Is it even possible to be in a relationship when suffering from anxiety?

[ss_worrier]

Hi,

It's been a very long time since I posted anything in this forum -- partly because things have been so much better for the past year or so. But lately my anxiety has flared up pretty badly (only writing this sentence makes me feel a little better since it acknowledges that I'm treating it as a "disorder" and not as reality). For me, the strongest and most continuous anxiety has evolved around relationships with the opposite sex. My anxiety initially became a real problem when I was together with my first real long-term girlfriend. We were together for two years, and I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world. But after a while (and with the help of therapy) I realized I was confusing real love and happiness with an ideal image in my head of love and happiness, and the disparity between the two made me very anxious.

Anyway. My new relationship, which is causing me a lot of anxiety, albeit not as bad as I know that it could have been, has made me wonder if it is even possible to be together with someone you're in love with and not be anxious throughout it. I have dated people briefly who I haven't been all too overtly infatuated with, and anxiety-wise, it's been amazing -- I've been able to actually be together with someone I like a fair amount, and not suffer due to the anxiety.

But now, having met a person who I really like very much (at least I think I do -- anxiety always clouds my judgment), I can't seem to make the anxiety stop. All the "usual" thoughts of mine -- her ex's, me not being good enough for her, her not liking me enough, her breaking up with me, her being into other guys, etc -- keep coming just the way they used to years ago with my long-term girlfriend. I know that it's all in my head, and even though I acknowledge that her behavior doesn't exactly alleviate my anxiety, I have no real reasons for most of these thoughts.

This brings me to a few questions which some of you might already have struggled with and may be able to guide me in:

1) Is it even possible to be in a relationship with someone you really like if you suffer from anxiety? Part of the reason I get so anxious is probably that I actually really like this girl, it makes the potential of not being good enough or loosing her so much more frightening. Do I have to live a life without ever being with people I really like, because the anxiety is too hard?

2) How do you tell what your real feelings are when anxiety clouds everything? I can't really tell whether what I think is "love" is just actually a longing for her to take my anxiety away by re-affirming that she likes me. Often when I think I "miss" her, I think I'm really just longing for her to make my anxiety go away. And in those rare moments of clarity, when I manage to see my thoughts straight, I don't really feel like I either love her or miss her very much, but when the anxious thoughts return, so do the feelings.

3) How do you make the trade-off between being anxious and being in a relationship with someone you like? If the relationship causes so much anxiety -- again, because of my own thoughts, sometimes triggered by her behavior -- up to what point is it worth it? I don't want my anxiety to be what forces me to break up with someone. It's a "disorder" and I want to win against it, not be subjugated by it.

Thank you for reading so far, it means a lot to me. Sorry for the very lengthy post.

[AmberGbenga]

You seem to suffer with ROCD, it's an obsess thought process towards relationships. Most people here are in loving relationships, I'm personally blessed with my man because he is going through similar things to me and knows how to help. In turn this makes me more able to relax in this relationship because majority of last relationships I've had failed due to my problems.. Continue with self help and therapy perhaps.. Don't put your life on hold because of the disorder.

[ss_worrier]

You seem to suffer with ROCD, it's an obsess thought process towards relationships. Most people here are in loving relationships, I'm personally blessed with my man because he is going through similar things to me and knows how to help. In turn this makes me more able to relax in this relationship because majority of last relationships I've had failed due to my problems.. Continue with self help and therapy perhaps.. Don't put your life on hold because of the disorder.

Thanks a lot for writing back, I really appreciate it. I never even heard of ROCD but some of the symptoms do seem to be the same. I am glad to hear at you and other people here are in loving relationships, that does give me hope. I guess right now I just have a hard time seeing how, as a sufferer from anxiety, I could ever not obsess and have anxious and frightening thoughts around someone I like very much and who is important to me -- that tends to be the common denominator for a lot of people's objects if anxiety, I guess.

Again, thank you!

[AmberGbenga]

This is very true, it will get better if you let it and tar steps towards it

[Enduronman]

One word..

Trust...

You have to offer her all of your trust...

Can you say that you already do?

No.

E-Man..:)

[BlessedMom]

Hi,

It's been a very long time since I posted anything in this forum -- partly because things have been so much better for the past year or so. But lately my anxiety has flared up pretty badly (only writing this sentence makes me feel a little better since it acknowledges that I'm treating it as a "disorder" and not as reality). For me, the strongest and most continuous anxiety has evolved around relationships with the opposite sex. My anxiety initially became a real problem when I was together with my first real long-term girlfriend. We were together for two years, and I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world. But after a while (and with the help of therapy) I realized I was confusing real love and happiness with an ideal image in my head of love and happiness, and the disparity between the two made me very anxious.

Anyway. My new relationship, which is causing me a lot of anxiety, albeit not as bad as I know that it could have been, has made me wonder if it is even possible to be together with someone you're in love with and not be anxious throughout it. I have dated people briefly who I haven't been all too overtly infatuated with, and anxiety-wise, it's been amazing -- I've been able to actually be together with someone I like a fair amount, and not suffer due to the anxiety.

But now, having met a person who I really like very much (at least I think I do -- anxiety always clouds my judgment), I can't seem to make the anxiety stop. All the "usual" thoughts of mine -- her ex's, me not being good enough for her, her not liking me enough, her breaking up with me, her being into other guys, etc -- keep coming just the way they used to years ago with my long-term girlfriend. I know that it's all in my head, and even though I acknowledge that her behavior doesn't exactly alleviate my anxiety, I have no real reasons for most of these thoughts.

This brings me to a few questions which some of you might already have struggled with and may be able to guide me in:

1) Is it even possible to be in a relationship with someone you really like if you suffer from anxiety? Part of the reason I get so anxious is probably that I actually really like this girl, it makes the potential of not being good enough or loosing her so much more frightening. Do I have to live a life without ever being with people I really like, because the anxiety is too hard?

2) How do you tell what your real feelings are when anxiety clouds everything? I can't really tell whether what I think is "love" is just actually a longing for her to take my anxiety away by re-affirming that she likes me. Often when I think I "miss" her, I think I'm really just longing for her to make my anxiety go away. And in those rare moments of clarity, when I manage to see my thoughts straight, I don't really feel like I either love her or miss her very much, but when the anxious thoughts return, so do the feelings.

3) How do you make the trade-off between being anxious and being in a relationship with someone you like? If the relationship causes so much anxiety -- again, because of my own thoughts, sometimes triggered by her behavior -- up to what point is it worth it? I don't want my anxiety to be what forces me to break up with someone. It's a "disorder" and I want to win against it, not be subjugated by it.

Thank you for reading so far, it means a lot to me. Sorry for the very lengthy post.

YES~ it took me a long time to find my husband, mostly because people I dated didn't understand when I needed MY alone time, for days at a time, or why I wasn't the typical girlfriend calling all the time or why I couldn't do certain things when I got locked up with anxiety. But my husband did, and he loved me for me, anxiety and all and its wonderful. He makes me feel so much better! You will find someone that makes you feel great too! Funny fact, I never knew my husband cell phone number until after we were engaged lol

[Anxiouskat]

I have felt the exact same way in a pervious relationship, then he cheated on me and we split up after a year... Not fun at all, threw my anxiety into a tailspin! I am currently talking to someone who works away 3 weeks, and home 3 weeks. He seems very understanding so far and does not want to be a trigger for me. I just responded with the concept that its always difficult for me in the beginning, as I don't take well to change. I can't be alone forever though, I just need someone with enough patients to get through the first few months. So my thoughts are screw it, take anxiety by the horns and show it who's boss. Also if he is patient enough to deal with me through these rough patches he's a keeper :). I'm not sure if I'm just rambling on, or actually answering and questions but that is all for now!

Cheers

[ss_worrier]

I have felt the exact same way in a pervious relationship, then he cheated on me and we split up after a year... Not fun at all, threw my anxiety into a tailspin! I am currently talking to someone who works away 3 weeks, and home 3 weeks. He seems very understanding so far and does not want to be a trigger for me. I just responded with the concept that its always difficult for me in the beginning, as I don't take well to change. I can't be alone forever though, I just need someone with enough patients to get through the first few months. So my thoughts are screw it, take anxiety by the horns and show it who's boss. Also if he is patient enough to deal with me through these rough patches he's a keeper :). I'm not sure if I'm just rambling on, or actually answering and questions but that is all for now!

Cheers

Thank you for writing, you aren't rambling at all! I'm glad you've managed to find someone who is understanding, and I think my current girlfriend potentially could be (I'm sure she would very much want to) be supportive too. It's just that I'm not quite sure what she could possibly do in order to not be a trigger for me since the anxiety is caused by my own thoughts and fears and not really by her. Right now, for example, I just woke up with very bad anxiety caused by thoughts of something bad she did at a time when we were barely even together, and something that she has apologized for and explained. So much of my anxiety concerns the past and I don't see how anyone except for myself could prevent these thoughts and this anxiety from happening.

I do very much like your attitude of taking anxiety by the horns. I manage to do it sometimes and I find that way of thinking to work better than most. Thank you!

[ss_worrier]

YES~ it took me a long time to find my husband, mostly because people I dated didn't understand when I needed MY alone time, for days at a time, or why I wasn't the typical girlfriend calling all the time or why I couldn't do certain things when I got locked up with anxiety. But my husband did, and he loved me for me, anxiety and all and its wonderful. He makes me feel so much better! You will find someone that makes you feel great too! Funny fact, I never knew my husband cell phone number until after we were engaged lol

Glad you managed to find someone who is supportive and understanding. Knowing that they exist really helps! I'm sure my current girlfriend would like to be supportive too. It's just that I'm not sure how to approach it. How do you admit to someone that you have anxious thoughts that evolve around them? It just seems unthinkable to me, I don't see how she wouldn't think that it's just weird and freaky that I keep having anxious thoughts around things that she has told me that she has done in the past, around her ex boyfriends, previous guys she dated right when her and I met (this is a big anxious thought for me). So much of my anxiety evolves around the past, this has always been a prominent feature for me in my anxiety problems. How do you explain that to someone else? Even I find it weird, and I'm the one suffering from it all -- how could I hope for someone else to be understanding and not just think it's freaky? It also feels like something too private, in a way. These thoughts and this anxiety, it's like it's buried so deep within me and something that I'm in a way so ashamed of, I don't see how I could try to explain it to someone who I want only to have positive/admiring thoughts of me.

We have talked about our anxiety problems (she has and has had them too and has even taken meds for them in the past) but I haven't wanted to tell her that I'm still in therapy even, only told her about my past therapist.

So, the only solution I see, since this happens whenever I meet someone I really like (or which things are a little complicated around) is to be with people I'm not that into. Which doesn't seem like a good solution either.

Sometimes this all just feels insane, I can't believe the little things in the past that I cannot control whatsoever anyway haunt me, and like now, prevent me from falling back to sleep after waking up really early and potentially ruining my whole day. I am not looking forward to it. Right now everything is going around and around in my head and I don't have what it takes to make it stop.

[JLBnole68]

Obviously she cares for and trusts you enough to open up and be honest about things in her past. Yeah, I think it would be a very bad move on your part to take that info (which she didn't have to share) and browbeat her with your anxieties or insecurities over it. I'd say it's time to shit or get off the pot. Nobody else can fulfill all your happiness or be your 24/7 security blanket. Do you have any idea how many people out there are lonely and have no one who seemingly gives a damn? Yet here you are with someone who's obviously interested and wants to be with you, yet instead of enjoying the relationship, you're letting all this anxiety bullshit tear you down on the inside. And what will you accomplish? Not a damned thing. Except maybe pushing yourself right out of this relationship. Most people won't hang around forever if you constantly question them or project your anxieties onto them. It gets old. And it's time to shoot straight and stop hiding the fact you're dealing with anxiety or in therapy. You can't expect honesty if you're not willing to give it. I think you can share that you're getting help for anxiety without adding "and you are a big part of my obsession".

[raggamuffin]

I'm waiting till anxiety subsides or is reduced significantly before dating. My therapist said that we attract people in similar situations in life to ourselves. Anxiety makes you feel lost, worry constantly, feel paranoid and often depressed. Is that really qualities a person is looking for in a relationship? I think not, I also don't think it's fair for me to start dating someone when I have anxiety like this.

Sure dating someone is a wonderful feeling but it comes with many downsides for me as well and I think it best to enter a new relationship in a sound state of mind if possible. So i'm happy to wait.

Ed

[BlessedMom]

Glad you managed to find someone who is supportive and understanding. Knowing that they exist really helps! I'm sure my current girlfriend would like to be supportive too. It's just that I'm not sure how to approach it. How do you admit to someone that you have anxious thoughts that evolve around them? It just seems unthinkable to me, I don't see how she wouldn't think that it's just weird and freaky that I keep having anxious thoughts around things that she has told me that she has done in the past, around her ex boyfriends, previous guys she dated right when her and I met (this is a big anxious thought for me). So much of my anxiety evolves around the past, this has always been a prominent feature for me in my anxiety problems. How do you explain that to someone else? Even I find it weird, and I'm the one suffering from it all -- how could I hope for someone else to be understanding and not just think it's freaky? It also feels like something too private, in a way. These thoughts and this anxiety, it's like it's buried so deep within me and something that I'm in a way so ashamed of, I don't see how I could try to explain it to someone who I want only to have positive/admiring thoughts of me.

We have talked about our anxiety problems (she has and has had them too and has even taken meds for them in the past) but I haven't wanted to tell her that I'm still in therapy even, only told her about my past therapist.

So, the only solution I see, since this happens whenever I meet someone I really like (or which things are a little complicated around) is to be with people I'm not that into. Which doesn't seem like a good solution either.

Sometimes this all just feels insane, I can't believe the little things in the past that I cannot control whatsoever anyway haunt me, and like now, prevent me from falling back to sleep after waking up really early and potentially ruining my whole day. I am not looking forward to it. Right now everything is going around and around in my head and I don't have what it takes to make it stop.

What I hear you saying is you are worried she won't think you are perfect and not like you????? Ok, first NO ONE is perfect :) Phew problem solved. j/k You do not have to spill your entire life story or all of your deepest worries but to express to her that you still struggle is not something that should make a potential life partner run from. I do not believe surrounding yourself with people whom you do not really care about is a good use of your time, don't do that. I think its important to be honest with yourself and with her. If you are struggling, express it, you are hiding it like you are in "another relationship" with your anxiety first, and then her. Put her first, anxiety second and see if that helps. I trust it will.

Trust HER to be honest with you whether its what you want to hear or not, its no fun being in a relationship where you have to pretend to be someone you are not. And those types do not have a chance of working out. Upfront and honest is the only way to go!

Have a super day!!!!!! Smile and be awesome like you are :)

[BlessedMom]

I'm waiting till anxiety subsides or is reduced significantly before dating. My therapist said that we attract people in similar situations in life to ourselves. Anxiety makes you feel lost, worry constantly, feel paranoid and often depressed. Is that really qualities a person is looking for in a relationship? I think not, I also don't think it's fair for me to start dating someone when I have anxiety like this.

Sure dating someone is a wonderful feeling but it comes with many downsides for me as well and I think it best to enter a new relationship in a sound state of mind if possible. So i'm happy to wait.

Ed

I can appreciate where you are coming from, I was a complete mess when my husband found me. And he would NOT go away. Even at my lowest lows he picked me up, dealt with my depression, anxiety and every other flaw under the sun. Because the Lord knows I had them all. But he didn't walk away, he didn't run.....so I believe that even if you are trying to avoid a relationship if the right person comes along they will tough it out.....I know its true. I know it can happen. I have days where my anxiety runs me into the ground, where I cannot get a grip...he deals with it. Unlike me the guy has NO IDEA how to worry....can you imagine? I'm jealous of him. He knows its something I cannot control and that its draining so he gives me my space or holds me depending on what I need to get through it. I hope that comes for you too!

[ss_worrier]

What I hear you saying is you are worried she won't think you are perfect and not like you????? Ok, first NO ONE is perfect :) Phew problem solved. j/k You do not have to spill your entire life story or all of your deepest worries but to express to her that you still struggle is not something that should make a potential life partner run from. I do not believe surrounding yourself with people whom you do not really care about is a good use of your time, don't do that. I think its important to be honest with yourself and with her. If you are struggling, express it, you are hiding it like you are in "another relationship" with your anxiety first, and then her. Put her first, anxiety second and see if that helps. I trust it will.

Trust HER to be honest with you whether its what you want to hear or not, its no fun being in a relationship where you have to pretend to be someone you are not. And those types do not have a chance of working out. Upfront and honest is the only way to go!

Have a super day!!!!!! Smile and be awesome like you are :)

thank you :-) I can't believe how many warm, kindhearted and brilliant people there are in this forum. I kept imagining the worst possible outcome of telling her about it, even though she did know from before that I have been in therapy (she doesn't know I still am) and that I had suffered from anxiety issues for several years. Last night when we talked, SHE wanted to talk to me about something that made HER feel insecure with me. Which was 1) a complete surprise -- I couldn't see how someone like her could feel insecure, and 2) gave me a convenient way to bring this up. I simply told her that some aspects of how she is make and what she does make me really anxious, and that it's not about her, but that it was important for me that she know about it. She simply responded by asking me to just tell her whatever she does that makes me anxious, and she would do everything she can to avoid it. As simple as that.

I know that the rest of the talk we had gave me a million possible ways to go all-out in my anxiety today and bring me to my worst possible depths (but gave me even more reasons to the opposite), but much thanks to the encouragement I've received here, I will do what I can to be strong and take it by the horns, fight it instead of simply resigning to it.

[ss_worrier]

I'm waiting till anxiety subsides or is reduced significantly before dating. My therapist said that we attract people in similar situations in life to ourselves. Anxiety makes you feel lost, worry constantly, feel paranoid and often depressed. Is that really qualities a person is looking for in a relationship? I think not, I also don't think it's fair for me to start dating someone when I have anxiety like this.

Sure dating someone is a wonderful feeling but it comes with many downsides for me as well and I think it best to enter a new relationship in a sound state of mind if possible. So i'm happy to wait.

Ed

I know what you mean and I have certainly had times like that too in my life. There is obviously no harm, but very much to gain, in waiting. Sometimes the time simply isn't right. I think (and my therapist tends to agree) that I tend to use dating as a way to try to distract my anxiety -- if I can pin my anxiety onto a relationship, then at least I'll "know" where it is, which creates an illusion of safety.

Sometimes certain things just aren't right for us and waiting even with potentially great things can often be a very good idea!

[ss_worrier]

Obviously she cares for and trusts you enough to open up and be honest about things in her past. Yeah, I think it would be a very bad move on your part to take that info (which she didn't have to share) and browbeat her with your anxieties or insecurities over it. I'd say it's time to shit or get off the pot. Nobody else can fulfill all your happiness or be your 24/7 security blanket. Do you have any idea how many people out there are lonely and have no one who seemingly gives a damn? Yet here you are with someone who's obviously interested and wants to be with you, yet instead of enjoying the relationship, you're letting all this anxiety bullshit tear you down on the inside. And what will you accomplish? Not a damned thing. Except maybe pushing yourself right out of this relationship. Most people won't hang around forever if you constantly question them or project your anxieties onto them. It gets old. And it's time to shoot straight and stop hiding the fact you're dealing with anxiety or in therapy. You can't expect honesty if you're not willing to give it. I think you can share that you're getting help for anxiety without adding "and you are a big part of my obsession".

I really needed to hear this even though it was somewhat of a virtual slap the first time I read it. You are absolutely right and I know I always have the choice of not letting my anxiety ruin it all. It is specifically because it's such a great thing and something I enjoy so much that I'm scared and anxious about loosing it. It really is time for me to start challenging and really putting effort into fighting the anxiety instead of simply resigning to it.