Olive Yew
01-23-2014, 03:45 PM
I have depression anxiety and for the most part, I have been doing a lot better. My friend who is a psych major suspects I'm on burn out but I wanted opinions from people who actually have depression.
Every day for the past three weeks, I will start off feeling decent... Normal. Maybe with my emotions muted just slightly but they're there. Then every day around midday is when it hits. It is like I will start sliding backwards and all my emotions just turn off. No happy, no excitement, no "in love".... It is like my body starts running on auto pilot but "auto pilot" consists of uninterested, mildly sad, bored with everything.....
But this is what's scaring me (here it comes guys). My boyfriend who is VERY soon to be my fiancé is like the most wonderful person I have ever met. He's funny, incredibly kind, patient, loving, supportive, everything I ever wanted. He has depression, anxiety, PTSD, and brain damage so he knows how I feel in bad times. He's one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I'm sure God brought us together to spend the rest of our lives together.
But when I go on auto pilot, i cant feel my love for him.... So much so that when he's being affectionate, it is almost annoying. It is breaking my heart because I dont know how to fix it and I feel like I'm being incredibly unfair to him and I want my old feelings back SO bad. Im fine with my friends and family. No feelings have changed with them, but with him... I cant find that spark again. It is better when we're in person... When I can touch him, kiss him, make it feel real again. It is still not as vibrant of emotions as before but it is SOMETHING.
I dont want anyone to tell me that "this happens and maybe you need to separate" because that isn't going to happen. I dont want to lose him. I dont believe that this has anything to do with our relationship and it has everything to do with my stupid malfunctioning brain. I cant even express how much I HATE my brain when it malfunctions. I want my life back so bad.
And I'm pretty sure it is my brain because normally I'm a hopeless romantic, i love everything mushy gushy, sappy, cheesy, corny.... It normally would get me all squirmy and fan girly. I squeal and happy cry while watching Little House on the Prairie reruns for goodness sakes! Like that's my thing. It is what i'm known for... But I dont even get like that anymore. Not about movies or books or day dreams.... I fake it so people dont notice the difference and partially it is like going through the motions. Like my body is used to the reaction but it isn't reacting because of an emotion.
Does ANYONE know what I'm talking about? Can anyone tell me how to get it back? This has like sucked out what I enjoyed most in life... And that's love. I'm so upset i'm almost in tears writing this. Please help me!
Every day for the past three weeks, I will start off feeling decent... Normal. Maybe with my emotions muted just slightly but they're there. Then every day around midday is when it hits. It is like I will start sliding backwards and all my emotions just turn off. No happy, no excitement, no "in love".... It is like my body starts running on auto pilot but "auto pilot" consists of uninterested, mildly sad, bored with everything.....
But this is what's scaring me (here it comes guys). My boyfriend who is VERY soon to be my fiancé is like the most wonderful person I have ever met. He's funny, incredibly kind, patient, loving, supportive, everything I ever wanted. He has depression, anxiety, PTSD, and brain damage so he knows how I feel in bad times. He's one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I'm sure God brought us together to spend the rest of our lives together.
But when I go on auto pilot, i cant feel my love for him.... So much so that when he's being affectionate, it is almost annoying. It is breaking my heart because I dont know how to fix it and I feel like I'm being incredibly unfair to him and I want my old feelings back SO bad. Im fine with my friends and family. No feelings have changed with them, but with him... I cant find that spark again. It is better when we're in person... When I can touch him, kiss him, make it feel real again. It is still not as vibrant of emotions as before but it is SOMETHING.
I dont want anyone to tell me that "this happens and maybe you need to separate" because that isn't going to happen. I dont want to lose him. I dont believe that this has anything to do with our relationship and it has everything to do with my stupid malfunctioning brain. I cant even express how much I HATE my brain when it malfunctions. I want my life back so bad.
And I'm pretty sure it is my brain because normally I'm a hopeless romantic, i love everything mushy gushy, sappy, cheesy, corny.... It normally would get me all squirmy and fan girly. I squeal and happy cry while watching Little House on the Prairie reruns for goodness sakes! Like that's my thing. It is what i'm known for... But I dont even get like that anymore. Not about movies or books or day dreams.... I fake it so people dont notice the difference and partially it is like going through the motions. Like my body is used to the reaction but it isn't reacting because of an emotion.
Does ANYONE know what I'm talking about? Can anyone tell me how to get it back? This has like sucked out what I enjoyed most in life... And that's love. I'm so upset i'm almost in tears writing this. Please help me!