Help

[missechelon]

So last night it was meant to be my birthday celebrations but ended up horribly my anxiety and depression serviced and my husband now wants a divorce because he said I'm a loon and depression isn't a real illness and ATM I can't get through it is he's threatening to take my kids away and said I shouldn't be near them but I don't know what to do I have no family or friends where do I start how am I gonna live and look after my kids and why is it do hard not to twist the situation and make it seem like in blaming him I'm so scared right now

[Ponder]

Sorry you are in this position. Have you had these kind of augments before with your husband? Of course your not a loon ... we all say damning things in the heat of the moment. Has he calmed down any since this troubled started ... How long have you guys been together?

[Lee Grant Irons]

missechelon,

I hear you. I have been there with my wife thinking the same way and threatening to take the kids away. It is a terrible feeling to think you are going to lose your family. It is almost worse to have to deal with the lack of understanding from people you love. Depression is not something that "looks" like an illness to people who are well.

The good news is that you can overcome this. You just need the help of the right people, the right tools, and some time and effort on your part. Are you having any other physical symptoms along with the depression? Have you seen any doctors about this? Are you seeing a therapist? Post back with these answers, and then we can discuss some more.

[Cara1989]

Reading this really pisses me off why don't they just kick you while your down :( they don't get how hard day to day life is for someone with anxiety etc. Wish there was a simulator lol

[missechelon]

Sorry you are in this position. Have you had these kind of augments before with your husband? Of course your not a loon ... we all say damning things in the heat of the moment. Has he calmed down any since this troubled started ... How long have you guys been together?

No never he has we just have avoided each other and I have set up a spare bed for me later we have been together 8 years so it really shocked me his attitude and behaviour toward me

[missechelon]

[QUOTE="Lee Grant Irons;131019"]missechelon, I hear you. I have been there with my wife thinking the same way and threatening to take the kids away. It is a terrible feeling to think you are going to lose your family. It is almost worse to have to deal with the lack of understanding from people you love. Depression is not something that "looks" like an illness to people who are well. The good news is that you can overcome this. You just need the help of the right people, the right tools, and some time and effort on your part. Are you having any other physical symptoms along with the depression? Have you seen any doctors about this? Are you seeing a therapist? Post back with these answers, and then we can discuss some more.[/QUOTE ] I hope I can overcome this I hate feeling like there is something missing I haven't seen the dr I was told by my health nurse to see someone but I thought I could help myself but now I feels like I'm on the edge and have not got a handle on it

[Lee Grant Irons]

The depression could be a symptom of another treatable medical condition. That is why you should see a doctor. A therapist can help you learn how to better handle the depression and all the junk in life that happens with your illness. Are you having any other physical symptoms along with the depression?

[missechelon]

The depression could be a symptom of another treatable medical condition. That is why you should see a doctor. A therapist can help you learn how to better handle the depression and all the junk in life that happens with your illness. Are you having any other physical symptoms along with the depression?

I have felt very tired not wanted to do anything but sleep and headaches some turn to migraines

[alankay]

I don't think he can just take the kids away because you are struggling right now. A court would need to weigh all this but it's just not that simple. Millions suffer depression at times. It's not like it unheard of. We all have difficult times. Alankay.

[Lee Grant Irons]

I have felt very tired not wanted to do anything but sleep and headaches some turn to migraines

Feeling tired and having headaches along with anxiety and depression could definitely indicate an easily fixed electrolyte or thyroid imbalance. Definitely see a primary care doctor and get checked. I had migraines all the time until I got my electrolytes balanced due to a medical condition I have.

[Ponder]

How are you "feeling" today?

I can understand how the mind goes into hyper speed during such bumps in the road. My wife and I have been together 22+ years and I have had to sleep in another bed more than several times. At the beginnings of those times, it was as if the whole world had fallen apart - I would have to think on how I was going to start over, with such thoughts being triggered by heated words. Those thoughts when not under control race both into the past with "if only" and then into the future with "OMG!!!" --- rarely was I able to just do something to keep my mind from racing like that. I guess what I am saying - or trying - is to say, I know well that feeling - and also that I am hoping you are feeling a little better today.

My mum helped me with some money not long back - perhaps 3 months ago. I rang up all worried about my wife wanting me out (yet again) ... Mum gave me some money for a Bed and things - but to be honest, all I wanted was to go and stay at mums. None the less although saddened my mum would not let me come home (has always been the case) ... My mothers help I did appreciate and the time I spent away in the other room helped me to get a hold of whatever it was that had transpired and or was and Is at that moment happening.

With 22+ years - one partner experience, I can tell you that time does heal. Both in the experience of sticking it out together (often requiring each one to carry a load of a different kind form the other) and also having learned that each time we encounter such "tragic" events, how our bodies naturally tend to shut out all else that makes time tick. It's during those moments I have been able to see myself deeper than any other time before - I guess maybe that' does not happen for everyone, but whilst you feel an impending death, or an end to everything you know - with a whammy that you have to continue on with that current pain we tend to hold .... there is a sense of this weird silence though and I have to admit ... that the more I have experienced this tragic fear of breaking up, that that silence is somehow soothing and also show me just how special I am - it highlights all the opposite things of those negative ones that others and ourselves tend to put on us - If you can just keep focused on that silence and try not to think about the future and or past, you will that alone can numb the situation like an anesthetic of sorts.

forgive me if I go on too much...I am actually loosing my focus now ... but wishing you now very positive thoughts - not superficial ones, but real ones. You hang in there - know that you have the power, we all do - we just need to learn how to learn from our experiences and tap into the power that resides within. Don't allow these events to become food that we and others feed on. Let time do its things as you ride it out, and whatever becomes - becomes. A day at a time in it's true essence I guess.

Again ... wishing you my very best.
Dave.

[missechelon]

Feeling tired and having headaches along with anxiety and depression could definitely indicate an easily fixed electrolyte or thyroid imbalance. Definitely see a primary care doctor and get checked. I had migraines all the time until I got my electrolytes balanced due to a medical condition I have.

Thank you lee I'm defiantly going to get checked out I would just really like his support he thinks I'm blaming him when I'm not

[Lee Grant Irons]

Thank you lee I'm defiantly going to get checked out I would just really like his support he thinks I'm blaming him when I'm not

Try to keep the two problems separate. One problem is your depression and your physical illness. The other problem is that your relationship with your husband is rocky. Though your illness problem seems to be related to your relationship problem, they are actually separate problems that have gotten tangled. It is possible to untangle them. It is possible to improve your relationship with your husband even if you have no progress in solving your illness problem.

So, you have something you can do toward your illness: see a doctor. Let's think about what you can do about your relationship problem. It is very important that you identify the right goal for this problem. Which of the following do you think the right goal would be?
1. Get my husband's support.
2. Save my marriage.
3. Make my home once again a safe and loving place for my husband, my children, and me.

You might come up with other ideas for the goal. However, you need to understand what it is you are trying to accomplish in solving the relationship problem with your husband. Once you have your goal worded, post here again and let me know. Then I can help you come up with an initial plan for working toward this goal and solving this problem.

[missechelon]

How are you "feeling" today? I can understand how the mind goes into hyper speed during such bumps in the road. My wife and I have been together 22+ years and I have had to sleep in another bed more than several times. At the beginnings of those times, it was as if the whole world had fallen apart - I would have to think on how I was going to start over, with such thoughts being triggered by heated words. Those thoughts when not under control race both into the past with "if only" and then into the future with "OMG!!!" --- rarely was I able to just do something to keep my mind from racing like that. I guess what I am saying - or trying - is to say, I know well that feeling - and also that I am hoping you are feeling a little better today. My mum helped me with some money not long back - perhaps 3 months ago. I rang up all worried about my wife wanting me out (yet again) ... Mum gave me some money for a Bed and things - but to be honest, all I wanted was to go and stay at mums. None the less although saddened my mum would not let me come home (has always been the case) ... My mothers help I did appreciate and the time I spent away in the other room helped me to get a hold of whatever it was that had transpired and or was and Is at that moment happening. With 22+ years - one partner experience, I can tell you that time does heal. Both in the experience of sticking it out together (often requiring each one to carry a load of a different kind form the other) and also having learned that each time we encounter such "tragic" events, how our bodies naturally tend to shut out all else that makes time tick. It's during those moments I have been able to see myself deeper than any other time before - I guess maybe that' does not happen for everyone, but whilst you feel an impending death, or an end to everything you know - with a whammy that you have to continue on with that current pain we tend to hold .... there is a sense of this weird silence though and I have to admit ... that the more I have experienced this tragic fear of breaking up, that that silence is somehow soothing and also show me just how special I am - it highlights all the opposite things of those negative ones that others and ourselves tend to put on us - If you can just keep focused on that silence and try not to think about the future and or past, you will that alone can numb the situation like an anesthetic of sorts. forgive me if I go on too much...I am actually loosing my focus now ... but wishing you now very positive thoughts - not superficial ones, but real ones. You hang in there - know that you have the power, we all do - we just need to learn how to learn from our experiences and tap into the power that resides within. Don't allow these events to become food that we and others feed on. Let time do its things as you ride it out, and whatever becomes - becomes. A day at a time in it's true essence I guess. Again ... wishing you my very best. Dave.

Thank you so much Dave today has been very weird for me to be honest I feel very empty it's good to hear your view and that we may be able to push through after some things that were said I'm struggling to let go I'm feeling so anxious a out him coming home and confrontation

[missechelon]

Try to keep the two problems separate. One problem is your depression and your physical illness. The other problem is that your relationship with your husband is rocky. Though your illness problem seems to be related to your relationship problem, they are actually separate problems that have gotten tangled. It is possible to untangle them. It is possible to improve your relationship with your husband even if you have no progress in solving your illness problem. So, you have something you can do toward your illness: see a doctor. Let's think about what you can do about your relationship problem. It is very important that you identify the right goal for this problem. Which of the following do you think the right goal would be? 1. Get my husband's support. 2. Save my marriage. 3. Make my home once again a safe and loving place for my husband, my children, and me. You might come up with other ideas for the goal. However, you need to understand what it is you are trying to accomplish in solving the relationship problem with your husband. Once you have your goal worded, post here again and let me know. Then I can help you come up with an initial plan for working toward this goal and solving this problem.

I would say my goals are probably 2 and 3 I wanna try and save it and hope I can and give my kids a happy home

[Lee Grant Irons]

I would say my goals are probably 2 and 3 I wanna try and save it and hope I can and give my kids a happy home

Good, I think you got it right, because the next step is to identify the things you need to accept that you can't change, which includes that you can't change your husband. One is that the past is the past and you can't change what has already happened. Another is that you can't change the way your husband will react to any situation. A third, and this is the tough one, is that you might not be able to influence any decisions that your husband has already made. Accepting is a very important part of achieving your goal, because you don't want to be wasting energy trying to change things that you can't change. Spend some time thinking about other things you think you need to accept about the relationship between you and your husband.

Before you continue, get a notebook. Write at the top of the first page, "Problems." Then on the first line below it, write a number 1, followed by the statement, "My husband and I are growing apart and my marriage is at risk." Then flip to the next page (leaving the back of the first page blank), and rewrite that problem at the top of the page. Then, below the problem statement on the next line, write "Goal: Save my marriage and make my home safe and loving once again for my husband, my children, and me." Then skip a line, and on the next line write "Accept." Below this, write a list of the things you need to accept that you can't change, as we started in the first paragraph above. Once you have this list written, then skip a line and write "Acknowledge." Now you need to brainstorm a list of things you have learned over the course of your relationship with your husband that might be helpful in achieving your goal. The following are some possibilities. Only write down the ones that apply to you, and add some others based upon your own personal ecperience.
1. Though my husband may have already made some decisions that I will not like, I still have an opportunity to influence the final result of his decisions in a positive way for both of us.
2. We have a tendency to fight right now.
3. I have said some things that I regret saying.
4. We have loved each other and have had some good times together. [write what some of those are]
5. I have not been as loving and caring for him as I could be.
6. I have frequently been selfish.
7. I need to forgive my husband of the wrong he has done to me.
8. I need to ignore the faults and bad habits of my husband.
9. I can be a wonderful wife if I would just let some things go, if I would not base my love for my husband on what he says to me or does for me.
10. At one time, he did love me, so he can certainly love me again.

Now comes the tough part. Based on everything you have written so far, you need to start "negotiating" your way toward achieving your goal. Think of yourself as being in a boat by yourself in the rapids of a river. You have some big rocks ahead, some places where you could get capsized. So you need to "negotiate" your way through the rapids. Skip a line after your list of "Acknowledges," and write the word "Negotiate." Now you need to write a list of actions you can start taking immediately based upon the problem, the goal, the accepts, and the acknowledges. Here are some examples:
1. Brainstorm a list of my husband's good qualities.
2. Observe my husband closely. Every time he shows one of his good qualities, tell him how much you appreciate what he just did and give him a kiss on the cheek, if he allows it.
3. Hug and kiss my husband every morning, when he leaves, when he comes home, and when he goes to bed at night, if he allows me to.
4. When I feel tension or a fight coming on, try to be nice no matter what!
5. Try to ignore rude or mean comments my husband might make.
6. Do not raise my voice.
7. Do not criticize, condemn, or complain in the presence of my husband, whether it is about me, about him, or about anything else.
8. When my husband and children are present, try to be calm and upbeat. Ask them about how their day has gone, rather than talking about my day.

Once you have this list, start working on doing the things you listed. Review the list daily, even hourly if necessary. In the notebook, skip a line, and write the words "Accept and Acknowledge." As each day passes, write down new things that you are learning that you must accept and acknowledge as time passes.

By the way, the same approach above can be taken for your medical problems. So, on the first page of your notebook, under problem 1, write a number 2 and a problem statement for your illness. Then skip a few full pages past where you have been writing down the lists for problem 1 and start a problem solving lists for problem 2, including your goal, your accepts and acknowledges, and your first list of negotiating actions.

You can add more problems as you see fit.

The important thing here is that you are now getting these problems separated and written down, so now you have a tool to free your mind of constantly having to keep track of all of your problems. You can pick up your notebook when a particular problem needs attention, review your notes, and reapply some effort.

When you get to the point on either of these problems where you think you need some help, or you identify a new problem that you would like help with, post back here or send me a private message, and we can discuss the next phase.