How empty my world feels at night.

[Anxious Abi]

2:26AM sat listening to the clock tick, feels like the loneliest I have ever been. I keep searching for something to read, to watch, something to stop the world feeling so empty. I just end up staring at the screen tracing infinity symbols with my mouse, it's about now I really wish I had someone else to talk to or could get on board with everyone else and sleep the night away.
Abigail

[MiST]

2:26AM sat listening to the clock tick, feels like the loneliest I have ever been. I keep searching for something to read, to watch, something to stop the world feeling so empty. I just end up staring at the screen tracing infinity symbols with my mouse, it's about now I really wish I had someone else to talk to or could get on board with everyone else and sleep the night away.
Abigail

I thought it was just me that did that with the mouse..

Don't worry, your not alone, i'm in the exact same boat right now.

:(

[Anxious Abi]

Hey MiST, thank you for replying, I don't feel so alone now. :)
Do you mind if I ask how your day was?

[MiST]

Hey MiST, thank you for replying, I don't feel so alone now. :)
Do you mind if I ask how your day was?

Not great Abi..:(

I have bad insomnia at the moment and haven't slept for a few days now so i'm a bit of a nervous wreck!

Work are riding me, everyone want's a favour and overall just highly stressfull.

But we have to remember that tomorrow is another day, or is that today is another day? I don't even know..:D

Chin up girl, your never alone.

How was your day?

[Anxious Abi]

I'm sorry to hear that, sounds very stressful.
My day was OK thanks, i'm having trouble sleeping lately too, it's not nice.
Hope that your tomorrow is better than today was.

[jessed03]

I actually had a fairly normal nights sleep last night for once! So I missed this post.

Unfortunately I have the touch screen ipad, so I don't get the whole infinity mouse thing :)

But I just wanted to say that I think of you whenever I see you online or see you post. I'm rooting for you too in your struggle! Intrusive thought-ers are all like one big family!

[Anxious Abi]

Thank you Jesse, glad you managed to have a fairly normal night last night, hope there will be more of the same for you in future.
All my best.

[Anxious Abi]

Can't sleep again, every time I close my eyes I get a series of images running through my mind, creepy things. The only comparison I can think to make is like, that scene in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where the boat is whirling around. I almost feel like i'm floating, I seem to lose all sense of normality. I can't seem to grasp on to anything to try and ground myself, all my perceptions feel off and no matter what I think about, it feels wrong.
I've forced myself out of bed, trying to focus on objects around the house, normal things, real things. I know even though this feels unsettling and it makes me anxious and afraid, it does not meaning anything. There is no meaning, just random things bouncing around my brain, it doesn't mean i'm losing it. It's just the anxiety that is making me feel so bad, and anxiety cannot hurt me. I'm safe and there is nothing to worry about, I just have to try and believe it.

[jessed03]

Uh the images are horrible aren't they. Freaky, scary, unfamiliar things just masquerading freely in the head. Like an hallucination inside the mind. Spinning you around inside of it.

For years I couldn't even turn the light off my mind was so scary and disoriented. I feel your pain Abz.

Does all this stuff stop you sleeping, or are you just a bit of an insomniac anyway?

[Anxious Abi]

Thank you :)
I suppose I am a bit of an insomniac, but sometimes I just can't bare to close my eye's.
Usually my meds help me to get a little sleep, not tonight unfortunately.

[Anxious Abi]

Found something to occupy the mind when i'm unable to sleep. Very insightful, i'm really enjoying looking through the posts, thought I would share.
http://zenhabits.net/archives/

[chris00]

Hi Abi. If you want someone to chat with I am always looking for new friends. I don't mind helping when your feeling anxious or can't sleep. PM me sometime.

[Anxious Abi]

Thank you chris00 :) that's really kind.

[Anxious Abi]

again, again, again... I feel so afraid, nothing makes any sense, none of it, I try and I try, to be a strong person, handle my life with strength. If I can make sense of it, if I think about it enough, I can think it better surely, but none of it is fitting together, it's all just swirling around.
The light keep playing tricks on me and I can feel the paranoia creeping in, all I can focus on is this need right in my center, this sense of urgency to get it under control, to find something, anything to bring me back to rational Abi. I feel so tense, my shoulders are burning, hoping writing this will help bring reality back into focus.

[NixonRulz]

again, again, again... I feel so afraid, nothing makes any sense, none of it, I try and I try, to be a strong person, handle my life with strength. If I can make sense of it, if I think about it enough, I can think it better surely, but none of it is fitting together, it's all just swirling around. The light keep playing tricks on me and I can feel the paranoia creeping in, all I can focus on is this need right in my center, this sense of urgency to get it under control, to find something, anything to bring me back to rational Abi. I feel so tense, my shoulders are burning, hoping writing this will help bring reality back into focus.

"Bring me back to rational Abi"

I like that

I like your writing style

Swirling around thoughts are what anxiety likes to do

Your focus of getting it under control is awesome

But to focus too intently can add stress to you, which heightens your anxiety

Have the goal to get this under control but don't put too much pressure on yourself

You will get this sorted out

Just make it something you work towards, not something that has to be solved right away

[Anxious Abi]

NixonRulz thank you... not too much pressure, OK, I think I can do that.
I will remember, it doesn't have to be solved right away.
I'm trying to focus on my breath, stretching out a little, i'm feeling more relaxed already.
:)

[NixonRulz]

[QUOTE="Anxious Abi;155210"]NixonRulz thank you... not too much pressure, OK, I think I can do that. I will remember, it doesn't have to be solved right away. I'm trying to focus on my breath, stretching out a little, i'm feeling more relaxed already. :)[/QUOTE

Abi, the answers are already inside you

You just have to find them

And you will.

[Anxious Abi]

I will.

A song. As tribute, to say thanks to people for being so lovely.
I Have Made Mistakes - The Oh Hello's (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czFgKa7YcIQ)

[NixonRulz]

I will. A song. As tribute, to say thanks to people for being so lovely. I Have Made Mistakes - The Oh Hello's (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czFgKa7YcIQ)

What great lyrics

Excellent choice. Never heard of them

Now I'm listening to others!

[serendipity34]

Same, Abigail. My depression is its worst at night. But I used to be agoraphobic and have come a long way, so I know that I can do the same in this regard. You will too.
You'll get through this. :) Message me if you ever want to talk about it. I know its tough. But it's like your quote "even after years of circling the same waters, it's possible to find a way to shore." (Did you get that from the show Touch? That was one of my favorites.) I recently took a plane ride for the first time in 10 years. That was my biggest fear, and I overcame it. It's all about tilting the picture frame. We can learn. :)

[Anxious Abi]

Hey serendipity34, I think maybe the nights are worse because there is not much to take your attention, it's just you and your thoughts. I also think the mistake I was making last night was thinking I could think myself better. I re-read some advice on here and realized that is not possible, and in my case it is just best to stop fighting against it, and just let it be. Maybe I should get "I don't feel so good right now, but I will be just fine, it will pass" tattoo'd on my arm.
We will get through it, even though sometimes it seems never ending. I like all the positivity, I forget to hold onto that from time to time.
& Yes!! Touch, I enjoyed watching that, and the line really stuck with me.
Congratulations on your recent achievement, amazing.
Learning, learning, every day, sometimes re-learning, it's all good.
Take care.

[Anxious Abi]

Thinking I might make an appointment with the Dr today, talk about disturbed/lack of sleep.
Tonight I woke up shaking, in a cold sweat, feeling like something awful had just happened, it took me a while to get my mind to realize there was nothing wrong and I was in fact, safe.
I've seen a few posts about things that can help people sleep, i'm systematically working my way through in hopes of getting a full nights sleep. For tonight I think it's close enough to sun up to stop trying.
Feeling quite alone and low in mood, here's hoping the day gets better as it goes along.
Really hope everybody is doing well.

[Anxious Abi]

Not doing so good tonight, had a tough day, all my strategies for dealing with anxiety seem to have disappeared on me. Picked myself to death without even realizing, twitchy, on edge. I feel completely unhinged. No idea what to do with myself or where to turn, not a hundred percent sure if the forum is the right place.

[Dorrie23]

Hey Mist. I'm in the boat with you. lol. Seriously, I hope you are ok. I'm here if you need an ear. Take care, Dorrie

[Dorrie23]

Right on Jesse. Dorrie.

[Dorrie23]

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as well, Mist. Dorrie Feel Better soon.

[Dorrie23]

Hey Abi, I'm well, not so new anymore, but I can just feel your pain hon. Let me share something with you. I've went through the same thing. You're not crazy. And you cant make yourself believe your crazy!!!! I have a son who, bless his heart, went through heck. His dream was to make Special Forces since 12. He joined the service and was doing awesome, and a "friend" (yeah) was driving kind of crazy. My son begged him to let him drive. He had had nothing to drink. Anyway, they wrecked, car flipped four times, and landed on my sons right leg. Almost had to amputate it. But saved it by putting a rod in from his hip to knee. I cant remember the series of events, but I know shortly after that, he found out he made Special Forces. When he came home, he was so mentally just gone. So I've seen my son go through some stuff too. I read at the beginning of this, you made a comment you didn't know if you needed to come on here or not. Well... HECK YES!! Do what you have to to make it day by day, sometimes moment by moment. That's what we're here for, is to be here for you. I wish I could give you a big hug. You need one. But I know, having experienced it, it will drive you crazy...seriously...If you allow it to. Sometimes we have more strength than we even realize we have. You don't have to continue to live like this. You may be thinking "and just how the heck am I going to do that woman". The same thing I told someone earlier. You dig as deep and hard as you can. And I'm talking pretty darn hard, and grab ahold of what hope, strength, etc.. you can find, and I don't care if you have to take baby steps for a while. Take them. That's what I did. I hated myself. My head played wild mind games with me and I lived in a pretty bad frame of mind for a while. Bad!!! I watched my sister die of cancer for a year when I was just a pre-teen. She was my bestie. Then my mom, then dad. I felt very alone. But I was determined I would make it somehow. I didn't do to well at first. Pretty bad actually. Got all drugged out, before kids, and I didn't want to kill myself, but I didn't want to live. I think, no I know I wanted to live, just not like that. Get on here everyday if you have to.Take tiny baby steps mentally, but take them. I'm here for you. So are a lot of others. We need to see you get better sweetie. You take care, and never ever give up. Take care, Dorrie

[Anxious Abi]

Hey Dorrie, thank you for taking the time to share. I am sorry about all the things you've had to endure, I can't imagine how tough it must have been.
I wasn't sure if the forum would help, as I've been finding it quite difficult to post sometimes, I think because I quickly become overcome with social anxieties and low self esteem, even on here, stupid things really, like, what if I say the wrong thing? Offend someone? Am I unlikeable? I end up convincing myself my opinion doesn't matter and that I have nothing of real value to say.
Your kinds words have given me hope and encouragement. I hope to keep making steps forward no matter how little they are, like you say. I hope to learn not to over think everything and get so down heartened by set backs. I wont give up.
Thank you so much Dorrie, you seem like a really warm caring person.
You take care of yourself too.
Best Wishes

[vaguekage]

Hi Abi, I'm having the same issue here. These days I can't sleep, just laying and hearing my parents' snore (I'm really envious of their snores!! :D). But I think you should at least laying down to rest even if you can't sleep. And try to make your mind blank (keep chanting: "No thinking! No feeling!") - to lessen depression. Good luck to you and let's keep on fighting!
(Just to share with you: my record was 2 weeks with little sleep (1-2 hours/day) and at that time, I looked like a zombie. From then on, I tried to stop being insomniac for too long)

[Anxious Abi]

I feel for you vaguekage it's so frustrating, lack of sleeps seems to only add to the madness, ruining our cognitive function.
My GP says to bring up lack of sleep with my Psych, so until then I'm working my way through all the teas the herbal shop recommended.
I'm hopeful.
Best wishes.

[SerenitynBliss]

Hey guys, I was feeling lost, worthless and alone just a while back and was looking for something natural to help I didn't want to take pills. Well I heard about L-Theanine which is the main ingredient in green tea was supposed to combat stress anxiety and depression naturally I had to give it a try. I did research on how it did this and this is probably the main reason why "While Theanine is widely touted as a mind relaxant, and for good reason, it also has some other very attractive properties. Theanine has been found to increase dopamine in humans. Dopamine is the naturally occurring chemical in the brain, which is released during pleasant activities such as eating, sex and for some…chocolate. Dopamine produces a sense of well being." So in a nutshell it relaxes you while making you feel good it's the perfect combo and believe me it works and fast. So then I went about finding the best most pure source of L-Theanine I could find and I found the Liftmode.com basically a 1 stop shop for anything to do with improving mood, mental well being, and they have the most pure products, by far best prices, and amazing customer service on top of it. So please guys do what I did and take back your life and try L-Theanine and many of the other natural alternatives to pills that the doctors hand out that usually just make you worse then you were.

[Anxious Abi]

Hmmm. So as long as I buy this L-Theanine from that store, I wont feel so isolated and depressed on a night time, is what your saying?

[vaguekage]

How are you doing, Abi?
I have tried herbal medicine for about 1 week but the effect is so light that it only makes me feel relaxed for 30 minutes, still can't sleep.
I guess I have to stick to Alprazolam again. Here in Vietnam, these kinds of medicine are so rare and expensive while the more dangerous ones like Amitriptyline are easier to buy. :D

[Dahila]

Abi no supplement will help with loneliness, only you can train the beast not to be so active....BTW you are not alone, maybe alone in your bed, apartment but not alone at all:))

[Anxious Abi]

How are you doing, Abi?
I have tried herbal medicine for about 1 week but the effect is so light that it only makes me feel relaxed for 30 minutes, still can't sleep.
I guess I have to stick to Alprazolam again. Here in Vietnam, these kinds of medicine are so rare and expensive while the more dangerous ones like Amitriptyline are easier to buy. :D
Hey! I'm actually feeling a little better today. I fell asleep at my computer in the early hours of this morning, managed to sleep a full 6 hours. Feel a little better for it.
I'm sorry your still having trouble, I really hope you find some peace soon.


Abi no supplement will help with loneliness, only you can train the beast not to be so active....BTW you are not alone, maybe alone in your bed, apartment but not alone at all:))
Thank you Dahila, I feel like I've been letting it all get on top of me lately, not thinking clearly.
I'm hoping i'll start feeling better now. It definitely helps not to feel so alone.
Hope you're doing well.

[vaguekage]

I'm glad that you're feeling better, Abi. Cheer! :cool:
And thank you for your support. Hope that you can always sleep easily from now on.

[Anxious Abi]

I feel more tired now than I did before I went to sleep, how is that possiblee?

Not a happy bunny.

[Anxious Abi]

Intrusive thoughts are creeping in on me tonight/this morning, maybe it's an after effect of all the stimulation yesterday. I'm trying my best not to react, focusing on my breathing, telling myself just to let them be there, come and go like a wave. I'm finding it really difficult and distracting myself doesn't seem to be working either. I can feel the panic it keeps starting to rise and I have to work harder to concentrate on my breath. Don't know what to do with myself...

[jessed03]

Abi, how often do you get intrusive thoughts?

[Anxious Abi]

It varies, sometimes everywhere I look there's something that triggers them, it's often worse at night.
I thought I was getting better at coping with them but I still have times when it's like a nightmare.
I suppose they're always there, it's just how much they take my focus and my ability to overcome them that changes.
I guess the simple answer would be, most days.

[Anxious Abi]

Feeling terrible today, the thoughts won't stop. All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep. I'm so tired. Wondering if it's safe to take an extra .5 mg of respiridone.
Hope people are having a better day.
Best wishes.

[Kabukicho]

I am right there with you. The nights are the worst. There is absolutely nothing to distract you from your worries, except for harmful things like alcohol or drugs. You are alone with your thoughts. It's easy to let things spiral out of control. Even if they're not horrible anxious thoughts, my mind just seems to be constantly humming away until 3 or 4 in the morning. It doesn't know how to shut up. And then I start worrying about being sleep-deprived and miserable the next day...

I don't know what to tell you. The holistic approaches are, in my opinion, completely useless. I've tried them all. Sleep hygiene, exercise, sleep restriction, diet, eliminating caffeine and nicotine and alcohol. The only thing that works for me right now is Xanax. And I'm starting to feel dependent on it and that is frightening.

[Anxious Abi]

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time Kabukicho, I think quite a few people are in the same boat, just trying anything to get a bit more sleep. A lot of the time I just give up trying and find something else to do, clean under the fridge, take pictures of my cats LOL. It's hard though, I take Risperidone which gives me some relief, I can usually get at least three hours sleep after taking that, I don't know what I would do without it. Knowing you're becoming dependent on something is frightening I agree.

[Kabukicho]

Haha, yeah, I've come up with a ton of goofy stuff to do at night. There's the usual--watching Netflix, doing crossword puzzles, taking MULTIPLE hot baths, studying, pacing the floor of my studio apartment. Ironing clothes. Mostly, though, I just lie in bed and stare at the wall and force myself to keep my eyes open as long as possible and force myself not to think about how miserable I'm going to be the next day.

I think insomnia affects some worse than others. For me, it wrecks me. I have dizziness, vertigo, panic attacks, and get tearful the next day. It's worse than being hungover.

I don't know what to do. If Xanax improves my quality of life this much, maybe I should just be addicted to it.

[anxietyawayproject]

you are not alone be sure of that but you need to remember yourself always that tomorrow will be a better day,have faith in you and be positive "for the moment watch 'the cat concerto' with tom&jerry,you need to laugh,to smile...or watch louis de funnes series,it's a lot of fun...keep in touch:)always smile on yourself,gives you courage...pray if you believe in God,all the time in your mind,always think possitive and keep fun,no matter if you will stay a few days just watching funny stuff,it's important to laugh,believe me,by the way do you have an occupation or hobby,something that you really like to do?do not get used with medications,it's not a solution,you need to train your mind and will,control your emotions,read books about this,inform yourself." my advice for everyone

[Anxious Abi]

It's creeping in again, that feeling of isolation.. I have family and friends I see on a regular basis, and I have definitely made progress in being open to a new friendship. It's just the times when there's nothing. I have taken my new nightly dose so the thoughts aren't getting to me, I feel pretty sedated. I feel alone, not alone in my struggle, I know I have comrades in that battle. Alone, because I am, but alone emotionally, sad and longing.
I've spoke of it before, and I guess it's natural for everyone to feel that need to connect. I want to experience more of that, even though it scares me.. I want to talk, to listen, to laugh. I want to say vagina, even if it asterisks that bit out I wanted to say it.

Abi