Where do i go from here.

[raggamuffin]

Hello everyone,

Been a while since I posted an update on here. Things seem to be feeling progressively worse. I can't remember exactly how long i've had anxiety now. I think it's nearing 4 years. People who have been here a while probably know the background story. I was a stoner for 7 years, got a panic attack and from them on chest tightness when smoking and around groups of friends. A year later I got another panic attack that lasted over an hour. From then on I got daily anxiety pains.

Fast forward to today and the anxiety pains have been so varied. I Know anxiety can hit any part of the body. I know the logical breakdown behind anxiety like the back of my hand. But I can't seem to apply that logic to my situation any more. I'm tired of just coping with this. Every minute of every hour of every single day I will have an ache or pain or sensation.

Try as I might to ignore it the sensations and pains switch places and go up and down in intensity. Don't invest emotions in it, don't fear them, let them come and go. But for how long? People say the road to recovery is long, but that's only when you seemingly fully accept it's anxiety and do not respond with emotion to the symptoms. How to people fortify their minds so well? I've tried practicing it but there'll always be a time when I doubt it is anxiety. I feel like i've slipped into bad habits.

I'm being honest, i'm not sure how much longer I can cope like this. When there are times where I don't feel much anxiety or anxiety pains, depression knocks me to the ground. I wish I was being melodramatic, but i'm not. I don't have normal days anymore. To even get 30 minutes these days without a pain is nothing short of a miracle.

My parents don't know how bad the anxiety is because i'm not close to any of my family at all. One friend knows how bad the anxiety gets and is terrified it's not anxiety and is telling me I need to visit other Dr's until I get all the suitable tests done. She doesn't accept the 10+ GP's and Dr's in hospitals are correct. She herself is an anxiety sufferer but cannot believe the pains I get can be anxiety when her or any of her friends who have anxiety have ever experienced anywhere near the amount of symptoms I have.

Every single day I lose count of the amount of pains that come and go. I know the anxiety symptom list, I also knoww that I get battered by symptoms every waking hour. I don't know what to do anymore. Dr's want me on medication, my CBT therapist is convinced there's nothing more she can teach me. Since I know all the logic behind the anxiety and need to put it into practice. She scolded me for considering medication. Dr's and GP's can't agreee on what option is best to fight this and i'm left totally confused, alone and on the verge of giving up entirely.

This isn't a life I want to live. it doesn't feel like living. It's not even coping or surviving anymore. I don't want to keep feeling these pains day in day out. Every passing day I feel like more and more is chipped away from me and i'm about ready to throw in the towel. Nobody except my friend knows how bad the depression and desparation is taking hold of me at this point.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Xmas day dinner with everyone talking and me listening I realize time and time again I have no connection or similarity to my family. They're nice people but I don't belong. Heavy head and bad headache coming and going multiple times a moinute all day, severe dizziness around the family. Severe nausea after dinner was over for the rest of the night. Terrible chest pains and lower left rib pains coming and going all day. A constant lump in the throat feeling for several years, sometimes feeling choking and hard to swallow. Shoulder pains and back pains sporadically throughout the day/. That was one day, yesterday. Today the symptoms change yet again. I can't cope with this.

I work in a job I hate with manager's who don't want me taking any more sick days off unless it's an emergency. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, I live with a family I can't connect with, understand or appreciate. I have no social life and severe social anxiety when out in groups of people. I get pains every hour of every day. I'm convinced that one day this amount of stress and depression will result in a heart attack..paired with ym dad's heart attacks, bad diet, lack of exercise and the fact I smoked for 7 years. I know...nobody can predict the future. But 6 ways that increase your chance of a heart attack. Recent study published last week alone said 35% increased risk of heart attack and disease from a lot of stress. I'm not sure if I do fear these pains anymore. I'm by no means indifferent to them or fully allowing them to come and go. It's just reaching a point of despair. A point in which I don't think I can go much further.

I think my GP's is open tomorrow. I'm going to go there and just pour my heart out...like i've done so many times before. Only to have some rudimentry tests. listen to my heart rate or check my blood pressure "you're fine, it's anxiety. Take these drugs and come back in a month to see how you're doing".

What's the fucking point.

Ed

[kingmemphis]

Hey man,

Hang in there, there a lot of us with similar issues. It might take time but in the end you will be glad and so proud of yourself. You don't know it but this will make you stronger. If all these doctors saying it anxiety then it must be anxiety but if your not sure confirm again with your doc.

Try connecting with your family & friends who you can talk to about your issues, talking to someone can be therapeutic. Review your lifestyle, eating habits and try getting some exercise in to your routine and also cut off caffeine out of your diet & order some chamomile tea it helps you relax.

All this is of top of my head bro if you need more info there are lots posts about this in forum or go search on google. Hope this helps and wish you good luck with your journey to recovery.

Memphis

[raggamuffin]

Thank you for the reply. Whenevr I try talking to my family or people in general it leaves me feeling very frustrated, misunderstood, confused and more anxkious. I mainly speak to people online and things they say, even unintentionally can leave me overwhelmed witrh dperession, anxiety or even a panic attack within a matter of seconds. It actually feels dangerous and foolhardy to speak to people these days given how quickly it can trigger these issues.

I've confirmed with every Dr at the surgery it's anxiety. I've had ECG/EKG's, blood tests, BP checks, chest xrays. There isn't really anything more that should need testing. But it's reaching a point now where my body feels utterly exhausted from 3.5+ years of constant barrage of pains.

I've tried radically changing my diet but it's expensive undertaking a healthy diet full of whlefoods, fruit, veg and cutting out the processed crap. We live in a society where the cheapest foods are the mass produced, nutiornally defunct "foods".

As for exercise.I tend to go out most weekends or free days with my camera for an hour or so walking. It can often wind up wuith terrible chest pains and pending anxiety attacks. Sometimes they're full blown, other times they're simply on the edge of me spilling over into a full blown attack but they don't get there. A year or so ago I used to do road cycling but that left me with utterly crippling chest pains too. I know that raised heart rate can cause heightened anxiety as your brain will probably correlate a raised heart rate with danger, or fight or flight response and everything is so on edge and wound up anywayb that a symptom as simple as your heart rate going up will cause a full blown episode.

But again, that's all the logic and science behind how anxiety and the fight or flight response works. But I can't seem to encorporate it fully into my day to day anymore

Ed

[somedude]

Very, very similar story to me. I smoked for about 3-4 years. I had panic attacks before, and after the first one I didnt mind them. Then, I had a really bad one, and thats when everything started. Just as you say, random pain and sensation at times. Lack of exercise, social anxiety, ect. Its just a lot of stress, and its so bad at night, to where I just cant even fall asleep. Like now.

I've been like this for 2 years now,ever since october of 2011. I'm not sure exactly what caused my anxiety, but its been here. Its gotten better, sort of. I have good days and bad days. The bad days two years ago, were really bad though. I guess its improvement, but man, its so slowly.

Went to a bunch of doctors and the ER in 2011-2012 fearing the worst. Had a lot of test done..nothing.

How, I thought. How can it be nothing. I'm obviously feeling something.

I take no meds. Refuse to take drugs that wont really solve my problem, that I'll have to take for years. I cut the smoking down ALOT. I smoke maybe 2-3 times a month. Some months not at all.
I've been eating better, and trying my best to be active. Even if its just a short walk. I'll do something.

All I can say is you arent alone man. I wish I had an answer, I think we all with we had THE answer. There are theories, and methods that have helped others. We know anxiety is all a mind game, but physical symptoms are hard to ignore sometimes.

[raggamuffin]

I think a panic attack removes the safety from within yourself/. It's all very well being somewhere you might not feel safe like a dark alleyway at night but when the sense of safety from within your own mind and body is removed then everything can seem like a danger. Not sure why our first attacks didn't bring on the removal of safety. but I know for sure after my second I slipped into bad habits. The chest tightness from the day before when I had my attack was there from when i woke up. So i started googling and within an hour I was terrified of heart issues. A week or so later I wind up going to hospital because of the chest pains. Wind up in ER emergency ward after having a panic attack in the entrance of the hospital.

First time I quit smoking after the 2nd panic attack I lasted 6 months before smoking weed again for about a year. To this day I still miss the sensation of being stoned but I know it was always all or nothing when it came to weed with me and regulating it was never something I could do for any prolonged period. I refuse drugs myself as I know they only mask anxiety and don't deal with root causes. I get wh yDr's think that enough time without anxiety might make us forget about it or adapt to living normally again so that we can then be slowly taken off them. But in practice i'm not entirely sure how successful it is.

But I just feel like i've run out of options. Now it's just pains dayb in and day out. As you said you can have good times and bad. But I feel like i've sunk into a low for a great many months now. There were months when I did feel much better regardless of the hourly pains. But I feel like I've slipped back quite a bit now in terms of general mood which will of course affect the amount of pains I get.

Ed

[AmberGbenga]

I've suffered with severe anxiety for a whole.. Wow 4 weeks. But I suffer with PTSD, OCD anxiety and depression for about 4 years now, only recently have I been known for full blown panic attacks etc. and already I'm ready to throw in the towel. This can either go 2 ways.. Utter breakdown.. Or the road to success.. The road is long my friend. It's going to be hard with alot of bumps.. This overwhelms me.. As it would for many others. Take one step at a time, go to your doc tell them everything then say.. I'm ready to get better. CBT is great to help you understand the disorder, the bodies reaction, triggers etc.. But maybe what you need is therapy.. Traumatic events, even if you feel like they are no big deal.. Can push you over.. For example my father dying.. I was upset but I didn't think it would destroy me.. But sure enough it sent me over and now I suffer with sever anxiety. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance in which case medication will help. Do positive. I agree, healthy eating is hard.. Financially and will power. Try a happy medium, shops around. I find fruit and veg shops are cheap and have good product. Butchers are generally cheaper than supermarkets also.. Prepare your meals for the week one day so it's stress free and your eating healthy.. Have one day a week as a 'cheat day' and eat whatever the fuck you want. Excersize is IMPORTANT!!!!! Espesh for us anxiety sufferers.. Take it one step at a time. Go for a 10 min walk, then 20, 30 etc.. Start riding again, gym etc all in good time.. 10mins shouldn't overly stress your body therefore it will get used to it.. Then you can go that bit further next time until before you know it, your back to your old ways. Meditation.. Is good too, you need to relax.. This is important in everyone's day to day lives.. Take a long hot shower.. Release your worries just for that moment.. Concentrate on the water running down your body.. The smell of your body wash.. Etc tea is good, lots of water is really good. You can get through this.. And I'm really needing to take my own advice here because I'm about to take the same journey as you friend.. Although our circumstances are different, we have different goals etc.. Really we both want a normal life, and to get better and stronger.

[somedude]

I did the same thing you did. I felt the chest pains and sensations and googled, and ended up in the ER.

The biggest problem is that Anxiety has symptoms that are similar to other issues. So in reality, we aren't wrong for being concerned, because what are we to think? Obviously, a doctor can tell you there is no problem, but you're the one who feels different, not him. So what else are you to think other than something must be wrong.
Anxiety has always confused me in this way. There are times I dont feel the fear, or pain, I dont even think about anxiety. Yet, when there are symptoms present, they are all symptoms of anxiety, since anxiety has so many symptoms itself.

Dont give it bro. You're still able to realize what anxiety is, and you understand how it can effect you. I know how bad it gets, I've been there, but I also know I'm determined to beat it.

[raggamuffin]

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone. It does need to be done in stages. I guess I get so caught up in planning it all na dwhat to do and where to go on the road to recovery that often I get overewhelmed with what neewdsdoing. Hoping I can take on many small tasks at the same time and often slip up, or slip back into bad habits or just get utterly overwhelmed with depression that I can't be bothered with any of them. But I know just allowing it all to happen adn not being pro-active in changing it won't exactly bring about a cure for me.

I know the causes of stress recently that has caused me to plummet into a lot of despair and further anxiety. I know how to avoid the stresses now and I guess it's just dealing with the fallout of it all. You have a very stressful and anxious issue or moent that can wind up affecting you phsycially for a lot longer than the kinitial trauma itself lasted.

Onwards and upwards I suppose. Got time off at the moment for xmas. I just need to keep busy I suppose. Too much free time can be a curse if you're left to wallow or get consumed in over thinking...especially when it's negative. Cano't afford any healthy changes in diet at the moment but I guess I can see to drinking plenty of water and going out taking more photos on the days I have off to get some fresh air and exercise.

Ed

[raggamuffin]

Thank you for the in depth response. It is strange how the symptoms can make us so fearful of death and yet so utterly exhausted from it all that, as you said, if you died tomorrow you would not care. I think your estimate of the amounts of different pains and sesnations sounds so similar to mine. I remember when I went to visit a chiropractor regarding chest pain and the mention of costochondritis came about. On the inital form i had to fill out was a diagram of the human body and to highlight which areas hurt. She was shocked that I'd literally coloured in the whole body except the hands and feet. No need to apologize the post isn't all over the place at all. I'm truly sorry the dizziness and symptoms are getting that bad.

You mentioned benzos several times. I've only ever tried that branch of medication once. I had a panic attack waiting for the Dr and when I met him I was struggling with my breathing, tight chest and visibly trembling. I was given the usual course of medications - an SSRI, Beta Blocker and 5mg of benzos. I never took the pills long enough to really have an effect...but again GP's disagree with time scales. For anxiety Dr's always said 4-6 weeks minimum. My most recent GP said a couple of days for anxiety but the 4-6 weeks would be for depression. I think I lasted 3 or 4 weeks on 10mg citalopram I believe. Beta blockers I rarely took as I was afraid of them, same with benzos. I had a bad panic attack once before and took all 3 and felt better. Burt times I tired the benzos after never curbed the panic attack.

The first time was taken on the advice of a Gp who I rang and spoke to and he calmed me down before taking the medication. But you're right about so many points. My therapist doesn't feel helpful at all...my Dr's really need a defined, one minded approach. My most trusted Dr is totally against medication for anxiety and that point stuck with me for a long time. it seems silly that all the other Dr's wanted me to try medication and yet he didn't. I'm not sure why I listened to him more than other people. There's many success stories for people who did a course of medication; reduced their anxiety and came off them afterwards.

The last doctor to give me SSRI's said it needs to be paired with therapy and work on reducing the stresses in my life. But that's the thing. The debt is coming down month by month. once dealt with i plan on saving my money, quitting my job and following my art and photography. Sure I might not make a career out of it. but I can't help but want to try and make a living from something I love. If it fails? So what? I'll join a job agency and get another job. Once out of debt I can focus on eating better too.

But only one GP ever prescribed me benzos and in such a small dose. He said they were only for panic attacks. Other GP's have been hesitant or outright refused to prescribe me any even when I told them that beta blockers did nothing for my panic attacks when they occured. It always seems to focus around SSRI's, which, granted I haven't taken long enough to know which might help and which doesn't. I guess I just need to have a full and frank discussion with my Doctor. I will avoid my most trusted doctor to be honest. Feels somewhat embaressing to go back there time and time again, be offered prescriptions for drugs which often I don't even bother picking up.

From your experience, what woudl you recommend? St Johns Wort is more of the homeopathic route isn't it? I know there's so many natural alternatives out there and often the prescription based meds have lots of side effects. I guess that whilst many Dr's might agree on the udse of medication...there's so many out there that it can take a long time to work out what's best for each person.

Thank again though for the in depth reply, it's much appreciated.

Ed

[acetone]

Try meds dude. Drugs are for helping people not messing with their mind. SSRIs, beta blockers and benzodiazepines are all great meds for anxiety. You need to stick with SSRIs for a while for them to work. Benzos stop panic attacks right in their tracks. The beta blockers help with pins and needles sensation and racing heartbeat.

[raggamuffin]

Got just under a months worth of citalopram form last time I tried them. They're in date and i've also got a repeat prescription waiting at the pharmacy. I'll stick it out for the 6-7 weeks. See how I fair and take things from there afterwards.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply

Ed

[Applecherry]

It sounds like you are unhappy with your job, your social life, not feeling close to your family etc.. that's what is causing your anxiety. It would go away, once you began to feel more satisfied with things the way they are. but change, unfortunately doesn't happen over night. The only thing you can do is take baby steps day by day, work on doing things you enjoy, even if you don't feel like doing anything, just rack your brain and think of something you once enjoyed doing, force yourself to do it, and it will relax you for a little while. Do this once a day..it helps so much.

While I don't struggle with aches and pains from anxiety, I get depersonization, that is how anxiety manifests itself for me, since I am not fearful of bodily reactions such as racing heart, numbness and tingling, so anxiety will find a way to get you one way or another..because you need something to make you scared and uncomfortable in order to be safe. Anxiety is meant to help us, and protect us, but yeah, sorry for rambling.

Don't worry about the attacks themselves, worry about what is causing them! It's not the chemical imbalance, or that you're crazy or anything else, it's STRESS, you need to find something in life to fulfill you more, whether it's a better job, finding a significant other, whatever it is, work on finding it, that will slowly day by day, chip that anxiety away, so you can live again.

[raggamuffin]

I'm working on getting out of debt then a career change will be looked into mid next year. I won't date anyone till my anxiety is mroe udner control. it's not fair dating someone new when you're not in a sound state of mind in my opinion. As for socializing, ever since I was a kid we've never been very social as a family. only ever saw friends from school 2 or 3 times a year. So i'm used to not being social. It's the other things which are causing a lot more stress I believe. but they can be overcome and improved upon in time.

Ed