Hello my name is Andy and I'm suffering sever anxiety, jealousy & paranoia

[hopingthishelps]

I am 38 years old, I met the love of my life 2 years ago, and since then my jealous, irrational anxiety has grown.
This was present in my previous marriage which ended when I found my wife was having affairs.

The girl I am now with is lovely, I really don't believe that she is untrustworthy, yet I am jealous & anxious about everything she does.

I have been having therapy now for over 6 months, and I am mirtazpine 15mg prescribed by my doctor.

Although my new partner tries as hard as she can to help, support, research and understand my thoughts, triggers & behaviours, there is only so much one person can take being doubted & mistrusted.

I am desperate, on one hand I feel I need to discuss my feeling and paranoid with her, but when she gets to the point of saying, I can't take this anymore, my worse fears increase, my fear of loosing her and being alone.

Its gone on so long and has caused so much upset that the only option I see is to be alone. WHich defeats the object, I love her and she loves me.

any words of advice, help or understanding would be greatly appreciated.
Andy

[Enduronman]

Dude,
1. I can see where these irrational fears came from.
2. I can see where the love of your life finds your behaviors towards her as unfair and selfish..it will get worse, and she is very forgiving for putting up with this but as you stated, there is only so much of a beating that a person can take. You have to stop pushing it, before you lose it.
3. "I have been in therapy for 6 months"....Where is she? Why is she not there at times too. Has your therapist ever suggested this? If not, why?
4. Mirtazpine: It appears that it is leaving you somewhat flat...monotone, stuck, stalled, still anxious, still doubtful, still fearful,...Ask to add in an ACTUAL anti-anxiety med.
5. Make some adjustments asap. She is not the woman that had the affair. Get her into a session or two or more. Get your meds adjusted asap.

IMHO.

Have a great day friend.

E-Man.

[alankay]

Keep working to find the root of all this. Don't know if it's insecurity, past pain, etc, but that's very important. At some level we all fear this when we love someone. As when see them to be so wonderful .......surely someone else does and may be approaching them when it may not be the case at all. Alankay

[hopingthishelps]

[QUOTE=Enduronman;132590]Dude,
1. I can see where these irrational fears came from.
2. I can see where the love of your life finds your behaviors towards her as unfair and selfish..it will get worse, and she is very forgiving for putting up with this but as you stated, there is only so much of a beating that a person can take. You have to stop pushing it, before you lose it.
3. "I have been in therapy for 6 months"....Where is she? Why is she not there at times too. Has your therapist ever suggested this? If not, why?
4. Mirtazpine: It appears that it is leaving you somewhat flat...monotone, stuck, stalled, still anxious, still doubtful, still fearful,...Ask to add in an ACTUAL anti-anxiety med.
5. Make some adjustments asap. She is not the woman that had the affair. Get her into a session or two or more. Get your meds adjusted asap.

We actually decided yesterday that for her tome come to the next session would be a step forward maybe .. anything to change the situation as it seems to be getting worse rather quickly. At present she home in bed with headache fully down with it all ..
The mirtazpine .. yes maybe news or other meds ,,, been on that for months now so I don't feel its working.
Thank you again

[hopingthishelps]

Alankay, thank you …
She is so lovely and beautiful & funny on top so surely she will be approached, but I know I can trust her, she has proven it time and time again, yet still a small incident, becomes a huge anxiety trigger to me.
This seem to take over most of my life at present .. its not fair on her, and on me .. its awful .. days wasted on feeling terrible and having whirring negative painful thoughts ..

[Enduronman]

You're on the right track then my friend!!
1. Yes, get her in there asap.
2. Comfort HER today, rather than this past 6 months of more of her trying to comfort YOU..You'll see a positive result from this, today.
3. The meds have left you flat, I can see that. Either up the dose abit (I would suggest that before throwing in something new at this point, the reactions would be unknown) No sense in making a whole new challenge, right now.
4. Request and additional med. An anti-anxiety med and or a product called abilify. It IS awesome. VERRRYYYY expensive unless you have insurance but worth it. Tiny dose. 2mg. to start, it works fast..it works on (dopamine) the feel "good" area of the brain.

And make this day, a new day..you've got work to do bruh.

E-Man.

[hopingthishelps]

Thank E,
I will comfort her today. I had to move out about month ago because it was becoming a pressure cooker. My insecurity was being triggered so much being around her all day, we both work from home.
the way that my previous marriage ended (i have a 6 year old daughter from it) was totally horrific.

Because my ex wife would not be truthful I had to go into detective mode to actually abstain proof of what was going on.
That was the only way I found out what she had doing.
I had to hack her phone, follow her, threaten the people she had been having sexual affairs (not with violence, just with exposing them)

Now with my new partner, who I in theory totally know I can trust, I find myself reacting & feeling the same as the end of previous marriage ..
Therapy has been helping slowly, but then this week, it feels like snakes & ladders and I'm right back at the bottom.
Riduculous checking behaviour, paranoia, unable to eat, sleep, relax ...…

Bottom line is I am starting to doubt the meds & therapy and feeling like perhaps I will be like this forever and therefore unable to maintain a loving relationship.

[Enduronman]

Dude..this isn't your forever destiny. You make the decision to make the change bruh, and make life fulfilling..just as you really want it to be..

E-Man. :)

[hopingthishelps]

Well now I have gone and really messed up .. I thought my partner wasn't being straight with me about a late night she on Friday with a friend.
Today I checked her phone bills and came to the wrong conclusion. I told her what I thought and now I have lost her :(

[Enduronman]

Dude...
Now, after I thought we had all this shit straightened out and you were going to lay off the hammering and nagging, yes...you f**ked this one all up. Mistrust, distrust, insecurity, doubt,..cmon man.

[hopingthishelps]

i wasn't strong enough .. i hate myself even more now .. so sad .. she is so lovely .. now she hates me .. she has asked me to leave her alone and never see her again .. i just hope that in time she could forgive my bad behaviour .. i think I have pushed too much now.. where do i go from here?

[hopingthishelps]

i have my heart on my sleeve, I am the first to accept my faults .. I have been having cognitive therapy for over 6 months, various prescriptions from the doctor. even tried talking to a priest .. perhaps I will be like this forever and never to be able to trust. I'm a good person with a good heart and I just don't know why I am having to live like this … its horrible .. i'm just in shock now .. feel nothing

[Enduronman]

Shit!!!
You have got to get her into your therapy session asap! Not meet up before, have her meet you there and tell your therapist what YOU did...Then, get on your friggin knees in front of them both and admit this failure, take all the blame, and ask her for forgiveness....Don't demand an answer right there from her! Just do it and let her get up, and walk out of the room and complete your session. Then, she'll come back within the next day but do NOT beg, push, force her dude!!! No text, calls, letters, knocking on the door, stalkiing, singing with a f**kin guitar, none of that...just do this....And accept that this next shot, is all you get man.

You got this.

[hopingthishelps]

i have told her I won't contact her again .. i asked her to please just meet me at the therapy session on Saturday morning…. what a fool …. but there will be no texts, calls, stalking etc … i gotta sit with this now .. my wrong .. my fault

[Enduronman]

Exactly friend. Yes, have (allow) her to get in there FIRST and then you come in a little late like 5 mins...not you sitting in there waiting on her. IMPORTANT. The focus will be on you. Get it?....It'll be ok man, just lighten up because you MUST.
NO CONTACT.
I know that'll be tough, but you have to do that part too...
Trust me on this one bruh.....
We cool? Understand?

E-Man.

[hopingthishelps]

thanks you so much .. your the only person I have to talk with who understands .. i just hope she will come .. i left it that I won't contact her, and she knows where my therapist is and at what time .. fingers crossed she will come .. i guess if she doesn't want to, I will have to accept that its over.

[hopingthishelps]

and yes I understand .. i trust you .. thank you again