OK, so here's me reaching out for help...difficult

[masonmoore0824]

I have never participated in a forum like this, but I'm really worried about myself so I thought I would give this a try.

I'm 36 years old and have had anxiety and depression my whole life. It gets better or worse depending on life situations and/or medication. The anxiety has become so severe at times that even now, just looking at the number of threads in this forum is overwhelming to me. The anxiety and panic have been getting worse over the past few years, especially dealing with work. I'm a nurse and gradually over the past year it has gotten very severe. It got so bad that I would be worked up into a panic at the beginning of the day. Fast forward a few months and I got hurt at work. This threw me into a major depressive episode with continued general anxiety but less panic. I ended up losing my job which certainly didn't help with the depression. Throughout this time I was trying different medications for both depression and anxiety. I applied for many jobs and finally thought I had one when at the last minute they rescinded their offer. This caused a major setback. I was not sure what to do so I thought I would start school, which I had applied for as a "just in case nothing else comes up" scenerio. I've started reading for my classes and get overwhelmed immediately, so much that I have started having the panic attacks again, very similar to when I was working. I have increased my ativan for this, which does help but I just feel depressed overall thinking about having to deal with panic attacks throughout the whole time I'm in school. This school is to continue my education in nursing, which I'm not even sure is what I want, but again, I'm not sure what to do since I'm unemployed and been unable to find another job.

I guess I'm trying to figure out if school is really what's best for me since it's causing so much panic or if it was too soon after having a major depressive episode and I'm setting myself up for a relapse. This depression was so bad I almost ended up in an inpatient psyc unit. I really wanted the job I applied for and was so disappointed when they changed their minds about hiring me. I was 2 days away from starting when they called and said they were reconsidering!

I really just want to be able to live life and feel pretty good most days. I'm not even asking to feel fantastic, just basically ok without any big panic episodes. Is that too much to ask? I'm starting to think I will never feel like this, even as I am trying different medications and using all the coping skills I have learned through many years of counseling.

I'm sorry it's such a long post, but I hope someone who has experience with anxiety, panic and/or depression can give me some words of wisdom. Often times, people who don't have any of these just say things like, "We all have bad days, you just have to suck it up and move on," which isn't helpful in the least.

Thanks for any help anyone has to offer.

[gemma1788]

Oh Hun, I feel for you. I'm also a nurse and I know what the job is like and how stressful it can be. I don't have any experience with depression but anxiety and panic are a bitch. Anxiety has the ability to ruin everything and masquerade as every severe illness under the sun. I'm sure things will get better. I find it I just "push through it" once, and deal with the consequences, sometimes the next time is easier. Maybe just try and read the first chapter. Then next time read two. If it makes you totally crazy, You can put it down and watch tv if it overwhelms you. That's basically how I got trough my degree haha. Good luck, I'm sure you will be just fine!

[masonmoore0824]

Thanks for the reply! So you think it's better to push through the anxiety and panic rather than stop what is making me feel this way i.e. school? I've been thinking about withdrawing because the anxiety feels so bad sometimes! Being a nurse in general is stressful, but it has gotten worse in the past year or so. I'm trying to decide if it's healthy to push through this anxiety or if I could actually be causing myself more problems because of the high anxiety and panic. What do you think?

[MiST]

Have you spoken to a GP about your concerns?

[em1]

Hello ladys :) I to like Gemma only suffer with panic attacks anxitey and thoughts,it's hard to get back to work when you have this and on top of it you have had a blow with the job,or may feel like you will never get better but belive me you will,just take it day but by and you will get there,don't punish yourself if you have a bad day,we all have them,I'm just picking myself back il again after having my first ever relapse and so I know how hard it is to get back up again,but I do and if it happens again I will pick myself up again
You are strong you can do this,you have fight, spirit and so much courage you will get through this and you will win x

[masonmoore0824]

I haven't asked any of my physicians about school, although I did ask my counselor awhile ago. That was before the whole job hiring and not hiring situation. I have not been back to see her because of finances since I have been unemployed for awhile now. I do have an appointment with my doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm going to try and see him sooner and ask him then. This will be after school has started, and I've been trying to decide if I should go ahead and try taking classes even with the anxiety. I already enrolled, bought the books, panicked and dropped the classes once. Then I decided I would try again and enrolled and bought all the books AGAIN. Now I'm thinking about dropping again because of the panic. I am pretty sure I need my medication increased or changed but since school starts before I can get an appointment, I'm hoping to get some advice from people who also have anxiety, panic and/or depression.

[masonmoore0824]

Thank you for the words of encouragement...I really appreciate it!

[Enduronman]

Welcome Mason,

What medications have you tried and which ones are you now taking friend???

[masonmoore0824]

Hi Enduronman,

I'm currently on prozac 20 mg, abilify 7.5 mg and remeron 30 mg for depression and ativan 0.5 mg as needed for anxiety. These are fairly new for me...about a month. I started out on 15 mg of remeron and 5 mg of abilify, so my doc has already increased those. Prior to these I've tried many antidepressants including lexapro, pristiq, zoloft, desipramine, amitriptyline, paxil and effexor for depression; I was on buspar for anxiety for a short time which did seem to help but I wasn't in school so my stress was a lot lower. I've also tried xanax for anxiety which helped at first and then I started getting rebound anxiety and terrible anger. I've also tried a variety of anti-psychotics for anxiety and anger including navane, haldol and risperdal. I was on a combination of prozac, buspar and zyprexa for awhile which helped at first and then didn't. During the same period of time I tried tegretol as a mood stabilizer which gave me terrible headaches. I've been trying for many months, ok years, to get on an acceptable combination.

I'm starting to think I just "jumped the gun" a little starting school so soon after a major depressive episode. Especially since I don't have my medication completely right yet...

[Enduronman]

Those sound perfect bruh! I like your Doc already,,..and that is rare to see that they've prescribed all the right stuff from the beginning....:)

[Enduronman]

IMHO:

Although I do realllllyyyyy like all of the medications of that list that you're presently taking, for some reason, something in my very own messed up brain is telling me to type this...
I'm not 100% sure about the Remeron+Prozac = Combo pack...and no I'm not a Dr. I just am highly intuitive.
Considering this has been an issue for 36 yrs, (46 here) then IMO I would pick, and stick, with one or the other for 1 month...
I know that they're both really good medications, just not sure about together..
I too take abilify 10 each day, 5 in the am, 5 in the pm...I love that stuff!
And also Xanax XR too.. plus a beta-blocker to stop the panic attacks (lessens them greatly)..

I agree, maybe just a tad bit early for school after that episode but you are putting forth great effort to succeed...which is another reason I'd say to pick one or the other because you've still maintained an ambition and desire to be productive...

Severely depressed people (in general majority) don't have, show, or exhibit any of those "go get em" behaviors...usually. Just another way to put it, to merely adivise the Doc to think about one or the other after an examination and also a presentation of how you really feel after this month..

E-Man....:)

[masonmoore0824]

Ok, so I went ahead and had a total meltdown in my head last night and withdrew from my classes, then woke up in a panic this morning. I'm thinking, "OMG what did I do?" etc, etc, totally beating myself up for being so weak and stupid. I got up and tried to re-register with no luck. I emailed my academic advisor and am now waiting to see what he says. If it's a no go, I'm going into a major depressive episode, I can feel it. If it turns out ok, I will do my best not to f*** it up. I'm fighting a full blown panic attack right now, and feel like I'm in another world...surreal. If anyone has any words of wisdom, encouragement or advice, please share. I always seem to do this....get something going, have a panic attack or 2 or 10 until I finally have a meltdown, freak out, do something impulsive, then have to pick up the pieces from whatever I did. I'm 36 years old and getting more than a little tired of this pattern. I've been on many medications and tried lots of counseling and here I still am...

[masonmoore0824]

Went ahead and took an ativan...at 6 am...earliest I've ever had to take it. Do I even want to be in school? IDK, that's why I withdrew but now I'm totally panicking thinking about NOT being in school. IDK what to do or think anymore. I really would just like to find a relatively low stress job and focus on myself and getting well. I haven't been well for awhile....ok, maybe really never...why did I pick school then, you ask? Because I wasn't sure what else to do. I've applied for many jobs and almost had one, but then they changed their minds about hiring me for some reason.

One thing that worries me a lot about this schooling is that it's very fast-paced. I mean VERY fast-paced as in 300+ pages to read and LEARN and a test every other week...and that's just one class! I have a real problem with anything fast-paced...I'm more like the turtle, "slow and steady wins the race" you know. Anyway, it's way too early to hear anything from my academic advisor so I'm stuck just sitting and stressing about it all.

[masonmoore0824]

Thank you for that...I appreciate this A LOT!