Finding my identity as a man

[williamwallace]

Hi Everyone,
I'm pretty new to the site and wanted to first say hello. Im an emotional (and some physical) abuse survivor. Im 44 and married with 3 children. I obviously struggle every day with anxiety and depression as a result. Long story short for this forum only (I will explain my whole story in another thread)...I grew up in a very cold household with zero love expressed between anyone. But one major thing was that my dad taught me nothing about being a man, all he did was remind me of how useless I was and how I would grow up to be nothing. As a result of growing up under this hellish roof I literally have no identity...no idea what is expected of me as a man or as a father. I obviously can "wing it" but Im discovering men who had these great relationships with their fathers and find them so emotionally healthy and brave. I feel like a ship lost at sea with no direction. My question is this...do any of you know of internet sites or programs that exist for grown men to get that guidance/get that "training"? I almost look at it like the Marines and how they can turn a mindset around in bootcamp. Im looking for a program I guess that can reprogram my way of thinking. Something that can teach me the ways of a man and what is expected of me...perhaps it will help with my confidence and self esteem as I have none. Am I making any sense??? Just picture a little boy being told only that he sucks and then being sent off into the world as a 22yr old...how would you help him?

Regards,
William

[jessed03]

John Alexander's book - How to be an alpha male. Pretty good for a read. Torrent it, don't pay 50bucks for it.

That'll outline some things successful men do. Read the book, understand the concept, then forget about the book, don't go trying to live up to a 'program idea' then it just becomes Dogma.

Aside from reading;

Connecting with your masculine desires will help somewhat.. They're your friend, they're there to guide you, the healthier they are, the more masculine you are. Part of being a 'man' and all that that entails, is having optimal chemical and hormonal balances.

So:

- Take ZMA (Zinc, magnesium and B6), it's good for testosterone levels.

- Play some sports or get into shape, exercise is a great testosterone booster. Natural seeing as we were hunters.

- Discover what you want in life, sit down, and discover it, don't stop writing until you find it. Then, brainstorm how to get close to it. You may not always get what you want, but you can get close. You can get in the same building to it. Follow those steps, and don't compromise. Ever. Be willing to die for it. This is gonna help testosterone levels too.

But the bigger side, the mental side:

What's wrong with being you though? What does being a 'man' entail to you? Do you wanna be more successful? Do you wanna be firmer and more authorative? Do you wanna be more confident? Do you wanna be 'stronger' so you aren't abused again? Do you wanna feel less lost and confused?

The idea of being a man is a blanket term. There are many unsuccessful, unhappy, hated 'men'.

I mean, try and hone in on the deficiencies you believe you have.

I'm guessing, based on your post and history:

- Poor self image due to lots of abuse
- Confusion
- Lesser joy surrounding the act of living
- Low levels of confidence; this affects your creativity, your sense of authority, your drive and desire. Affects how you communicate with the world and how it communicates with you
- Low self esteem; perhaps this limits how you open up, how you connect, and how you influence people and how they influence you

Some thing's can't necessarily be undone at 40 years of age.

What can be undone and worked on, are confidence, self image, and esteem issues though. After you read the John Alexander book, try this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Your-Emotional-Self-Self-Esteem/dp/0470127783/ref=cm_lmf_tit_22/187-5639799-4162931

It's for people who had cold parents, and have experienced abuse. It's for people who have low self esteem and poor self image.

I think working on those things will help you get closer to where you want to be.

A healthy level of confidence, will naturally help you feel less confused and unsure.

Confidence issues close you up like a coffin. They make you doubt. You have every reason to be low on confidence, as you say.

All the answers are probably inside of you, ready for whenever you are. That's most often the case in these cases. Nature provides us with what we need most of the time. Sometimes it just gets messed up somewhere along the line of our upbringing.

No man learns this really, no man is born knowing what to do, they just follow their instincts. And do what they enjoy. They follow what makes them happy and what they believe in. The answers just..reveal themselves really.

Good parents don't teach you how to be an efficient man as such, they teach you it's ok to express yourself.

Being a man isn't about what you do, there's no real guideline I've ever found. Even if there was, following it wouldn't make you authentic, it'd make you a robot. I've always felt being a man is about having the confidence to express yourself, whatever that expression may be.

I feel that's what's failing you right now. You don't have that.

You've been taught to push expression inside of you.

You need to learn to let it out.

Then life will begin to work!!

Your instincts may not be in the best shape right now because of your mental stuff. Your confidence to express yourself is shot. That's all gonna make you feel the way you feel.

But that's changeable. People overcome that.

I have a really strong feeling, once you get that sorted, this whole 'being a man' thing is gonna fit right into place.

Take care of the stuff inside of you first, then if you feel you need to learn some other specific stuff, like how to open up better, how to communicate better, how to be a better husband or father, then there are places to get advice on that too.

But the self image, confidence and esteem must be worked out first my friend :)

If you want to love others, love what you do, and love life, it really helps to learn to love yourself first.

[John_Mark]

Hi Everyone,
I'm pretty new to the site and wanted to first say hello. Im an emotional (and some physical) abuse survivor. Im 44 and married with 3 children. I obviously struggle every day with anxiety and depression as a result. Long story short for this forum only (I will explain my whole story in another thread)...I grew up in a very cold household with zero love expressed between anyone. But one major thing was that my dad taught me nothing about being a man, all he did was remind me of how useless I was and how I would grow up to be nothing. As a result of growing up under this hellish roof I literally have no identity...no idea what is expected of me as a man or as a father. I obviously can "wing it" but Im discovering men who had these great relationships with their fathers and find them so emotionally healthy and brave. I feel like a ship lost at sea with no direction. My question is this...do any of you know of internet sites or programs that exist for grown men to get that guidance/get that "training"? I almost look at it like the Marines and how they can turn a mindset around in bootcamp. Im looking for a program I guess that can reprogram my way of thinking. Something that can teach me the ways of a man and what is expected of me...perhaps it will help with my confidence and self esteem as I have none. Am I making any sense??? Just picture a little boy being told only that he sucks and then being sent off into the world as a 22yr old...how would you help him?

Regards,
William

Hello! I'm not 44 yet, but I also lived in a family with zero love expressed. Maybe a kiss a year, but nothing more. My girlfriend is in the same situation. Is it strange? I learned that's not. This is how people used to be, yet some still are. Not only my dad taught me nothing about life, but I never had one. I had a step father, that was saying I'm shitty and something related. The other father left me when I was a child. Do I know how to be a man? No, but I will learn eventually. Hope, not too late..

[I am not my brain]

I have a similar situation. My father pretty much degraded me since I can remember. He had nothing positive to say about me, and taught me nothing about what it takes to me a real man. I don't even consider him a father.

The only thing you can do is just move forward to the best of your abilities. I've had lots of situations that I failed at, but I have to just use the failures as learning experiences.

Don't be to hard on yourself, and know that all the negative things that were said about you were all lies.

[williamwallace]

I cant thank you all enough for the kind words and wisdom. I will keep on keeping on and follow your suggestions. As I discover new thoughts I shall report back. Also, if u remember anything else or stumble across other ideas please please post them for me.
thank you
William

[NixonRulz]

Was gonna reply. Jesse, you nailed it.