Freeking out even though all is cool

[indigo]

Hey everyone
I am new here and it is so great to read your posts and try to compare experiences...
I am a woman 30 years old. My last depressive-anxious phase has been lasting for over a year now. I've been on Zoloft for several months, did not help. Then got off it, with some pretty bad withdrawal symptoms, and tried Saint John's Wort, still on it, with some occasional Diazepam. And I am still not better.
Anyway, I am still insisting on functioning normally, even though it is freaking me out. And my life is ok, ok job, working with people I like, money ok, have a nice flat, a new boyfriend... However, I am almost constantly anxious with severe somatic symptoms, such as nausea, not being able to eat, muscle tension, and this gets worse every time I am in a situation that is even a little demanding - such as a meeting at work, or meeting a friend knowing I would have to stay somewhere for a while, spending time with boyfriend knowing we are supposed to have fun, going to work knowing I will have to be smart and productive... Often things work out and anxiety goes away as I deal with situations, but more often it just turns into panic attack and I have to leave the room! And it just keeps increasing as I try to calm myself! I also have severe gastric pain, I am taking Controloc twice a day but it does not really help.
I hate the fact that I cannot enjoy life and just look forward to every day that I survived. I know that is it horrible since there are people with actual problems, but I am so scared that this is going to get worse, or even stay the same, and that will never again be able to go out and enjoy it like a normal person or enjoy a fact that a guy I like has asked me out on a date... And I really do not know what to do.
Anyway, this is the first time for me to be on any forum ever, so I just wanted to introduce myself and see what happens.

[random]

Sounds like you're mostly anxious about anxiety itself, so the biggest thing to realise is that it's self-perpetuating. Once you ask yourself whether you're anxious, you're already stuffed because even if you weren't anxious before, now you are! Then you're worried because now you're anxious, and it snowballs from there because it gets worse every time you go round the loop.

I think you're doing the right thing by getting on with life and exposing yourself to the things that make you nervous, ultimately you can't conquer your anxiety if you run away from everything that causes it.

Let go of the fear of it getting worse, for starters. So what if it does? You have family and friends for support if it gets really bad. Don't monitor yourself quite so closely either, because when you ask "how am I doing" what you're really asking is "am I anxious" with a thin veil of worry - and guess what emotion comes next!

One more thing - drugs won't cure you. They can help, but if your mind's intent on tying itself in a knot then it will do so drugs or no drugs.

Try not to put pressure on yourself as you step into every situation, just do the best you can and if you need a break excuse yourself for a few minutes and focus on smooth, steady breathing. Don't try and force yourself to be calm, just breathe - calmness is the side effect when you engage in peaceful exercises :)

[indigo]

Thank so much for your reply. Even though I am aware of most of the stuff you are saying, it makes much more sense when you hear it from someone else... I understand I must stop being afraid, but I just do not know how. I have tried many approaches but I seem to be out of new ideas. And it is so exhausting... But you are right and thanks again...

[Robbed]

Thank so much for your reply. Even though I am aware of most of the stuff you are saying, it makes much more sense when you hear it from someone else... I understand I must stop being afraid, but I just do not know how. I have tried many approaches but I seem to be out of new ideas. And it is so exhausting... But you are right and thanks again...

The important thing to remember is that you CANNOT just simply stop being afraid and have it all go away overnight. That's not the way it works. It takes TIME to recover from anxiety. In a way, I guess you could say that you have to 'prove' to the subconscious that everything really IS okay. And the only way to do this is to try to reduce your level of fear as much as you are able to do. This also means trying to reduce your fearful reactions to anxiety symptoms as much as you can. For instance, try to keep in mind that you have had this problem for over a year, yet things have not really gotten any worse. After all, it hasn't killed you or sent you to a mental hospital yet, so it really isn't going to. By doing this, you will see a GRADUAL reduction in anxiety symptoms over time. But be aware of this fact, as it might actually take several months to a couple of years before you are entirely yourself again. And it is VERY easy to stress over the fact that your symptoms are still present - even if things are MUCH better for you than they were even a short time ago.

[kevinpanic]

Sounds like me...I've been freaked out by everything and anything. Even things like napkins lol...sounds really dumb but its true.

[indigo]

thanks robbed, and kevin,
you know i had a pretty bad morning, went to work, could hardly stand the day, took valium as soon as i got up and thought of staying at home, and then, after some eight hours, i somehow relaxed and now i am 80% ok. it is weird how these strong anxiety flashes come, and then last intensely for hours or days, and then they almost disappear and you just feel - was it really like that? now i am so exhausted, and would love to stay in and just try to relax completely. i know that fear from fear is the worst problem, and it will take time to get over that. regardless of anxiety, i do keep doing those "normal" life things whenever i can, but right now, i am just soooo exhausted from being at work (normal day, no real stress) and having a drink in a restaurant...
but when an anxiety attack or state comes, i am jut afraid that it will never stop, and then, the usual fear, that i will go crazy, and then when i read those depression and anxiety help sites, there are all those warnings "if you feel suicidal you should immediately..." which then COMPLETELY freak me out, since then i start questioning myself if i am maybe suicidal, which i am not, but i am not to happy with living, so what if one day.... do these warnings freak anyone else?
but, as a sign of comfort, this half of day is pretty much ok, so we should all know that one day maybe all days will be like this...
but anyway, thanks so much for support.

[angelyork]

Hi indigo

Some of the things you just wrote - OMG!

The anxiety isn't always a short ordeal, I have 'states' that can last hours or days. It feels like it might go on forever at the time. And after, like you, I'm not sure if I really felt like I thought I did...

And the suicidal thoughts - I question myself sometimes. I worry that I might have these thoughts but not know it, or I might have them in the future, that they might suddenly be in my head and so urgent that I won't have time for rational thought before I do something stupid. Then I worry about my family and how could I do something like that to them, as if I am ALREADY having the thoughts. And so on causing anxiety that probably wasn't even there to start with.

I get anxious if I'm not anxious because it's not normal for me NOT to feel anxious. Know what I mean?

[Robbed]

Speaking of depression/anxiety sites and suicidal thoughts, you might want to stop searching for solutions to your depression/anxiety problems on the web OR from doctors. Because the mainstream medical view of these sorts of problems is a VERY grim one - that they are genetic brain diseases that are lifelong. And this is something that will only FEED your fear of depression and anxiety. Keep in mind that this is probably the prevailing view only because if you try to solve it THEIR way (ie medication, and medication alone), the results are NOT going to be very good.

[indigo]

well, we will see. i know that my last anxiety phase came a year ago after two years working without a vacation and a really stressful work and family situation. i fell like it was a response to burnout. i was very energetic and enthusiastic about everything, not thinking about myself, only about my tasks, and now suddenly only can think about myself, and everything that i do makes me tired and exhausted. and depressed.
i really hope that it will slowly go away, i guess understanding that other people are going though same issues make it easier...
and yes, i did stop going through those websites and trying to focus on positive thoughts, but when the crises comes, then all rational ideas seem to disappear.
i must say that i was quite disappointed when zoloft did not help, or did only slightly. so now i only take st. john's wort (i am aware that it is a placebo, but it does make me a little more comfortable), and some benzos when an anxiety attack happens. one doctor said to my friend in a similar state that she should not worry - this is what she has. anxiety is a state of mind of a neurotic person and it gets better or worse but bthat she should not worry about going out of her mind since that would be a completely different disease. doesn't this sound comforting!
anyway, good luck to all post readers, and let us try to start the new day with positive thoughts!