People Not Taking the Time to Listen to Us.

[Ponder]

Hi guys,

Just me again. I so wanted to give you all some good news. Jesse I think I am jinxed and it's why I spend more time in here than the other sections of this forum my friend. Dahila knows (Hi Dahila) well enough I am capable of contributing to the forum despite my rather downward spiral of late. I do find much inspiration being member here.

I need to talk to you guys

The New property manager to this place I now find myself in, really spoke down to me yesterday. You know how some of us here suffer from delayed speech, stutter and so on when we try to catch our thoughts when thinking for responses or what we want to say.

I was met with a barrage of words from this young lady, and they came with no room for flexibility whatsoever. We have not even finished contemplating the all to often tension surround the exit report from the last place, only to now find myself now being read rules and regulations with photos presented plus a pompous attitude to match.

There I sat in that office with my wife - both our postures rather submissive and defeated from the days long journey and events. As the property manger's words rattled off no slower than an AK47 machine gun with the trigger held in; my wife and I just looked at each other with the same gaze and no doubt the same thoughts "here we go again" ...

The trigger that was bound to come as they ussually do, was something or other to do with new information now being added "watering responsibility regarding newly planted bushes" Well well ... having done this now 30 times - I knew well how they can slip these things in and being at the end of my rope as it were, I objected strongly but within my rights - I feel.

Immediately I was met with resistance as mentioned earlier above. That's ok as I understand that's a fact of life, however what is not ok - is when people can see you struggling to find words or even detect anxiety in your voice, how it is that they seem to think that permission to railroad you with what's what and what's not. I find that extremely humiliating and very undignified. To add insult to injury - they finish up with "now YOU OK?" "You Right" "You sure you don't't need to go for a drive and settle down" Again - my wife and I just resort to that same gaze with with same thought.

This - the new property manager - I know not what to do. I don't't think it is right that we should have to be deal like this. Please advice me what to do.
They know we are both on a disability - today I will try to explain this mess with the manager and also explain exactly what my disability is as well.

I am completely derailed in this matter - PS Wife also slipped off back steps - now has broken ankle and her MS is inflamed too.

I feel I need to get some kind of advocacy?

[Ponder]

picked wife up from hospital - two broken bones right lower leg.

Dealt with real estate - not taking their shit.

Mozies biting like crazy.

Fleas still biting me.

Still unpacking.

neighbours dog jump their fence and I had to return them

now putting up my own dog proof fence

teenagers crying about internet speed

eldest son visiting is adding to the stress with his drug taking antics.

SMILE JESUS LOVE YOU ;)

[Dahila]

I am sorry about your wife Dave, I understand the situation better than anyone, I was in this for twelve years. Whatever I did , even when I was paying full rent , i was nobody, and they treated me like shit. The most happy day in Canada in the last 22 years was when I moved in with my BF into brand new house. Eight years already, but I still dream about the place, where i went through hell. I hate all the landlords, they feel they have power over you.
Like you i can never find the right answer at the moment, being anxious. I know what to say, it just does not come out. It has nothing to do with the fluency or not fluency in the language.




I have no idea how to quote:(
I only hope you will somehow convince the assholes about your good intention to stick with the rules.

[Cullingford]

Sorry to hear you are having such a crap time at the moment and I am really sorry your wife has broken her leg. As for renting we are very lucky here as long as our landlord gets the rent they don't bother us at all. A house I rented about 20 years back, the landlord put it up for sale without even telling us! we didnt know until the estate agent put the sign up outside!. When I complained he just said if you want to stay you will just have to buy it.

Anyway its good to see you back Dave.

[Ponder]

Thanks so much guys. I really needed to post this. You summed that up quite well Frankie. TY also Dahila for your understanding.
UNDERSTANDING seems to be in short supply these days. While at one of the local pharmacies hiring a wheelchair and waiting for a script - I was passed as electronic device that resembled a garage door opener, before the attendant walked off saying nothing to me. I called out "excuse me, you left this behind" gesturing to the electronic device. "Oh no, that is for you" came the reply. Perplexed and thinking rather rapidly, "what do you expect me to do with that?" I sad. "take a seat with all those others and when we are ready for you, we will press a button and you will be buzzed" came the second reply. Without even thinking, as all had been done at the very sight of it; "Pffffft - you have got to be kidding? You have my name - David Kynaston I spoke up loudly - when you are ready for me, call my name, I will not answer to being buzzed with some kind of flashing number ..." Mind you, I was now pacing up and down the entire desk. Granted the run of bad luck up to this stage has run deep - but you've got to be kidding me, that it has come done to handing out electronic tags to keep on our persons - to wait for a buzz with your flashing number. I was already dehumanized as a pathetic renter and now this.

"This is Bullshit! - I want to cancel my prescription, I'll just take the wheelchair thanks - can you please cancel my prescription - I am not down with this!" I cried out whilst making fleeting eye contact with whom ever behind the counter and the ground. A couple just gave the usual "Hmmm another retard stare" I instantly reacted with equal gravitational effect as happens with hostile stares (despite always starting off so polite and equally simple - SIGH) - the original person serving me and the young man who seemed rather in tune with my bad memory and anxiety - quickly stepped in to calm and reassure me. He seemed very sympathetic to what I guess any other may term a developing and or unfolding panic attack. The prescription lady said they could make an exemption for me - so there I rocked patiently one way with my head swinging another. Thinking to myself - "just give me these fucking meds so I can get back and help my wife! ...
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I think on that for some now, and go let my dog out for a leak. Thanks for letting me share. So weird how I can talk like so to you guys, but yet so disabled when out and about. Peace Out.
Dave.

[Dahila]

I hate it with all my heart is is a reason I stopped buying meds in Shoppers Drug Mart. It is the biggest drug stores in Canada. I was terrified of that f*****g buzzer. Now I go to costco, maybe you have it in Australia? They tell me that it will be done in half an hour. No buzzing devices or any other bull***t .
We want to have contact with people not the electronic device....

[Ponder]

Arrrrr - same in Canada too hey. Must of started in the US - seems all this kind of shit makes its way over from there. They are now readily asking if we are privately insured these days as well. I think to myself, "yea right - two disability pensioners privately insured - where the fuck did this guy get his degree from?"

Please excuse me Dahila, been up since 2am my time here and. Had to take my dear wife back to hospital. Not sure I will reach my goals today.

I could care less for the reasoning behind the buzzer - the more they dehumanize us, the more I want out of this existence. Pure and Simple. However for the sake of those few in here who feel as despairing as I ............ I shall attempt to find something positive in all this. Indeed acceptance will eventfully play it's part like pacification and handouts so clearly keep us defined. I really started to think how much simpler life was, when I was homeless - LOL - imagine that. That sense of peace I have been unable to express from such a position. The more people strive to spin the wheel and claim ownership of whatever the fuck it is that they cling to - that they must identify with - will eventually drive them to the pharma ices to be given like wise buyer's where they too, despite their great claims will also be reduce to such a digitized number waiting for the call.

agreed though - whilst I can find another place that does not use such animal methods - I will seek out another place.

The new therapist makes me feel like I have a reason to see her - that is after I explained about the police call out prior to commencing our move, then my poor wife braking her leg toppled with the property manger "taking advantage of my anxiety and treating me like shit - I did mention my eldest boy visiting, he is on drugs and rather hostile towards me -

It's OK Frankie and Dahila - I know there is not much you guys can say to me, with so much going wrong - but anything you do is sure to be welcomed compared to the misunderstanding of others and outright stigma shown towards my inability to answer simple questions, remember names, dates of births - remember how to get around town - even to find my way back out of the hospital. I'm starting to just pull out my pension card now and showing the arragont ones explaining to them I have congnative/fluster issues and they need to slow down when they talk to me as well as give me time to respond and not look at me like I am some kind of retard. People are just fo fucked up with the way they treat each other now.

I really must of been super naive growing up in the country ... taking so much time to listen, abide and show respect to those older and sick folk. Now only in my mid 40's in this new high tech age, I feel so old and disrespected as well as see it happening to others in front of my, it makes my both mentally and physically sick with a host of inconsolable emotions - or such that takes much time in order to control .

Sun it getting higher and heat kicking in, going to sort out the fencing material I was able to a quite.

Despite all the shit - I am all for taking in whatever sun I can - I can smell the salt and know the ocean is waiting for me when this shit is all done. II will win over the rashes - chaffing - in-grown hair and infected lumps - fuck the world and all it's pacification - my skin is starting to brown up more than burn - I will get this Dahila and although still some time off, I will start sharing some awe inspiring photos soon. I will also get into some strength building poetry as well. :)

FTW - I'll make my own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dahila]

Dave I read your posts usually twice. Eh, the world is the same everywhere, people do not respect others.
Years ago when i was learning language (still learning) I was working for 7 years in nursing home. A lot of my language skill were acquired through the contact with the old people. After work I went to visit few of them. The stories i heard, eh man, People there are treated like retards, and no one remembers that they are creatures with career, life, love, broken hearts and excetera. I showed them respect, and I was receiving that back. The only time in the last 22 years when I felt I am fully grounded. I hope it does not come as BS.
World is running like crazy, nobody wants to stop for a sec and give the other one attention.
I have a hearing loss and when I can not follow, I tell the people about it, please do not yell to me, but talk go slower and let me see your face-lips. It usually stop them dead;)))

[Dahila]

Dave I read your posts usually twice. Eh, the world is the same everywhere, people do not respect others.
Years ago when i was learning language (still learning) I was working for 7 years in nursing home. A lot of my language skill were acquired through the contact with the old people. After work I went to visit few of them. The stories i heard, eh man, People there are treated like retards, and no one remembers that they are creatures with career, life, love, broken hearts and excetera. I showed them respect, and I was receiving that back. The only time in the last 22 years when I felt I am fully grounded. I hope it does not come as BS.
World is running like crazy, nobody wants to stop for a sec and give the other one attention.
I have a hearing loss and when I can not follow, I tell the people about it, please do not yell to me, talk go slower and let me see your face-lips. It usually stop them dead;)))

[Ponder]

Not at all Frankie. I thank you for being honest with me. Currently I can not stand any up beat tempos filled with spirited joy and well wishing during this time. I don't't mean to be ungrateful, however such sentiments seem to make me shudder like a loud noise that startles. Dahila - Thank You very much for sharing that with me. Thank you both for your heart felt concerns. There are some things we can not learn until we have outgrown ourselves. Given it can take quite some time, and then the diversity of perspectives, I feel my position and attraction to suffering is rather undesirable for others to read.

This is my main reason I ussually stick in the Depression section within most of these forums. Jesse kind of asked about this in another post, before I had to cut loose on my posts for a bit. Essentially, I am out of sync with much of societies "coaching" & what it considers as normality. The labels, GAD, Social Phobia, Borderline Paranoia, long term depression. and or whatever else people wish to used to describe may sound like some kind of definition of who I be, but whilst I could easily fit into any part of the forum with a diagnoses to match - I'm too old in my suffering to sync in with what I see as Atypical Main Stream responses that appear more contentious to my mind than any kind of genuine opening to allow for the space in which I need to express myself.
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How am I doing - Thanks for asking -

I have managed to unpack enough boxes and move some furniture about to resemble something of a home environment. This seams to of helped a lot.
I dropped off my youngest daughter at the bus stop and saw her off this morning.
My Youngest Son (17) has chosen to say on and give the new school a go for his final senior year. I hope he is able to soon find a place of his own - although as always, the door will be left open as it has been for all of them - bar my eldest who in no blood relation to my wife and whom has despised him for years. Unfortunately, this is the one, that I have finally let go. His presence during this turbulent time has created many deep rifts amount the 4 children as well as my wife and I - that is until I decided to give him some home truths about his drug taking ways, intimidation and manipulation with a final tearing of the cloth. (Good old Jewish Style!)

He goes home tomorrow.

So all that will be left, Is My wife, her newly broken leg, my younger Son (now only Son) - and I picking up what pieces we can as each day makes its way. Our eldest daughter who lives in this town, remains upset given our arrival during the planning and event of her engagement party to which we were unable to attend due to my wife's hospitalization, as well as deciding to help me struggling unload the truck, but not without all the moaning about how disrupted my eldest sons drinking had become as well as her fiance's other plans.

OK - that's enough residual pain - I had to tell them all to snap out of it, I don't' want help that comes with such selfish antics. Mum's in the hospital, I'll unload myself, go check on her when finished and go the fucking rest myself. That's about as respectful as I could get Dahila. They went back to their shed, smoked their drugs and got drunk. Eldest daughter planed and had her party; bitching and moaning about how ungrateful we were for their help. SIGH Youngest daughter (saw off at bus top) - the emo history with self harming was rather sympathetic to my wife and I - not so spoiled that one.
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OK - so that's some of the history that has led me to a stuttering, spluttering whilst out hiring all the mobility aids and getting what ever else we need.
Finally got phone on (Home phone only - bare plan for basics)
Internet On - with issues which will resolve later
TELLY/TV OFF - Making that a regular thing now! Adverts and basic static from such things really trigger me massively now
Have had to keep tunnel vision when going in and our of shops in order to get things done.
Lost one of my credit cards, but check balance and history and satisfied that is at home somewhere. Is about maxed out so will just work on making the payments.
Have just enough finances left for basic and hopefully petrol/Gas for car.
Have been eating enough and taking antibiotics for infections and other herbs to help me sleep (Valerian - was pleasantly surprised at how well it worked for me)
Antihistamines seem to be helping with the itching
Dog fence finished for now and seems to be holding the neighbours dogs back, although they are out of their yard and still in mine. (just happy to keep mine separated from them for now and needing to calm down before making eye contact with them)

Today I want to do nothing and just heal some.

I managed to purchase some good dictionary's for my Kindle Paper White to help me with some more mindful writing and poems when I make a better corner in the house and can think straighter.

My wife is now showing me more thankfulness for how much I have been trying under all these circumstances and is also upset at how the kids have been treating me and agrees with a lot of what I have been saying about the disrespect and now rifts caused. We are still going to down grade! Going to get rid of a solid and extremely heavy dinning table and set - now just living on one cutlery and plate set. Getting rid of heaps of POT and PANS - still so much shit after getting rid of so much.

After all that has happened, I am keener than every to reduce my life down to a duffle bag with a few garden tools to keep my mind light. It's my goal - perhaps not all in one back pack, but I'm sure I've made my point.

PS - might have to see a doctor about how easily I am forgetting things if again, I am unable to drive at correct speeds, change lanes and all that jazz. I've tried explaining to my wife, I am sure it's more a case of almost unbearable loads of stress for prolonged periods, however - now the topic of early early dementia is being raised by my wife. I am not sure what to make of that. Yet another label, but perhaps - and to be true - my mind is letting go of some pretty basic or otherwise taken for granted abilities. To many roads, paths, routes, distances, words, signs, appointments, and or things that have to be logged in where there is simply no more space.

Thanks for listening to me; yet again.
Dave.

[Dahila]

Nope, it is not dementia, I am terrified by the things we own...
It is so much of that, I gave a lot to charity , a lot to garbage collection but I still have too much. Need to start to make my life easier.
Dave, we must made some mistakes raising children. I think a lot of what I am getting back is my fault.
tv I do not watch it for over 5 years. My source of information is internet. I can not stomach the adds on it. When I try to watch something, I get upset so fast, it seems that i need a lot of things to be happy, to fit.....So wrong,on every corner someone is trying to get you into something or get something off you.
I wish I could have easy, simple life, but the circumstances do not let us, me....
The health problems my family is dealing with, is just awful....
We are under so much stress for the last 6 years, and who knows what is waiting for us in near future.
Right now my goal is to live everyday as the last day... I lost a few friends in the last 4 months, who knows when I go.....let's enjoy it. I am doing my little projects and they give me happiness, however short lived:))
I will always listen to you, always... Take care and relax, you can not change it, accept it and move on. Find the peace you need in the beauty of world and the beauty of words, you are good at this:)

[Ponder]

But of course you are again right Dahila. Always a good steer with you. :)

I mean not to sound like a hypercondriac regarding dementia. My grandma ended up living with that. Something is going on with my dwindling ability when under pressure.

Good news - I seem to of received an email from the principle of real estate and whilst it may not bare well for me in the time to come, it's good to know I have been heard.

I saw yet another homeless man this morning when dropping of my daughter - I go right a poem about that. I don't't mind drawing from suffering in order to paint with. I can only work with what I know. :) All the same, thanks for giving me a little push. :)