why I have nothing to say to some people

[AnxBoy]

Hi,
so I'd like to get answers for something that has bothered me for the longest of time.
I know that I am socially awkward in some situations, but I've always wondered why when I'm in a conversation with some people I never have anything to say.

I used to be really shy when I was younger, I've largely managed to overcome it. I'm not afraid to meet new people, or talk to to strangers; I don't have a confidence issue. Also I really enjoy being with other people, I'm outgoing and I like going out to be with my friends.

But I find that I just can't connect with some people. I had to change universities and I've met lots of new people. There are many people I get along with, some who I want to be my friends and others whom I like being around. Now, with the people I've engaged with, here's my problem: They are really interested in having a good friendship with me; they ask about me, they're there for me when I need someone, they've invited me to experience all sorts of new things (not drugs or anything of the sort, but showing me my new city for example). I honestly think they are really good people, and they are the people I want to be my friends. But I feel as if it's them that do all the effort, whereas I don't. They're ready to converse and connect, but I feel as if I can't; and when I do try the conversation is not so fluid. I don't know if it's an incompatibility thing, because then I'm incompatible with every human in the world because it happens with everyone. I get along slightly better with girls than boys, perhaps because I'm attracted to boys.

There are others as well whom I'd like to know better, and I get the feeling is the same for me given their enthusiasm everytime we see each other. But as the conversation continues it's as if I honestly have nothing to say. There's tons I have to share, but I have a mental block in my brain. If they're not a naturally talkative person to drive the conversation, then the conversation is as awkward as talking to someone who only understands half your language.

This is my biggest problem, in that I have managed to fight through all this shyness and anxiety, and when I go out there to socialise with others, the conversations just don't flow. There are many times when I just say to myself 'I have nothing to say'; but then they leave and I have so much to say. By the way, with alcohol in my system I'm excellent in conversation (so I've been told), but I don't want to drink to converse 'normally'.

Something else to note is that I seem to not share the same sense of humour as everyone else. Very often I listen to the same joke with someone else, and it is likely that what find funny in the joke is not the same thing.
Also, when I'm telling a story, I am terrible. I just don't seem to be able to captivate an audience. So when I'out with others, I'll choose not to 'tell stories', but I still want to be able to communicate.

Can anyone help me?

[Enduronman]

Why do you choose to hide and conceal who you are, to most people?

Why don't you reveal, who AnxBoy is?

What are you hiding, and why?....

Do you "think" you're inadequate? If so, why?....


You're keeping the doorway to your inner soul, mind, thoughts, closed..Why?


E.

[JustAnotherMe]

Hey Anxboy,

Some points thrown out there, apologies if not as structured as normal, it's been a VERY long day and I'm ill as hell.

Different people have different social roles in a group. This is to to say you can't tell a story and be the centre of attention but certain personality types are suited to being the centre of attention. A hard thing for me to realise is that there is nothing wrong with being quiet in a social situation, there's no point in me blurting out random crap for no reason. As long as you can accept who you are and the situation are you in. Some people are more reactive than proactive.

On the flip side, if you're sitting there in a social situation and thinking " i wish I said that" then challenge yourself to do so. Right there and then. Most of the time you'll fine you really should have just said what you were thinking, than just spending ages thinking it and not saying it . It's hard to do and sometimes it won't work but more often than not it will and that helps build confidence.

Finally, do you feel it's better/worse in certain social situations? 1v1? large groups? Noisy areas?
Identify your strengths and weaknesses and build from there.

[Lee Grant Irons]

Very good points everyone. I think Eman made a good point about revealing yourself. If you are a boy and you are more attracted to boys than girls, but you have not told anyone, this can lead to lots of social awkwardness. You will likely find yourself more able to talk once you have revealed this part of yourself to the people who you know. You must also feel safe when doing this, so seek out a group or a forum at your university that can help you with this transition. There are people who have gone there before you who can help. JuestAnotherMe also made a good point that you don't have to be the same as other people in the group. Do some learning about yourself and experiment with the kind of conversationalist you are. There are some people that I highly respect who don;t say anything until everyone else has said their peace. Then they say something, and everyone is just in awe of how wise they are. You also might be better at body language than spoken language. Responding to conversation with your body let's people know you are paying attention. Many people will walk away from a conversation thinking you are a great conversationalist, and maybe you let them do the vast majority of the talking.

This leads me to a little conversational trick I learned earlier in my life called FORM. It stands for Family/Friends, Occupation/Objective, Recreation, Moment. If you want to strike up a conversation with anyone, including people you do not know, the first thing you do is make note of something around them. Maybe they have some of their FAMILY with them. Maybe you have met them in their place of OCCUPATION. Maybe they are doing some RECREATION activity. Or maybe they are doing something else that MOMENT. Figure out which applies most to that person right then, and simply strike up a conversation by mentioning something about the Family/Friends, Occupation/Objective, Recreation, or Moment. For example, if the person has kids with them, you can make a comment about their cute baby, or about how you wish you had as much energy as a kid. If you are at their place of work, you can make a comment to them about how busy or un-busy it is today. If they are at a party, you could make a comment about the music, the refreshments, or the friends you seem to have in common. For any other moment in which family, occupation, recreation does not seem to apply, such as standing in line at a grocery store, you just mention something about that moment you both are sharing, such as how long the line is, or how fantastic the weather is today. It all sounds a little corny, but you will be surprised that most people will respond positively to you. After a few small talk statements back and forth, you can then simply start asking questions about the other person's family/friends, occupation/objective (job, course of study at university, why they are here), recreation (things they do for fun), or other moments in their life (where they are from, where they went to high school,what they plan on doing for a career, or even current events in the news). There is no limit to the number of questions you can ask. The key here is to keep them talking about themselves. You will find that you can have a conversation in which all you did was ask questions and all they did was answer them, and they will walk away from that conversation thinking you are a great guy.

The best way to practice this is on people who you don't know and will probably never ever meet again. I like striking up conversations with people in line at the supermarket. My kids have noticed this and make comments to me that they wish they could tal to people as easily as I do. Let me tell you. I used to be very awkward and unable to do this. However, I just started practicing every chance I could get on people around me in any situation, and I just got comfortable with it.

With practice, I learned a few things. 1) You might occasionally find yourself in an awkward moment of silence. That is okay. This is normal for two people who have just met each other or who know little about each other. And for people who know each other well, moments of silence are okay. You can always fall back on an escape statement, such as, "Well, I better get going," or "Nice meeting you," or "Have a good day." If you are practicing on people you don't know, there is nothing to be embarrassed about, because you will never see them again. 2) You might find that the other person starts asking you questions. That is okay. Answering questions is easy. In fact, the best interviewers know how to ask questions that get people to start talking about the most interesting things about themselves. So answer the question in as much detail as you feel comfortable with, and then turn the question around on the other person, asking them the same thing or something similar about themselves. And then continue the questions until the other person asks another question of you. THIS IS NORMAL AND ACTUALLY ENJOYABLE CONVERSATION: JUST TWO OR MORE PEOPLE ASKING QUESTIONS AND ANSWERING QUESTIONS BACK AND FORTH. Do this, and you will find that you are more interesting than you think. People will ask you questions about yourself that will bring things to your memory that you had forgotten about yourself or that you never thought of mentioning.

Beyond this, one of the most important things you can do to become a good conversationalist is to develop more diversity in your knowledge. Keep up with current events. Read the international, national, and local headlines every day. Always have a book that you are in the process of reading. Keep up to speed with what your friends are doing, so that you can talk to them about themselves when you see them.

Hope some of this helps.

[AnxBoy]

I read Enduronman's questions and thought to myself "get off my case with all these questions". BUT, I thank you a lot for them nonetheless as they got me thinking quite profoundly. I read Lee Grant Iron's post, and I'm definitely going to start using them.
By the way, I forgot to mention it but I am out the closet and everyone knows. It's been over a year now and I thought it would get easier socially seeing as I'm being myself. Now I think all those years in the closet created a false persona that was actually very good keeping others out. I was 20 by the time I came out. The thing is I realised something, I actually became pretty good at lying. If it wasn't lying it was omitting the truth or bending the story. At the moment I strongly believe that I kind of got so in tune with this false "self", that I may have actually forgotten my real self. Or I could be deluding myself.

I'll admit I've always been one of the quiet types. And I rate poorly in taking an interest in other people, at least not in the way others do it.
I kind of fear 1 on 1, because it's full attention on each other. I like groups, because there will always be someone who keeps the group dynamic. However I tend to completely pull away when a group gets too large. Perhaps it's a confidence issue

[Enduronman]

HAHA!!

I can be somewhat Sargeant like, my apologies friend..and I'm guessing that you've answered many if not all of those questions within your mind too...

Let everyone "see" who you are?

If they don't like it, fluff off then...their loss, not yours...:)

[Lee Grant Irons]

I notice you are in France. Perfect! All of the French words fit the acronym FORM. LOL