Smokewater
02-03-2014, 04:08 AM
Well, hey to you folks! I've never really ever given a forum like this a shot before and I'm not entirely used to talking about myself, but I figure if this is a place where we can bear all in hopes of finding at least a few thousand others like us, then I'll take full advantage of the opportunity.
Little bit of background about me. I was born and raised up north in Buffalo and about 16 years after that, I moved down to the deserts of Arizona. Since then, my physical and mental health have deteriorated to about this point. I'm fairly certain that I'm not dying, but I'm worried about pretty much everything my body is going through. It's basically like I'm experiencing a midlife crisis, but I'm only about 23 years old.
I've been struggling with depression for the better half of 6 years now. I was moved here against my will. I left friends, family and a budding relationship behind to be here with a family that never really talks to each other. I was never good in school. Bullying lead me to develop a need for friends more than success, and I became more of a socialite than a student. Shortly after my sophomore year had ended, my parents removed me from school completely. Again, against my will and without any say. I lost all the friends that I made and became a shut-in as the places we've lived haven't had much around them to do (It's the desert.) As the years crawled forward, I began developing abnormalities in my appearance. My hair is starting to thin, I'm noticeably balding. I developed cystic acne on my face, leading to a general discomfort about being in public. My depression basically crippled me. I felt as though I'd been dealt a bad hand, so I folded.
Fast forwarding to this past August. That's when the anxiety set in. I began to realize that I'd have to go out and grow up. I tell myself that all the time. You have to get up and do things. It all culminated in August when I started looking for jobs, starting feeling excited about getting somewhere. That's when negative thoughts started rushing forward.
You're NEVER going to get a job.
You're NEVER going to move out of your parents' house.
You still live there like you're 12 years old.
You're NEVER going to get your education.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into a month. Every day, I'd wake up to my adrenaline pumping. My nerves were shot. I'd never been used to that type of anxiety before and I'm still not. Since then, my heart's felt strange. That's no metaphor or euphemism, my heart actually feels strange. Even typing this, I start to think about my heart, my life, my mortality, the fact that at some point in time my heart and brain are going to cease.
What's coming next?
Heaven?
Hell?
Not possible, they don't exist.
Or do they?
Who am I to say?
Why can't I stop thinking about it?
I need to go outside.
I don't want to though.
It's too cold outside.
If you don't go outside, you're going to rot away in here.
But I don't know anyone out here.
Anybody could just kill me.
You're going to die if you stay in here.
Your heart is beating again.
You can hear it.
It's slowing down, no its speeding up.
Your adrenaline is pumping.
Now your heart's racing.
There's the palpitations.
The tightness in your chest.
Choking yet?
Does it hurt?
Is it a heart attack?
This is it.
You're dying now.
And then the cycle repeats. I think about my mortality, I think about the fact that one day the lights are just gonna go out. And I'm starting to feel like they might. I can't help but go on google and search for symptoms of heart disease. I wonder if my heart's finally failing, but I always reassure myself "You don't have this one symptom, you're fine." or "You did a lot of work today and you didn't even have to stop for a breath, you'll be okay". But then comes my brain, "No, your heart is giving out. You smoked too many cigarettes last month. Doesn't matter that you quit, your body's too corrupted." and I give into it, and I feel like any second my heart's just going to stop. My breath is going to catch in my throat, I'll lose consciousness and never wake up.
But I don't want it to stop. I don't want my life to end. I have a young niece I want to grow up with, I have a best friend whose been there for me more times than she should put herself through. I have a life that's starting to unfold, but I feel like I'm on the cusp of death just about every damn day. I just need to know that I'm not alone here. That these feelings are my mind being hyper-aware. That the shakes I get, the sudden inhaling to make sure my lungs are full, my heart beating against my chest as if its counting the seconds till it stops - are just my mind playing havoc. And that this newfound anxiety about my life and my future is just that; anxiety. I'm sorry if these seems over dramatic, I just needed to express my mind as best as I could.
Little bit of background about me. I was born and raised up north in Buffalo and about 16 years after that, I moved down to the deserts of Arizona. Since then, my physical and mental health have deteriorated to about this point. I'm fairly certain that I'm not dying, but I'm worried about pretty much everything my body is going through. It's basically like I'm experiencing a midlife crisis, but I'm only about 23 years old.
I've been struggling with depression for the better half of 6 years now. I was moved here against my will. I left friends, family and a budding relationship behind to be here with a family that never really talks to each other. I was never good in school. Bullying lead me to develop a need for friends more than success, and I became more of a socialite than a student. Shortly after my sophomore year had ended, my parents removed me from school completely. Again, against my will and without any say. I lost all the friends that I made and became a shut-in as the places we've lived haven't had much around them to do (It's the desert.) As the years crawled forward, I began developing abnormalities in my appearance. My hair is starting to thin, I'm noticeably balding. I developed cystic acne on my face, leading to a general discomfort about being in public. My depression basically crippled me. I felt as though I'd been dealt a bad hand, so I folded.
Fast forwarding to this past August. That's when the anxiety set in. I began to realize that I'd have to go out and grow up. I tell myself that all the time. You have to get up and do things. It all culminated in August when I started looking for jobs, starting feeling excited about getting somewhere. That's when negative thoughts started rushing forward.
You're NEVER going to get a job.
You're NEVER going to move out of your parents' house.
You still live there like you're 12 years old.
You're NEVER going to get your education.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into a month. Every day, I'd wake up to my adrenaline pumping. My nerves were shot. I'd never been used to that type of anxiety before and I'm still not. Since then, my heart's felt strange. That's no metaphor or euphemism, my heart actually feels strange. Even typing this, I start to think about my heart, my life, my mortality, the fact that at some point in time my heart and brain are going to cease.
What's coming next?
Heaven?
Hell?
Not possible, they don't exist.
Or do they?
Who am I to say?
Why can't I stop thinking about it?
I need to go outside.
I don't want to though.
It's too cold outside.
If you don't go outside, you're going to rot away in here.
But I don't know anyone out here.
Anybody could just kill me.
You're going to die if you stay in here.
Your heart is beating again.
You can hear it.
It's slowing down, no its speeding up.
Your adrenaline is pumping.
Now your heart's racing.
There's the palpitations.
The tightness in your chest.
Choking yet?
Does it hurt?
Is it a heart attack?
This is it.
You're dying now.
And then the cycle repeats. I think about my mortality, I think about the fact that one day the lights are just gonna go out. And I'm starting to feel like they might. I can't help but go on google and search for symptoms of heart disease. I wonder if my heart's finally failing, but I always reassure myself "You don't have this one symptom, you're fine." or "You did a lot of work today and you didn't even have to stop for a breath, you'll be okay". But then comes my brain, "No, your heart is giving out. You smoked too many cigarettes last month. Doesn't matter that you quit, your body's too corrupted." and I give into it, and I feel like any second my heart's just going to stop. My breath is going to catch in my throat, I'll lose consciousness and never wake up.
But I don't want it to stop. I don't want my life to end. I have a young niece I want to grow up with, I have a best friend whose been there for me more times than she should put herself through. I have a life that's starting to unfold, but I feel like I'm on the cusp of death just about every damn day. I just need to know that I'm not alone here. That these feelings are my mind being hyper-aware. That the shakes I get, the sudden inhaling to make sure my lungs are full, my heart beating against my chest as if its counting the seconds till it stops - are just my mind playing havoc. And that this newfound anxiety about my life and my future is just that; anxiety. I'm sorry if these seems over dramatic, I just needed to express my mind as best as I could.