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CMDOT448
02-03-2014, 12:45 PM
Hello All,
I'm relatively new to this forum, and have never posted until now...but reading about other's struggles with depression and anxiety has reminded me that I'm not alone (a feeling all too common with depression, it seems). I have never shared my experiences with anyone outside of those closest to me, and am admittedly very nervous about doing so...but my hope is that my story and experiences will give strength, as so many of your stories did for me.
I'm a 26 year old guy with a laundry list of issues (Crohn's Disease, Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, ADHD, symptoms of bipolar disorder-and that is just what i've been diagnosed with), all of which have pushed me to the edge on numerous occasions. I've always struggled with the stigma of being different, and just like anyone else i've wished that i could just be "normal". I recently hit rock bottom in my life, and am currently pushing on to turn the corner, but every day is a struggle to even get out of bed.
3 months ago, my fiance and I had an arguement at a pool hall that we used to frequent. We had been on rocky terms for the 2-3 months prior, and I was trying desperately to repair what had been broken. My alcohol abuse was at it's worst, (I used it to drown my issues) and I was not yet being treated for depression. The issue was that i did not feel comfortable at the time (social anxiety), and that i wanted to go home. She did not yet want to leave, and instead chose to stay and hang out with a group of guys we had just met. This was the proverbial straw that broke my back, and everything that i had been pushing out of my head came out all at once. I went home and drank to the point of incoherence, and decided that I was no longer fit for this world. I overdosed on klonopin that night, with the feeling that I can't make it in this world. I shouted at God, asking why he made me this way, asking for strength to push on that never came. I was found later that morning by my fiance, and the weeks following would enter treatment for depression and alcohol abuse.
When i first started taking medication (prozac, zyprexa) it was a nightmare...i would feel like the walls are closing in, I wanted to jump out of my own skin. I quit prozac cold turkey and was put on wellbutrin, which at first worked great. I'm currently having no side effects, but i'm definitely not feeling warm and fuzzy either. The anxiety is almost unbearable at times, the tightening of my chest, the hyperventilating, the feeling of running as far away from where you are as you can...I have ativan but even that doesn't help at times. So many things are going well in my life... i have a great job, a family that loves me, the opportunity to repair the relationship with the loves of my life (i had a 3 year old stepson) but for some reason i can't escape the past and the depression that comes with it. My therapist tells me that I "need to find my happiness" which is such a general statement...I dont even know what that means. I have all of these things going for me, and still am not happy. I feel that subconsiously I am out to completely destroy myself...
The only thing that has helped me so far is to try and remember to take things one day at a time, and that eventually things will get better. I hope that my sharing will encourage someone else to share as well, from the time i started typing this to now I already feel better. Thank you to those of you who have already shared, its because of you that I'm beginning to realize that I'm not alone in this fight.

Olive Yew
02-03-2014, 02:12 PM
Hey there warrior. :) glad you're speaking up. This place is great for exactly what you've been going through. I think what your therapist meant by "find your happiness" is find what makes you happy. Look at your fiance and your son and anything else that you cherish. Sit there and force yourself to remember why you love then. Remember why you need them in your life. Try out some things until you have a nice collection of hobbies that you enjoy doing... And then do them ALL THE TIME. Have boatloads of sex because it's great and kills depression and boosts your immune system and stimulates serotonin production. Avoid stressful situations if at all possible. Try to surround yourself with people who are happy and positive. Negativity is always a Debby Downer. I've had to pull back from some of my negative friends so that I could start to heal. You dont even have to be mean about it, just quietly back away. But the most important thing is: do not be alone. As much as. Your depression and anxiety tell you that you need to hide in a hole and never come out, DO NOT DO THAT! Depression lies. Anxiety lies. They dont know what's best for you. So dont listen to them. Be around people. Happy people. Positive people. People who dont mind if you say nothing at all while you're visiting. Just dont be alone. Gradually, you'll start to feel better.

Oh and spend as much time in the sun as you can without getting sunburn. No sunscreen either. You need to soak up some vitamin D. That'll boost serotonin production. Cuddle with loved ones and pets. That produces dopamine: the "happy chemical". Eat right. If you put trash in your body, you'll feel like trash. STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM ASPARTAME! That stuff is EVIL! It is both trying to kill you AND make you miserable. We dont want that. Kill your caffeine. At least for a while. Basically try to clean your system of extra junk that doesnt need to be there. Then whatever you start taking in again, make sure it's in moderation.

You can do this. You can do this just like we are. You're no different than us. I'm engaged to a man who has depression, anxiety, PTSD, and brain trauma. He was hit by a train 5 years ago and it's been an uphill battle to normallacy ever since. But it is possible. We're stronger than we ever realized. And we're on this earth for a reason. So fight with every ounce of strength you have in you and when you feel like that's run out, keep going. If you're religious, call on God in your times of need and he will lend you his strength. But you are not alone. And you can do this :) just hang in there.

CMDOT448
02-04-2014, 04:01 PM
Thank you for the kind words and the great advice! Some of which I would have never thought of. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other...

Olive Yew
02-04-2014, 04:06 PM
Exactly :)