Can't allow myself to be happy, I don't really know what's going on?

[Applecherry]

My anxiety set in bad again around December, since, I really haven't been able to "relax", and enjoy life. A few times this week, I felt in a relaxed, jolly kind of mood, but even so, I still couldn't put my guard down enough to fully enjoy it without feeling some anxiety, so I still feel so mixed about everything..

I've been having so many panic attacks lately, I just can't seem to trust I can get through a day without one.

I've tried doing some hobbies, and I have some fun, but I just can't seem to fully take in a good mood. What can I do? :(

To add, I don't really have anyone..in the way of like a good close friend, no boyfriend etc.. I'm feeling quite lonely lately, and basically lost hope of ever finding good friends, or even love. I seem to have dreadful luck finding a romantic partner, the last guy I was mixed with, is basically a psycho path who stalks me, hacks my email..follows places I go online, and is all around a very malicious person.

The guy before him wasn't too great either.. I just don't have a lot of hope anymore that I will find the right guy... and I have no clue what to do about a career either.. I'm miserable right now.

[Applecherry]

If you don't have a special someone to start a life with, or some kind of career, what do you have? What are you supposed to do with your life?

I do have a great family who I love more than anything in the world, without them, I don't know what I'd do..but aside from that, what do I do, where do I go??

[jessed03]

Edit.........

[jjh333]

I lost belief for myself that it will happen actually. The whole love and career stuff. Even though I don't suffer the way I used to, I think certain social anxieties and OCD habits screwed me up as a kid. I don't seem to be able to stick at stuff. Something about 'boredom' or stability messes me up. My life has been so filled with high anxiety, OCD and PTSD, that when there's no conflict, I'm actually as confused as fuck, and throw a spanner into the whole workings, just to mess it up a little so I feel comfortable again


I think I'm the same way. I dont know if I'll ever be absolutely 100% happy in any decision/relationship/career I have. I go from being really confident to really insecure so I kind of just wait for things to fall apart, which basically makes me create my own destiny of things falling apart.

[Applecherry]

It's not as if I thought things would go badly as they did, I was following my heart, and the only thing I felt I understood.. :/

[jessed03]

Edit........