hippysilverware
01-23-2014, 07:24 PM
I'd been reading the messages in the forums for a little while, and realized I didn't really know how to relate to a whole lot here. So I took some little online diagnoses test, just to humor myself, and the only thing I scored high on was something called Avoidant Personality Disorder. Well I decided to look it up, and sure enough I matched that pretty alright. Only it started me thinking on whether or not my whole make-up is based off of a disorder.
I've always had a general idea of what I wanted in friends. It was something that worked out for me for a long time when I was younger, but now I find myself talking to no one really. I had a friend I've known 15 years and she came back from Hawaii to visit and never came by to see me. Didn't even bother calling to say she wasn't coming the day she said. I had another friend I've known a long time, and although I understand there's a lot going on in his life, I get the feeling he hasn't got much reason to speak to me anymore since he's gotten his life back together so to speak. There are two sisters I've been friends with twelve years that barely speak to me, and when they do it's only to ask to hang out if I'm in town. The list goes on like that.
When I was younger, the friends I wanted to have were the kind of friends that talked to you when they were down, listened to you when they were up. Ones that were comfortable sharing their general thoughts with you, that were excited to tell you about even something as small as a song they found. After reading up on the disorder, I couldn't help but wonder if I was asking a lot. Most people seem to just want people they can go to the movies/shopping etc. with, and that's about it. I wondered if the reason I want people to share all that with me, or to talk so often with me, is just because I'm worried they're abandoning me if they don't?
Even when these people talk to me, I still feel lonely. It used to be that we all /did/ talk the way that I wanted out of friends, but now it seems like a very casual acquaintance with everyone. It seems only like they talk to me to have someone to listen to them, or hang out with them; but no one ever hears me out anymore. I can come up with a lot of reasons for it, but it's /those/ that sound like excuses. I can't help but think there's something wrong with me; but if there were, why does everyone talk to me anyway? And only when they're lonely or bored or any number of things that make me feel like a used rag.
Yet I have (at least I feel like) a decent handful of friends to feel like what they do is normal.. and maybe it's just the way I think. I thought it'd be a good idea to "vanish" so to speak. My number is getting changed in a few days, I thought it might be a good opportunity to hide myself away for a good while. I actually feel a lot better when I'm alone, I don't have to ask myself these things.
I've always had a general idea of what I wanted in friends. It was something that worked out for me for a long time when I was younger, but now I find myself talking to no one really. I had a friend I've known 15 years and she came back from Hawaii to visit and never came by to see me. Didn't even bother calling to say she wasn't coming the day she said. I had another friend I've known a long time, and although I understand there's a lot going on in his life, I get the feeling he hasn't got much reason to speak to me anymore since he's gotten his life back together so to speak. There are two sisters I've been friends with twelve years that barely speak to me, and when they do it's only to ask to hang out if I'm in town. The list goes on like that.
When I was younger, the friends I wanted to have were the kind of friends that talked to you when they were down, listened to you when they were up. Ones that were comfortable sharing their general thoughts with you, that were excited to tell you about even something as small as a song they found. After reading up on the disorder, I couldn't help but wonder if I was asking a lot. Most people seem to just want people they can go to the movies/shopping etc. with, and that's about it. I wondered if the reason I want people to share all that with me, or to talk so often with me, is just because I'm worried they're abandoning me if they don't?
Even when these people talk to me, I still feel lonely. It used to be that we all /did/ talk the way that I wanted out of friends, but now it seems like a very casual acquaintance with everyone. It seems only like they talk to me to have someone to listen to them, or hang out with them; but no one ever hears me out anymore. I can come up with a lot of reasons for it, but it's /those/ that sound like excuses. I can't help but think there's something wrong with me; but if there were, why does everyone talk to me anyway? And only when they're lonely or bored or any number of things that make me feel like a used rag.
Yet I have (at least I feel like) a decent handful of friends to feel like what they do is normal.. and maybe it's just the way I think. I thought it'd be a good idea to "vanish" so to speak. My number is getting changed in a few days, I thought it might be a good opportunity to hide myself away for a good while. I actually feel a lot better when I'm alone, I don't have to ask myself these things.