Finding comfort in Pain?

[Anxious Abi]

I know everyone has different ways to, and reasons for, self harming. I wont get into why, but I haven't 'cut' for over three years now, not to say I haven't found ways to sate the need. Snapping elastics on my wrists, ice cubes on sensitive skin, and yes occasional bouts of pinching et cetera, also found out that my nasty skin picking habit is a form of self harm, so really I never stopped self harming...
Anyways getting to my question, I want to know why, why when I see a blade am I attracted to it like a moth to a flame? Why does hurting myself make me feel better, hypnotized almost? I feel at home when I am hurting myself, comforted by the pain, satisfied with a bruise. Maybe it's all about self-loathing, I don't know, I'm sure there's a bunch of psycho babble that explains it all. If anybody has similar experiences or some insight I would love to read it.

[Ponder]

Hi Anxious Abi,
I used to punch myself in the head and smash it against brick walls. Does that count as self harm? LOL ... of course it does! Like you said we all have are own ways to hurt ourselves. Cutting is like a cult - club - group - and it can be personal as well! My daughter cuts and she can cut deep- she also used to die her hair black and call herself a Memo or something like that - take photos and do selfies to glorify it too.

Why do we hurt ourselves ... good question. There is nothing comftable about pain. Perhaps one can say it one type of pain may momentarily mask another, but lets not pretend it's comftable.

For me, I ussually hurt myself because it's better than hurting someone else. People like to hurt each other, so I thinks to myself, what better way, than to rob someone else of doing it to me, than doing it to myself. Prisoners will typically fall into this pattern...Fear will make us do a lot of things. I think FEAR is top of the list as to why we hurt ourselves. Attention is also high on the list too. I'll do it as I know my daughter does it for attention too. Having cut mark visible on the lower arms may make one distinct as a "Cutter" - Just as having slash marks across the wrist will show "Hi I'm suicidal" like someone who has tattoos all over the lip, eys, face is "Hi I dare to be different"

If your self harm is not so visible - but more a private passion in which only the individual shares with themself, then I guess it's more a compulsion disorder tied with a deep sense of guilt and shame, however I would dar to say this would be obvious appearance with both dress, culture and body language. People make out like, "Oh I never noticed - She was such a quiet child Oh she never showed any sign...bla bla bla ..." That pisses me of, because the truth is - people don't look for the signs, they are too fucking busy looking at themselves! People are too busy trying to be bigger and better to fucking notice. My daughter knows she is loved, but struggles to fit in the world. It's why she left school as young as I did. The world is a cruel place ... that is all I can say on that ... srry to feel so upset with that. Again - my daughter will smile and let me in some, but it's that fucking world out there that holds her and other kids back - and that really really pisses me off!

In summery, we do it for attention because we are lonely, lost but want others to know, we do it because we don't know what else to do, we do it so that others dont, we do it because we feel worthless and know not what else to do, and we also do it because others are doing it and tells others who we are.

Each to their own - I don't do so much now, but if I was triggered with say police, there is a good chance I will resort to such a thing in whatever form - it's all the same weather a blade or brick wall - however at it's deepest level - it's a desperate act, by desperate people.

Again - this comes from someone that self harms, and sees in not only in my daughter but most people that do it. The world is largely on a path of self destruction, however society is in denial, therefore is it any wonder - some of us mask one pain with another.

It's like digging a whole and having others put you in it with their judgements and despise for bring it to their attention. That alone is sad enough, however I would note, that is reason not to do it, as not only are others quick to bury you - that fact that they are, makes it their problem - NOT MINE!

Let it go - It may return as the seed is deep with me - however It's so much easier not to suffer so needlessly. Why give others your misery, when you can leave them with their own - just by letting go. I dont know!

That's my rant ...

[Anxious Abi]

Interesting perspective.
It's good to rant sometimes..

I was wondering if maybe personally I have some kind of fixation with the sensations, as that tends to be more the focus for myself. The sight of the blade, how cold it feels, how hot the skin feels after, the blood, it's like I said, almost like it hypnotizes me.

Anyway i'm sure with more CBT I can work on it, what ever the reason behind it.

G'Night.

[Ponder]

For sure - I understand that and Yes. Once it becomes a behavioural pattern and or coping mechanism, such sensations deepen as too the sensitivity in looking for more of them. That is to say - if such an activity is drawn up to experience such sensations, then I can understand when you break it down like that. However, no matter how such an activity may be intellectualized - imo, the end result is unhealthy, and rates as a desperate act by a desperate person.

If my daughter wishes to continue cutting herself, I will offer her a scalpel blade, disinfectant, bandages and a digital recorder. But instead of telling her to record the sensual appeal off cutting flesh, I would best advice her to record her thoughts and what it is, within those that drive her into such a self destructive activity.

The fixation itself in all that I do, is nothing more than a deception to hide from my inner self. I could romance with a rope in my shed - the sensation of wrapping it around my neck - the texture against my skin and the force at which I will apply it Vs my intention Vs my Shame and so on.

Of course that is rather extreme and I would highly recommend that we do not romance with such self destruction, none the less - it is better to seek out help and identify why it is that we toy like so rather than delve into the addictive nature that such can become.

Forgive me - I can not but help share on this as I am currently feeling rather self destructive myself. I could go grab a kitchen knife and slice across my arm to give this post more meaning for myself - I am a very passionate guy, but why kid ourselves - doing such a thing is a Sickness - it's unbalanced and should never be glorified as it so commonly is. We no longer live in a world where natives cut themselves to become blood brothers or for some other great meaning - the world has lost any kind of meaning and therein lay an Irony of sorts - that those that cut this day and age, do so to experience something, as opposed to nothing!

I talk too much and am really procrastinating from cleaning more rooms in the house - none the less, it's good for me to talk - FIXATION - I get it ... indeed ... the fear of letting go and the angst of what will come if we only just do whatever makes us feel that little bit of whatever. Pin prick - lighter burn - burning wax - pulling hair - clicking jaw - grinding teeth -

For me - it's the brain thinking thinking thinking thinking - rationalizing - and so on - the minds addiction to fixation itself - to feel when feeling is gone - to create sensations that sensationalize - to fritz the mind - to encompass and hide.

I hope you sleep well - I best go make a post of my own. Best of luck finding whatever it is your looking for. Thanks for the topic.