EonBlue
01-13-2014, 08:08 AM
Sorry this is kind of a rant/ actually parts are genuine and thought out. Is true, the harder we try to control our minds, the more out of control they will be and, the more they will do what they want. I can't help but lying in bed feeling like a complete failure in life, all because of my stupid mind ...and how I feel it's ruined it for me. I've been very bright, very intelligent. I had all the pieces of the puzzle that anyone could ask for, and more to be more than succesful. I trust that many here on this forum share my experience. ....and it's a terrible one. But I've just screwed it all up time and time again, not for lack of trying though. I don't know if things would have been different if my parents had raised me differently, if I had a father that wasnt so hard on me and my brother and perfectionist himself. I don't know if it would b different if I just tried the one thing that was counter intuitive to me- letting go. We were never taught, and definitely never ENCOURAGED to let to. Ever. I remember times in my life as younger where I wanted to, because I sensed it was the right thing to do, but I was yelled at and scolded by others for my 'laziness' and made to feel by others around me that control was the ultimate virtue and that all things were achieved by basically control. If I let go I was yelled at, sometimes even physically threatened. How could I learn to let go? It's quite easy to see that it was not possible to me. My parents worried too much and they forced their worry onto me. They told me it was good for me to worry, and that it helped me to stay on top of things. What a lie!! The greatest lie ever. I'm so angry at them still even now, I'm 27, at how stupid they were and destructive that their attitude has been...how letting to is an essential skill even and Especially if you want to achieve success! Why didn't they teach me this? Why when they saw I was struggling from the pressure, apply more pressure to me? .... Why didn't they teach me what I really needed. I'm older now but I still have problems. I feel that they are so entrenched now, ...I'm just dejected. I feel , beaten, done. Exhausted utterly. Lost and still, like I haven't gotten a handle on this mind issue that has been going on for so long .
In a sense I feel sort of crippled now in a way. Like I have problems just being easy going and at accepting of my mind. Habit is so entrenched. ..I'm trying but, I struggle with it even to this day. I wonder if it will ever get easier? Will I ever be adjusted? The ironic thing is that those of us that end up here, we try harder than 99% of all people! yet that (appears) to be the whole problem. ...others that don't care or don't try or aren't as tensed or hard on themselves, they achieve many things and are so successful. It just rubs it in your face. I wake up exhausted. I can't even sleep anymore, I'm so upset inside. I feel like my life's been a failure and I want to know there's a reason for this. All I've ever tried was my best at everything, but I know I've had problems with my Mind, my entire life. It's the one thing I can't be bigger than. ...14 years of trying. .. On top of this now we have to deal with these mental 'disorders' that we may have. .. Or supposedly are told that may be going on. It's all dis empowering. It makes me feel like I have even less control. I know I've tried and, I still try. But I can't help but wonder if all of these misery problems could have been avoided simply if I had an easier approach with my mind, I struggle so much. It's all for nothing. ...there is no reason to do it. But I still do it anyway. I am afraid and anxious.
In a sense I feel sort of crippled now in a way. Like I have problems just being easy going and at accepting of my mind. Habit is so entrenched. ..I'm trying but, I struggle with it even to this day. I wonder if it will ever get easier? Will I ever be adjusted? The ironic thing is that those of us that end up here, we try harder than 99% of all people! yet that (appears) to be the whole problem. ...others that don't care or don't try or aren't as tensed or hard on themselves, they achieve many things and are so successful. It just rubs it in your face. I wake up exhausted. I can't even sleep anymore, I'm so upset inside. I feel like my life's been a failure and I want to know there's a reason for this. All I've ever tried was my best at everything, but I know I've had problems with my Mind, my entire life. It's the one thing I can't be bigger than. ...14 years of trying. .. On top of this now we have to deal with these mental 'disorders' that we may have. .. Or supposedly are told that may be going on. It's all dis empowering. It makes me feel like I have even less control. I know I've tried and, I still try. But I can't help but wonder if all of these misery problems could have been avoided simply if I had an easier approach with my mind, I struggle so much. It's all for nothing. ...there is no reason to do it. But I still do it anyway. I am afraid and anxious.