Hope43
12-22-2013, 01:24 PM
I need to let this feeling of anxiety out so I came here. My anxiety today has sky rocket. It's in full bloom. I needed to take a Xanax five minutes ago so hoping that I could feel a little better. This is the time of the year where I have to choose between feeling extremely depressed or extremely anxious/ slight depress. I always travel to my home country for Christmas. If I stay in NY I get extremely depress, miserable and unhappy. I don't have where to go b/c my family is not here. I'm by myself. My very few friends are very busy celebrating with their families so the choice is spending it alone. My mind then would go to thoughts about how lonely I would be, I would be crying and I would feel that I'm the only person who is feeling like this, so pathetic of me. I would go to the mode of poor me, and I would blame myself for been in that situation.
On the other hand, I decided to spend the Holidays with my family, but here is the tricky part. Because I'm feeling depress is hard for me to enjoy the time I spend with friends and family. I always have to drag my self out of bed and put on a happy face so my family doesn't see how I feel. Sometimes when it gets very overwhelming I confide on my mother but she gets upset that I need to do something about it and I can't stay home. I always stay with her when I visit. She also suffer from anxiety and depression and when she gets upset she can be a little mean with words and her facial expressions show me how disappointed she is with me when I'm not doing something she consider there's a right way to do it.
Her and I has always have had a strenuous relationship and lately for me has become a little harder to be patient with her and I try to avoid her. I feel so guilty because of this and because what I feel is anger towards her. I think I blame her b/c the time I spend with her triggers my anxiety to a high level. Lately when I'm with her I try to be civil and not react but I get to the point that I feel so anxious and sad that I have this ours bust of crying so hard and so much so I gave her fake explanations of why I'm crying. I have noticed that I have become more sensitive around her and I don't have the same tolerance.
I come from a dysfunctional family plague with issues of mental illnesses, alcohol abuse, rejection, neglect and b/c of that it has been hard to connect with each other.
Family reunions are hard because I have to put this facade that I'm a mature single successful woman every time people ask me when in fact this year I have never feel so disappointed with my life as of right now. I'm been dealing with a lot of mix feelings about my status as a woman, my career, my love life, hating NY. I been feeling helpless and irritable to the point that I'm thinking of checking my self in in a mental facility with the blessing of my Dr. I just need a break from life. Sorry if this is too long but I needed to vent.
On the other hand, I decided to spend the Holidays with my family, but here is the tricky part. Because I'm feeling depress is hard for me to enjoy the time I spend with friends and family. I always have to drag my self out of bed and put on a happy face so my family doesn't see how I feel. Sometimes when it gets very overwhelming I confide on my mother but she gets upset that I need to do something about it and I can't stay home. I always stay with her when I visit. She also suffer from anxiety and depression and when she gets upset she can be a little mean with words and her facial expressions show me how disappointed she is with me when I'm not doing something she consider there's a right way to do it.
Her and I has always have had a strenuous relationship and lately for me has become a little harder to be patient with her and I try to avoid her. I feel so guilty because of this and because what I feel is anger towards her. I think I blame her b/c the time I spend with her triggers my anxiety to a high level. Lately when I'm with her I try to be civil and not react but I get to the point that I feel so anxious and sad that I have this ours bust of crying so hard and so much so I gave her fake explanations of why I'm crying. I have noticed that I have become more sensitive around her and I don't have the same tolerance.
I come from a dysfunctional family plague with issues of mental illnesses, alcohol abuse, rejection, neglect and b/c of that it has been hard to connect with each other.
Family reunions are hard because I have to put this facade that I'm a mature single successful woman every time people ask me when in fact this year I have never feel so disappointed with my life as of right now. I'm been dealing with a lot of mix feelings about my status as a woman, my career, my love life, hating NY. I been feeling helpless and irritable to the point that I'm thinking of checking my self in in a mental facility with the blessing of my Dr. I just need a break from life. Sorry if this is too long but I needed to vent.