White lies

[mikecole114]

As I go back to uni tomorrow I face the task of again acting happier then I am. I'm still relatively new in uni with just being there since September. So I'm still trying to get the impression across that I'm a fun and happy guy. Very hard work. But as now I am worse then ever I can't help but think what should I tell these new people in my life (I'm talking about flat mates and new friends) when they ask me how my Christmas was what do I say? The usual "it was great thanks" or do I tell the truth. I'm scared of reactions I will get but I will also be living with these people for 3 years so I guess they will have no know at some point. But it's just the timeless question of how truthful do I be about my problems? On one hand I feel ashamed and don't want people to know but on the other hand I would like people to understand why I am like I am sometimes without having to act happy. But then again acting happy is halfway to being happy surely?????

[Dahila]

Yeah is difficult, I never tell people the true, because they do not care, just smile and say yes it was good, relaxing. This is what I say. Maybe they are close friends and you can tell them, believe me people do not care. Family cares and maybe, maybe best friends. Mine say they care but they do not...
You can talk here, people on this forum will understand you, and you will get daily support. :)

[mikecole114]

Yeah is difficult, I never tell people the true, because they do not care, just smile and say yes it was good, relaxing. This is what I say. Maybe they are close friends and you can tell them, believe me people do not care. Family cares and maybe, maybe best friends. Mine say they care but they do not... You can talk here, people on this forum will understand you, and you will get daily support. :)


This Christmas has been so bad because it proved to me that my sposed friends really do not care maybe they did for a while until they got bored of my moany shit and now don't see me. They've tried to be nice about it and make it out that I'm pushing them away not the other way round. I'm cutting off all contact with them as the anxiety I get about them not liking me is worse then the benefit gained of long distant fake friendship

[Dahila]

in my opinion you should not keep in touch with people who do not care.. with the anxiety sufferers we usually are very lonely. That's life... however sad it is. I would love to give you some better advice, but I pushed away all people. I have problem to communicate with my family too.

[reneek]

Sometimes people do get tired of hearing anxiety suffers worries and fears...and it seems all we do is moan and complain about our lives. Unless you have suffered from severe anxiety or panic, some people just cannot relate.

I have what I thought was my "go to" support group which consisted of my two sisters, my best friend, and my husband. I know my husband tries to understand, but at least he is willing to just listen when I need to rant or cry. My best friend also deals with anxiety and depression, so I don't always like to go to her because we tend to feed off each others problems and begin experiencing them ourselves. My older sister is very supportive as she is well aware of what the anxiety can do (she suffers herself). My younger sister, who has suffered from anxiety and panic pretty much from the time she was a teenager, actually told me not too long ago that I am obsessed with talking about it and it made me feel really bad; like I could not go to her anymore when I feel at my worst.

I guess what some don't understand (like my younger sister) is it helps me to deal with it better when I can talk about it. I cannot hold things inside; it tears me up. I need to talk about it to get it out there; to clear my mind and more or less own up to what is going on. It helps me to get a handle on why I feel the way I do. But, since my younger sister said that to me, I haven't really bothered her when I feel anxious or stressed. I typically go to my older sister now.

You also have to keep in mind that what you are going through might scare some and that is why they are uncomfortable hearing it from you. It could also be that they suffer themselves, but unlike those of us who feel better talking about it, they tend to be more internal and private with their anxiety and emotions.

Just some thoughts to consider.

[mikecole114]

Sometimes people do get tired of hearing anxiety suffers worries and fears...and it seems all we do is moan and complain about our lives. Unless you have suffered from severe anxiety or panic, some people just cannot relate. I have what I thought was my "go to" support group which consisted of my two sisters, my best friend, and my husband. I know my husband tries to understand, but at least he is willing to just listen when I need to rant or cry. My best friend also deals with anxiety and depression, so I don't always like to go to her because we tend to feed off each others problems and begin experiencing them ourselves. My older sister is very supportive as she is well aware of what the anxiety can do (she suffers herself). My younger sister, who has suffered from anxiety and panic pretty much from the time she was a teenager, actually told me not too long ago that I am obsessed with talking about it and it made me feel really bad; like I could not go to her anymore when I feel at my worst. I guess what some don't understand (like my younger sister) is it helps me to deal with it better when I can talk about it. I cannot hold things inside; it tears me up. I need to talk about it to get it out there; to clear my mind and more or less own up to what is going on. It helps me to get a handle on why I feel the way I do. But, since my younger sister said that to me, I haven't really bothered her when I feel anxious or stressed. I typically go to my older sister now. You also have to keep in mind that what you are going through might scare some and that is why they are uncomfortable hearing it from you. It could also be that they suffer themselves, but unlike those of us who feel better talking about it, they tend to be more internal and private with their anxiety and emotions. Just some thoughts to consider.

Thankyou very much for ur reply reneke I would firstly like to say I completely agree with what u said people don't understand I've never spoken to someone eles face to face about it all with someone who also suffers and I've always thought this would help it's interesting to see you find it doesn't work with your best friend. Ur lucky to have so many people who care and understand I have none ATM which is why I've felt so bad I just want to talk to someone who actually cares and won't treat me like I'm obsessed with it. All my friends say when I try to talk to them about it is "I don't know what to say" or ignore me. :(

[Dahila]

Summing it up , we are alone with it, and the only option to talk about it, is this forum.... at least we have this:)

[reneek]

Well, just so you know, I care. Even though we do not know each other, I do care. I know how important it is to feel someone, anyone, cares about what you are going through. I can relate and I do care. I feel a little bit like an outsider right now since I just joined the forum, but I am hoping that the more dominant forum members will warm up to me and let me in. I've made some comments here and there, and I like the teasing that goes back and forth.

As far as my best friend is concerned, we do talk to each other about our anxiety, however, we have been best friends for over 34 years now...and we've definitely been through hell and back with each other. She lost her husband to cancer 12-1/2 years ago and that really set her anxiety and depression into motion (as you can understand). But, the reason sometimes we cannot talk to each other is because we are so intuned with one another that my anxiety will set her anxiety in motion, and vice-versa. She also deals with depression where as I just get the blues sometimes. We are very different (almost like night and day), but yet so alike it isn't funny. I guess that's why we've been friends for 34+ years.

I usually check in on my facebook and forums that I belong to at least a couple times a day. Feel free to reach out whenever you feel the need. I will help with whatever advice I can. I just hope others will do the same with me. We are all in this together. And, together we will all get through.

[Ponder]

I find telling lies has never worked for me. You would do far better to simply tell the truth but in a way that does not add to the problem. Oh SIGH- woers me, kind of thing. I would often just have my serious face that would attempt a smile as if to say, "Yea Hi, not feeling well, but thanks for asking - cheers and all that - I know - i feel like shit - have a nice day wink wink"

The more you beat yourself up for feeling Sad, or whatever it is that stirs you so - and the more you Lie about it, the more your going to feel like shit. Just goes to show how much of a fake world we live in, when people to to such extremes to make themselves feel worse by hiding from the truth.

I'd see someone about it as frankie suggests, however if your trying to hide it - then go see someone out of Uni.

Personally, the very topic of white Lies - is about Hiding - and in this case, your hiding from yourself. Try not to focus on that - on the why I am having to Lie - why can't I accept how I am feeling, why am I different, why don't't I look the same, why can people stand by me, why why why why. It's all in your mind - that stuff is not you - you need to focus on why you are there. Remind yourself what you intended to go to uni for? Ask yourself REAL questions that pertain to you and not what you think you should be.

Focus on Goals but not Success! Meaning keep your goals based on your present studies and location. The only thing you need to know, is where to eat, where to sleep, where the toilets are and where you can sit and study in peace - Your in Uni dude - You've done well! Take your own food and water with you if it helps. Avoid mixing in if it only forces you to LIE - again, every time you Lie about yourself, it's only going to make it worse. So Yea "Tell people Hello, Just going through a tough time with my study, but I'm still here! - Thanks got to go now!"

People like singling out those that they think they can manipulate - Humans are cruel and also a sick species man. Again, Why are you at university??? You don't't need to mix, especially if it's fucking you up man. People having had enough of you - well - fuck them - who gives a fuck if your not smiling enough or they can see through your white lies that its "draining on them" LOL - maybe that's true and or they are just sick of shit themselves and don't't have the energy to play the white lie game too.

Snap out of it man - focus on why your there. It's University - a Utopian Pinnacle in ones life - fuck the rest. Just stick to the studies, eat, rest and be pleased that your there. All else is superficial compared to the opportunity you have at hand. You can't tell white lies without them building up and eventually taking you over - drop the whole deal and decide why it is that you there? I did not cut the mustard on my mature age entry attempt and also was consumed by my own projected low self esteem.

Whilst you need a boost, you also need to be real - otherwise you could end up with a diploma/PHD or whatever they hand out there, but still living a lie.

Take control man - change perspective and let things, others or whatever come and go as they may - Do that, and you may very well find yourself walking a little straighter each day, being more truthful, more accepting with the days passing much more easily and your studies picking up as well. Find your purpose again and forget the rest - the rest is not you, it's your mind!

Purpose - Plan to avoid the triggers but mindlessly so with some intent - the more your able to pick yourself up and be honest again - the happier you will "become in yourself" Plan each day to make the transition from one moment to the next something that your in control of - know where it is you intend to be and where to go - focus on the things and or breath in those times your mind tries to take back control - sooner than later if you do these things, you will then discover how much stronger you are than your mind. You will open yourself up in a place meant to fill your head with relative stuff meant for you purpose - You can do this man - Mindfulness is about taking control of your mind and not it of you - the Irony is though that once your able to accept yourself over your mind - the ability to assimilate all relative information , will have you consuming the texts, subject material and all that is taught at an incredibly much more amazing rate! Your studies can become your meditations and tool to move on.

I envy you is many ways - you have an awesome opportunity ahead of you - You can do it - Check out mindfulness for study as well as for yourself. I wish you the very best!

[Ponder]

Hugs to you Frankie - I'm a little unstable myself, but thanks for your kind words as they always help me feel better for writing when I think I should of not. You will always be beautiful with whatever and however you wish to express yourself - just as I wish the best I can for all of us hurting somewhere deep within. If only we could all let go together and just smile as best we can. Nothing too fancy though - LOL ... ok -> whatever works is good for me. :)

[Dahila]

Frankie I care too , I care very much for you.... I feel sometimes that is me a bit in the past.... I was struggling with all you go through and I did not have any help, even now I can not afford the cancelling, it cost a lot here, and I work but no insurance , no insurance at all.
I tried to log in in work and there was not button to log in, Do you have any idea where is it placed? The top bar was missing, must be due old computers...

[Dahila]

On the top of not having help, I have to be very quiet about my mental problems, I am still working, and reality is , they would get rid of me if they knew. When I had accident in work, my boss very quickly fired me. The idiot forgot about Workers compensation we have in Canada and they took him to court, that the best :)))
I went back to school and finished my college, and never got a well paid job. The job I am working is kind of temporary through f**** work agency. Temporary; I am there 5 years already.....I never know if I have job tomorrow. So my anxiety must be kept quiet. Pretending, pretending to be good to be fine, to tell that I had a great Xmas and New year.....

[reneek]

Unfortunately there is a separation between mental health services and other healthcare. I work for a Neuropsychologist, and when checking a patients benefits it is imperative that you ask about their mental health coverage. Most people don't realize that their mental health coverage may differ from their medical coverage.

I am not familiar with how Europe and Canada, being you have healthcare provided by your government, but I am sure with the United States now having The Affordable Care Act (or ACA) things are going to be much different. Should be quite interesting when we get a patient who has ACA insurance since it will be through an exchange with the insurance companies, which is different from employer provided private insurance.

Frankie, your picture reminds me of what I look like during anxious times. I know how you feel with your husband; my husband had no idea what was happening to me when I first started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. I myself had no clue what was happening because I had never experienced anything like that to that point in my life. With that said, it took many years of trying to explain to him what I felt like inside and what fear and worry it caused in me. I don't know that after 10 years of ups and downs he has completely "got it", but I think it took him having a somewhat of a panic attack to truly understand what I had been going through. Hang in there. It does get better.

I envy all of those out there that are handling this without medication. I know at this point I could not do it. Although I get those horrible break throughs, I still will never stop taking my meds. But that is me and to each his own right?

Thank you for welcoming me here. It really means a lot to me that I have people who can relate and who I can turn to in times of trouble or difficulty.

[reneek]

Well, if you had a partner that mocked you and was unkind, then you are better off without him.

It won't be long before you can change that picture to have a smile on your face. I know about secrets. I keep them all the time. I know how it feels to have to hold in what is going on inside your body and mind. Luckily for me I do have outlets and that helps a great deal.

I have learned over the years that sometimes you just have to let go and let God. I don't mean to preach to people or force faith or religion on anybody. I put my faith in God, and I pray quite a bit. That is one of my vices that helps me. Everyone needs to use what helps them. I have learned to not let all the small things bother me. I have learned that everything is not a huge deal and I can let it slide.

Whatever helps.

[Dahila]

Praying is like meditation reneek, so you are doing good :))

[Ponder]

Hi reneek, I hope your health care gets better, as over here we see documentary's depicting you citizen being dropped out the back of hospitals into the street. Some really good ones will at least ring a cab to have them removed good and proper. Then there are those that that drop to the floor and don't receive attention until their dead! It's all on camera for the rest of the world to see. Log into youtube and check out "What would you do" it reveals much about the truth of said humanity.

Things are better here in Australia, however out alliance with the US has steadily seen more and more american elitism infect out shores. Things are quickly going to shit as we now adopt charging, when once healthcare was FREE. affordable sounds rather obscure to me. Insurance - pffffft - that is the measures of ones worth - How Sad and pitltyful life has come to be.

Mental health here - well as least the hospital had the decency to assign a midwife to my daughter due to perhaps someone actually reading her sheet. She has a mental history with the hospital. Assault police, acting out when being treated, mined you though - once tarnished they always add pressure with security and a front set to engage. If you don't't check a patients profile and keep notes on mental instability, then that is just plain ignorance.

Hell, when the police came to my house last night, they know well to bring the mental health professionals. Any society that fails to address such growing issues, is rather ignorant to the major issues that fester under those more "well equipped types"! Pffft
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Excuse me - as I getting by without me meds is not as easy as others make it out to be. It's a rather concentrated effort on my part and one no one would dare envy.

As for leaving Partners that bagger you and dont love you -= well I know much about hat. Seems we have had a couple of generations now, that cut and run at the first sign of trouble. I work damn hard at managing with my families pain.
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I'm a hard core recovering scum bag - The posts in here meet with reality as I read and process.

Don't't mind me - it was only last night that I nearly passed the shed with a ladder dead set with intent to hang myself from the backyard tree. None the less, I still breath. Seems we may have a good mental health plan after all - to be honest, my therapist is not forcing Meds - it's more my family stuck in their own pain and suffering - I bare it as I must. Not sure how I would fair, with other trees.

NO offense intended to you - it's only your words and my messed up mind that wishes to toil - I don't't know you like some of the others, so please by all means - don't't hold back - in actuality I know others bite their tongue will with me - I really am sorry for the way I be.
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Dahila I make post for you that might actually help regarding you log in issues: It may or may not help?

Regrettably Dave :(

[Ponder]

It would seem I have been very insensitive to your words - whilst I have said what I said - I am sorry for being such an ass. Perhaps your right - perhaps I should leave - not saying you said that, but was how my mind reacted when reading your words to another. Got some heavy shit going on. I am so sorry for not greetings you right.

I leave this place now - I get bagged out for being on it. They just don't understand how much I need places like this. again I am very sorry reneek.

[reneek]

Ponder? I don't know what you misinterpreted from my post, but I'm slightly confused. I would never tell someone to leave the forum (what right do I have to do that?) and secondly, I was just commenting on the separation on medical benefits versus mental health benefits. Much has changed for the better in regards to mental health coverage since the parity laws began in 2007. The Affordable Care Act (or as others call it "Obamacare") is for people who cannot afford healthcare as an individual. It has created an "exchange" with the insurance companies that can provide a group rate rather than individual rates (which are astronomically high). Not that it matters. I'm sorry the Americas have created changes in your country that are not received well on your part. But, as an American, I personally am not responsible for those changes being pushed on your country. Hell, I didn't vote for Obama. I think all our politicians are a bunch of corrupt idiots. But somehow they continue to make our laws and change our ways. Go figure. I guess too many Americans who are hoodwinked by them.

Ponder I'd like to be friends so that we can perhaps help each other in times of trouble. I'm really a very mellow person, and I'm really quite friendly!

Dahlia, thanks for that. I've been persecuted on other forums for saying God. I never mean to offend anyone, and never expect anyone to agree with me. My beliefs are just that, mine. But, I'm always grateful to those who believe in a higher power.

[reneek]

Oh, and Ponder, I've never seen documentaries that have shown people being dropped out the back of hospitals into the streets. I know there have been stories of such, but I can tell you that doesn't happen where I live. I live in one of the most populated states with world renowned healthcare facilities. I will look up those youtube videos though. Also, there are places in the US (like New York) where people will walk right past a person who has fainted or passed out because they "don't want to get involved". Not everybody is like that, and sometimes I think that stuff is staged.

[Ponder]

All good reneek - I had a bit of a meltdown last night. My mind got the better of me, I am often misunderstood. I think crossing wires with what I read and what my brain is telling me. I will edit, but rarely delete. I just saw I had made an ass of myself and wanted to apologize. Thank you for kind words. For sure I would like to be friends. Just a battle going on in my head. I'll get there/wishing you well. :)

Also hope OP original poster understands I'm not quite well.
Sorry buddy - please do continue with your updates in this, your thread.

[reneek]

It's all good Ponder. Hugs. I know what it is like to make an ass out of ones self. I do it too often I think :slywink:

[Ponder]

...... ....... :)

[DodgingRain]

Personally I'd be very careful who you tell about your issues. Some people will use it against you. Sometimes you do have to fake it and lie. If your a white male you have to lie about it even more as it's less acceptable that it is with others. I would only tell people that I've known for a while and trust. Given the characteristics of the illness that isn't very many people and for some of us it means we can't tell anyone we know in real life.