Family causing stress D:

[ThousandMiles]

Hi, hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday :D

So, my grandparents just arrived a few hours ago, and are going to be here for the next 6 weeks. ...it's not even been a day yet, and I'm already feeling very stressed and upset.
As much as I love them, they upset the balance of family life (if you can call my family life balanced :/); they're rude, they disapprove of a lot of things that are so normal to me/my family, and since my grandmother suffers from dementia it's quite upsetting to see her getting hurt and confused by it and to see my grandfather failing to look after her properly :(

This also sets of my dad's anger issues, and my mum's depression and anxiety (she also feels the need to act a certain way around them). My dad is already quite impatient with me at the moment when I'm feeling particularly stressed or anxious or depressed, and it's only going to get worse. The house becomes a very stressful place.

One of the things that makes me feel so depressed is that I want everything to be nice for everyone, and myself, all the time. I guess it's normal, but I want to surround myself with lovely things + for everyone to be okay + positive + happy. But life isn't like that most of the time.
I just feel like people could try harder! I always try to stay positive, but then I get put down for "trying to make things all nice all the time" (in the words of my dad).

And my year adviser at school is also being horrible, saying "you think you're stressed now? it gets worse! And this is the least stressful time of your life, you know. High school is as good as it gets." Not helping D:

Any advice for trying to stay peaceful, stress-free and happy when everyone around me is making me feel so much worse? I feel like crying, and I've still got six weeks of all this to go. I don't know how I'm going to cope .___. It's the summer holidays soon - the last school summer holidays I'll ever have! - and I need to study lots + enjoy them. I know it sounds selfish, but *I* really want to enjoy *my* holidays :'D

Please help!

Thank you x

[Dahila]

Well it does not look good, but, ... you have your grandparents for a limited time, limited time in general, try to make the best of it. Do you have any idea how scared is your grandma and confused. It is like you wake up and you do not know where you are or what time is. She is in it all the time. I was working with people with dementia and if you look in their eyes you will see the fear. Your dad has his anger issues and you can not excuse him, he needs to work on it. I am not surprised grandpa wants to rest a bit from his confused wife. Are you? One day you will miss them. You can not make everything nice and positive. Life is full of misery and it deepens on us how we face it. Good luck be strong, it is just 6 weeks. Your adviser at school is an idiot...:)

[Lee Grant Irons]

Hello ThousandMiles,

Let me say that you write very well. I would also like to say that you are too young to have that stare already, as in "thousand-yard stare." You certainly sound like you feel you are in a war zone. Constantly having to keep your head low. Watching carefully for landmines. Trying to keep track of everyone in your platoon to make sure they are safe.

You said a lot of things that indicate a lot of problems, too many for someone your age to have to deal with. And yet, so many young people have to learn how to deal with it all. So let me recommend to you that your first way of dealing with it is to realize that you are not responsible for the lives your grandparents and your parents created for themselves.

First problem. You Dad. I suspect one reason why your Dad makes comments such as "trying to make things all nice all the time" is because he feels bad that you are having to deal with it, and he wishes he could give you a better life. Sometimes men are this way. They need a dragon to slay, and they don't want their damsels trying to do it for them, because that would mean they are not doing their job. Have you ever heard of the movie "Rigoletto." In it, a boy with a stuttering problem is very upset. The plot suggests that he has this stuttering problem because of low self-esteem, at least partially caused by a father who is constantly upset and yells. The tainted hero of the movie, a man with a scarred face and a beautiful voice asks the boy why he is upset. The boy stutters out that he hates his father, always yelling, and asks why his father doesn't just love them and take them fishing and stuff. The father is out of work and unable to support his family, which has brought a lot of stress on the father. The father does not know how to handle it, so he takes out his frustrations on his family. Rigoletto holds a mirror to the boys face and says, "You don't hate your father. I think you love your father and hate the way you feel. Change the way you feel." The movie then shows the boy going through a transformation which leads to him no longer stuttering, and learning to tell story-book tales that entrance the people in his small boring town. Yes, it is a fiction story, but the idea is true. It does not really matter what your father thinks or says, in the long run. It is what you think. If you can love father and try to understand why he says and does the things he does, then you can change your own perspective and learn to be happier.

Dahila gave you good advice about your grandparents. Again, it is just a matter of understanding their situation, and trying to replace your hurt feelings with love for them instead.

I think you know why your mum is depressed and anxious. You probably take after her, trying to make things all nice. As you said, your mum feels she needs to act a certain way around them. So you are beginning to take on the traits of your mum. So, this helps you understand how she feels. So you just need to love her and do what you can to help her as she asks you. Part of her depression and anxiety is likely due to the fact that you have to deal with all of this. So don't try to take over for her. Just help her as she allows you to.

Ultimately, loving these people only works if it is unconditional. It does not depend upon what they do for you or say to you. Hugs and kind words can be very disarming. So give lots of hugs and kind words of love.

Also, ultimately, you will be moving on one day soon. You will have your own life that your parents will be a part of on fewer and fewer occasions. So their problems will remain their problems. You are not required to take their problems with you to university or anywhere else in life. You have a chance to make your life better, and honor your parents and grandparents by doing so.

You are a remarkable young lady. Just do what you can to simply love them.

By the way, this same approach to relationships with people will take you far in life. It is not just grades that make the student. Don't worry about what your school advisor said. Your success will be heavily based on how you handle yourself in your relationships and how many lives you reach out and touch. I think you have that gift and desire.

[Dahila]

Lee like always a beautiful post. I love the way you explain it. It is weird when I read my thoughts, I can not write as you do because of my limitation in English language. I hope the young lady will read the post and think. :)and appreciate the family she has.

[ThousandMiles]

Thank you for your advice and kind words, everyone ;A;

I will definitely try my hardest to get through this and appreciate my family however I can ^_^

[Lee Grant Irons]

ThousandMiles,

Fantastic! :) Just loosen up a bit. Drop the intensity down a notch, relax your shoulders, smile more, fix less, hand out hugs, laugh. Enjoy the remainder of your childhood. Much of it has to do with perspective.

Dahila,

Hi Five! :)