I think I really need some help or just someone to listen

[srs170]

Hello everyone. My name is Shanna and I am 22 years old. Im new to this forum, and talking about my depression openly all together. I am very nervous about sharing my thoughts/feelings and even more nervous to hear the advice and points if views of others, however i feel that I cannot bear the loneliness of holding it in anymore and I feel like I just have to get my thoughts and feelings out somewhere. Im a little desperate and I feel like im drowning. Ive never talked about my depression with anybody but my bf, so please bear with me because I have a lot to say.

I have been depressed for a very very long time. As long and as far back as I can remember making my first real, reflective, conscious thought. I suffer from really horrible social anxiety and so as much as I want to go talk to someone professionally, I cant because Im afraid if being judged. Even sharing this now scares the noodles out of me because I dont want to be judged. Ill spare the details of all my depressive episodes and just cut to what has really been pushing me to find help lately.

As I mentioned before the only person who knows about my depression is my bf. I have been dating him for 4 years now and honestly I live and breath for him. He gives my life purpose and meaning and hes the only one who gets me and understands me...but recently, i feel that loving me is becoming more of a chore because of my depression and negative thoughts...i feel that my emotions are pushing him away and making the one person that is able to make me feel young and alive, feel like he has to be strong for the both of us..and its making him tired..i cant help but tell him all the details on my mind because he is my only outlet..i literally dont have a single friend..he is my only friend..and i cant tell my family because they wont understand and dont know how to deal with me..whenever i tell my bf my emotions now i immediately feel guilty for sharing them and making him listen to all the negativity and self hate that i have... Its gotten to the point where i feel like my emotions have ruined and pushed away the one good thing i have in my life..and recently i found that hes been flirting and talking to other girls when hes never done that before.. He says he loves he so much but..idk..i dont even know what to say because it makes me cry...

Honestly lately i just wish that I didnt feel or think anything..like my emotions ruin everything.. I just want to think like a normal human being and not fall apart every day..recently ive been wishing and praying that I just disappear..all records of me.. My names, my belongings, all memories of me.. Like i never even existed at all.. I just want to vaporize... I hate myself so bad that even i want to get away from me...what should I do? I feel like this is my last hope..please someone help and understand me..

[jessed03]

Hey friend,

I'm glad you reached out Shanna. Sure, this is only a forum, but once people reach out once here, it usually sparks something in them to go and reach out a little more, and get help, or communicate better with loved ones.

There's strength in unity!

Your relationship with your bf is kind of unhealthy, huh? I mean, I understand COMPLETELY, I'm not judging or criticising one bit, not at all, I promise, I've been there too (girlfriend), I'm just a little worried whenever someone's happiness or wellbeing rests almost in the hands of one person. I'm sure he's a really great guy, but life can throw curveballs when we least expect them.

I think you did great posting this :) it's a very detailed post. It's given me a lot of understanding about you really, the stuff you're going through the pain you're feeling. It was very well expressed, very honest, especially given the anxiety you say you feel.

Which brings me to say, I really don't believe you'll get judged seeking a psychologist. I mean, if I told you some of the stories I've heard, about some very strange people, you'd find your anxiety kinda boring lol.

A lot of what you say fits into the category of anxiety and then depression - I'm sure you can tell that, you're clearly knowledgable when it comes to yourself.

When I was reading, I was thinking, when is she gonna mention meds, when is she gonna mention meds - cos I do feel you're in a position where talking to your doc about some antidepressant help will be very useful to you. Depression is believed to be a chemical imbalance afterall. Often you need a little chemical help to fix it.

I do believe strongly that a lot of your problems would lessen significantly with that additional medicinal help. You pop a little pill, it makes life that bit easier to manage, and then you can focus on getting the real stuff sorted by getting your relationship back on track, and talking through your problems with someone.

It's hard, you have to plough through fear and discomfort, it takes guts, it takes effort, especially when you wanna just disappear, but before you know it, there's a good chance that a happier, more normal feeling Shanna may appear.

That's sort of my opinion, well, that's what I'd do if I woke up and found myself in your shoes and called myself by your name. That would be my course of action, for certain.

I'm glad you posted.

I have seen people here where you are, I've even been there myself at different stages in my life. More than once sadly. Never feel lonely whilst I'm on the other end of a PM, or whilst there are a community of people who post here daily. I'm here, they are here, to listen, to help if they can. Anytime you want, or need somebody. I promise you don't have to feel totally lonely, or hopeless. This place is full of understanding, and overcoming.

Have a little hope, even if it is just a little :)

Take care!

[GeneAllen]

Welcome and you're on your way to freedom. You have taken a great step, and now what? You progressively get better. So you have great things to look forward to

and even this moment you're steps ahead of where you were before sharing. Jesse has offered some "real" insight about the bf/gf relationship. Listen up.


Peace:)

[NeverToo...Fear]

Hi Shanna.. it's good to meet you. I also think that it is great that you posted. Don't fear being judged, because I and no one hear will ever judge you. We didn't ask for depression or anxiety; it's just something we have to deal with.
Seeking out a professional to talk to sounds like a good idea. A step in the right direction. I'm sorry about your bf flirting with other girls. I'm sure he is a great guy because of how you can really talk to him, but still, actions hurt.

Hang in there. Stick around here and keep posting. We'll listen.. And you'll find that this is a great place for support, advice and understanding :)

[Isabelleva]

Hi Shauna

Firstly, welcome! Glad you managed to get the courage to post about yourself.

Secondly, reading that was weird it was almost like I had written parts myself. The self hate, wanting to erase everything is literally the thoughts that have been going through my mind this evening and made me come on and post something.

The boyfriend part is awful, I know how you feel as with an ex it was exactly like that. He was my world and everything at the time, the first person I ever spoke to about what runs through my mind. But I just couldn't deal with the flirting, it bought out this jealous awful part of me that I hated and I couldn't take the pain. The mistake I did make at the time was not firstly talking about it with him, it's something I should have done rather than bottle it up and feel the pain inside. But you should let all of your life revolve around one person, I've learnt that now and it's something I am proud of myself. I know I can be alone and it's not that scary, I pushed myself out to meet people and make friendships. I'm still working on that mind you, but i know I can if I keep pushing. You had the courage to come on here and post to strangers about some of the most secret and painful parts of your mind and life, if you can do that then you can definitely strike up a conversation about an everyday topic :) I have faith that you can too.

I've never spoken to someone professionally, so I can't really advise on that but do whatever feels comfortable for you. You might find you just want to talk on here first for a bit, and then you may want to talk to someone professionally. You don't need to rush your decision, you've made the first step in coming here :)

And in regards to your self hate, I completely understand that. It's a regular thing for me to be honest, and it's not something that will go straight away but there is always something that's 'not so bad' as I like to say lol...whether it's a hobby your good at, the colour of your eyes, your ability to listen to others or sing well in the shower there's always something no matter how small. You just need to remind yourself that. You were born how you were because no matter what it is, or how big or small it will be your going to make a difference and an impact on this world :)

Remember to love who you are, because other people do.

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