A joking matter?

[GeneAllen]

I went to get gas today. The pickup always spurts the gas back so it got on my shirt sleeve. Without thinking much about the gas I got in my truck lit a smoke (yea I know bad habit). Sure enough the sleeve went up in flames I jumped outta the truck waving my arm frantically trying to get it out, the town police chief just happened to pull in and threw a banket over my arm no burns thank goodness! I thanked him and went to get back in the truck and he stopped me and said sorry Gene, gotta write you a ticket. WTF?? Why I asked! He said it's illegal to wave a firearm in public. :D Peace If y'all like jokes this is the place.

[AmberGbenga]

Hahahahahaha!!!

[Th13thOne]

:D looooool

[GeneAllen]

Glad y'all liked. If it makes ya laugh it makes ya better. Peace

[GeneAllen]

Starting to think I'm I may be a Agnostic-Dyslexic-Insomniac. I lay awake all night long and wonder if there really is a dog. :D
Peace

Add to the list, come on I know y'all got some jokes. E Man?

[NeverToo...Fear]

Funny.. do you make these jokes up?

and btw, Gene, I like how you say peace in all of your posts.. Just wanted to say that.. :)

I heard this joke on TV the other day:

Why did the blonde stare at the Orange Juice Carton?

...........Because it said, "Concentrate"

I know, classic blonde jokes. There's a bunch of them. :P

[GeneAllen]

LOL They are jokes my mom has told me over the years, or my cousin. I like the concentrate. :D

Never too fear keep em coming.... Peace

[GeneAllen]

I was working on the railroad in Moline Illinois back in the eighties (The Rock Island Lines). We had hired a bunch of people for the crew. One fine man was a Chinese man who was very ambitious and eager. We placed him in charge of supplies, he had more energy than most people. He was not sure of his job description and would often just sweep up the shop, wind up hoses to the torches etc. One day nobody had seen him, we walked the train looking for him for about an hour, hoping he was okay. We got to the last rail car and out he jumped out and shouted as loud as he could SUPPLIES!!!! He was a good ol'e fella, and full of cheer. :D Peace

[GeneAllen]

The Dali Lama walked into pizza hut and said, "make me ONE with Everything". Now that's funny stuff. Right?

[jessed03]

The Dali Lama walked into pizza hut and said, "make me ONE with Everything". Now that's funny stuff. Right?

I love that one Gene :D

Remember that video of the Australian TV reporter failing to tell the joke properly to HH.

We had a thread while ago talking of all of our funniest anxiety stories. I may have to try and dig that out.

[GeneAllen]

Yes try to find it jesse. Glad you enjoyed it bro.
Peace

[GeneAllen]

Well I probably told this story of my son. When he was born with no eyelids they had to transplant his foreskin to make the eyelids. He's all good and fine today just a little bit cockeyed.

:D Peace friends

PS not sure this is okay here if not I will delete it on request.

[SSMommy]

Pahahahah!!!! That one was my favorite but I tend to find inappropriate funny!

[Th13thOne]

lmao!!! :D

[melismith]

Hahaha!!:)

[jessed03]

PS not sure this is okay here if not I will delete it on request.

The general consensus seems to be that it's ok here ;)

[GeneAllen]

Cool. If it makes ya laugh it's gotta do some good. Peace friends

[Lord Jazzinho]

laughter is the best medicine

[GeneAllen]

This blonde went to the doc she touched her own hand and said this hurts doc. She then poked at her ankle and said this also hurts bad. She went through a list of things, her stomach, yep that hurts when I touch it. The Doctor finally said dear, don't do that anymore your finger is broken. Peace;)

[Dahila]

heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[GeneAllen]

Daddy was sitting in his library studying and in walked his sweet little 3 tear old daughter, and she said daddy? He said yes Rose, She asked "how did you choose my name"? He said when you were born a rose petal floated through the air and landed on your soft baby skin, so we named you Rose. She smiled and walked off happily.

As he went back to his studies, his next daughter Petunia of 4 years walked into the library and said daddy? Yes he answered, She then asked how did you think of my name? He replied when you were born a petunia flower petal drifted onto you as you lay in your mothers arms soft and snuggly. She was satisfied and giggled and left the room.
Next in was this fathers son, he is six, he mumbled around the room a little holding his head downward and mumbling yet more, The dad finally asked, Blockhead is there something you wanted to ask? ;) Peace

[GeneAllen]

Can I get anyone to tell a joke besides me? LOL
Peace

[GeneAllen]

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!" Peace

[GeneAllen]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands. Yep Peace again...;)

[GeneAllen]

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Peace

[GeneAllen]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend. LOL Peace on.

[GeneAllen]

The Sermon

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look
on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who waslistening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[GeneAllen]

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[GeneAllen]

The HotLine





Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

[Blessed]

Well I probably told this story of my son. When he was born with no eyelids they had to transplant his foreskin to make the eyelids. He's all good and fine today just a little bit cockeyed. :D Peace friends PS not sure this is okay here if not I will delete it on request.lol it took a minute but I got it !!!!

[Blessed]

I got one hehehehe......Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?????

[GeneAllen]

LOL... Okay I'll bite ;) Peace

[Blessed]

I got one hehehehe......Why doesn't Tigger have any friends????? because he plays with Pooh :)))

[GeneAllen]

Arghhhhh. LOL Now that was good! Thank you, and lets have another......:D Peace

[Blessed]

I got nothing..... My 9 year old niece told me that one . Lol

[GeneAllen]

Well thank you for playing. Now we need more.. Peace :D

[Blessed]

Confucius say: man who stands on toilet .... High on pot hehehehehe :)

[GeneAllen]

LOL Okay another one. You're working it! Peace

[GeneAllen]

REDNECK SAYING OF THE DAY!!!

He was as nervous as a cat shittin razor blades.

Peace

[Chatative]

An Irishman walks in to find his son snorting cocaine.

He says, "If I catch you doing that again, I'll rub your f*cking nose in it!"

[GeneAllen]

LMAO!!!! What punishment! Thanks Chatative, Awesome my friend. Peace Bro

[GeneAllen]

LOL Thanks for sharing that!! Peace

[NeverToo...Fear]

I came across this little thing I read yesterday:

A little girl says, "Mum, I want a pony for Christmas."
The Mum replies, "No, we're having turkey like we do every year."

........... :)

[jjh333]

I've been laughing at all of these :)

[Enduronman]

mine will probably wreck this whole post..lol

Lady goes into a rug store...
She finds one she likes, and bends over to feel it.
She farted..
A sales associate heard her and came to her aid.
She asks "So how much is this one?"
The sales associates reply... "Well, if you farted when you touched it, you're gonna s**t when I tell you how much it cost."

YAY! :)

[Chatative]

Not a written joke, but funny all the same...

http://d22zlbw5ff7yk5.cloudfront.net/images/stash-1-50cbe00a45a95.gif

[Enduronman]

I hope my dog doesn't bite...LOL!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXn2QVipK2o

[GeneAllen]

LOL Now those were all good. That is nut my dug LMAO
Peace

[Enduronman]

ggrggrorrororroro LMAO!!! :)

[jessed03]

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

[GeneAllen]

Oh no you didn't Jesse!! LMAO Yes you did! LOL Great one dude. Thank you

Oh and Peace;)

[ab123]

Lets hope for no offense here...since I'm a blonde and I can take it.


How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch-and- sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Or...
Give her a weather jacket with spikes on the shoulders and ask her a question..

Haha..so dumb...but they make me laugh..

And how do you make that tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. :)

[ab123]

How about a leather jacket and not a weather one. Stupid phone autocorrect.

[SSMommy]

And how do you make that tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. :) I love it!!! My daughter has has a terrible cold so this is hilarious to her... And me :)

[NeverToo...Fear]

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a scratch-and- sniff at the bottom of the pool.


Blonde jokes ! I always said it like, "How you drown a blonde? Glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool".. haha, but scratch-and-sniff works too !


Another blonde joke.. There's so many:

What do you call a blonde with a brain?


........... A golden retriever

:)

[ab123]

Hehe they make me laugh.

Why did the cookie go to the Dr.?

He was feeling crummy. :)

[GeneAllen]

LOL. Very good. I could imagine the head tilt and spike... ouch!

Thanks folks Peace:D

[ab123]

Well in that case,

What does the nosy pepper do?


Gets jalepeno business. :)

[Chatative]

Another blonde joke.. There's so many

What do you call a Blonde with 2 brain cells?


......


Pregnant. :D

[GeneAllen]

How about a leather jacket and not a weather one. Stupid phone autocorrect.

I'm gonna get that Wabbit, silly Wabbit. LOL Peace

[GeneAllen]

What do you call a Blonde with 2 brain cells?


......


Pregnant. :D

LOL.. Now that's a lot of cells....Peace

[GeneAllen]

Okay so this doctor who by the way is deaf has specialized and become a gynecologist. One patient asked the receptionist "How in the world does this doctor communicate with his patients?".

The receptionist replied , " He's very good, He reads lips.". :D

Peace

[ab123]

Lmao......

[petrified]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all having a pint in a bar somewhere in South America. They spotted a pot full of money in the corner and asked why it was there. The barman said "Well that is for the taking for anyone who can 1) drink a full bottle of tequila in a minute 2) go over to that box over there and remove a thorn from the lions foot who's inside the box 3) finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman".
What happens if we fail they inquired. "If ye survive and fail you will be sold as sex-slaves to the local tribe."
Despite the risks they decide to give it a go.
The Englishman goes first after drinking half the bottle of tequila collapses a drinking mess. He is dragged away to be sold.
Next the Scotsman goes he downs the tequila and staggers toward the lions cage and the door is closed behind him. There is screams and cries and the Scotsman unable to defend himself is eaten alive by the lion.
Lastly the Irishman goes he downs the tequila, enters the lions cage where there is squeals and blood curdling screams eventually he staggers out covered in blood. "Now" he says "where is that old lady with the thorn in her foot?"

Love this thread gene :-)

[jessed03]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were all having a pint in a bar somewhere in South America. They spotted a pot full of money in the corner and asked why it was there. The barman said "Well that is for the taking for anyone who can 1) drink a full bottle of tequila in a minute 2) go over to that box over there and remove a thorn from the lions foot who's inside the box 3) finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman".
What happens if we fail they inquired. "If ye survive and fail you will be sold as sex-slaves to the local tribe."
Despite the risks they decide to give it a go.
The Englishman goes first after drinking half the bottle of tequila collapses a drinking mess. He is dragged away to be sold.
Next the Scotsman goes he downs the tequila and staggers toward the lions cage and the door is closed behind him. There is screams and cries and the Scotsman unable to defend himself is eaten alive by the lion.
Lastly the Irishman goes he downs the tequila, enters the lions cage where there is squeals and blood curdling screams eventually he staggers out covered in blood. "Now" he says "where is that old lady with the thorn in her foot?"

Love this thread gene :-)

.........Haha!! :D