New here and struggling with obsessive thoughts and anxiety (looong)

[ViolettaValery]

Hi, everyone ... I'm new here and am hoping desperately to talk to someone who might have some insight for me and knows where i'm coming from.

I've had OCD my entire adult life, which has mostly been totally controlled by SSRIs. I was married for 10 years and am the mother of three young children. In June, my husband announced he was leaving me for a co-worker, and moved out immediately. It was awful and devastating, though a strong support network of family and friends got me through it.

I had been taking Lexapro for many years, then switched to Prozac when I got pregnant with my oldest, as it was considered safer. Both worked very well for me, and I remained on Prozac until I started dating again, when I discovered the sexual side effects were no longer tolerable for me. My doctor suggested I try Lexapro again, but I immediately had the same issues, and insisted on trying Luvox. (Though my mom warned me that it had "made her psycho.")

In September, I began dating a wonderful man (also a divorcee and a parent). We are incredibly compatible and make each other incredibly happy. I adore his son, and he loves my kids too.

However, my OCD has been spinning out of control. I don't know if it's my new situation in life or the Luvox, but I have been TERRIFIED that this wonderful man might secretly be "interested" in my children. Let me be clear: He has given me ZERO reason to think this. He acts and plays with my kids like their own father and my friends' husbands do. His own son is a sweet, polite, apparently very well-adjusted child. My kids adore both of them.

I think this intrusive thought has several roots:

* My mom had these same fears when she was a single mom, and my stepdad was aware of it. He was a good man and tried to be a good dad, but I'm almost 40 and I don't think he's hugged me to this day. I have no idea what a normal stepparent/stepchild relationship looks like.
* My intrusive thoughts when I was younger often included very disturbing mental images of children being hurt sexually. (No, I was never molested, to my knowledge.)
* Ending up with a man who had an abnormal attraction to children was a longtime fear of mine, even before I was married. I remember looking up men I dated on the state sex offender registry.

So, now, this wonderful, thoughtful man I'm dating is terribly distressed that I'm such an anxious mess right now, and wishes I could tell him what is upsetting him so much. The most I've been able to bring myself to tell him is that "I'm afraid I'll never be able to reassure myself that my children are safe."

My psych has just put me back on the Lexapro, which I'm hoping desperately will resolve this soon, and in the meantime, has also given me Ativan for when I'm really falling apart.

I think the part that's the hardest for me to cope with is the fear that I'll feel like this FOREVER, because it's not something you can 100 percent rule out. I mean, my mom, who also has OCD, talks about once being afraid to touch the TV, because there was a program about AIDS on. She was convinced she could catch AIDS from touching it ... and I mean, that's something you can say with absolute certainly WILL NOT HAPPEN. My fear is always a possiblity ... even if it's a very very very remote one.

Does anyone have any advice? I am so afraid that my OCD is going to destroy a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man.

[trinidiva]

I think you definitely have a valid fear which was probably instilled in you from a young age, probably from your mom.
While this is something that you definitely want to keep your eyes open for, you can't let it overtake your life. That's where you cross the line into obsessive thoughts. I think talking to a licensed counselor or therapist may be extremely helpful. For extreme cases of OCD, a small prescription for an SSRI could help.

[artaud]

Hi, everyone ... I'm new here...I've had OCD my entire adult life, which has mostly been totally controlled by SSRIs....I began dating a wonderful man (also a divorcee and a parent). We are incredibly compatible and make each other incredibly happy. I adore his son, and he loves my kids too....but I have been TERRIFIED that this wonderful man might secretly be "interested" in my children...He has given me ZERO reason to think this...

I have no idea what a normal stepparent/stepchild relationship looks like....when I was younger often included very disturbing mental images of children being hurt sexually....Ending up with a man who had an abnormal attraction to children was a longtime fear of mine, even before I was married....

So, now, this wonderful, thoughtful man I'm dating is terribly distressed that I'm such an anxious mess right now, and wishes I could tell him what is upsetting him so much. The most I've been able to bring myself to tell him is that "I'm afraid I'll never be able to reassure myself that my children are safe."

My psych has just put me back on the Lexapro...has also given me Ativan...

Does anyone have any advice? I am so afraid that my OCD is going to destroy a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man.

Welcome, I'm sure there are people here with advice.

You haven't mentioned your children's age or sex. I am conjecturing that they are young women in mid to late teens. I have a coworker that's step-father, he is a religious man, but his step-daughter apparently dressed scantily around him, as may be more normal in a household with the original parents. He apparently tried to address this verbally with his new wife and step-daughter, to no avail. So, he came into the living room one day, dressed only in his underwear, and sat on the couch, (not sitting next to his step-daughter). She finally took the hint, she dressed more conservatively from that point on. More conservatively doesn't mean dressed like an Amish woman, just not wearing bed clothes while in the company of others, especially of the opposite sex.

Most men, decent men, realize the difference between right and wrong, decency and indecency, and respect the sanctity of children. Most men deplore anyone that would exploit children. You have acknowledged your OCD, that's a start, it's better than trying to convince others that your views are always objective. I'd be vigilant, I see nothing wrong with that, but not hypervigilant.

My cousin had a Doberman Pinscher. One day his friend was over at his house, and his friend was innocently wrestling with his mid-teen daughter. My cousin had previously warned him not to do that, and predictably the dog attacked the friend, perceiving the play as serious. Thankfully, nothing serious was done. Perception has a lot to do with action.

My daughter-in-law and other relatives were visiting one day, and she, myself, and a brother-in-law were sitting on a yard swing. My brother-in-law drinks (I don't), and as he was talking, he planted his hand on her leg above the knee. She seemed oblivious, she's naive (or was at that time) so I reached over and removed his hand. A short time later, he landed it again, and I grabbed it and threw it. He got up and walked away. Yet this was not necessarily a sexual gesture, at least brief touching in safe places need not be. Men often, even in industry, put their hands on other men while talking, sometimes on the knee, shoulder, arm, or back.

Trust but verify, as the Cold War slogan went. Make sure your daughters (if applicable) dress as they would around your other friends and male relatives. Make sure that no suggestive speech occurs (from your boyfriend to daughters), and watch for prolonged physical contact or contact with inappropriate places. Girls, from my experience, rehearse flirting on men, I've seen it around others, a well adjusted man will just let it go, not play into it.

I hope this doesn't build into your fears, it was not meant to. He sounds like a great guy that would not do anything towards your children. Remember you are lamenting the lack of contact from your own step-father, playful and meaningful emotional contact (consoling someone, congratulating someone, playing) doesn't equate into sexual contact.

[ViolettaValery]

Thank you, ArtAud, for your thoughts. My kids are much younger -- two boys and a girl, from 2 to 6.

[artaud]

Thank you, ArtAud, for your thoughts. My kids are much younger -- two boys and a girl, from 2 to 6.

That would ease my mind even more. Thanks for the response.