EonBlue
02-05-2014, 07:27 AM
At what point does a mild trait become an all encompassing, life destroying feature in ones life? Where is the line between normal everyday moods and crippling, bipolar-esque moods and housebound behavior?
I want to preface this by saying this is very personal for me, and I trust the forums here for being able to post something so private and revealing about my life. It's very difficult for me to do this.
I'm an extremely talented, personable, very intelligent and even what I would consider an attractive human being...but I've spent the majority of my life (and I'm 27 now) in a very, very unhappy and tortured state. I've been what I can only call a very anxious child my whole life. Anxious and afraid, afraid of everything. With the advent of adulthood at 18, I went on to develop major personality flaws that, I think, have wrecked a life - or they will wreck it.
I always liked to say "I was a normal kid" before. But I don't think that I was ever normal, to be honest. I became afflicted with severe and chronic intrusive thoughts at age 13, extreme social phobia that made me basically an outcast in school - I was forgotten and quiet. I was even voted the most shy in the school - there was seriously an "award" for this. I was laughed and jeered at by everyone in the school when they called my name out.
It doesn't matter...I've had an unhappy life. I could fill an entire book with the experiences that I've had. I don't care to. Although I'd say having the intrusive thoughts was always hellish and definitely the "start" of it all. Something happened at the age of 18 that was really when I started to become crazy, insane, my moods fluctuating to extremes of depth and variability that scared the living piss out of even me. I knew there was something wrong, but I had no idea that there was, and is, anything I can do about it. I've come to understand that many personality disorders began, for whatever reason, at around that age. I knew in my mind, that what I was able to coast through adolescence the way that I was..but I knew and felt very acutely the anger at the "beginning of my life" when I would be 18, that should've been happiness or stability. I felt afraid. Very scared and afraid. Terrified even, of where I would go. It was all up to me, and i felt - for the first time an ability that I never had before. I realized that I had complete control over what I did, felt and what I could say and to whom- I mean I really realized it. The power, and responsibility- went to my head. I'm not going to not admit that I was, and sometimes even today, a monster. I have variability of moods and I use it. It was as if at 18 and then on I had some kind of outlet, some kind of way to give validation and express the torment, anger and fear that I felt out onto the world. Never did I ever start to realize the vast consequences of this behavior until much later. I had two arrests by the time I was 22, and I started to what I can only look back on now and say were "rage attacks" that i used to literally go into and which scared the living piss out of even me. I had so much anger, so much rage that I would literally lose control of myself. I never hurt anybody, but the amount and degree were so very extreme as to warrant serious concern, from anybody.
I'm not saying that I am a monster. I think I've been through some very unfortunate experiences in my life, and I've suffered a lot. A tremendous amount. But we act in ways that only blow things up for us. It was as if I felt hopeless, so hopeless - and the variability and depth of my feelings so extreme. My behavior became extreme.
I somehow managed to get two college degrees, an Associates and a Bachelor of Science from two universities since that time, and though I dropped out of school and school was hard, when I was 18....I struggled for many, many years after to achieve what I have, and it has Not been easy. I also had the initiative and followed through my passion to become a certified personal trainer and earned 3 National Academy of Sports Medicine certifications.
My work life has been a failure and my personal life an even bigger one. I can attribute all or most of that to the instability in my mood and reactivity. It can't be from the obsessive thinking alone. I also realized that, in dealing with these many things, as a man - presents even more challenges than the initial problem(s). There is the constant shame. Shame you get and feel from society and your family and from the feeling that you are so far removed from what a man is "supposed to be like" and you know you don't meet these impossible standards but you never cease to feel shame for it. If you stop and somehow find a peace with it, then that won't stop others from holding you to those same standards, often unconsciously. And judging you. So it is a very difficult situation. I have to reckon I will never meet the impossible standards so often proscribed by society - infact at this point in my life they are biologically and physiologically impossible. I just wish others would stop judging me and looking down on me, and regarding me in the same view that they hold themselves to. We are all different, and I am not you. I have a unique set of issues to deal with, and that doesn't make me any less of a man. Infact, it makes me more of a man, for I am man enough to deal with my issues and I've encountered a great difficulty and loss.
Thanks for reading. This was really cathartic and therapeutic for me to write this. Thank you.
I want to preface this by saying this is very personal for me, and I trust the forums here for being able to post something so private and revealing about my life. It's very difficult for me to do this.
I'm an extremely talented, personable, very intelligent and even what I would consider an attractive human being...but I've spent the majority of my life (and I'm 27 now) in a very, very unhappy and tortured state. I've been what I can only call a very anxious child my whole life. Anxious and afraid, afraid of everything. With the advent of adulthood at 18, I went on to develop major personality flaws that, I think, have wrecked a life - or they will wreck it.
I always liked to say "I was a normal kid" before. But I don't think that I was ever normal, to be honest. I became afflicted with severe and chronic intrusive thoughts at age 13, extreme social phobia that made me basically an outcast in school - I was forgotten and quiet. I was even voted the most shy in the school - there was seriously an "award" for this. I was laughed and jeered at by everyone in the school when they called my name out.
It doesn't matter...I've had an unhappy life. I could fill an entire book with the experiences that I've had. I don't care to. Although I'd say having the intrusive thoughts was always hellish and definitely the "start" of it all. Something happened at the age of 18 that was really when I started to become crazy, insane, my moods fluctuating to extremes of depth and variability that scared the living piss out of even me. I knew there was something wrong, but I had no idea that there was, and is, anything I can do about it. I've come to understand that many personality disorders began, for whatever reason, at around that age. I knew in my mind, that what I was able to coast through adolescence the way that I was..but I knew and felt very acutely the anger at the "beginning of my life" when I would be 18, that should've been happiness or stability. I felt afraid. Very scared and afraid. Terrified even, of where I would go. It was all up to me, and i felt - for the first time an ability that I never had before. I realized that I had complete control over what I did, felt and what I could say and to whom- I mean I really realized it. The power, and responsibility- went to my head. I'm not going to not admit that I was, and sometimes even today, a monster. I have variability of moods and I use it. It was as if at 18 and then on I had some kind of outlet, some kind of way to give validation and express the torment, anger and fear that I felt out onto the world. Never did I ever start to realize the vast consequences of this behavior until much later. I had two arrests by the time I was 22, and I started to what I can only look back on now and say were "rage attacks" that i used to literally go into and which scared the living piss out of even me. I had so much anger, so much rage that I would literally lose control of myself. I never hurt anybody, but the amount and degree were so very extreme as to warrant serious concern, from anybody.
I'm not saying that I am a monster. I think I've been through some very unfortunate experiences in my life, and I've suffered a lot. A tremendous amount. But we act in ways that only blow things up for us. It was as if I felt hopeless, so hopeless - and the variability and depth of my feelings so extreme. My behavior became extreme.
I somehow managed to get two college degrees, an Associates and a Bachelor of Science from two universities since that time, and though I dropped out of school and school was hard, when I was 18....I struggled for many, many years after to achieve what I have, and it has Not been easy. I also had the initiative and followed through my passion to become a certified personal trainer and earned 3 National Academy of Sports Medicine certifications.
My work life has been a failure and my personal life an even bigger one. I can attribute all or most of that to the instability in my mood and reactivity. It can't be from the obsessive thinking alone. I also realized that, in dealing with these many things, as a man - presents even more challenges than the initial problem(s). There is the constant shame. Shame you get and feel from society and your family and from the feeling that you are so far removed from what a man is "supposed to be like" and you know you don't meet these impossible standards but you never cease to feel shame for it. If you stop and somehow find a peace with it, then that won't stop others from holding you to those same standards, often unconsciously. And judging you. So it is a very difficult situation. I have to reckon I will never meet the impossible standards so often proscribed by society - infact at this point in my life they are biologically and physiologically impossible. I just wish others would stop judging me and looking down on me, and regarding me in the same view that they hold themselves to. We are all different, and I am not you. I have a unique set of issues to deal with, and that doesn't make me any less of a man. Infact, it makes me more of a man, for I am man enough to deal with my issues and I've encountered a great difficulty and loss.
Thanks for reading. This was really cathartic and therapeutic for me to write this. Thank you.