BoBandoCommando
02-04-2014, 12:39 PM
Discovering this community may be the best thing that's happened to me recently. My goal is to find support and tips on how to not only cope, but eradicate this awful feeling. I am sorry if this is too long, but I want to get the whole story out there to someone. It's also therapeutic to vent.
I am eighteen years old and since November of 2012, I've been having anxiety and panic problems that have been seriously afflicting my well-being.
The problems began when my parents divorced Halloween of 2012. I saw the divorce coming miles away. My parents genuinely love each other, but the two had always butt heads and since I was little, there would always be at least one major fight at least once a week. Bottles and plates flung across the room and hits and scratches thrown upon one another. These were serious problems, but I had always been quiet and reserved. I was 'good' at shrugging off all of these squabbles and never payed any mind to them for years and years. I was completely used to it. It was normal and natural.
We had moved from house to house and at the time when my problems first shown, we were living at another temporary home in which we would soon be evicted the following spring. All of the fighting, screaming, and name-calling that I had willfully ignored, having been built up over time, suddenly escaped. I was just sitting with my friend playing Borderlands when all of a sudden, my chest was taught and I felt my heart racing. I'm sure most of you are aware of this feeling. The pseudo heart attack. I was mortified. I couldn't stand upright, I was bawling, embarrassed, and only sought out the comfort of my mother. I clung to her for three hours like a child while this episode struck me. It felt like a one-ton anvil was condensed to the size of a pen and pressed my chest to my insides. I was trembling, sweating, scared, and thought I would never escape.
Months pass by, I quickly became used to the experience of a panic attack and rode them out being able to calm myself down usually. I went to counseling, but hated it and never took it seriously. I was much more content with taking my little benzos, but I now realize that they are only band-aids on an open laceration that couldn't and can't fix the problem permanently.
Now I am living at my grandma's house with my little brother, little sister, mom, dad, and of course, grandma. My mom, dad, brother and I live in the living room. The house is tiny and it's impossible to exist by yourself. I'm almost out of high school and I'm worried about my future. The attacks have shown up again, but with a vengeance. Before, they generally lasted about 30-45 minutes. I didn't handle them well, I paced, trembled, and cried, but I knew they'd be done soon so I would just ride them out without trying to fix the underlying problem.
These have been different, though. They would hit me out of the blue (normally I can see them coming). They'd be more violent and last much longer. I had a birthday recently, and I awoke in the middle of the night (2am) and freaked for 6 straight hours. They've been hitting me in the dead of night like that and they're inhibiting me from doing my everyday activities. I've been missing school because I'm scared, I've lost my interest in my favorite activities (I love to draw but it seems more of a burden lately. So depressing). They've been so frequent that I'm scared more than I feel normal and my family is starting to take me less seriously because of the frequency.
I've began exercising, eating healthy, stopped smoking pot, and I'll be re-starting counseling and I'm actually excited for it. I am not a violent person at all, but I'm ready to string up this disorder by its own intestines and watch it fade away. Until then, I am plotting it's demise. Any help, advice, and support is very much welcomed and appreciated!
BoBando
I am eighteen years old and since November of 2012, I've been having anxiety and panic problems that have been seriously afflicting my well-being.
The problems began when my parents divorced Halloween of 2012. I saw the divorce coming miles away. My parents genuinely love each other, but the two had always butt heads and since I was little, there would always be at least one major fight at least once a week. Bottles and plates flung across the room and hits and scratches thrown upon one another. These were serious problems, but I had always been quiet and reserved. I was 'good' at shrugging off all of these squabbles and never payed any mind to them for years and years. I was completely used to it. It was normal and natural.
We had moved from house to house and at the time when my problems first shown, we were living at another temporary home in which we would soon be evicted the following spring. All of the fighting, screaming, and name-calling that I had willfully ignored, having been built up over time, suddenly escaped. I was just sitting with my friend playing Borderlands when all of a sudden, my chest was taught and I felt my heart racing. I'm sure most of you are aware of this feeling. The pseudo heart attack. I was mortified. I couldn't stand upright, I was bawling, embarrassed, and only sought out the comfort of my mother. I clung to her for three hours like a child while this episode struck me. It felt like a one-ton anvil was condensed to the size of a pen and pressed my chest to my insides. I was trembling, sweating, scared, and thought I would never escape.
Months pass by, I quickly became used to the experience of a panic attack and rode them out being able to calm myself down usually. I went to counseling, but hated it and never took it seriously. I was much more content with taking my little benzos, but I now realize that they are only band-aids on an open laceration that couldn't and can't fix the problem permanently.
Now I am living at my grandma's house with my little brother, little sister, mom, dad, and of course, grandma. My mom, dad, brother and I live in the living room. The house is tiny and it's impossible to exist by yourself. I'm almost out of high school and I'm worried about my future. The attacks have shown up again, but with a vengeance. Before, they generally lasted about 30-45 minutes. I didn't handle them well, I paced, trembled, and cried, but I knew they'd be done soon so I would just ride them out without trying to fix the underlying problem.
These have been different, though. They would hit me out of the blue (normally I can see them coming). They'd be more violent and last much longer. I had a birthday recently, and I awoke in the middle of the night (2am) and freaked for 6 straight hours. They've been hitting me in the dead of night like that and they're inhibiting me from doing my everyday activities. I've been missing school because I'm scared, I've lost my interest in my favorite activities (I love to draw but it seems more of a burden lately. So depressing). They've been so frequent that I'm scared more than I feel normal and my family is starting to take me less seriously because of the frequency.
I've began exercising, eating healthy, stopped smoking pot, and I'll be re-starting counseling and I'm actually excited for it. I am not a violent person at all, but I'm ready to string up this disorder by its own intestines and watch it fade away. Until then, I am plotting it's demise. Any help, advice, and support is very much welcomed and appreciated!
BoBando