Will it ever stop hurting?

[Nikkers]

Hi everyone, new here but have been lurking in the forums for a few weeks. I'm not really sure where to post, I suffer from depression, anxiety, SA and health anxiety and Im really uneasy about posting but I really need someone to talk to.

I really don't know where to start. I have suffered depression and anxiety in the past and I was severely agoraphobic for about 6 years, couldn't go out into my own backyard. I was medicated with prozac and that worked quite well for all of the above for a good 13 years. I stupidly stopped taking it as I felt I was doing well. I was wrong.

The last 3 years have been a shitstorm of one terrible thing after another happening, I will not go into details just yet, I'm still a bit freaked out about taking this step to post, (damn SA). My depression came back so 8 months ago I decided to go back on meds, but a different ssri this time. I had a bad reaction to it and consequently it damaged my hearing which resulted in very loud intrusive tinnitus (ringing in my ears 24/7) That triggered major anxiety and even more depression but I am too scared to try any other meds because of what happened.

The last 8 months I have been barely functioning, I think every twinge, pain or feeling will be a death sentence from some horrible disease, I'm a chronic googler and I'm sure alot of you can relate :p My depression is by far the worst it's ever been and I think about suicide alot (I hope this isn't upsetting anyone, I truly don't mean it to) Recently another bad thing has happened and I'm not coping. I feel it in the form of physical pain, it just wont stop, my heart feels like it is breaking and I just cry and cry. I only manage about 4 hrs of sleep and then when I'm awake I find it hard to believe this could be happening. I rock back and forth like an idiot and cry for it to not be happening, making up bargains of things I would do or give up if it would just stop hurting like this. My heart pounds out of my chest and my stomach is so fluttery with worry and stress that I nearly vomit.

Anyway thats me, I have left alot out but tried to put in some of the main things happening to me atm. I guess I just needed to let some of it out and also wanted to hear from others so I know im not just being silly and should stop being so dramatic. I also have crushing guilt about weird things on a daily basis that makes it hard to function. I really never thought I could feel such emotional pain and worry to the point of being sick, the mind is a real bitch sometimes.

I have been reading your posts and replies and you all seem so supportive and such truly lovely people and that gave me the courage to finally make a thread :)

xo

[Nikkers]

I would also like to add... I apologise for my robotic style of posting. Ive become extremely withdrawn over the last 3 or so years and I fear being judged so I think I hold back alot in how I write and what I say. I worry that im boring people and that my punctuation and grammar is incorrect so I constantly check and recheck. A fair while ago someone said to me "I remember when you used to be fun" That hit me hard and stuck with me and I just kept withdrawing further. Today, I really don't know how to talk to people. If I have a conversation I spend the next 6 hours going over every single thing I had said, so sure I had said something wrong and they were judging me. Eh...so very screwed up!

[Ponder]

Hi Nikkers,

Just say what you need to say. These places work best when we can just be ourselves. For many of us, it's the only place we can. I have a lot of hang up and just let out what I must without much fear of being disliked. As you may know, once you get to that spot where it feels pointless to draw another breath; then holding back only serves to keep us from living.

That's a good first post here IMO, as you did indeed just let it out. I like it when others can do that. Good for you. Being able to describe the pain without the details is quite an art and useful tool. I like to think I am at my best when able to feel the pain itself without all the thinking. That way I am able to release it without making more. In that regard, making some heart felt post have served me well here. I can't say much about my reactionary posts, but better to react her rather than on scene without thinking first.

None the less - thanks for sharing that -
YES it does get better, however the amount of pain that is to be had this day and age, requires much strength and again, I would say the more your able to xpress what you must without fear of what others may say, will not only help to let go of such pain, but also help you build strength.

This is a place where you can just be yourself - WELCOME
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Call me ponder or Dave - your choice :)

[Nikkers]

Wow, thank you so much, I was really worried no one would reply.

frankiecfc - I have read many of your posts and am so impressed with the progress you are making :) Being agoraphobic is just horrible, that walk around the block is a tremendous achievement. I read one of your posts where you were saying how you chatter to yourself. I did the exact same thing when I was attempting to walk around the block back when I was agoraphobic. "Ooh that's a big fence, it's a crappy colour though, the sidewalk has a crack in it, ooh there's some grass and a bird, birds are cool" etc lol.

Dealing with this depression and anxiety without meds has been a nightmare, I had relied on them for so very long and I'm so angry that I decided to stop them when I thought I was well. I have been getting worse lately due to something that's happening in my life atm and last night I had .5g of Ativan, the first med since I got Tinnitus 8 months ago. Unfortunately it sent the ringing in my ears sky high which bought on an enormous amount of anxiety. I was pretty hysterical last night. Due to financial reasons I had to move 6 years ago, I ended up in a small town which I absolutely HATE but I can't move because my son has his school here, he's built really strong relationships and has a girlfriend he's been seeing for over a year. Also, I can't really afford to live anywhere other than this shitty small town, real estate prices are really high in the metro areas.

Due to my social anxiety being so bad (I am finding it really hard to even post on a forum) I have no friends at all, not a single one (yet I'm painfully lonely). I dread it if I ever have to interact with one of my son's friends mothers, I make it as short as possible and then spend the whole night worrying about what I said. I find it hard enough to say hi to the cashier at the supermarket when she says hello to me. I do have a roommate who is just fantastic. He is an amazing person, very supportive and helps me when I break down, which is happening more and more. He talks to me, reassures me and lets me vent. We were in a relationship for 3 years but I ended it because I couldn't handle it anymore, I don't know what I couldn't handle, I just felt like I was going to burst. He still lives with me and we are the best of friends and hopefully when I'm better we want to try and re-establish our relationship. He tells me he will wait forever which makes me feel dreadfully guilty but he says he isn't happy being around anyone else. I hope one day we can be a normal couple.

I have guilt issues that have been plaguing me since I had to move. All of the guilt is in some way connected to my son. When we moved up here he was ripped away from such a great group of friends and everything he knew and was familiar to him, had to start a new school, make new friends etc and went from a nice area to a not so nice town of gossipers. That has stemmed into some really bizarre things that plague me with guilt. A couple of examples are, if I leave a carton of milk next to the bin in the house instead of actually taking it out to the recycling bin immediately I think the house will look messy and he will think I'm a lazy mother. If I don't have his dinner made by 7pm I start to panic because I haven't fed him on time and he will be really hungry and be going without. If I'm having bad depression and can't get out of bed (most days now), I will make sure my door is shut because I don't want my son to see me and feel bad because his mother is so dysfunctional.

That's a tiny part of what goes through my head on a daily basis that sends so much guilt through me, my heart literally hurts. Now the stupid thing about all this is 1. My son is 18, not a little kid and 2. He is a wonderful boy, not once in his life has he ever complained about his dinner, the house, me being in bed or any of the other ridiculous things I feel guilty about, yet I can't stop :( I have tried CBT with 2 different therapists, I don;t know if it's the therapist I don;t gel with or if I'm not good at CBT, I try the visualizations and I just can't do them, the ringing I have in my ears makes it really hard to concentrate too. I do try breathing when I think my heart is going to burst and I have a 30 min guided meditation thing I found on YouTube that I listen to if I get really bad. It does help a tiny bit, I drift off sometimes then all of a sudden get rocked back into the present with the heart going and shaking. I am persevering with it though. I have been eating really healthy for a while now, although for the last week I have barely eaten at all. I was going for a walk around the block every night for a while but since this latest worry, stress and depression has set in I haven't been for ages.

The support here will be so very welcomed, I'm so lonely and I just don;t know what to do anymore. I have an appointment with a new therapist who I think does more psychotherapy than CBT, so I think she talks more about past issues and tries to get to the root of the problem so hopefully that will help. Thank you so much for your support frankie and taking the time to talk to me. I love reading your posts and I love seeing how far you are going with your walks and your daughters chain chart which I thought was fantastic :)

Ponder - Thanks so much, I was terrified to make a first post, it took me long enough, I have been lurking around these forums for quite some time now and know a fair bit about alot of you from reading all your stories. I'm still holding back quite a bit but I will hopefully be able to come out of me shell over time and share more of myself. I agree completely about being about to react here rather than on scene. I replied to a thread of yours I saw last night about real estate agents and renting. It said the moderator had to approve it but it had a few swears in it so it may not make the cut lol. I HATE renting and the judgement that goes along with it, I also feel the same about being on a disability pension. I feel like everyone is looking at me like a burden on society and a leech and I should get off my ass and get a job. That actually plagues me ALOT. My mother, who I no longer talk to, said to me "How do you even get out of bed in the morning, you have no aspirations and you burden this country while the taxpayers have to support you" That was when I really started to feel self conscious about what others thought about me being on the DSP.

Anyway, thanks guys and I look forward to chatting with you futher

xo

[Ponder]

I just last a huge response yet again.

TY for giving me the honer of reading that share Nikkers

Perhaps in the morning I can better respond. My heart goes out to you and am glad that Frankies is able to be here for you. Frankie has been a huge encouragement to me TY Frankie :) Again, perhaps in the morning - sucks losing a big post :)

[Nikkers]

Thanks Ponder, for listening and taking the time to reply, sorry you lost the post...very frustrating indeed! I hope the moderator approves the post I wrote in your thread or maybe mine was lost too and that's why it's not shown up.

It was so wonderful to have the support from you and Frankie, you are both very special people who helped me in a very dark time. Just listening and responding was all I needed to pick me up. I hope you feel better tomorrow and rest well tonight :)

I am going to try and include myself in the rest of the forums a bit more and hopefully I can be of some help to others suffering this horrible crap that we go though on a daily basis.

xo

[Dahila]

Guys try not to make the post too long, better post twice...

[Ponder]

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--------------------------------------------Understood Dahila :)-------------------------------------------------------

Hi Dahila, hope all is well. For me, when the words start to flow, I sometimes have to keep typing them out before they slip away on me,. I find the paragraphs used thus far in this thread quite adequate, however understand that still can be an issues for some people. A lot of text bundled closely one line after the others. I still suffer from Dyslexia and that combined with eyes strain and what not, totally agree that walled text can be hard to read.

Whilst I still get your meaning Dahila (or think I do) I would still like to encourage all peoples to let whatever words come mind flow as they write. However on that note, I have to agree, that many of us (INCLUDING MYSELF) would do well to consider how our long posts are formated for the ease of others to read. Yet for me, I find it more important to first type out those letters as they come and then attempt to edit at the end with line breaking.

Line breaking is like doing a second post without actually having to break my train of thought with submitting and then having to post a quick reply, however whatever works I guess. LOL Seems I have dragged out my response on this one little issue however, maybe now is a good time to show how a line break works like a second post. Thanks for bringing this up Dahila I understand. I for one am glad to more long winded souls like myself - when you got to blow you got to blow. So it is, that with Nikkers sharing that I too can catch such wind to better keep moving myself. :)

Dave.
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___________________________________________>>> Tinnitus:

That constant reminder that no matter when all has been said and done; just when you thought you could relax, now comes closer that distant and ever present sound - a boiling kettle, crickets in the heads, take your pick. The more you wonder on just where it is coming from, the closer it gets. The closer it gets, the louder it becomes. Now it's here - finding a reprieve barely comes till more stress begins. Thus Rest, hardly ever comes for those of us that suffer such a condition.

I know this one well Nikkers.

I have been living with it for years, however it was not until about 2 years ago or there abouts, that medicine triggered it for me. LOL -> I smile to think the irony for me of how it is that many suffers actually turn to meds to quiet the beast. It's different for different people no doubt. Mine is a high pitch that gets higher and louder the more I resist it. I have come to embrace it the way one may do with thoughts in order to let those go as Zen Buddhist would do so in order to look beyond such obstacles.

It's with me right now - Hello Mr/Miss RINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG - perhaps talk to it like one may with self when out for that walk. I believe, although my memory is a little scratchy on it; that such is liken to a neurologically or nerve condition - but no doubt excess noise combined IMO with high levels and long term stress can and will eventually trigger that permanent Rinnnnnnnnnging - It can start out as a low pitch as well and manifest a million different ways.

I avoid all the hype with so called miracle cures. Other than accepting it as best I can like my current chaffing issues - a little education by being self aware has helped me to use it as a gauge to my current health. The louder it gets, the more stressed and sick my body and mind be. Currently with my attempts to exercise and thus my body under stress; during times of rest the ringing is louder and very present, yet with the meditation and practice of acceptance I am able to live as though it is not there. The more I try to be rid of it, the louder it gets.
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-----------------------------> I leave this post be for now. Just wanted to share a little about my Tinnitus. Thought if might be of interest for you to know how I deal with that too. I do hope you are feeling a little more at ease, getting to know more of us in this place. Wishing you very well, however not so much as to overshadow what must come and go.

On that Note _> From myself and my ringing friend to you and yours. ;)

Dave...

[Nikkers]

Thanks for you wonderful post Dave. It bought about mixed emotions I have to say, sadness that you too suffer from the horrible constant ring but at the same time comfort in knowing that someone else understands what it's like. I gotta say, you described my Tinnitus precisely! I'm sorry to heat you have had this beast for such a ling time. I didn't handle it well at all when it started. I scoured the net for answers as to what the hell was going on, I had had it before, you know that ring you get that lasts maybe 10 seconds then goes away, but this, this was LOUD and constant, all the time with no breaks in between. I was in denial, how the hell could medication I was taking to make me better do this to me. Now I am so terrified to take anything at all that I battle on through my anxiety and depression without meds, even though I know I desperately need them. I took .5 of Ativan a couple of days ago because I was over the edge and since then I have become terrified that it had increased the tinnitus, can't win lol.

The first 4 months I spent curled up in a ball in my dark bedroom, sobbing. I stayed away from the Tinnitus forums as people were always fighting and there was much negativity and I couldn't handle it anymore. I went there for help and support and saw people ripping each other apart. I have slowly come to terms with it and I guess I kinda just "deal" with it on a daily basis now. I don't find masking helps, the only place I can't hear it is under the shower. It's such a shitty circle that started all this. I took meds for depression, the meds caused the tinnitus, the tinnitus severe anxiety and the sever anxiety has spiraled my depression out of control. I love with such anger at myself, If I had just not taken those dam meds to begin with. If I had just stayed on the Prozac that had done me well for 13 years. I have alot of anger and regret that I need to get over or the tinnitus is never going to become a background thing for me.

I also believe it is a neurological thing, it gets louder when I am tired and when I'm super stressed even louder then and my ears get blocked and flutter in time to outside sounds. Have never tried a 'miracle cure' and I never intend to as I know they don't work. I saw and Audiologist, ENT and had and MRI and that's all I can do. I have to work on accepting it. The sme SSRI that caused my tinnitus is also recommended for people with tinnitus as a relief, ha! how ironic.

Dave thank you for your post, thank you for taking the time to share with me your experience. Here's to acceptance and a bit of peace and quiet :)

xo

As a side note - I am going to start copying and pasting my longer posts before I click the reply button just in case they get lost, I have a copy of it.

[em1]

Hi ya Nikkers welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing how your feeling,this is aaa I've step forward and the hardest thing to do so well
Done for doing it :D
We are all on here to help one another and to talk to each other when we are feeling down and when we can give others advice no one on here ever judges any other person because we are all going through a very difficult time,of your having a bad day let it all out don't keep it to yourself
Don't ever been down on yourself if your not feeling great one day as we all have them, embrace any good day you have even if it's for ten mins,your in good Company On here :)