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mr.blanks1981
01-31-2014, 06:59 AM
I want to immediately state that I am seeking serious help--not attention--from the community for the first time in my life (albeit anonymously) because I am very close to ending it. It has been a long, slow climb up the gallows, every step at my direction since childhood. I am not seeking sympathy or attention; I hope to find insight and the means to turn around before hopelessness seizes me again. Please excuse the length of this post, the overuse of the noun "I", and my pornstar-parody username. This post is a mess but I've been trying to post something for days now so here it is:

***

I am a young man, mid-20's (the date in my username is phony). I have had severe anxiety since I was a child and have nurtured behaviors and thought processes since then which have developed into serious bad habits (ranging from talking to myself, verbal abuse/shouting in isolation while anxious, physical harm when I was a child, and bulimia in high school and college). My parents divorced when I was young and my identical twin brother has mental and emotional issues that will likely prevent him from ever living on his own. Despite our contrasting faculties, social skills and achievements, I often fear we are the same and I am just as handicapped as he is but don't know it. I have been extremely self-conscious my entire life and always fear what others might be thinking of me.
People tell me all the time I'm so smart; I don't feel smart.
Women tell me all the time I'm so handsome; I feel misshapen.
Coworkers/classmates say they think I'm a cool guy but I worry because it's all an act. I have no dynamic social skills. I've never had more than one friend at a time my entire life and I've pulled away from all of them for fear of being shunned for being "boring". I always fear that I'm going to mess up in conversation or at work and everyone's going to "find out" I'm just like my brother--inept, incompetent, retarded.

I have quit every job I've ever had for fear of being shunned and fired. I often effortlessly come off as charismatic, easy-going, optimistic, and this gets me good standing when I begin jobs, but my anxiousness and fear keeps me from progressing. I forget things. It takes me much longer to do routine tasks than anyone I can think of. I think to myself how a job should be done, how long it should take, but when I do it it is like there is some supernatural force that is keeping me from making good time. I get hopelessly depressed and fear I am like my brother and everyone knows (and then I quit). A couple of times a year I cry (every other day now) almost uncontrollably because I fear there is no future for me.

I have no friends. I have had nobody--NOBODY--to talk to or confide in since kindergarden save distant college aquaintences (whom I intentionally kept remote).

Imagine somthing for a moment: Seriously consider existing 20+ years on earth, speaking to nobody who isn't *directly* connected to a school assignment or a job. You wake up, you go to school, you eat, you sleep, stuck in your own head your entire childhood. Quickly, you are too embarrassed to approach any group of kids to ask if you can play. Then imagine one day you try to join a conversation but everyone is speaking a language you don't undestand. So you usually avoid contributing to conversation the rest of your life. You wake up, go to work, eat, sleep, repeat, every day, for years. You have no interests others can relate to and any conversation you can follow sounds tedious. You have no intimate knowledge of any subject. Everyone is talking to eachother and you're always just standing there, looking for another task to complete before somebody asks you to tell them about yourself--because you don't know how to answer. You don't know anything about yourself. You don't like to think about yourself. Reflection is torture.

Anyway, I spend all of my time alone and have since I was a child. I wasted my childhood playing Nintendo thinking all the kids were picking on or trying to humiliate me--including the slutty girl in gym class who would always jog next to me ('facepalm', as the millennials say). I will not eat out with my family because I don't want to be seen in public eating-out on my parents' dime. I still live with my parents because I have never felt I had job security (though I have a few times made enough to move out, but didn't). My brother wails and cries in the night in the room next door and sometimes that makes me cry too (he moved in with my mother a few months ago). I have a junior college degree and irregularly (but frequently) study calculus in an effort to convince myself I am good at something--that I am smart, that I am not my brother. I think Physics and Math are interesting, but I am not sure if it is more interesting because it is creative/inspiring or if it is just interesting because it seems difficult to me.

I have never been diagnosed with a developmental disorder (i.e. asperger's).

My sex life is a wash. Women flirt with me all the time, but I fear letting anybody get close to me. How can I have friends or relationships or flings when even I'm unhappy with myself? I first started dating when I was 22, and the first girl I admitted I was a virgin to thought I was being mean to her (?). All through high school I had no trouble getting excited, even after I was diagnosed as diabetic, but it took time before I had the courage to ask any girls out. I was extremely athletic and thought nothing could ever go wrong for me physically. Gradually though, I began having trouble. I had a couple of humiliating experiences with some very slutty (but very attractive) girls and today it's been over two years since I've been "full sail" without having to assist myself (and even then I've so rarely, rarely gotten it set up proper). I have never been able to complete my task with a woman (I only tried twice). Doctors I have revealed this to have been visibly shocked. I never wake up the way a man should. Nothing is interesting to me. Nobody is interesting to me. I feel like half a man. I've let a few girls I really liked get away because I was afraid they would think I was a homosexual and I'd have no way to disprove them, or worse--they'd just think I was a boring loser.

Thoughts of suicide come and go often now. Originally they began as juvenile, fleeting revenge fantasies in elementary school for all those who were 'so cruel to me', but they resurfaced in college and have become much simpler: Just die. Drive my car off an overpass, into a brick wall, borrow my father's gun. I feel so hopeless and humiliated. I am emotionally volatile. By that I mean my mood changes easily. I can be optimistic and easy-going one minute and devestated the next second. I am implosive. I know it's not personal if someone at work is being a dick--I'll bet more Americans are chemically imbalanced today than at any earlier time in history--but I feel so worthless that I have not earned respect. I feel sad and angry at myself and an inconsiderate world. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of failure and humiliation. I ask myself often now, "It's always going to be like this, isn't it?" No one else needs to suffer to end my suffering, but is there any more point in stalling?

All my greatest fears came together and grew in college when I discovered that despite my most earnest efforts, I was not good at work and not only let myself down, but the people who put their faith in me. No matter how hard I studied, I was not as creative/logical as I thought I could train myself to be for the jobs I thought I wanted. Worst of all, I was becoming more and more dependent on my parents for financial assistance. Performance anxiety is tormenting me. I am in a terrible cycle of setting myself up for failure and humiliation, betraying expectations, that has been going on for 8 years. I feel I am doomed to never feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel I am good at nothing. I feel incompetent. I will always get anxious at work eventually and abruptly quit, crying unemployed in a parking lot somewhere until I start all over again or end myself.

All I want so bad is to feel proud.

jjh333
01-31-2014, 12:10 PM
Hi there :)

That was extremely brave and honest, and whether it seems like it or not, a step in the right direction. You're searching for help here... Why stop now? You could talk to a doctor about many options like therapy or medicine. This forum is great for support, a lot of people here have been in your position, and will be full of advice.

mr.blanks1981
01-31-2014, 10:27 PM
[...] May I ask have you any assistance with therapy, medications - natural or chemical? Do you use tools such as relaxation, meditation, practicing corrective cognitive errors etc?

I have in the past. My father, who is bipolar, took my brother and I to psychiatrists in middle school and at the time I was diagnosed as bipolar. I have been on several different medications, usually just one at a time, ever since. Lamotragine (gen. "Lamictal") was the last one. Last October I went cold-turkey for a few reasons:

1) I exibit the same patterns of behavior regardless of what medication I am or am not on (can-do optimisim which turns into zombie-like devestation at minor thought or provocation; fear, shame, paranoia, etc coincide).
2) I had never felt more devestated by the time I decided the pills were having no influence on my outlook or emotional volatility, and quit my last job.
3) I was hoping the pills might be causing other problems that could be averted by stopping them (it didn't), among which are impotence and hair falling out.

I was seeing a hypnotherapist immediately prior to my resignation (my father demanded it) but ended those sessions because I felt like she wasn't really invested in helping me. I tried to get the doctor's attention during one session (listening to pre-recorded tapes in the dark--same as every session) over the headset because I had to talk to her about a traumatic experience, but she outright refused to talk to me repeatedly. She finally relented and I told her something horrible, and felt slightly better afterward, but the experience I related was only an agitation of pre-existing anxieties (not the catalyst), and I never forgot her previous refusal to listen to me.

Prior to that I had sit-downs with Psychiatrists where I said only as much as I needed to get my prescriptions refilled.


You have obviously been struggling for some time. Ponder has posted a link for an item that has resonated well for him and encouraged another member who is in crisis today.

I found Ponder but I don't know what link you are refering to; he posts often. Can you point me to it?

I hope you can find the support and answers you are looking for. Keep posting and read as much as you can across the forum. You're really not alone with what you are feeling.
Thank you, Frankie.


Hi there :)

That was extremely brave and honest, and whether it seems like it or not, a step in the right direction. You're searching for help here... Why stop now? You could talk to a doctor about many options like therapy or medicine. This forum is great for support, a lot of people here have been in your position, and will be full of advice.

Thank you for saying so. I have seen a few therapists/psychiatrists over time but I never wanted to talk at length about my problems. I still don't, but I know if I do not invest in some sort of therapy I could end myself on a whim.

Dahila
01-31-2014, 10:31 PM
Hi welcome to the forum. Your story is touching.... and very sad. You said you are bipolar? It is a disease that can be controlled by meds. My ex husband is bipolar, my best friend is and a few others, I know. Most of them have normal life..The problem with docs and therapist is they have an idea about the disease and they do nothing to know the person, Knowing the patient would really make a difference...

mr.blanks1981
01-31-2014, 10:51 PM
Hi welcome to the forum. Your story is touching.... and very sad. You said you are bipolar? It is a disease that can be controlled by meds. My ex husband is bipolar, my best friend is and a few others, I know. Most of them have normal life..The problem with docs and therapist is they have an idea about the disease and they do nothing to know the person, Knowing the patient would really make a difference...

Thank you for reading all of it, haha...I know everybody has a story and mine especially could use a few more jokes (or explosions, or cleavage, lol).
But I don't think I am bipolar.
I was diagnosed as bipolar as child, with heavy advocacy from my father, who did not learn he was bipolar until he was in his 30's. My moods are and always have been extremely reactionary. I left one paragraph out (second-to-the-last) of my little 'bio' that mentions background on my father because it was redundant in other areas. Here it is:

He has been in and out of jobs as much for layoffs as his obliviousness to his own behavior. He has had several bed-ridden cycles of depression since I was a kid. When I was in middle school, he thought the best idea in the world was to medicate me and my brother for Bipolar Disorder. My father is an almost stereotypically conservative man, and took every opportunity to point out to me and my brother how the world really worked. But early in my childhood he got fired from his job, and I was never sure again if he was "working at home" or "unemployed". It was one short-lived job after another with lots of time between. My stepmother has been the breadwinner for the past 15 years. My twin brother started showing serious behavioral and logical handicaps as well. I was an extremely anxious child who feared saying more than two words to anybody but I did alright in school--sometimes very well. I listened to my father's political prescriptions (and took the medical ones), and assumed I must be destined for great things because I seemed to be doing so much better than my brother and my gradually self-imposed isolation from other children gave me an existential sense of intellectual superiority. As I got older though, school got harder. I had trouble keeping up in high school and my isolation was wearing down on me as sexual and romantic interests/frustrations reached their highest. I came across a book of essays by Ayn Rand one day ("The Virtue of Selfishness"), digging in a box at school, and it made a lasting philosophical impact that has defined my character. Among other things, I decided that: 1) Men must work to be whole; 2) Great men are Thinking men; 3) Taking without compensating is shameful and humiliating. I actually became more tolerant of others by reading Ayn Rand's essays (I quickly learned she was a hypocrite, but still) and more critical of the conservative movement as a whole. I increasingly noticed my own father's hypocrisies and that I am part of a family where none of the men can provide. I trained myself to be more of an extrovert, taking care to be as natural as possible and avoid the stilted exuberance of my brother in conversation.

mr.blanks1981
01-31-2014, 11:57 PM
The thread with Ponders link is ..... I have decided to ...... Now I have not yet had a chance to look at the link but if ponder posted it in that thread it would have been with good reason. I hope tomorrow is a little brighter for you.
Found it (thanks, Frankie, Ponder). This was a very intersting video. The guy speaking hypothesises that depression can be our subconsiouses telling us that our expectations are not in alignment with reality. We have preconcieved notions of ourselves and what our role in the world is and are devestated when we discover we are not our own archetypes. Healing can begin by accepting we are not archetypal and need not be archetypal to be whole, that failure and sadness is a part of life and life goes on.

It's beautiful message. Bits and pieces of this theory manifest themselves whenever we start to doubt our own expectations ("maybe I'm being too hard on myself," etc) but hearing it all laid out like this might be just the opportunity I need to take a more practical approach to success and failure. I still need to find out what's slowing my brain down though. It would be awfully convenient if it was just stress...

here's the link if anyone wants to listen:
youtube.com/watch?v=KPx0nN6aQj0

Ponder
02-01-2014, 12:35 AM
Hello Mr Blanks. Ponder here. Not sure about what link it was I used, however the following link I did pass on for what I thought it was worth:
http://youtu.be/KPx0nN6aQj0

The day is well on now and I'm past my best, however all I can say - the best thing I got from that vid - is how each and everyone of us Lives a Lie. I have often simply refereed it to as Living The Lie. I'd often bring that one up with the employment case managers that indeed, wanted me to lie to prospective bosses about my criminal record and lack of credentials. I know well that point of no return as once discussed in here, how I produced a petrol can and rope to drive that point across their desk.

That's quite a story you have their. Whilst I am coming to and end with mine - that's is finding merit with letting go of our stories and starting anew - It's good when people can write it as you have done here. Keep writing until the words disappear. I think before we can let something go, we really need to see it for what it is, or otherwise it just seems to keep coming back. Only wish I could bring you more clarity to all that junk that each and everyone of us keeps of hold of. It's always easy for others to prescribe to us -> "if you think that way of-course you going to feel like that" Perceptions Perceptions ... Only we ourselves can find the way to our own solutions by facing what we often turn from.

Drugs can definitely help in a crisis situation as well as give people the start they need to get back on their feet. I'm currently having a break from mine. I am finding some relief with a herb called Valerian - although I don't take it every night. Exercise is helping me. So effective exercise can be, I used to work out when living in the streets. LOL @ that one.
__________________________________________________ _________

There's a lot of us in here that have all seen ourselves, and possibly still do, as Freaks, Nerds, or just some form of Lower Being - for simply not fitting in; or effectively playing our part as so taught from elementary and up. Once school is over and the penny drops, life just does not seem to add up - yet the pressure builds with so much expectation that eventually weighs us down as the video explains. Once we have run out of tears sitting in that parking lot - what's next? The guy in the video, Jeff I think it was - calls it an invitation - I see it more as an opportunity, however the intention for peace is still the same.

Take it from someone who has been gong over his own story time in and time out - it is true that when able - the best thing we can do is let go of the whole facade - the illusion. How so - ???

Keep writing till the keys begin to stick. You seem like your good with that. Check out things like - Mindfulness - Awareness - Being Present - Finding Peace in a Storm - try to relate what you can with the core of your feelings as opposed to your average symbolic metaphors. Write as to appeal to yourself - speak to yourself and don't worry how others might judge your own words. Polish later, but just let the words come - check out mindfulness writing.

Best I can offer for now man - In the words (if I may) of another great contributor here -GeneAllen- "I may not be the best example" I have been watching some of his vids and gleaning what I can - I can only hope that your able to keep searching - yet in doing so, that you'll soon come to that point where you embrace the rest to which most of us resist.

Peace ... as best I can share it. ...

Let go of the Facade and start anew.

Ponder
02-01-2014, 12:36 AM
Cool ... I see you found it. Nice to see you term the word Opportunity as I also thought. At least I seem to of got that part right. :)

DodgingRain
02-05-2014, 04:10 PM
Dunno, I hate living the lie. Especially with having a mentally ill parent who constantly told you how you were great and were going to do big things when you got older, bla bla bla. If only they realized how much damage they were doing. Having that lofty expectation drilled into your head over and over, total brainwash mind fuck. Either live up to it and suffer with not being happy or don't live up to it and suffer with feeling inadequate your entire life.

The thing is, with only being in the mid-20's you still have tons of time to get where you want to be in life. One step at a time, but decide what you want. Problem is who knows what that is when you've been mind screwed like us.

mr.blanks1981
02-10-2014, 12:27 AM
Dunno, I hate living the lie. Especially with having a mentally ill parent who constantly told you how you were great and were going to do big things when you got older, bla bla bla. If only they realized how much damage they were doing. Having that lofty expectation drilled into your head over and over, total brainwash mind fuck. Either live up to it and suffer with not being happy or don't live up to it and suffer with feeling inadequate your entire life.

The thing is, with only being in the mid-20's you still have tons of time to get where you want to be in life. One step at a time, but decide what you want. Problem is who knows what that is when you've been mind screwed like us.

I appreciate your input, thank you, but I thnk you give my father too much credit. He is not completely responsible for my inferiority complex. His ideals were probably never really my own. My dad likes to complain about special interst groups much more than he likes to promote/lamment anyone's work ethic. The libertarian ethic is something that resonated with me uniquely. At the time, my father lived in his bed and my twin was in a special school for kids who bite their teachers. I was drawn to the stoic, capable Randian Hero. The philosophy I had discovered sounded very noble to me.

You know what my most vivid memmory of my father is? The one that summarizes my experience with him? It's the one I had every day when I came home from school as a kid, and relive every night when I come home from work or every afternoon-off when I wake up. Every day, every few hours, there he is, in a hairy sweatshirt and sweatpants, on his bed, eating cereal and watching Fox News or UFC. It wasn't always like that, though. When I was in elementary school I lived with my mother and believed my father was a great man. He was a systems engineer for an insurance company and walking through his floor at work on Fridays just before he took me and brother home for the weekend was pretty cool. I belived he worked hard, was capable, and loved me more than anything. He told me stories of how he used to visit me in the hospital when I was having heart surgery, and how devestated he was when doctors couldn't let him take my twin home the day was born because he needed to stay in an incubator. He used to sometimes randomly talk about how one day he wanted us all to go waterskiiing and dirtbiking, and he'd ask me if I'd like to do those things one day. It was very painful for me knowning that I would not. I moved in with him in middle school and my brother followed (to my dismay). By highschool I realized my father could easily rationize discourtessy and handouts when it suited him. After the divorce and elementary school, I never saw him "work" again. Since he couldn't keep his jobs, I don't really know how capable he is. But I do know that he does love me and my brother every bit as much as I ever thought he did.

EDIT: Hopeless again, tonight. Browsed a sporting-goods store for firearm prices afer work. I don't think I can do it quickly this way--It would take at least a month to even afford a gun (it would be terrible--and difficult, since it's locked-up--to use my father's). Wasn't about to ask, "excuse me sir, can you show me any handgun bullets that 'mushroom'?"

stp4779
02-14-2014, 10:48 AM
Mr. Blanks...
I stumbled upon your thread and it truly broke my heart in every way possible.

You seem very eloquent, thoughtful and the exact opposite of how you see yourself. I point this out because, even though you don't see it yet, I see an unbelievably strong foundation in you. When I read your post(s) I saw a person who is incredibly introspective, and you couldn't ask for a better tool as you seek help.

I have two points I want to make. No, three!

1. It is of the utmost importance that you find a therapist you like, so you can begin to build a relationship, not just with someone you can trust, but more importantly, with YOURSELF. The right therapist can help you do this.

2. YOU ARE NOT YOUR FAMILY. Truly, you are not. You may display some of the same disorders as them (as do a lot of people on the forum, myself included), but they don't define you, they never will.

3. It's ok to be vulnerable. Self esteem issues always focus a lot on being vulnerable, showing your "weaknesses" to others. Being vulnerable is being human.

A therapist can help you accept these vulnerabilities, strengthen your self esteem and help you to understand what it means to love YOU.

You are not what you described, you've just convinced yourself you are.

jjh333
02-14-2014, 04:12 PM
Mr. Blanks...

2. YOU ARE NOT YOUR FAMILY. Truly, you are not. You may display some of the same disorders as them (as do a lot of people on the forum, myself included), but they don't define you, they never will.

3. It's ok to be vulnerable. Self esteem issues always focus a lot on being vulnerable, showing your "weaknesses" to others. Being vulnerable is being human.

A therapist can help you accept these vulnerabilities, strengthen your self esteem and help you to understand what it means to love YOU.

You are not what you described, you've just convinced yourself you are.

Just what I need to read today :)

mr.blanks1981
04-01-2014, 11:07 PM
I quit my job again, mid-shift.

Most of the time I felt like a powerless imbecile lorded over by smug yet similarly insecure supervisors. Every few weeks I would come home feeling hopeless and just cry and cry and cry and want to die (I am human and I... [kidding]). I had never so seriously researched methods of suicide or contemplated driving into a concrete wall before. The last time I came home in this manner I stomped all over my room, searching for any leftover alcohol, even rummaging through the dumster in my back yard for a bottle of Jim Beam my father had forced me to throw away the night before. 30 proof, if I recall. That's practically acid but I didn't care, I wanted so bad not to feel. He grabbed me in the kitchen and said...I think..."What hurts? What hurts? Tell me." I was all, "No, nothing, it's just the same shit..." But he persisted and the dam just broke.
I sobbed inconsolably for minutes.
"What's hurting [sic]?"
"...I should have died..." I gasped. Barely a whisper.
"What?"
It was the first time I had admitted such thoughts to my father, though I'm not sure how surprising such a statement was, by then. I have had several close calls in my life. I required mitral valve surgery when I was a toddler, became Type 1 Diabetic when I was 16, had been hospitalized multiple times for that condition, and even came close to being hit by a few cars. Yet for all my luck, I am a failure at life and terminably ashamed and fearful of my ineptitude. I gave my father a soft and muffled summary of my feelings as I cried into his chest, arms hanging at my sides:
"I should have died...I'm a failure...I am good at nothing...I fail at everything...I let down the people who put their faith in me...It will always be like this...It will never be different...it will never stop...I want to be dead."

I am failry certain that entire sentence is verbatim.

I don't remember what happened after, not much was said by either of us. But I do know that by the end of the night I was back to my impatient, procrastinatory self. I quit last week Because I was tired of what felt like unnecessary added pressure from a heavy-handed supervisor. I was tired of debating with myself if it was just me misreading and freezing up over the ho-hum eccentricities of individuals in tense moments and decided it was something I didn't deserve to have to put up with. So I quit. I felt like the most powerful man in the world until I walked out the door, just like I thought I would when I submitted and recinded my Two Weeks the previous week.

Now I'm unemployed again. Still never been fired, though I'm not sure how pristine a bullet-point that is on my resume considering the pattern. Off the wagon after 4 months. Also, drinking 24 oz per night, minimum. Within the next couple of days I expect to be crying uncontrollably again for my inability to take control of my life or end it.

needtogetwell
04-02-2014, 05:01 AM
I quit my job again, mid-shift. Most of the time I felt like a powerless imbecile lorded over by smug yet similarly insecure supervisors. Every few weeks I would come home feeling hopeless and just cry and cry and cry and want to die (I am human and I... [kidding]). I had never so seriously researched methods of suicide or contemplated driving into a concrete wall before. The last time I came home in this manner I stomped all over my room, searching for any leftover alcohol, even rummaging through the dumster in my back yard for a bottle of Jim Beam my father had forced me to throw away the night before. 30 proof, if I recall. That's practically acid but I didn't care, I wanted so bad not to feel. He grabbed me in the kitchen and said...I think..."What hurts? What hurts? Tell me." I was all, "No, nothing, it's just the same shit..." But he persisted and the dam just broke. I sobbed inconsolably for minutes. "What's hurting [sic]?" "...I should have died..." I gasped. Barely a whisper. "What?" It was the first time I had admitted such thoughts to my father, though I'm not sure how surprising such a statement was, by then. I have had several close calls in my life. I required mitral valve surgery when I was a toddler, became Type 1 Diabetic when I was 16, had been hospitalized multiple times for that condition, and even came close to being hit by a few cars. Yet for all my luck, I am a failure at life and terminably ashamed and fearful of my ineptitude. I gave my father a soft and muffled summary of my feelings as I cried into his chest, arms hanging at my sides: "I should have died...I'm a failure...I am good at nothing...I fail at everything...I let down the people who put their faith in me...It will always be like this...It will never be different...it will never stop...I want to be dead." I am failry certain that entire sentence is verbatim. I don't remember what happened after, not much was said by either of us. But I do know that by the end of the night I was back to my impatient, procrastinatory self. I quit last week Because I was tired of what felt like unnecessary added pressure from a heavy-handed supervisor. I was tired of debating with myself if it was just me misreading and freezing up over the ho-hum eccentricities of individuals in tense moments and decided it was something I didn't deserve to have to put up with. So I quit. I felt like the most powerful man in the world until I walked out the door, just like I thought I would when I submitted and recinded my Two Weeks the previous week. Now I'm unemployed again. Still never been fired, though I'm not sure how pristine a bullet-point that is on my resume considering the pattern. Off the wagon after 4 months. Also, drinking 24 oz per night, minimum. Within the next couple of days I expect to be crying uncontrollably again for my inability to take control of my life or end it.

Hey Blanks,

Have you ever spoken to your doctor or a therapist about how you feel?

You have had several significant medical issues in your life, is your diabetes under control?

You may benefit from some counselling, and tools to help manage your feelings.

Everyone needs help sometime. You have made a good step telling your Dad about it. Now look a little further.

I hope this passes for you, you will find your way! I believe that.
Cheers
Pam

stp4779
04-02-2014, 12:56 PM
That's interesting you're an Ayn Rand fan. I read Atlas Shrugged when I was 19 and quickly devoured everything else she wrote. I've been a huge fan ever since. She's the reason I'm a libertarian.

You seem to measure yourself a lot against Rand's philosophy of man as a heroic being, and with that comes a lot of unnecessary pressure, I'm sure! Rand's philosophy is really not so grand to me; that through the tenants of Objectivism, the purpose of one's life is to pursue their happiness. I'm sure you would agree you have a lot of things to work out before you pursue yours.

Talking to your father is a great step. When I read your posts, I feel like your main hangup is self esteem, fear of failure and showing your vulnerability. Telling your dad about your problems made you vulnerable and that's a GREAT THING! It took a lot of courage –*you should be proud of yourself.

You're not a failure because you've never allowed yourself to fail. You consistently quit your job or bag out on life before you can know whether you've failed or not. Sure, that may seem like the safe thing to do but where there's safety, there's no room for true happiness.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but you really should consider finding a trusted therapist if you haven't already. Pam is right – build on the success you've had of talking to your father. You don't have to struggle alone – there are people out there who can help you! You're worth helping and I believe a little part of you knows that, or else you wouldn't be here today.

I hope our words help you find that little glimmer of hope that can pull you out of this.
Kay

mr.blanks1981
04-03-2014, 09:27 AM
That's interesting you're an Ayn Rand fan. I read Atlas Shrugged when I was 19 and quickly devoured everything else she wrote. I've been a huge fan ever since. She's the reason I'm a libertarian.
Huh...I'd advise you not to read "Anthem", then :ack:

You seem to measure yourself a lot against Rand's philosophy of man as a heroic being, and with that comes a lot of unnecessary pressure, I'm sure! Rand's philosophy is really not so grand to me; that through the tenants of Objectivism, the purpose of one's life is to pursue their happiness. I'm sure you would agree you have a lot of things to work out before you pursue yours.
not really. I'm pretty boring. I'm very *happy* just thinking I'm doing a good job at work, which is rare, and that carries me through the rest of the day. I spend most of my time in bed or browsing the internet, otherwise. I don't do...anything. A real waste...


Talking to your father is a great step. When I read your posts, I feel like your main hangup is self esteem, fear of failure and showing your vulnerability. Telling your dad about your problems made you vulnerable and that's a GREAT THING! It took a lot of courage –*you should be proud of yourself.

You're not a failure because you've never allowed yourself to fail. You consistently quit your job or bag out on life before you can know whether you've failed or not. Sure, that may seem like the safe thing to do but where there's safety, there's no room for true happiness.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but you really should consider finding a trusted therapist if you haven't already. Pam is right – build on the success you've had of talking to your father. You don't have to struggle alone – there are people out there who can help you! You're worth helping and I believe a little part of you knows that, or else you wouldn't be here today.
I don't feel like I'm keeping any secrets from myself though. I'm very honest with myself about myself and how I've got it all wrong. I've seen lots of therapists but telling them all my embarrassing stories hasn't made me feel better in the long run. I'm not looking forward to doing it again for nothing...again. They always listen sympathetically and then admonish me for behaviors I've already called myself out on, hoping they wouldn't come up again. I wanna have my cake and eat it too...admit I'm paranoid but blame jerks for setting me off (who on here has done THAT? ;) ) It's a degrading exercise in futility.

I hope our words help you find that little glimmer of hope that can pull you out of this.
Kay

thank you for taking the time.