What type of issue is this?

[marcus1980]

Hi all,

I believe I have an anxiety issue, but am not really sure what it is. Perhaps it is more of a low self-esteem thing? Here are a few examples of situations that I have trouble dealing with:

1 - I used to coach a certain sport with another instructor. I would sometimes feel that the kids would like the other person more than me.
2 - I get a bit jealous when my in-laws come to town and spend time with my daughter. I know this is wrong, but I feel like they are almost trying to get her to love them more than me. I know it sounds crazy, but it is what it is.
3 - At work I sometimes get jealous and feel that my opinion is not needed or wanted. For instance, I get along really well with my boss who is a woman (i'm male) and we work on quite a few of the same projects. If she talks or has meetings with others through other duties she has I feel bad. I almost feel like she'll enjoy being chummy with my other co-workers more than me. What is frustrating about this is that I am married. I shouldn't in my opinion feel this sort of jealousy.

Anyway I know this is not much to go on, but I feel like I have some issues that I need to work out. Appreciate any advice.

Thanks!

[Applecherry]

Sounds like you have some depression, and self esteem issues which are creating your anxiety.

I am a bit lost on what you say about your boss, are you feeling romantic feelings for her? Or just fear you will lose her as a friend? because, there is a difference.

[JLBnole68]

Jealousy is a horrible, wasted emotion that will, in fact, drive people away from you if not placed in check. And I would agree that the jealousy is being driven by self-esteem issues. Any particular reason you feel this way? Were you ever bullied or withdrawn while growing up or were you outgoing/extroverted? Sometimes those experiences can linger into adulthood and manifest themselves in our thoughts or the way we interact or view situations. The fact that you realize these things about the way you feel is a great first step towards finding a healthy viewpoint. Obviously, you know it's normal for grandparents to want to spend time with their granddaughter. What difference does it make which coach was liked "better"? You're there for the kids, right? Or your boss, for that matter? Has she reprimanded you, ignored your input, or has she tried to be fair and include everyone on the team? Something must be driving your need to be liked "best".

[JLBnole68]

Also, I would imagine this is a form of anxiety. Does it cause you any physical symptoms?

[marcus1980]

Sounds like you have some depression, and self esteem issues which are creating your anxiety.

I am a bit lost on what you say about your boss, are you feeling romantic feelings for her? Or just fear you will lose her as a friend? because, there is a difference.

Thank you for your reply. I have thought about this before. Do I find her attractive? You bet. But I've been working on the same team as her for a while and have never had these sorts of jealousy issues. Although I think she is attractive there has never been any indication by me or her that there would be anything romantic. But I won't lie it would feel nice if she did feel the same about me. It probably doesn't help when someone at our Xmas party said she was my work wife. Ever since then it is almost like I need her constant reassurances and hate when others joke around with her and such. It makes me feel pathetic.

[marcus1980]

Jealousy is a horrible, wasted emotion that will, in fact, drive people away from you if not placed in check. And I would agree that the jealousy is being driven by self-esteem issues. Any particular reason you feel this way? Were you ever bullied or withdrawn while growing up or were you outgoing/extroverted? Sometimes those experiences can linger into adulthood and manifest themselves in our thoughts or the way we interact or view situations. The fact that you realize these things about the way you feel is a great first step towards finding a healthy viewpoint. Obviously, you know it's normal for grandparents to want to spend time with their granddaughter. What difference does it make which coach was liked "better"? You're there for the kids, right? Or your boss, for that matter? Has she reprimanded you, ignored your input, or has she tried to be fair and include everyone on the team? Something must be driving your need to be liked "best".

You may be onto something. I do want to always be the best or the most important. I was a shy person growing up. I wouldn't say I was picked on but certainly was not popular and did not have many friends. I also did a sport fr most of my life and was really good up to age 14. Then I seemed to stop improving which was very frustrating.

As for my current adult life it seems like I still need to be the best. Best father, want to be paid more at work, be a key player at work. I even do extra work from home so I can be an even better provider. I guess that probably isn't a bad thing but when I can't be fully happy with myself it's hard.

Thanks for the reply!

[Applecherry]

Thank you for your reply. I have thought about this before. Do I find her attractive? You bet. But I've been working on the same team as her for a while and have never had these sorts of jealousy issues. Although I think she is attractive there has never been any indication by me or her that there would be anything romantic. But I won't lie it would feel nice if she did feel the same about me. It probably doesn't help when someone at our Xmas party said she was my work wife. Ever since then it is almost like I need her constant reassurances and hate when others joke around with her and such. It makes me feel pathetic.

Since I don't know your life or your situation, all I can say is cheating on your spouse is a whole other ball game, and if I were to give my opinion, I'd say don't go there, it's not right. but, again, I don't know you well enough..but cheating is never a good thing.

[hippysilverware]

I can understand where you're coming from. I've had similar issues with friends of mine. It's kind of that uncomfortable feeling that I wasn't good enough, and they'd realize it once they hung out with other people and they'd completely abandon me.

I get the feeling it's not really about cheating on your wife, but just to have her feel like you're attractive too? Apple is right about the self-esteem issues. Once you start feeling more confident in yourself by yourself without the assurances of others that kind of jealousy will go away all on its own.

I actually got over this feeling being in my first long-term relationship, so I guess my advice to you might be to talk to your wife about your feelings? Maybe not so much about your boss as about feeling a little down in the dumps haha (don't want to cross those wires!). She should definitely be a great jump start ^^ then it'll be easier for you to feel good without being reassured of how fun/loved you are.

[marcus1980]

I am in no way considering cheating. The woman I find attractive is also married and in my opinion has never actually made it seem like she would be even into me in that way. Where I struggle is when others try to be a bit flirty with her or when she meets with others. I feel like they'll develop better relationship, friendships, etc. I know it sounds incredibly stupid but it's almost like I want her to like me best, rely on me the most, etc.

[em1]

I think as humans we all
Want to be liked and loved by people and if you don't you do get abit hurt by that more so if your good friends,as for fancying someone that's ok as long as that where it stops as if not it's playing with fire