Just need to vent a bit, sorry.

[8-BitAlice]

I'm so sick of this, part of me wants to just give up!.
I can't do anything, I can't even leave the house without my sister leading me.
Was diagnosed with Lupus when I was 12, my own body wants to kill me. Honestly I don't understand the condition very well, it's something I just try to ignore, which is hard given all the drugs they stuck me on, I'm on all sorts of things, anti-inflammatory's, immune suppressants, even corticosteroids, I don't even know what they are.
I just feel inferior to everyone around me, I can't speak to anyone, to the point where my sis' has to speak for me, I just stand there behind her like a useless lump, I weigh her down and I hate it.
I wouldn't try to end it, i wouldn't dare, but I have been tempted to just stop taking all these meds and let my body eat itself, don't dare do that either.
Is that pathetic?. I'm just so tired of.. being tired!, of everything aching, I'm 21 things shouldn't ache!, I can't go out in the sun without getting rashes or ending up looking like a tomato. I forget everything too, sometimes even simple things like my birthday for example. I'm always bloody ill with something or other, I just want to be normal like everyone else.
I didn't even dare to write this at first, couldn't talk to you, on a forum, anonymously 'till I got hammered drunk, this will probably come across as intensely childish but why do I have to be me?. You'd think some kind of karmic balance would be in order, no?, the universe/god or whatever could've had the common courtesy to make me pretty, or smart, or funny, something!.

I'm sorry to rant on about it and be so immature, I don't mean to waste your time. Feels better just to get it off my chest though.
Thank you for indulging me, and letting me blow off some steam.
I don't know if anyone will respond 'cause I didn't actually ask anything but thank you for reading this.

[NeverToo...Fear]

Hi Alice.. nice to see you again. :)

Vent. It's good to do. Just get it all out now matter how it turns out. Venting and writing things out just help out a lot. And I think it is brave of you to post this!

Life throws us curve balls. Life doesn't make it easy on some of us. Life is about fighting. Life is about dealing with that poker hand you were dealt and playing those cards to the fullest. I understand feeling you want to give up, but I sense that you are very strong; you said you wouldn't dare end it. You won't stop taking your meds and let your body eat yourself. You wouldn't. You are a fighter. And those who fight will succeed.

[jessed03]

Hey Alice

Glad you posted, even with alcohol :)

Sounds frustrating. I don't know too much about lupus actually, but I do have a small autoimmune condition that caused me some problems in my life.

I don't think you're immature. Sometimes it sounds you can be a little harsh on yourself Alice. I see somebody who is caring and intelligent. I also see somebody with more potential to be something greater when she manages to find her confidence. I think there is a lot inside you ready to be unlocked.

Life is never fair is it? It sucks. You'd think it would try and compensate some people, but instead it often throws more problems their way. Sometimes it feels like life's a Bull and you're stuck wearing red.

I like listening to what you say, I'm not just saying that. I'm not sure if you believe it, maybe you do, but you are very interesting.

I found this post interesting. I'm glad it helped you blow off steam, it also helped me understand your life a little.

In a way I don't know what to say in response to your problems. I hope you can find some peace and some fun, of course. What do you enjoy doing at the moment? I imagine the lupus prevents some stuff, but do you have any things that you like doing? Even just video games maybe?

Take care Alice. Please do post whenever you would like, without any fear of being judged, or appearing badly. I promise you those things won't happen in the way you may feel they would. I for one like seeing your posts :)

[8-BitAlice]

Thank you, I didn't expect .. I'm having trouble finishing that sentence, but that was really kind of you, I don't know what to say.
-blushing-

I like the phrase "life's a Bull and your stuck wearing red", I might have to nick that one if its alright by you ;)

Edit: will get my spelling right if it kills me.

[Enduronman]

Hey Alice!

I have relapsing polychondritis, RA, mixed connective tissue disease, signs of lupus (butterfly rashes, sores at times) fibro, 3 herniated discs in my neck, had more xrays this am at 8, of my hands, pelvis, knees,..and every mental disorder one could truly want!!....You're going to be just fine.. I take 10 different meds, daily...including 1 steroid, 1 glucocortoid, 1 pro-hormone, and HCG...plus a bunch of other crap too!! YAY!!! :)

[jessed03]

Lol nothing quite like a woman who values spelling :)

Ps that phrase, it's yours lol... My gift to you haha

[8-BitAlice]

Thank you, my phrase now!. :)

[jessed03]

Alice, did you have any adventures on NYE?

[reneek]

Alice, you are not alone in how you feel. Life does throw us curve balls, and we have no choice but to learn how to deal with it.

I have wondered all my life why am I here? Why did God allow my creation? I've always done that. But then one day I thought, who am I to question God's intent? I'm here for a reason, and therefore I must persevere.

I deal with being a diabetic. I wasn't always diabetic; I am a Type 2. It started with my first pregnancy and just progressively continued. Fast forward 22 years, and I am now on an insulin pump and still struggling to keep my blood sugar in check and under control. It took many years of questioning and researching to get to where I am at now. I felt like I was such an oddball because everything that worked for other diabetics just did not work for me. Then I realized and learned that each and every diabetic is different and unique in what works for them. So although I don't always have wonderful blood sugar numbers, I do my best and stick to watching everything I eat and getting exercise. I had to learn not to allow being a diabetic to define who I am. I have other health things (which I wont go into) but suffice it to say I do not allow any of that to define me. I want people to see who I truly am...a loving, caring, compassionate woman who is always ready and willing to help another. That is what I want people to remember me for; not my health or inabilities or difficulties.

Don't allow lupus to define you. You determine what you want to be remembered for. Only you have the ability to create happiness and contentment in your life. You are right; it isn't fair. But, as the cliché goes, life isn't fair. You have something that needs your attention to be contained, but it can be contained. You can lead a healthy happy life. Make the choice of what you want and don't look back. Instead of saying why me, look at it as why not me? Just know you are not alone in how you feel.

[Dahila]

I can not say anything new but being probably the oldest here, I have some privilege I hope...U know the age , and other aspects.
Alice I had seen your post and I kind of looking for the next one. I think it is fantastic you openned up. I promise no one will judge you or criticize you, because you have enough on your plate already,.
Do not be hard on yourself, try to love yourself.
Quote reneek
"Don't allow lupus to define you. You determine what you want to be remembered for."

Reenek you said it all, so did Jessed, and Eman. Alice you are safe here:))