New Here!

[ohpus]

Hello! I am new here and thought I would share just a little bit about myself. I'm 31 years old and have never had any real problems with anxiety or depression until about 3 months ago. I'm not able to really describe when or where it started, but here I am.

My anxiety started out as a general fear of everything blowing up in my face at work and has mostly remained that way. I have been at the same company for ten years now and am a bit of a superstar there. It is not often when I am faced with a challenge that I am unable to overcome or a project that doesn't meet its deadline, yet as I said the past 3 months have been a whirlwind of self doubt and unending nervousness, to the point where I became almost crippled because of it. For the first time I was having trouble staying caught up and found myself having to lie down on my office floor to do some deep breathing just to keep calm. Inevitably, I visited my doctor, who prescribed me 100mg/day of Zoloft and recommended I see a therapist to help work it all out. He also prescribed Xanax for panic attacks, which I have not taken very often as I am fairly leery of benzodiazepines. The therapy has helped out and I have done a little bit of journaling which helps, but it's not enough to convince myself. I need a group of people who are going through the same struggles I am.

I'm normally a very happy, very positive person, but I'm just plain sick of being upset and nervous all the time. I'm tired of getting this pit in my stomach every time I receive an email or my phone rings or I get a text message. I'm sick of constantly putting the weight of the world on my shoulders when most of the time the thing I'm worried about isn't even mine to worry about. I just can't help it (or so it seems). But worst of all, I'm tired of being unable to get out of my own head. Nonstop world-ending scenarios just replay themselves in my mind all day long, so much so that I long for bedtime so that I can escape myself. Last night, the worry penetrated into my dreams. There was no escape. I know it's there. I just have to find it.

Time to tumble further down the rabbit hole...

[amaranthe]

Hi there, I'm also new here. Just to let you know I can totally relate (there's millions more just like us out there right now!)... Even though my circumstances are very different. I too have those intrusive "world-ending/apocalyptic" thoughts. I hate them so much... It is pure torment. They seem completely out of my control. I do not choose to think them, like I know you know. I took Zoloft years ago and hated it. It's not for me. I'm taking Xanax currently which does help me but I'm so tired and I hate that I have to take anything at all for this crap, you know? I don't know what to do either but look for support from other people. It's sad to think that it could just be "mind over matter"... You know... Like I could control this anxiety and make it stop by just WILLING it away... I just don't feel strong enough. Yet, anyway. Struggling everyday and hoping it will be better soon. I don't believe this will last forever for me, so it won't last forever for you either. Just my opinion. Just a storm in life. Stay strong. We'll make it through this.

[PanicPhobia]

Sounds like your anxiety is situational or job related. It is rare for mental illnesses like GAD to start at age 31 (though I guess it's not unheard of). I am no doctor, but it does sound like you might need to make some lifestyle changes or take whatever is stressing you so much out of your life.

Zoloft is very good for anxiety but it can take 4-8 weeks to get the full effect. Also, you might have to increase the dosage. I have read that SSRI's work better for anxiety at the higher doses.

Also, Xanax will knock the panic attacks out, but it is a short acting benzo. A lot of docs will prescribe Klonopin as it is longer acting. In any case, I wouldn't be afraid to take the Xanax when you are having a particularly bad day. It's true that benzos cause physical dependence, but if you take "as needed" it shouldn't be much of a problem.

[Lee Grant Irons]

ohpus, Well met! Your personality and way of working sounds so much like me, I felt like I was reading something I had written! LOL


Whether or not the anxiety you are feeling is a medical condition or a normal response to high stress, you could benefit from some methods that can help you think your way through it. It sounds to me like you could benefit from taking an effort to identify the problem. Why is it that you feel obligated to be the person who is always saving the day at work? Are you looking for a promotion and think you have to go above and beyond to get it? Do you think your fellow-workers are incompetent and can't handle the issues without you? Are your business processes so fragile that you have to put out an extra effort to keep them propped up and functioning? Or is it something else? Spend some time and try to figure out what you think the reason is behind the way you have been working. Then write down a problem statement. Once you have identified what you think the problem is, come back here and post it. We can then discuss further.

[ohpus]

Thanks for the replies. You've definitely given me something to think about. As far as work goes, we can rule out the promotion concept immediately. I work for a small company (~30 employees) and am currently near the top of the totem pole. One of the owners has already told me that he's going to start grooming me to take over for him when he leaves the company. I have already assumed a portion of his responsibilities as he only works 3 days/week now. I imagine that within the next 2-3 years he will be retiring and handing me the reins. I won't be running the company by any means (nor do I have any desire) but I have definitely proven myself. I think it's more a combination of a lack of faith in my coworkers, an overestimation of my own importance along with crippling insecurity. I have been very cognizant of this and have been working to address a pattern of behavior that I feel is contributing most to my anxiety.

The prime example is with one of my subordinate managers. He has been enduring some personal problems of his own, and it was starting to affect his work. Because I am his superior, I hold myself responsible for the performance of the team he manages. Their performance has been dipping significantly recently, and with his issues he started to become somewhat unapproachable. So instead of taking action with him directly, I started to do his job for him in an effort to "right the ship," as it were. I was doing the equivalent of bailing water with a teaspoon instead of patching the leak in the first place. The good news is that things seem to be on the upswing. I've adjusted my attitude and have addressed the problem head-on. My manager's performance has improved, as has his team's. This has provided some level of relief. Stress levels are reducing and my anxiety level while at work has vastly improved, which gives me hope of progress.

However, first thing every morning when I wake up, I am hit with a wave of panic. I assume that I will get to work and the ship will be sinking and that I alone will hold the blame for it. My mind starts to race about every conceivable scenario in which the sky is falling. The best way for me to deal with this at the moment is to reassure myself that they sky has not fallen yet and it's been over 10 years with no signs of the company slowing down. There are bad days and good days, but the good tend to outweigh the bad. Our customers like us (they love me). There have been 3 separate positions created specifically for me as I've progressed, so I clearly know what I'm doing. The next best option is for me to just get up. The sooner I get moving, the faster the panic fades. Most of the time this works well... I'm just so sick of feeling that way the moment I wake up. It's really difficult.

To summarize, my anxiety is centered around these items:
-Inability to trust coworkers and assuming that without me everything will fall apart.
-Shouldering responsibility for that which I'm not necessarily responsible for.
-Paranoia that no matter what I do the worst scenario imaginable will always play out.

[Lee Grant Irons]

Some initial thoughts before I go to bed. Then I can follow up more on this tomorrow, perhaps after you respond to some questions and tasks in my message below.

1. It seems that, in the future, when you take over for the owner soon to retire, someone will need to fill your current role, otherwise you will really be overburdened and over-stressed. So maybe in your mind you have a concern that you might have to do the work of three levels of management: the retired owner's work, your current position's work, and your subordinate manager's work. So, it would seem that a goal to resolve this problem is to groom someone to take over your current position when you take over for owner who is soon to retire.

2. Is the fact that the soon-to-retire owner is only putting in 3 days per week causing you to have to perform his/her responsibilities for the two days of the week he/she is not present? The answer to this will help get us closer to what your goal for your second problem should be.

3. Your third item really is not a problem, but it is preventing you from solving your first two problems. Prior to considering what to do for your two goals for your two problems, rather than suffer the paranoia that some unknown worst thing could happen without really knowing what that is, you need to acknowledge the worst that could happen with both problems. This is done by considering a realistic worst case scenario for the given problem, and then follow it to its natural conclusion, calculating then the overall impact on the business and your career (the thought of the loss of said career/job likely being the main thing driving your anxiety). Chances are, you will find through this analysis that the result of the worst thing that could happen likely will not cause you to lose your job. You are likely just catastrophizing all of the problems, which makes them seem bigger than what they really are. Now this is true to a point. Obviously you can't let the entire organization under you fall into ruin without suffering some consequence. However, the likelihood of that happening is so small that it really is not a true worst case scenario. So do some thinking on the true worst case scenario for each of your problems above, and then come back here and post about them.

[Lee Grant Irons]

Hey ohpus,

How are things going? Any thoughts on my above message?

[alankay]

Yeah work/life stress causing all this as if you were predisposed you would have developed it much sooner in life. Over load makes it hard to cope stay with the therapist and consider a long talk with the boss. You need not go too deep into any clinical details at all, just tell him/her you need to throttle back for various health/family/personal reasons. Just my take and hang in there. Do keep working with the therapist though. Limit caffeine and alcohol as well for now. Alankay

[ohpus]

Things have been going well. I have been out of town on work and unable to respond. I will elaborate later this week when I return home, but things have significantly improved. Thanks! More to come...

[ohpus]

Very busy week. Work has been pretty good. The travel was actually very good for me. It gave me something to focus on for just one client and leave all of my office concerns alone for a week. While there are still many concerns in my mind, most of them I recognize are not within my realm of control. I will do what I can to help my subordinates get to the point where I can offload some of my responsibilities to them. I also had a long chat with the owner who will be retiring in the next few years. He made it clear that he does not expect me to fill all of his roles. He realizes that my focus is in customer relations and technical knowledge and that I can't perform a lot of the business-related functions he currently handles. It was a very positive conversation and very open. I feel very reassured moving forward as my role will be somewhat of a mix between higher level management and customer interfacing right now.

Obviously, simply understanding some things doesn't take away all of my anxiety. Every morning, I still wake up and my heart jumps a little bit, but even that has significantly improved. I do not dislike my job (or even fear it). Rather, I fear the fear itself. When I make that distinction, it's nowhere near as unbearable as it was in prior weeks and months.

[Lee Grant Irons]

Great progress! Sounds like you got it. Hey, it is normal to feel some apprehension when it comes to breaking new ground at work. But ain't it great when it works out! LOL

[ohpus]

For the past couple of months, my anxiety has been under good control. In the past two weeks, however, it has skyrocketed. There have been a few stresses at work, yes, but nothing compared to what I was going through before. I don't seem to have any trouble making commitments, and most of the time I can follow through on them. It's maintenance that I have trouble with. When my anxiety was peaking, I employed a number of techniques that really helped to calm me down and bring me back to reality. One of those was coming here and reading through other posts to help me realize I'm not alone. I haven't been here in at least 6 weeks, and the coping mechanisms that were helping me to "retrain" my thought processes have all but gone out the window. I have a very bad habit of deeming myself cured at the smallest breakthrough. Well, I need to recommit myself to these techniques. Even as I type this, I can feel myself backing away from that cliff. It's a very good feeling, and I hope to stay that way.

[ohpus]

After reading back through some of my posts here, I'm amazed at how quickly I forgot that what I really fear is the fear itself. I have triggers, of course (upset customers, disgruntled employees, anything that interrupts the flow of my day), but it all comes down to an unrealistic disaster scenario building inside my mind. Even now, I sit here thinking about how a current situation could potentially derail and all land on my shoulders, despite the fact that it is in no way related to me. That worry... that constant, unending, incessant worry just won't let up. Time to play the "what if" game.

[ohpus]

Had a pretty major panic attack in bed this morning. My wife made me breakfast and after my shower, I felt loads better. I've currently identified a few very basic things that I have allowed to slip or forget altogether in my everyday life.

-Exercise. I was going to the gym regularly for about 4 months. I haven't been since early December, save one time in early January.
-Breakfast. I never eat breakfast. I ate breakfast this morning and I feel great.
-Lunch. I usually EAT lunch, but I don't really TAKE lunch. I'll eat at my desk most days and not actually take a break from the rigors of my day.
-Nutrition. My diet is not very balanced at all. It was doing a lot better when my anxiety was getting better, but the past 4-6 weeks it has been terrible.
-Sleep. I average about 6.5 hours of sleep on a work night. On the weekends it's closer to 10. I need to normalize my sleeping schedule. When my anxiety was coming down, I was going to bed at 11:30 and getting up at 8:00. This gave me time for breakfast and plenty of rest, which I know affects my anxiety.
-Journaling. I've never been amazing with my journal, but it helped a lot when the anxiety was at its worst.

How quickly I forget... back to it!