winnwinn
12-16-2013, 06:02 PM
Yesterday my husband and I found out we were expecting. I’m not very far along, just a couple of weeks, but I am experiencing all of the ‘normal’ pregnancy issues none-the-less. Today we went to the doctor and had the pregnancy confirmed, and that’s when the anxiety set in. Yesterday I was very calm, and happy even thinking about the expansion of our family and the new addition we would be welcoming into the world a few months from now. When the doctor entered the room, his not-so-thrilled look made my husband and I both very nervous. This pregnancy was completely unplanned, in fact last year I suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks and was told by my OBGYN that I was going to have a lot of trouble getting pregnant in the future because I was a type 1 diabetic with so much nerve damage that my body had stopped ovulating. He said if you don’t ovulate, you won’t get pregnant….. boy was HE wrong! Currently I am taking 2mg of the benzodiazepine ‘Klonopin’ at bedtime for severe panic attacks. I don’t take the medication during the day, only at night time for the night terrors I suffer from, and as most people are aware, a benzo if VERY addictive, which I can easily agree with. This medication is not to be stop cold-turkey for the withdrawal symptoms and horrible side-effects caused from doing so, but the medication is a ‘Class D’ medication meaning ‘do not even think about using when you are pregnant!’, so yesterday I skipped my bedtime dose and had a pretty decent night. Today after the appointment when hubby and I got home, my anxiety levels started to rise and so started a very LONG, and very scary anxiety attack, in ADDITION to the new pregnancy hormones which ‘sent me over the edge’ so-to-speak. He and I argued over EVERYTHING, and CRIED over EVERYTHING, not matter how big or small it was. This went on for about 2 hours until we both had had enough and started to say whatever we could to end the conversation, resulting in yet ANOTHER crying fit on MY part in response to what hubby said to me. When he refused to apologize, I attacked him physically, backing him into a corner, screaming at the top of my lungs and swinging fists at any and every part of his body I could get to. This only lasted about 20 seconds at MOST, although for him and I both it felt more like 5 minutes. I dropped to my knees crying, sobbing those DEEP, loud sobs from the heart, mostly feeling bad for what I done to him, but also in the realization that this unplanned pregnancy may be way too much for me. I begged him to ‘make it stop’ (the anxiety, raging hormones, and the pregnancy), and apologized for hurting him (by the time he left for work 20 minutes later he had a cut from my long fingernails… which I filled down in shame a few moments ago.) I feel absolutely horrible despite the fact that we were on ‘lovely- dovey’ terms when he left not too long ago. I feel like I’m going insane with these hormones and the medication withdrawals. My doctor told me to take SOME of the benzo only when absolutely needed, so I took 0.5mg. Now I’m sitting here ashamed of myself while praying the baby isn’t born with any problems. I’m already beating myself up enough about all of this and could really use a friend or some words of encouragement right about now, I have NO idea how I am gonna make it through this pregnancy (if I don’t suffer another miscarriage). I have a 6 year old, and the pregnancy hormones and anxiety were NOTHING with that pregnancy compared to this one. The other issue is the horrible PPD I suffered after she was born and now I’ve added suffering through another X-amount of years with PPD which I fought SO hard to overcome to my excessively long list of worries. Thanks for reading everyone.