grades for all 4 years of school to A's. The administrators found out but basically said If I was able to change them I deserve it. ( I don't even think that's legal ). So I graduated from Plymouth North Highschool in 2010. Doctors always told me that I'm Manic. Not manic depressive, just manic. "No sense of consequence." I was extremely impulsive. I would decide I wanted to walk to Boston (40 Miles away) and go do it without thinking. I would get on a random school bus and have it take me to a random school and go to that school for the day. I arranged a "Mass Cuddle" at my high school and got 310 people to go to the science wing at noon on March 6th and cuddle on the floor. Some of them weren't even from my high school. My senior year I spent like 4 hours a day in the nurses office just chilling with the nurses, I always held better conversations with adults than kids my own age. I wore pajamas to school everyday and loved it. A couple days I went in in just my boxers and got sent home. A few days I went in wearing a giant Onzie. I was an extreme class clown and I'm sure half the school thought I was insane. But I knew so many people and most of the 1500 people at my high school knew about me. Their with "myths" being made up about me and I loved it, and I'm sure it helped my self esteem. Despite my craziness I always had a pretty cool girlfriend, and my relationships have always been perfect. In school I would take my adderall like once every 2 weeks, and do 2 weeks worth of school in like 6 hours. The teachers would all have a stack for me. In 4th grade I took and IQ test and scored 188. I'm not that smart. The test was obviously flawed in some way. But since then teachers have always told the next grade teachers about me. And me being a "genius" followed me even after switching schools like 5 times between elementary and high school. This also helped my self esteme, and is probably part of the reason I was able to get away with everything.
In middle school I was sent to a group home because my ADHD was out of control, I was insanely energetic all the time and my mother didn't know what to do. I was destructive. I just went with the flow and ended up living in a group home for 10 months. I just chilled and did what people told me to and I never thought of my scenario as being unusual or undesirable. I was 12. You'd think if I had anxiety somewhere dormant in my brain that it would have shown up then.
Important:
In terms of relationships they've always been perfect. At least that's how I've perceived them. I've had 3 serious relationships. I've always been the type to revolve my life around my girlfriend, and have always considered my love life to be the most important part of my life.
1st: Amy 10th-12th grade. I thought amy was perfect until the second I broke up with her. She had generalized anxiety disorder which made us complete opposites. The day I met my second girlfriend is the day I broke up with amy. I would later find out that she was anxious because she was secretly a lesbian. HA!
2nd: Megan 12th grade-sophomore year of college I again thought the relationship was perfect. And it was pretty good, we never fought. We were both extremely goofy and willing to do anything. I was on very good terms with her family. We spent every other day together. She went on a foreign exchange trip for 10 months to Germany and I waited for her in the US. I took German classes with her mom, learned some german. When she finally got back she surprised me by saying she was going to brazil for 9 months. I broke up with her. Not just because she kept leaving the country, but because feelings for one of my good friends, amanda, had been building for a long time. When I got to the point where I loved Amanda more than Megan is when I broke up with her.
3rd: Amanda July 2013-Present
I had had a HUGE crush on Amanda for at least a year and a half before we started dating. We took the same bus everyday, her for highschool, me for my freshman year of college. I had just started dating megan when I met Amanda, and I had to stop sitting next to her because I was developing a crush on her, and I had just started dating Megan.
I hadn't seen her on the bus for a year, and I messaged her on Facebook asking her if she "wanted to go camping in the middle of the woods, spread wild animal food around the tent and record the screams of Fischer cats and Foxes"
She said "I moved to Maine for school but I'm coming down in April and we can go"
Keep in mind she had only had a few dozen conversations with me on a bus.
That April we went camping and at the age of 21 I smoked pot for the first time, with Amanda. It tripped and laughed hysterically and had one of the best times of my life, we cuddled for warmth until morning.
We quickly became best friends and at the end of that summer she moved to Maine again for her freshman year of college. Megan came back to the US and we dated for a month or two until she went to Brazil. I broke up with Megan because I fell in love with Amanda. Amanda had a boyfriend her first 8 months of college and I was extremely jealous. I would go and visit her at school for 2 weeks at a time and we would cuddle, neither of us would ever cheat on someone, we just liked to cuddle.
She would come down on her breaks and spend 24/7 with me. I think her boyfriend was gay.
When she came down for summer break 2013, one of her best friends asked me how I felt about her, until then Amanda didn't know I had a crush on her, none of her friends knew. Her friend Joelle told me that she had feelings for me, and I was shocked. I never thought she would. But throughout my life I'd always been shocked when a girl liked me. She was supposed to only stay in Plymouth for 2 weeks last summer and go live with her boyfriend in Maine. After two weeks she went to go live with him, and me and her were both a mess, sobbing. I guess a woo'd her because after only a week in Maine she broke up with her boyfriend, came to mass and we started dating that day.
Looking back, the anxiety may have set in the second amanda told me she was breaking up with her boyfriend and coming to live with me. I was a little scared because I felt that I had hyped myself up to make her life me and I wasn't going to be able to keep it up. But I think this is a normal fear, and it was only for like the first month of our relationship. But when I'm panicking I look back and convince myself that my anxiety "started" right when we started dating. I don't think this is true but it would be awful if it was. The only other time I felt this way was when I dating my friend Emily in middle school. I had been obsessed with her like I was obsessed with Amanda, and when me and emily started dating i was terrified I couldn't talk to her and felt awkard and uncomfortable, I guess it was a type of anxiety now that i think about it. My and emily broke up and I continued to have a crush on her through highschool. But to a lesser extent this is how I felt in the begin with Amanda. I think I felt this way because she's too good for me. At any event, a month or so later I told amanda that I haden't felt like myself recently. She hadn't noticed, I remember saying "I tried to get you for so long, and now i feel like i have no long term goals. You were my longterm goal." Idk if that was true or just me trying to rationalize. At this point I was still smoking heavily and had never had a bad experience smoking.
Amanda is the most amazing girl I've ever met. She's beautiful, the most beautiful girl I've dated. She is also goofy and funny, and she is more willing to try something knew than anyone I've ever met. Sometimes I get jealous of myself for dating her lmao. She's the least judgmental person I've ever met. I used to be extremely judgmental, always making fun of people, but I was never rude to people and it was always just joking, habbits I picked up from my mother. Anyways I'm no longer judgmental, thanks to amanda. She's always the only person I've met as equally happy-go-lucky as myself. Megan was close, but Amanda is closer. She acts like a Panda. Totally zen. And she loves pot. loves it. I had never smoked/drank/anything in my life until I was 21 and in that tent with her. And I loved pot.
A month after that camping trip I started selling pot.
Month 1 - Fronted a qt oz for $100
Month 2 - Bought an OZ with my own money for $350
Month 3 - Found a better deal and got an Oz for $250
Month 6 - It got crazy, I started selling over a pound a week, making $1200 a week. Medicinal quality. Crazy Quality.
Month 9-12 - Crazier, at some points I was selling 3 Lbs a week making $2500 a week. Spending it all on food, charity, smoking, bongs for Amanda
Month 13 - 2 Weeks after me and Amanda start dating - Me and her both got arrested for distribution of Shrooms and Weed.