Suicidal Thoughts

[MiST]

How do you cope with suicidal thoughts and a desire to self harm?

[Enduronman]

Dude,

I have never seen a RED DOT in the chat box before now....and at the top it say "I'm F**ked"....

Um,..it isn't worth thinking, whatever it is that you're thinking bruh....

I've been MARRIED twice...and of course, DIVORCED twice too.....let this day pass you by....

Tomorrow is ALWAYS better than today..

Forget the past, live for today, and have hope for the future friend..

and don't make me use a stupid emoticon!!!

You taught me that, today. :)

[Ponder]

All I can say, is that last night I was wrestling hard with that beast.

I was going to take some meds I know would of knocked me out - but I just sat there thinking deeply beyond the rope, shed and tree.

I guess I already know the answers, but being put on the spot with the ussually phone call to police, having my past constantly brought up and used against me - well - no matter what some of us do, we will always be treated as unfit, at risk and risky - essentially for some of us, there is no room to grow, other than what we can do in our heads.

How to beat those first steps towards doing that act which others will brand you so selfish to do- Is to first think about YOU! -> this for me whilst sounds the opposite of others, comes from a position in which I am always called the retarded one. I'll take it as best I can, but to be sure I am only human and will eventually react - "Go Hang Yourself" is often the cry from my Teenage Son, who decided to call police once I got upset at being refused food off the plate. But no need to go there - for sure in my home, I am no saint. I try like I am sure others do - to be the best husband and father I can be -

But to be called selfish - when having given up drinking years ago, also given up the smokes and drugs - having stuck it out whilst having made those achievements and still being hounded for the times I used to be - My unemployable state reminded to me over and over by my own family members - I know not how they can call me selfish when I have tired so hard -

I think even the police are getting sick of the calls - Alas - such can be the behavioural patterns of others who seemingly will not let go.

For me and again no doubt others C0-Dependency can be a bitch. ------------ But I have always been needy - classical case of being emotionally starved then played with.

Last night although quite poised with the presence of police - it was just the last straw for all the distance I have come -
It seems whenever I attempt to take control - I quickly become set up - more so set-upon.
______________________________________________

Why did I not hang myself yet think so hard to do so in such despair - I have to think more on that one.

Best of luck.

[MiST]

All I can say, is that last night I was wrestling hard with that beast.

I was going to take some meds I know would of knocked me out - but I just sat there thinking deeply beyond the rope, shed and tree.

I guess I already know the answers, but being put on the spot with the ussually phone call to police, having my past constantly brought up and used against me - well - no matter what some of us do, we will always be treated as unfit, at risk and risky - essentially for some of us, there is no room to grow, other than what we can do in our heads.

How to beat those first steps towards doing that act which others will brand you so selfish to do- Is to first think about YOU! -> this for me whilst sounds the opposite of others, comes from a position in which I am always called the retarded one. I'll take it as best I can, but to be sure I am only human and will eventually react - "Go Hang Yourself" is often the cry from my Teenage Son, who decided to call police once I got upset at being refused food off the plate. But no need to go there - for sure in my home, I am no saint. I try like I am sure others do - to be the best husband and father I can be -

But to be called selfish - when having given up drinking years ago, also given up the smokes and drugs - having stuck it out whilst having made those achievements and still being hounded for the times I used to be - My unemployable state reminded to me over and over by my own family members - I know not how they can call me selfish when I have tired so hard -

I think even the police are getting sick of the calls - Alas - such can be the behavioural patterns of others who seemingly will not let go For me and again no doubt others C0-Dependency can be a bitch. ------------ But I have always been needy - classical case of being emotionally starved then played with.

Last night although quite poised with the presence of police - it was just the last straw for all the distance I have come -
It seems whenever I attempt to take control - I quickly become set up - more so set-upon.
______________________________________________

Why did I not hang myself yet think so hard to do so in such despair - I have to think more on that one.

Best of luck.

Thank you very much for that very open reply Ponder.

I'm in a very dark place at the moment and i am in utter despair.

I feel terrible for having these thoughts after how far i have come in life, a life that was given back to me by some wonderful people who treated my cancer. I hate myself so much for feeling like this and not embracing my life for what it is, a wonderful gift. I know this and yet i cannot stop feeling like this.

I feel as though i have been fighting my entire life, and i'm so tired. I have nothing left..i have no more fight in me.

I have battled cancer twice and lost dear friends to the illness. I have struggled with alcohol and drug addiction for most of my life from about the age of 14.

My biological father was an evil person and abused me and my sister from a young age and as a result i have a lot of trouble communicating with people and i find it very hard to trust people and let anyone close enough to form meaningful and loving relationships.

I only found true happiness when i was 19 and despite being diagnosed with cancer again i met the most wonderful woman and everything in my life was perfect, absolutely perfect, but this was not to last long.

You see, she also struggled with drug addiction and unknown to me in mid 2001 a few weeks away from our wedding day she had to much of a certain drug and collapsed in front of me. She passed away in my arms and she was also 4 months pregnent at the time, so i lost the two most important things in my life and my world crumbled around me.

I have never gotton over that night and have suffered ever since, constantly having visions of her and my father tormenting me, her for failing her and my fathers never ending abuse.

I have fought hard to better myself and have been clean and sober for three years now but recent events have made me question why i have even bothered. People whom i think love me, people i let in just keep hurting me and i can't take anymore.

I slit my wrists and took a drug overdose when i was 20 and i'm wondering why i survived if i'm my life is to be like this. I feel so alone and empty, i used to see the beauty in the world but now i see and feel nothing.

I have no friends, not a single one because people just don't seem to want to know me, i have tried and am always friendly but i always get shunned.

I try and talk to people to tell then how i'm feeling, that i'm scared of where my mental state is headed but they always tell me to "man up" or that i'm just stressed and that everyone gets stressed.

I told my GP that i have a history of self harming and i'm scared to where that could lead and he laughed at me and told me that "chicks dig scars"

Nobody seems to want to help me and i'm terrified.

I'm shaking all over right now not knowing what to do, what is wrong with me? Why does nobody want to know me?

It would be very easy to inject an overdose of insulin and just go to sleep and never wake up.

nobody would miss me.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[Enduronman]

Welcome Wayne!

Yes, anxiety.
Anticipatory, apprehension, anxiety.
Always wondering, what's next, where, how, when, and can I beat this one too?
Self-disiplined, strong, not weak minded, powerful, ready, waiting, watching, scanning...for the next threat to arrive.
There's an odd and unexplained feeling in your mid section and chest that you couldn't place, figure out, see on a scan or a ray...
What is it then...Your mind.
You have defeated everything that you've ever encountered. That which needed be defeated, but this one is different, you don't see it, you don't know where "it" is.
It's not a growth, a tumor, a disease, but it is spreading throughout your body and mind... We know what this is, we have all felt this too and some in not many, still do...
The fix? Understanding what exactly, this is. It is anxiety, confirmed. Why? You're a Warrior like many of us here, just waiting for the next strike...
(Why did no MD suggest anything? You conceal it, that's what "it" wanted you to do..because you're fearless. Reveal "it"...then they'll see "it"...Get it?)
1. Get into your PCP, if you don't have one, find one.
2. Copy this page, take it with you, this is your presentation to him/her.
3. Take the medications, as prescribed, to re-gain the total control that you're still looking for..it was lost but you didn't let it go..
4. Arrange to speak to a councelor, therapist, Psych,..always take this with you...start right here..

How did I just come up with all this from being 8000 miles away, on this screen?

You're my long lost twin...I have lived, your life bruh.


Merry Christmas to you Wayne.

E-Man.

Do you remember the Warrior that we all saw, clad in armour from head to toe, only seeing into his eyes..brandishing his Shield of Valor and victories throughout his entire life on this planet? Holding a mighty Sword, that only he was capable of pulling from that stone where everyone else would have and did already fail?

That is you Wayne. Not, was you Wayne..

You're here for a reason, at this place, this time, just as you were supposed to be friend.

And you are to see, read, and feel these words within your heart and the very words that which you feel the impact of are the words of every member here within the lines of communications from space, satelites, and places that only we can imagine... both far and wide, 100's of others people, stretching for 10's of 1000's of miles, ever reaching from around this Globe..these are "their" words.

Be the Strength of the Man that we all know you to be...you will not bow, you will not break, for no one, for nothing.

Your courage inspired me, from day #1..and your openess still inspires me, us, many...

Time, patience, courage, commitement, diligence, effort, understanding, and the true depths of this man you've grown to become..must continue.

Awaiting your reply.

The Anxiety Forum,
The Disorder Hunters...
Your friends,
All of us.

[Ponder]

Big Hug for you!!!!!!!!!

Please hold dear my response yet to come - I'm in need of a mindful walk.

Know that to be where we are, is a point in which many would do well to be - It's often a place in which needs to be reached, before we discover our true selves. Or that place in which we begin to see, where others remain blinded their comfort zone. How is it we learn from out pain? I guess it's that point where all the layers are gone, and it's only ourselves we have to talk with. Last night I spoke with myself pretty deep - just like I do at times in here -

Subject ? What life would really be like on my own - how I used to feel sometimes when living on the street. In a good way though - free from too much worry - where the only things that mattered was where I might lay down to sleep and eat my next meal. It's that being that observer - where one not only observes the others, but also oneself in whatever situation you find yourself to be.

Forgive all the talk of Zen like crap - but for me, it played a large part in me not necking myself. Sure it would be painful to do, however - the mind at that point it was - for me - when it toys with pure intent - that's a danger when deciding to get up and walk - being the topic of killing oneself. Decisions Decisions - Now that your at that point - I guess we both have to make some good choices that would do better to point us in the right direction and just let go of allllllll the shit!

You sound like you have the history like me to write a new guide -> We can't let the ignorance of others rob us of our souls. I know - I know how tiering it can get - I am pushing through right now, when everyone else would say, NO - Not Now - now is not the time - But I can't keep waiting - putting things off - I'm done with everyone else's shit - we have to keep getting up, but doing so is useless if we don't't take control for ourselves.

I'll be friend - I wont let my family stop me from coming in here. I may be on less - but I will keep coming back. I might even be seen as weird and have ups and down - but I don't't leave me friends - I'm always there when and if they will ever have me back. It's just the way I was built. ;)

Take care - I'm off for that walk - I will be back - much later though. Open up As You Deem Fit - Never ever be afraid to show who you are - most of all, we need to accept ourselves- The feeling of being so tired is not about us giving up on ourselves - we are just tired living in such a screwed up and cruel world. We are good people! Don't ever forget that!

Take your time and don't't rush - this walk today will indeed be a slow one - I'll find my purpose by the end of it though!

again - take care friend!

[Dahila]

Mist my lovely friend, you are a beautiful person.
Everyone of us at least the ones who are more than 25 did try to end it. I know some who were successful and I had seen the pain in faces of family. My best friend's son committed suicide 8 years ago, I always see his face and remember when I did his reading I kept telling him; watch out, do not take drugs , there is something bad lurking here. .....
Did not help. I had countless cases like that. I helped some, but not everyone, i seen the death....

I hate to think that a fighter like you would decide to go.... No, you can not. You already made a lot of friends here, we are loyal, and we will be with you.

Dave you can no do this, too many people need you, your wife desperately needs you, you know that. F*** the people who do not accept you. Get close to the once who do.

Wayne you see I am old, much older that most guys here , and I have to fight with the same problem as long as I remember. I finally got small people, I was important to them, I got a bunch of German boxers, that loved me, I got to live for my mom....Now I have my beautiful 7 years old grandchild, .....for a long time I had nothing but pain....
It will get better, it will, I promise...

This is the second of your posts that made me cry....oh boy, I thought I am tough.
Wayne, Dave, Eman, Frankie and many more, when you need to talk and you do not mind my English I am all for you, I consider you my friends..

[reneek]

Mist, we all want to know you. We all want to be your friend. And, the fact that you completely opened up and laid your soul to all of us here tells me that you are crying out for help. We're here. We are not going to leave you. You are important to us...important to me. Many people are afraid to get close to someone who has dealt with so much in such a short time here on this Earth of ours. They are the ones who are missing out. I am hoping and praying that you find purpose and take this life of yours and hug it with all your might. We all have been in a dark place at one time or another. We are your guiding light out of there. Follow it and be embraced in friendship.

Hugs Mist.

[MiST]

i'M REading allcomments. i just feel like there isn no hope. i have lost everything i ever cared about. sitting under the light -of the noon right now and it;s beautiful.

can't fight anymore, too much in my head,; tired. have nothing left in m e

sory for grammar, using tiny screen hands k shaky

[Dahila]

Please be for us ..... please...you have no idea what a wonderful things can happen tomorrow. Life is full of surprises and you get the good one too, just wait a bit longer...

[MiST]

All i ever wanted frim life was to feel love and; to be a father, will never know what it feels like to hold my own son or aughter. there is much mor going on than yyou knowt o many things in my head and cant cope. Just want it to be over

[MiST]

its ok im cool with eevrything

[Dahila]

you will be a father Mist, you will hold your children in your arms, just trust me. I have a good feeling about it. Soon.... wait and see. Give the life another chance.
Love, we all desire love, and in running after this desire we miss,.....the people who love us, we do not see it.
you have no idea how much you can offer to another person, I am thinking your relationship, the present one is not good for you, it is you who does not feel right in it.
You had a hell of life, now is your turn to have a bit of heaven...
by the way we love you , and we need you and there is not different about love, does not matter that is on the screen, it is real and you know that :)

[MiST]

cancer tool my children, had to mako the choice. chose life. now no futur

[Dahila]

Oh, but there is adoption and other options. Maybe you will not have the biological ones. I was raised with my sister, well she was not blood related but still my sister :)
You just need to meet your soul mate

[Dahila]

Where are you Wayne?
I think you need help right now
Please do what Frankie said to do, please..

[MiST]

dnt; know where

siting in field with the moon

it;s nice here

[Dahila]

what when you kill your battery and you will not talk to us?

[jessed03]

Hey Mist

Nobody can deny you've had a heck of a hard life. You've seen some prime suffering that's for sure.

I had a bit of a different route to where I am. I was in a near fatal car accident as a kid. Everything people take for granted, I had to learn again. Walking, talking, not feeling frightened by everything.

I guess as a 12 year old, I wasn't so knowledgable on suicide. You just... Get on with it, ya know?

But time passes, and it wears you down. It chips at your spirit, it pushes your frustration to the max, and often reminds you that you're a powerless fluke... An organism on top of a wet blue planet, walking around trying to stay alive. That will to stay alive is in everything.

And you begin to wonder why?. 'Why am I doing it?'... Religion didn't cut it for me. Friends, family, businesses... They'd all die and fade given a little time.

A wise man whose name I've forgotten said 'A man can live without the how, but not the why'.

And when you don't have that why, when you don't have that reason to push through and tolerate all of the suffering - life gets very very hard doesn't it. I mean, it becomes a struggle overnight.

When things get extremely hard, it's just an almighty fucking struggle. Even getting out of bed can be an almighty fucking struggle.

And that's what suicide is, more or less... Someone losing their fight against the struggle to stay alive. Society doesn't always see that. If somebody loses their struggle against cancer, so many beautiful words (and rightly so) will be said about them; about their spirit and how they fought until the end... Well... You can lose your struggle to stay afloat in life too. You can reach a point where you can no longer tolerate the amount of damage life has done, and is causing to you.

And that ain't cowardly. Ending it when you reach that point isn't cowardly. It just isn't. I've suffered a fair bit, not as much as you my friend, but enough not to be a hater of suicide. I would never try and talk a person out of it. They know their pain threshold way better than I do.

What I do like to do though - is to help them to see their 'Why'. Just incase they don't see it themselves. I feel it's the least you can do for a suffering person - To try and help them see a reason to keep taking life's pain. Cos - that's a heck of ask... To ask somebody to keep on suffering, just because you don't wanna see them die? Wow that's arrogance.

So, If I can, which isn't always the way, I like to try and help a struggling person see their 'Why', as, that's usually enough to keep them going - for a little longer.

And.. writing this was easy, as I see your 'Why' clearer than I even see my own.

You are a living inspiration

Me, Frankie, Eman, ponder, Dahila - we've gotta wake up every day and think 'God, how do I make a difference in the world?' 'How do I benefit somebody's life?'... and we wrack our brains, and do all kinds of stupid bullshit to try and make ourselves feel like we have a place or a purpose here. We go through our lives trying to earn our purpose.

You don't need to do that. Because you've done it already... And you continue to do it, just by being yourself, by being natural, by sharing your experiences and your lessons.

Let me explain...

I'm at a crossroads in my life right now.
I spent most of my childhood with various rehabilitation issues, most quite painful. I then spent most of my teens with a drug problem and mental health shit going on, including sectioning... And now... I've discovered that I have an autoimmune condition. Not too big a deal really, easily controllable, but it's done a lot of damage to the body. It's yet MORE suffering that I didn't have the heart to bother with. It's more suffering that I didn't have the heart to endure, push through, fight and come back from.
I also recently quit my job.
There's a huge part of me that wants to disappear from the system. I have goals and dreams unfulfilled... But I'm kinda hurting physically, and I'm tired mentally.... I want...To just... relax now, and take the easy road.
And I was kinda set on that for a bit. I didn't want the fight anymore. I didn't want the stress. I didn't want the competition - cos I felt I'd lost it, and didn't have the hunger. I kinda was ready to lay down and just take my punches in silence.

But your posts yesterday, they inspired everyone. What I wrote, and what others wrote in response to them were completely genuine. The way you live and lived your life touched me, and I'm not easily touched.

When you talk to any suicidal person, like maybe you are now, and you wanna try and help them see a more positive side of things - you have to give them some good - to balance out the bad. You just have to. If they're suicidal, they have a lot of bad going on - You've gotta be prepared to give them a HECK OF A LOT of good... just to balance things again.

But thankfully it's pretty easy here. You already have a heck of a lot of good inside you, to balance this out.

See, you need to do nothing, to inspire people. If you get up in the morning, eat your breakfast, and drink your juice... You're a success. Look at what you've lived through... Look at what you've survived. Look at the things you've done, the things you've said. Look at the pain you've endured, the things you've lost, the circumstances you've lived under.

YOUR HEART IS STILL BEATING AND TODAY YOU WERE STILL LAUGHING!!!

That's the biggest 'fuck you' to suffering that's possible!

You are the greatest success story, on this forum that I have met - bar none, it's not even close. And I'm not even talking about just surviving cancer - twice. I'm talking about the impact your words and life story have on others. I have 3100 posts at the time of writing. I can't inspire people in anyway close to the way you can. It's not a cliche, I'm not saying this cos you're down - I said it yesterday too.

I can't speak for anybody else here, but I know yesterday your words gave me a little of my fight back. They gave me a little of my hunger back.

You just need to be you, in order to help others. That's your 'Why', at least how I see it. And I don't see a guy here, that can turn down a chance to help others, especially seeing as virtually no work is involved.

That guy who gave a dying girl her wish to have a boyfriend - he isn't gone. He's here. And he can't quit, even if he wanted to. It doesn't work that way, nobody gets to change who they are.

The world will NEVER have the amount of inspiration to meet the demand people have for it.

People like you are rare. I dont remember the last time I felt touched and inspired - I'm a pretty closed off dude.

You have a unique, but kinda beautiful position. You are part of the gas that sparks the great things that people are gonna do. If I go on from here, and do something great, if Frankie, Crista, Dahila, ponder, Eman and all the others out there that know you, do something great, find peace, find happiness - it will always carry a small peace of you in it. Not many go through life touching people Mist. Not many at all.

Cos you changed my gameplan to a more ambitious one. And Frankie would say the same thing. I fact, Frankie has said the same thing to me in a personal message.

I was struggling badly to find my fight. It's 4am here and instead of shooting off job applications, I'm drinking coke playing sonic... A 24 year old man with potential, ready to kinda disappear into mediocrity. But now I have a bit of a hunger in my stomach - an appetite for the fight. Never give up you said. Never give up, even if you're losing. Anybody can say that, there are books written about that one line. You're different because you demonstrates it. You showed people how it's done.

Whatever thoughts, ideas, worries, insecurities whirl around inside your head... They're bullshit buddy. They're all bonus ball stuff. The good stuff, the real stuff, the stuff that matters? You're doing that daily, by being you, by being the person you are.

Now I wish I could give you the 'How'... I wish I could tell you how to get the things YOU desire, how to move some mountains, or how to find peace - but I can't. I guess you might figure that out yourself, although we will be there to support you in that quest too.

I just hope by demonstrating your reason as to why your life has purpose, that you agree with yourself to stick it out a little longer to give finding the 'How' another shot. Happiness exists in the strangest of places after all.

So even if you doubt that you can find happiness and fulfilment... I still want you to know...

Your suffering has a profound purpose. And that purpose you carry with you, and have shared with me, and others I'm sure.

My life is the better for knowing you, and when you can say that about someone - then it is a tragedy to see anything else happen other than for them to continue in the same vain, and pass on the same good stuff to another person when needed, later down the line.

Take care Mist, be safe, thank you, and already I feel I can call you a friend.

'The person I touch will touch another, and they in turn will touch another, until who knows how far, or in what way my touch has been felt'

[jessed03]

Do whatever you need to do to ride through this Mist. Go to somewhere you can be safe - a hospital if need be. These next parts of your life may not be all that comfortable, but please put yourself in a position to stay safe, and to ensure you stay as you are.

Do not waste yourself Mist. Please do not.

[Dahila]

Mist is offline, thank you jessed for a beautiful post, I wanted to tell him the same things but my language limitation does not allow me to do that. He is an inspiration no doubts here.
I feel very humble in his presence, I hope everything is going to be all right

[Ponder]

MiST knows we'll be here when he comes back.

Last words:

"it's nice here"

[Ponder]

It's an honer to know you Jesse03

[Dahila]

I noticed it before I had seen Jessed post.....I hope he is stronger than he thinks he is......

[Ponder]

You know MiST:

You said it man - if you can still see beauty with all that has been suffered, that is a blessing. I'm not to sure where such blessings come from or what they really mean, but it's just nice to know that no matter how low we go, that there will always be love that comes from deep inside ourselves; at that counts! It's a journey few can really connect with. It's not so much a reason for everything, but more so how we take the reigns after seeing what we have seen, and make the reason for being something we can connect with.

We sufferers are impulsive beings - take heart as you sit where ever you are, and just give your attentions to what feels right. Lets the thought comes and go without much angst - but seek instead that love that reside within - CRY if it helps. Find the love man - it's there waiting for you - and we too are also here doing just the same - we wait for you.

With my most sincere compassionate thoughts - I suffer along side you and offer what I can - let the love come as it will - it need not be a joyous lift, just compassion for oneself. We are here buddy.

[Ponder]

I'm off to bed now my friend - I sure do hope your still around. I'm planning a hit on local government and starting a training camp. I'd be honored to have someone like yourself join in.

Seriously man - I'm thinking of you. I guess the sun is up there now or just about? ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
Let us know your sitch if you can.

Peace to your most inner core and may it stick for a few days straight.
Cell group member 9,475,796,345,567,768,99,345,567,890,234,456,666 - AKA - imperialistic capitalist exterminator. call 01678934256. ;)

Long Live the POPE.

[NeverToo...Fear]

MiST,

I just read through everyone's posts.. I hope you are still with us.. I wanted to add a little something here. To be part of letting you know that you are not alone and that we are here for you. Your story, I've said it before, is truly inspiring, not just to me, but others struggling out there. Your story makes me want to be better. We care. We want to know you. We want to help you. Us from all around the world; me, Ponder, Frankie, E-man, Dahila, Jesse.. I think I can safely speak for them that we genuinely care about you. Know that.

I had a friend once who wanted to die; to commit suicide. He didn't see the point in life. I talked to him for many hours, not really talking him out of it, But just getting him to talk and think about it. To understand what he was thinking and really doing. Today he is out helping others with suicide.
I agree with Jesse in not necessarily talking someone out of suicide, but rather have them question and understand what it is they are actually about to do. Because YOU are the one living with the pain. And asking you to live another day is pretty fucking selfish on our parts.

But MiST, everyday you are alive, it's like a big Fuck you to all the ones who try to knock you down. Every day you walk the earth you are living proof that we can over come life's most difficult challenges. You've had a hard life no doubt, and I'm so sorry you had to go through it, but know that you've affected me positively with your spirit and determination. You are truly helping people, MiST.

You may be gone now.. I hope not, but if you are walking the earth today, reading these words from all of us, know that you will be missed. I'm really hoping you are okay. I'm actually shaking as I'm typing this wondering if you are okay, because I, WE all care.

Please come back and let us know where you are and how you are doing.

[Dahila]

yes Mist is ok:))
Check 'Apology" thread :)