Really need some support right now

[reese]

I'm having one of those days that just makes me want to give up completely.

I'm on day 3 of partial hospitalization, where I go to groups and therapy all day and come home at night. Today during group I had this horrible ridiculous panic attack that came out of nowhere. I was just done eating lunch and was walking back to the group room when I felt really really hot all of a sudden, like I was burning up from the inside out. I have a trigger about temperatures, if I feel feverish I always have a thermometer on hand, so I took it and it was 99.6. Instant-panic attack. My heart rate went up to 130, I got sweaty dizzy and nauseous and ran to the bathroom where one of the staff found me hunched in a corner crying.


She took me to her office and tried to ground me, but it wasn't working. She had a client and had to leave so she set me in the lunchroom and told me to continue grounding and to come find someone if I still felt panicky. I waiting in the lunchroom, still having a panic attack, for an hour before my therapist came and found me. She worked with me on exercises and visualization before sending me home. When I got home I was overcome with exhaustion, the kind you feel in your bones, so I fell asleep and woke up an hour later feeling even worse.

I have that bone deep fear running through me, the kind that makes you feel like you're haunted. I'm so exhausted and I just know, just know, that I am going to die tonight or go crazy out of control. I know I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke right here in my bed and die.

I tried reaching out to safe people to ask them to come stay with me or just talk to me on the phone but no one is answering. I feel like they purposely don't answer now when it's me because they know I'll be upset and crying and they just don't want to deal with it.

I started birth control (the ring) yesterday to try and even out my hormone levels since I definitely increase anxiety and depression dramatically the week before my period, so I am convinced I'm going to get a blood clot and die.

Please.....someone just help me.

[SSMommy]

Awww Reece. I'm sorry. Temperature is a trigger for me too. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now so cut yourself a little slack. It sounds like there is a lot of negative self talk... You're assuming people don't want to talk to you when they may be just busy, preoccupied, napping, whatever it may be.

Hormones are a dirty mean b*tch. I have been sick for the past 5 days but been taking care of my even sicker husband and my daughter and today I've turned into a raging loon... Wanting to cry over everything, being angry with everyone, and just feeling downright lousy. Maybe the ring is affecting your hormones already? I tried birth control a long time ago and my body did not like it so I only took it for a couple months as it made me feel very swingy.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have anything you can focus on and try and shift your mind too?

[SSMommy]

To not too... Sorry hate that.

[justme55]

reese hang in there honey, I was right where you are now 3 days ago. How did I get thru? This forum, a lot of kind words from everyone. You will be ok. Your having a bad day and tomorrow will be better, I promise! I to wish I had someone to stay with me and just hold my hand and tell me it's going to be ok but I don't, you have to dig deep inside yourself and say I'm going to be ok. Hang in there.....................it WILL get better. cyber/hug Peace

[jessed03]

When someone is down, we sure rally round people here, so know whatever happens there in PA, you can always log on and have a group of people around you who care, and who know exactly what you're going through.

As you wrote that post I actually lived it with you. It made me flashback to every single time I'd felt those feelings, and reminded me how horrific they are. That unites two people. It unites thousands of people even, and does so here on this site!

I've lived through moments so unbearable, like you. Moments where darkness felt choking. Thankfully and confusingly I found a way to at least some slightly bluer skies, due to a little judgement I guess, some luck, and... a lot more luck. I say this because I didn't believe, for so long, that such a thing was even able to happen. It felt too intense, too consuming.
Please know that things can come out of nowhere for the better. When not expecting, something can all of a sudden begin to click into place. It really can, I'm not just saying that. I've seen it happen so much. You can stumble upon breakthroughs in the strangest places. Enlightenment follows you around daily, it's just a case of crossing paths with it. Keep believing. Stay inquisitive.

Quite a few of us are on Facebook if you ever wanna come on. That way someone's alwaysthere for an instant chat using the messaging feature, and you can also chat to whoever using the free call feature Facebook has. That way you can chat to anyone of us for free when feeling bad, and you know we'd never miss your call.

Chatting to a safe person always helped with my attacks.

Sending you some love from across the Atlantic!

I'll put it in the same box as Frankie's :)

[reese]

Thank you for all the support. I am basically all alone here and don't have many people I can rely on.

Today was somewhat better, less anxiety, but somewhat worse, more sadness.

I guess I just need to learn to trust the process ape been if I can't visualize the end result.