Afraid to feel happy??

[ThousandMiles]

Hey there, just wanted to know if anybody else feels the same way as this?

I haven't known about my depression for long, nor do I know about it in much detail yet, but I don't think it's a particularly severe kind. I still feel happy when my best friends are being really sweet, or something really funny happens, or I get a good grade, AND I try and smile as much as possible around friends, because even if I feel like being alone, I'm so grateful to have such good friends.
It just takes a lot more to make me happy, and it will usually last for less time.
And I'm not extremely sad or angry all the time either; many days I am, but typically I feel tired, quite gloomy, irritable, and either numb or overly sensitive and tearful.

BUT, sometimes I worry that the fact that I do feel happy sometimes means that I'm actually OK, and that there's no mental illness or anything, and that these feelings are just the person I've become. Or that if I *do* start to get better and feel happier, then I will have to stop with the treatment and these feelings will come back again and I'll be all alone .__.

Does anyone else feel like this, or am I being selfish/self-indulgent? D:

[butterflybandage]

I have a constant fear that if something good happens, something bad is going to happen right after. So yes, I'm kind of in a way afraid to be happy. Not really in because I'm afraid to feel better, though I do relate to the fear that people will try to push you too hard to get 100% better if you show the slightest improvement. You're not alone, thought, I promise. I've seen quite a few people that feel like that. Best of wishes! xx

[Ponder]

Hi Guys ... I think this is a really really good question. I have been thinking on this for some time. I think I'll best answer this one - for myself at least - tomorrow morning. :) Understanding emotions and how we attach ourselves to them is no easy task, however the question itself and seeking to understand such things - is a very healthy topic. Unfortunately for me, there is no fast and easy answer, however I love this kind seeking. Again, I best leave my reply for in the morning when I am well rested.

Wishing you both well ...

[Ponder]

Interesting – I live in a society, where people identify with how they feel as well as the things they own. So yes, on that note I do believe I have a problem letting go from the habitual sense of clinging to the pain and suffering I have suffered over the years.

From the perspective of how much I invest in such feelings, I do believe I could call that indulging. It’s like when I sit down to watch a movie and experience the wide array of emotional responses, elicit from the music, character development and unfolding plot. Actually in that context, it’s like all society does in life, is feed on our emotions 24/7. The mp3 is to keep me either pumped on a run, or winding down for sleep, making phone calls because of feeling lonely, anxious or delighted. Imposed advertising whether we are at home or on the go, typically elicits negative emotions such as fear and emptiness, in order that I strive to buy their product to fill the void that was never there; that was until my mind gave into the repetitive emotional conditioning.

For me, understanding and accepting the emotional conditioning process helps to put into focus these feelings of Happiness and Sadness. Specifically how all forms of external sources are short lived Vs those drawn from within. That is to say, seeking happiness outside myself is not nearly as effective as allowing it to come naturally from my core. Forgive me as I am no guru but only just learning these things myself than to suggest “It’s this way or that - that is what religion and political indoctrination does"

I can’t remember all the stuff I have been reading/listening too, however Equal and Opposite reactions come to mind with regard to "the emotional experience". In order to know happiness, one must know Sadness; just as to know sadness one must know happiness. Having an emotional imbalance is when we experience one more than the other, which can often be the case not just for being sad, but also for the bliss seekers who are just as addicted as someone who craves pain.

I’m kind of done with all the emotional conditioning that society builds on -
You see … rather than society acknowledging the fallibility of its current superficial existence, it would rather highlight, label and seek to Band Aid the resultant instability among the masses. A cop out if you will. Whilst emotional balance can help to build better neural pathways and behavioral patterns, it still leaves people susceptible in a world clearly bent on emotional investment and conditioning.

I think people are getting to a stage where they simply fear any type of emotional connection given how meaningless, deceptive, and superficial mankind has become. Distrust in ourselves, possibly becomes a factor in our own ability to experience the happy feelings, achieve the goals, and run the race – to which the Real Me – The Me that I am slowly beginning to see inside myself, wants no real part of and never did … to those external things, events, feelings and so on -

It’s not that I fear happiness, it’s more a fear of how Emotion is Measured to gauge another’s Status. It’s overrated and I strive to think less on the labels of emotion, but more on whether it’s coming from within or from outside in. Real Love can only come from within, whilst Pain can only come from outside.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________
Disclaimer … I was woken up by repair men drilling and hammering late at night on the power poles outside (seems I can only sleep in a hammock undisturbed in the bush - Sigh :)) … I’m still posting this though …

Best of luck dealing with your own emotions … Nothing wrong with being happy, but nothing wrong with being sad … that is if one can just accept what is in the present and forget about the “investment” so many of us harp on … The “I am” Identification … Hello, what do you do for a living as in that is You … hello, where do you live, as in that is You, hello, where did you by your clothes, as in that is You … Hello, how do you feel today, as that is You … What type of car, what type of insurance, OMG your not insured!!! ... How much money you have invested, what type of religion, what type of food you eat, My God - you don't work! You poor thing ... and so on ...

That’s superficial – the more I let go of that kind of thinking, the more special I begin to feel – which is devoid of the emotional labels so commonly used … I’m just settling for the silence that comes. The silence is SO MUCH more relieving and genuine than any kind of common positive short lived emotion could ever provide. That silence, allows me to be content and feel a sense of wonderment despite all the entire world being debunked. I am often rudely awakened by Societal expectations, however I am better learning to jump the hoops and go where the flow must take me - (or so I aim it to be)

LOL … the banging has stopped. : )

Take car guys ...

[Alita]

Hi all,
afraid to feel happy? hard to fathom, when we are accustom to feeling bad and sad. take the happy days and cherish them. hopefully, the good days will be more than the bad ones. turn a frown upside down and smile!!!!! Alita

[Ponder]

Hi Alita ... hope you have been well.

Here is an old Poem of mine, that I think can explain how it is that some of us lay in wait - I now find a sense of irony between me description and how it is that this flower really be. 1st the poem:
__________________________________________________ ________________

Isolation:
http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5319/6913922748_8396bcef26_n.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/6913922748/)
Enlightened (http://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/6913922748/) by L_Plate_Dave (http://www.flickr.com/people/71988794@N08/), on Flickr

In the midst of a
Sweltering summers day,
Obstructed from view and
Laying in wait.
All I live for
Tis that one moment,
In which comes my chance.
Opening up gives me strength, and
Never fails to make my heart dance.

_________________________________________

I guess the lesson here is the "waiting" The miracle of nature, is that it knows no time, it feeds only on the ground, air and sun. When I go through hard times, I need to tune in like nature does. The hard times suffered by flowers, makes them strong - Indoor hydroponic labs will simulate windy condition so their plants will go strong. Plants that are nurtured without any stress will end up stringy and weak - so too, we should learn to embrace those moments that makes as waver. I think the problem for us humans, is that we have strayed far from our instincts. We have covered them with layers of thoughts, unstable emotions reliant on mans new age technologically advanced and emotionally charged clock.

No longer content to live by the sun - People have lost the ability to sense and trust - to know that as sure as the sun sets and rises, so to will our strength come. "Instead" now people live in fear, live in hope - waiting for some event or thing to come along and make things right. The people that are "different" - that sense things are not right with where "things" are heading, typically end up isolated as undesirable due to a new independence that no longer contributes:

Fear not ... for there is much strength to be gained in minimizing and detaching from expectation / from letting go - people are depressed because people live in the past, just as living in hope can be likened to living in the future with a life filled with waiting. Hope ... it's taken me a long time narrow down that futility in which it is so commonly served up. Plants and living things do not hope for they know the cycles as sure as they come ... it's Man that has messed with such timing and the best cause of action IMO is to adapt as the plants do.

Don't wait - or live in hope, but instead - tap in right now by ridding one self of all the attachments that come with man made labels and investments. - - It's a continual learning event - In my situation -I play the role- as the Gov't in this country would have me do. Bingo! Let it go - but jump through the hoops! Lets others that are enslaved by the expectation to grind the mill - hate on others that do not do as they do - The are victims as much as the mentally ill - in fact those that are SICK of living in fear - those who know not the pleasantries so vehemently fought for in a shrinking world - the bitterness and resentment suffered by the many - the residual pain and suffering of human history; nothing but the cost of modern mans way, of living ... Mans new Cycle built on that emotionally charged clock is destined to fall, despite those that look to some day, some thing and or some "event" to come - to be, to be that long awaited savoir - Whilst all along, under the indoctrination of mans thinking - our savior has always been within!

Deep stuff - but it's what saps so many of us from just being and getting in-touch without ourselves, because I know now- what a RELIEF it is to no longer rely on all that BS so commonly fed / all those lies we have suffered - My biggest issue; is when - I am rudely awakened by that societal welfare check - weather it be tax or another "form" of account - no one is exempt by the would be rulers -> that seeks to keep us, in their grip! We do what we can to stand on our own feet, but the fact is - I like many, no longer have the cohesion to function within such a sick civilization.

I don't Hope - I Switch off - I don't Vote - I don't participate - I instead stop thinking and start feeling - I find the passion within with whatever is able to come to my own head, from my own source inside myself ... I don't do this because such and such said - I make up my own mind - Better yet - I forget my mind and instead I like to be a flower who really cares not!

happiness is from "within", the only source that matters is inside me and has always been - yet societal influences -> teach me that looking within is being selfish, (That talking of the great "I" is evil) some even go as far to say - it's the devils work / AKA it's of the antichrist -> (tragic) - SIGH ... - leave the fear to the mongers that spin the wheel-

Can you feel this:

Reaching in its essence - Being is all the Joy we need.
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7130/7060006663_7bcc14a708_b.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/7060006663/)
Sun Burst (http://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/7060006663/) by L_Plate_Dave (http://www.flickr.com/people/71988794@N08/), on Flickr

That is all - that counts to me ... it's why I now only live by such cycles of time. I still take pills, but only like an extraterrestrial might, in order to breath amongst in such an alien world ... Civilization can crumble around me for like the flower I care not - I will end either in the Sun or Outside savoring what little 02 is left with all my cells I shall hold true to what I feel - I will die being myself. With all due respect to those that only know hope - for me I do not hope - I jump what hoops I must in order to exist - but to their disgust I LIVE and do so without being enslaved or feeling the need to "manifest" ... but most of all, because I have the audacity to talk off the great I

Thanks for listening - I'll leave you guy's to it - I did say I've been thinking on I for quite a bit.


Dieing to self, need not be a tragic event - but is key to finding strength < --> even in death.
Life goes On : Do Not Fear what comes next ; ).

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7066/6895804990_e2db471e2c.jpg http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5336/9976402185_d0a3348e7a.jpg

Take care
Dave

[ThousandMiles]

Thank you for the replies, guys, it helped me put things a bit more in perspective ^_^

I will definitely cherish the days and moments in which I'm able to feel some degree of happiness, they are definitely precious. I hope everyone else able to appreciate them too <3