natbaby
12-10-2013, 08:46 AM
Hi everyone! I'll start off on a good note - my anxiety/panic and depression have been under control for the most part this year. Yay me!! :D
I'm starting to get a little worried though, because I'm coming up on one year since I had a breakdown. When I say breakdown, I mean can't eat, can't sleep, can't function like a normal human being. I lost 16 pounds in two weeks, which I didn't even realize was possible. I was in the ER three times, twice because I thought I was dying and the third time because I was begging them to commit me (which they would not do). I was terrified and felt so alone, even though I had my wonderful husband and mother there with me at all times. It really is amazing the things that your mind can make your body feel physically. Some of the worst parts for me were the physical reactions that my body had to my state of mind - racing heart, skipping/fluttering beats, nausea and dry heaving, diarrhea, shakiness, and the dreaded adrenaline rushes. At the time of my last "spell" I had quit taking my Prozac because I wanted to try and have another baby, and I thought that I would see how far I could go without medication. I figured any length of time where I wasn't taking drugs during pregnancy could do nothing but benefit the baby's health. Problem with that is that I forgot just how bad it feels to feel BAD. Now, I'm back on medication (Zoloft this time) which works, but doesn't seem to work as well as the Prozac did. I haven't had the guts to change it because I don't want to risk the stability that I have had this last year. Maybe once I feel a little stronger I will look at switching back (during the spring/summer is probably the best time). Why do I keep getting in my own head about the breakdown that I had last year?! I remember the exact date, January 7, and I feel like I'm on a countdown to that day in my mind. I don't know if I'm afraid that it's going to happen again, or if I just want it to hurry up and pass by so that I can say "HA! I made it!". I'm on medication and I'm feeling well, there's no reason for me to be afraid...but I still am. I think maybe I just want to curl up in a ball and cry because I'm so relieved that I'm going to make it through this time. Has anyone out there experienced anything like this? I would love to hear your "success" stories and how you triumphed over this mess in our minds. Sorry for the long rant, but I really needed to get this off of my chest to someone that can understand. Thank you so much for listening!
I'm starting to get a little worried though, because I'm coming up on one year since I had a breakdown. When I say breakdown, I mean can't eat, can't sleep, can't function like a normal human being. I lost 16 pounds in two weeks, which I didn't even realize was possible. I was in the ER three times, twice because I thought I was dying and the third time because I was begging them to commit me (which they would not do). I was terrified and felt so alone, even though I had my wonderful husband and mother there with me at all times. It really is amazing the things that your mind can make your body feel physically. Some of the worst parts for me were the physical reactions that my body had to my state of mind - racing heart, skipping/fluttering beats, nausea and dry heaving, diarrhea, shakiness, and the dreaded adrenaline rushes. At the time of my last "spell" I had quit taking my Prozac because I wanted to try and have another baby, and I thought that I would see how far I could go without medication. I figured any length of time where I wasn't taking drugs during pregnancy could do nothing but benefit the baby's health. Problem with that is that I forgot just how bad it feels to feel BAD. Now, I'm back on medication (Zoloft this time) which works, but doesn't seem to work as well as the Prozac did. I haven't had the guts to change it because I don't want to risk the stability that I have had this last year. Maybe once I feel a little stronger I will look at switching back (during the spring/summer is probably the best time). Why do I keep getting in my own head about the breakdown that I had last year?! I remember the exact date, January 7, and I feel like I'm on a countdown to that day in my mind. I don't know if I'm afraid that it's going to happen again, or if I just want it to hurry up and pass by so that I can say "HA! I made it!". I'm on medication and I'm feeling well, there's no reason for me to be afraid...but I still am. I think maybe I just want to curl up in a ball and cry because I'm so relieved that I'm going to make it through this time. Has anyone out there experienced anything like this? I would love to hear your "success" stories and how you triumphed over this mess in our minds. Sorry for the long rant, but I really needed to get this off of my chest to someone that can understand. Thank you so much for listening!