Help for partners of those with Agoraphobia?

[MrBlu]

Pats on the back - "you're doing really well" - "hang in there" - "light at the end of the tunnel" etc.
It's not that I don't appreciate the above, but none of them are getting my partner, and therefore our family life any better.

There don't seem to be any mental health support groups for partners in my area (North of Scotland). Perhaps I should approach my own doctor for help?

My partner has suffered from depression for many years (she had instances of it in her teens and again since we had our son 11 years ago) which has since developed through anxiety disorders and I've no doubt that she is now fully agoraphobic. At that time we got some help from GPs, which led on to help from various occupational therapists and psychologists, including CBT in our local city, and more recently a series of home visits (12-week block I think). These DID improve matters slightly - and only really short term while my wife was physically seeing them. I believe the therapists called it a day as my partner could demonstrate that she knew all the tools she needed to get out and about, but it seems the will-power just isn't there any more.

"you can't put a time limit on it", I heard mentioned once. I'm happy not to put a time limit on her getting better AS LONG AS IT DOESNT AFFECT OUR KIDS, and at eleven, my son is really starting to show signs of social discomfort and shying away from situations to the degree that it is affecting his confidence, his schoolwork, his health and his prospects for the future. It's one thing when I'm feeling my wife is being let down by the healthcare system, but another when its also my kids.

Of course I am supportive of my partner. I'm told I've even been "over" supportive and too compassionate, forgiving and understanding, but to date I've yet to see anything formal telling me what I should be doing, and I find that disgraceful.

My partner doesn't get out of the house without me, and when with me, we can get perhaps a mile from the house in the car before the panic sets in. We don't want the kids to see that, so we can only take her out when the kids are at school, and with me working full time 7am-6pm away from the house, that isn't as much as it should be - lucky if its once every couple of weeks so I'm not sure that really having much effect.

So yes, I'm the sole earner, and my partner has stopped claiming ANY kind of benefits as she doesn't feel her situation warrants it.

She sees no way out apart from "that" way out - and she asks me all the time why I still love her, and although I do, I'm really beginning to resent what this has done to our lives - particularly where she is the only one being offered support.

This situation, together with the strains of a well paid (but stressful) job is really taking its toll on me. I've certainly aged more than ten years in the last decade (if that makes any sense), I'm putting on weight and my health is starting to suffer, making me very tired and irritable pretty much all the time. I've started losing patience with the kids and those around me more and more often - no doubt exacerbating my son's lack of confidence. That is COMPLETELY unacceptable behaviour from me and I know I MUST not continue to do that.

I need help though - real world solutions which work to help my family get back to normality in time for my sons development to be put back on track before he hits those really influential rebellious years - which are fast approaching. I've really had it up to here with pats on the back.

I'd really appreciate some advice as to where to turn, where to start, what I can do myself? - rather than suggestions as to what my partner can do?

Kind regards
MrBlu

[Enduronman]

Mr.Blu...

There are agoraphobia sufferers on here, and many have succeeded in taking those first steps and walking out their own front doors in a matter of a few weeks.

Considering that you are not personally the one that suffers with this disorder, we could try to explain it to you until our fingers turned Blu, but it would be to no avail, a futile effort on our part, and your too.

She must agree to join us here, herself, and to type, and chat, with those that couldn't even look out the window 4 weeks ago friend...yes, less than 4 weeks ago.

It will take many words typed, presented, read, from real life members and people that had once been and still are inflicted with this disorder...

That's "the pat on the back" directed at your wife, directly from these people...just like her.

It IS however up to you, to get her, sitting right in front of this screen and to be open and honest too, no matter how tough, hard, rough, she thinks this will be.....

They can get her back, you just have to get her "here"....

Fair enough?


E-Man. (Chris) :)

[MrBlu]

Thanks for your reply, but she has already joined this and a few other sites two or three years ago, and although the support here and elsewhere has no doubt been comforting, she doesn't seem to have gained more from here than she did from the years of cbt and other therapies. Perhaps that's more down to her interpretation of what responses she received the time, rather than the responses themselves.
I think she got disheartened by Web forums when sticking with them for a few weeks didn't glean the results she was hoping for. Probably as much to do with her feelings of hopelessness and that nothing works for her. That she's some special case and although it works for many on this site, she feels she is beyond help, almost to the extent of being hopeless.
Her heart isn't in trying to get better any more I'm sure me telling her that our son needs her to get better within the next year and a half isn't helping, but should I tell her instead that there's no hurry and that the kids will be fine with careers in fast food?

[Enduronman]

You give up to easily...She needs to be right here. We are all very well versed, in exactly what she's going through, in all different levels,..and there are a dozen ladies, girls, women here for her too.....just like her.

Please try to get her on here...That was a few years ago, not in present day. There is a team here like no where else.

We can get the "walls" down friend...:)

[Ponder]

Coming form a family that blames me every day for my inability - I'm not sure how I can add to this. Yes it is hard to be a full time supporter of those suffering from anything. I am sick in the head, and my wife is sick in body - a kind of double whammy that in turns makes each of us take on each others illness that manifests in both of us.

Until you get help for yourself, without bringing up or speaking for someone else (although I understand why you do here and mean no offense) - then I would assume, your problem is going to continue. My wife and kids have developed Negative Behavioural Patterns in dealing with me - that is there problem not mine, however in any attempt I try to explain this I am not listened to because of the emphasis everyone puts on my illness and or meds. It's a typical negative symptom of living with sufferers, and is also a pattern that leads to much more than once individual - Don't get me wrong - it seems your doing your best, (although yelling at us wont help) I'm just trying to give my version from my side. I too live with my wife mood changes brought on by her MS. I get enough YELLING AT - AS IT FUCKING IS!

Not sure this is the right forum for you - but sure; perhaps for your wife -> that is, if she wants to. It has to come from her alone. If not - then seek help for yourself from others in a forum designed for partners who live with such sick people. That way you can Identify some of the pitfalls that tend to ware down the supporters and also those negative mind sets that sneak in undetected.

Good luck with that.
Ponder.