u4ea
12-16-2013, 11:06 AM
Hey everyone!
It's been awhile - haven't posted in months; in fact, I very rarely even log onto the forum, and if I do; I briefly scan through the posts and log out. The last several months have had their ups and downs - extended periods of relative normalcy, followed by brief periods of the same ol' bouts of anxiety. Eh - this whole ordeal has become just tiring; even using the term "normalcy” is subjective in my case; at the very best, I’m probably still operating on the frayed ends of normalcy – at least in regards to the normalcy I “used” to know.
I feel like my anxiety has been more pronounced within the last few weeks. Like being on a conveyor belt leading to...770...perhaps because my anxiety kicked into over drive last winter, for the first time in my life - perhaps it's the anticipation; my psyche recollecting how hellish life became when anxiety reached it peak(?) the climax, the doctor visits, the medication, the breaking of the "anxiety/panic wave" and receding back into normalcy; or rather, my new normalcy...
Winter definitely seems to aggravate my anxiety. The short photoperiod, with long dark nights; the bitter cold and the confinement the inclement weather causes. I miss going outside in shorts and a t-shirt, sun on my face, healthy tan and the overall "freedom" the nice, warm weather brings.
When I have anxiety, time slow down to almost a standstill - minutes feel like hours; and surprisingly, this is a very difficult (non-psychosomatic) symptom for me to deal with. It's really strange - when I'm having fun, the day(s) passes me by like a flash! When I'm in anxiety/panic mode, time slows to a halt - almost like a force is trying to truly make me suffer with anxiety/panic. It really heightens the anxiety and suffering.
Besides the feeling of shortness of breath, it's a very troubling manifestation to deal with.
I still doubt my anxiety will ever totally reside - despite what I hear and read. It's just a part of me....
Sure, there may be peaks and troughs in my battle with anxiety, but I feel like there isn't an escape - my anxiety free years are a fond memory in my psyches' rear view mirror. My best plan of attack is dealing with it and keeping the episodes to a minimum - not letting them throw me into a pit of despair, like they're easily capable of doing.
Oh and acceptance...
I've found music, and lyrics I can relate to help sometime. I like these lyrics by Trent Reznor, NIN.
As black as the night can get
Everything is safer now
There's always a way to forget
Once you learn to find a way how
In the blur of serenity
Where did everything get lost?
The flowers of naivete
Buried in a layer of frost
The smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes
Thought he had it all before they called his bluff
Found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough
Wanted to go back to how it was before
Thought he lost everything
Then he lost a whole lot more
A fool's devotion
Swallowed up in empty space
The tears of regret
Frozen to the side of his face
The smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes
I've done all I can do
Could I please come with you?
Sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometime
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hope this finds all of you well and happy holidays!
-Matt
It's been awhile - haven't posted in months; in fact, I very rarely even log onto the forum, and if I do; I briefly scan through the posts and log out. The last several months have had their ups and downs - extended periods of relative normalcy, followed by brief periods of the same ol' bouts of anxiety. Eh - this whole ordeal has become just tiring; even using the term "normalcy” is subjective in my case; at the very best, I’m probably still operating on the frayed ends of normalcy – at least in regards to the normalcy I “used” to know.
I feel like my anxiety has been more pronounced within the last few weeks. Like being on a conveyor belt leading to...770...perhaps because my anxiety kicked into over drive last winter, for the first time in my life - perhaps it's the anticipation; my psyche recollecting how hellish life became when anxiety reached it peak(?) the climax, the doctor visits, the medication, the breaking of the "anxiety/panic wave" and receding back into normalcy; or rather, my new normalcy...
Winter definitely seems to aggravate my anxiety. The short photoperiod, with long dark nights; the bitter cold and the confinement the inclement weather causes. I miss going outside in shorts and a t-shirt, sun on my face, healthy tan and the overall "freedom" the nice, warm weather brings.
When I have anxiety, time slow down to almost a standstill - minutes feel like hours; and surprisingly, this is a very difficult (non-psychosomatic) symptom for me to deal with. It's really strange - when I'm having fun, the day(s) passes me by like a flash! When I'm in anxiety/panic mode, time slows to a halt - almost like a force is trying to truly make me suffer with anxiety/panic. It really heightens the anxiety and suffering.
Besides the feeling of shortness of breath, it's a very troubling manifestation to deal with.
I still doubt my anxiety will ever totally reside - despite what I hear and read. It's just a part of me....
Sure, there may be peaks and troughs in my battle with anxiety, but I feel like there isn't an escape - my anxiety free years are a fond memory in my psyches' rear view mirror. My best plan of attack is dealing with it and keeping the episodes to a minimum - not letting them throw me into a pit of despair, like they're easily capable of doing.
Oh and acceptance...
I've found music, and lyrics I can relate to help sometime. I like these lyrics by Trent Reznor, NIN.
As black as the night can get
Everything is safer now
There's always a way to forget
Once you learn to find a way how
In the blur of serenity
Where did everything get lost?
The flowers of naivete
Buried in a layer of frost
The smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes
Thought he had it all before they called his bluff
Found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough
Wanted to go back to how it was before
Thought he lost everything
Then he lost a whole lot more
A fool's devotion
Swallowed up in empty space
The tears of regret
Frozen to the side of his face
The smell of sunshine
I remember sometimes
I've done all I can do
Could I please come with you?
Sweet smell of sunshine
I remember sometime
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hope this finds all of you well and happy holidays!
-Matt