PiggyStardust
01-30-2014, 03:54 PM
Hi.
First of all ill apologise ahead of time for what will probably be a messy first post, I'll do my best to get all my information out there without being to confusing or annoying.
Very recently I talked to a free mental health service in my city. The reason I went was because my partner found out about my (very sporadic) self harm problems, and insisted I go. I never saw it as a big deal because I've always considered it a means of dealing with what I am now discovering to be a larger problem.
After my first time speaking with the lady at the mental health centre she told me that she believed I might have anxiety issues. She is a councillor and not a psych or anything like that so it's not an official diagnosis or anything, but she's referring me to a Dr for further appointments.
I always just thought of myself as a bit of a worry wart. I was leery of things like roller coasters and flying, deep water, etc. pretty common stuff.
As I got into my mid to late teens it got a little worse. I would convince myself my parents had gotten into a fatal car accident if I couldn't reach my mum on her mobile or if they were late home, or I'd be sure that I was bring followed when I walked home from school. I would go through short spans of time where I was perpetually worried. I could feel this kind of...ball of tension sitting in the top of my stomach that wouldn't go away.
I started to get these invasive thoughts, I wouldn't go out to let my dogs inside if they were out the back because I'd convinced myself that I would find my dog drowned in the pool. I had no reason to think that other than the picture of it angrily pushing its way into my head.
It sounds kind of bad at this point but really around then this wasn't regular. It happened sometimes. I would go three maybe a week of feeling like this, then I would be fine for months.
As I got older, around 17/18 I feel like I dealt with it. It happened less and less often and that tension in my stomach became rare. I kept myself distracted. There were still little things though. My sister had a baby and I was terrified to hold her, I kept telling myself that I would drop her and she would die.
I got over that, but then I started worrying about her when she slept. I checked her constantly to make sure she was breathing, and if I wasn't home I would call my sister and try to get her to check her daughter for me. Even thoug I was dealing with things a bit better now, I credited a lot of that to the fact that when I started to feel that tension build up in my stomach, I would cut myself. It felt like it just made that knot loosen a little. I didn't do it often, maybe 3 times a year.
Fast forward to now. As silly as it sounds, up until I spoke with memtal health I never reàlly thought I had a problem. As I said, I just figured I was a worrier. It's not until the lady I spoke to pointed out how these things affected my life that I realised this might be worse than I thought. Things like, I never got a drivers lisence. I can barely bring myself to get behind the wheel of a car. I've made every excuse under the sun but the truth is I'm terrified of vehicle accidents, and the thought of my own incompetence causing one.
Recently, in the last year or so, things have gotten progressively worse. I love to travel but it had become extremely difficult. I've always been a nervous flyer but now I will freak out of I can't contact my loved ones back home every day to make sure that nothing has happened to them. The invasive thoughts have gotten worse, I'll have graphic thoughts of things like my parents (both divers) drowning. I have these horrible uncontrollable first person kind of videos in my head of that sort of thing happening. If my fiancé is running late home I'll call him again and again- I'm fully aware that its ridiculous and annoying but I can't relax until I know he's ok.
In the last six months, I've started to worry about going outside, and about my loved ones going outside. I'm terrified I'm going to become a hermit, some days I to frightened to read the news because I'm sure ill read about someone I know having something awful happen to them, or a pandemic or something mad like that. The knot in my stomach just keeps feeling tighter and bigger.
Then, other days, I'm totally fine. Everything will be great. I won't be frightened or worried or anything.
Then some random thought will creep into my head, or I'll see something on tv and it starts all over again.
I'm sorry that this is all over the place, and that it probably makes no sense and its completely full on. I'm just scared now of how bad I'm getting, and I need to know that there's someone out there that gets it. Someone whose been there. I hope I'm posting this in the right place and I really hope I haven't inadvertently said something silly or offensive or anything.
Thanks for reading,
Piggy
First of all ill apologise ahead of time for what will probably be a messy first post, I'll do my best to get all my information out there without being to confusing or annoying.
Very recently I talked to a free mental health service in my city. The reason I went was because my partner found out about my (very sporadic) self harm problems, and insisted I go. I never saw it as a big deal because I've always considered it a means of dealing with what I am now discovering to be a larger problem.
After my first time speaking with the lady at the mental health centre she told me that she believed I might have anxiety issues. She is a councillor and not a psych or anything like that so it's not an official diagnosis or anything, but she's referring me to a Dr for further appointments.
I always just thought of myself as a bit of a worry wart. I was leery of things like roller coasters and flying, deep water, etc. pretty common stuff.
As I got into my mid to late teens it got a little worse. I would convince myself my parents had gotten into a fatal car accident if I couldn't reach my mum on her mobile or if they were late home, or I'd be sure that I was bring followed when I walked home from school. I would go through short spans of time where I was perpetually worried. I could feel this kind of...ball of tension sitting in the top of my stomach that wouldn't go away.
I started to get these invasive thoughts, I wouldn't go out to let my dogs inside if they were out the back because I'd convinced myself that I would find my dog drowned in the pool. I had no reason to think that other than the picture of it angrily pushing its way into my head.
It sounds kind of bad at this point but really around then this wasn't regular. It happened sometimes. I would go three maybe a week of feeling like this, then I would be fine for months.
As I got older, around 17/18 I feel like I dealt with it. It happened less and less often and that tension in my stomach became rare. I kept myself distracted. There were still little things though. My sister had a baby and I was terrified to hold her, I kept telling myself that I would drop her and she would die.
I got over that, but then I started worrying about her when she slept. I checked her constantly to make sure she was breathing, and if I wasn't home I would call my sister and try to get her to check her daughter for me. Even thoug I was dealing with things a bit better now, I credited a lot of that to the fact that when I started to feel that tension build up in my stomach, I would cut myself. It felt like it just made that knot loosen a little. I didn't do it often, maybe 3 times a year.
Fast forward to now. As silly as it sounds, up until I spoke with memtal health I never reàlly thought I had a problem. As I said, I just figured I was a worrier. It's not until the lady I spoke to pointed out how these things affected my life that I realised this might be worse than I thought. Things like, I never got a drivers lisence. I can barely bring myself to get behind the wheel of a car. I've made every excuse under the sun but the truth is I'm terrified of vehicle accidents, and the thought of my own incompetence causing one.
Recently, in the last year or so, things have gotten progressively worse. I love to travel but it had become extremely difficult. I've always been a nervous flyer but now I will freak out of I can't contact my loved ones back home every day to make sure that nothing has happened to them. The invasive thoughts have gotten worse, I'll have graphic thoughts of things like my parents (both divers) drowning. I have these horrible uncontrollable first person kind of videos in my head of that sort of thing happening. If my fiancé is running late home I'll call him again and again- I'm fully aware that its ridiculous and annoying but I can't relax until I know he's ok.
In the last six months, I've started to worry about going outside, and about my loved ones going outside. I'm terrified I'm going to become a hermit, some days I to frightened to read the news because I'm sure ill read about someone I know having something awful happen to them, or a pandemic or something mad like that. The knot in my stomach just keeps feeling tighter and bigger.
Then, other days, I'm totally fine. Everything will be great. I won't be frightened or worried or anything.
Then some random thought will creep into my head, or I'll see something on tv and it starts all over again.
I'm sorry that this is all over the place, and that it probably makes no sense and its completely full on. I'm just scared now of how bad I'm getting, and I need to know that there's someone out there that gets it. Someone whose been there. I hope I'm posting this in the right place and I really hope I haven't inadvertently said something silly or offensive or anything.
Thanks for reading,
Piggy