Negative Thoughts - Catchment & Release Area

[Ponder]

Catching Negative thoughts as they arise is an good way go from reacting to being in control. If I can not observe my own behavior then all that I think, say or do is irrelevant. Becoming conscious of these feeling as they arrive is far better than letting them manifest with by continually holding onto them. So it is that this thread is for simply practicing the act of catching negative thoughts and "releasing them"
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Trigger:
Walked across pedestrian crossing and car passed right in from of me.

Reaction and thought:
Spat on car window. I was outrages at the driver, then just as quickly disappointment in myself for having reacted like so.

Trigger:
EGO moment - Saw another person walking very quickly and what appeared to me, as self conscious.

Reaction:
Made a concentrated effort to poise myself all the more in some attempt to make myself look better.
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That's two example, that I'm sure are part of many. However catching them like that and admitting to them, whilst not easy - it does feel like there is a potential to rise above such negative thoughts and or patterns by becoming aware of them as they happen and sharing them like so. Perhaps not for everyone, but for those working who understand the method, perhaps you may have something to add.

Be well.

[tailspin]

Nice idea for a thread, Dave! I am pretty good at observing my thoughts and feelings. Not so good at intervening in that split second between trigger and acting out. That's what I really need to work on. Maybe this thread will help me because instead of actually carrying out the negative action, I can just write about what I feel like doing in that moment. And then let it go.....

Trigger: Received long, pissy letter in mailbox from neighbor about one of our cats who is apparently terrorizing her cat. WTF?????

Reaction and thought: WTF??? I want to march over there and tell her I wish she would move house because I can't stand her or her cat and I much preferred the people who lived there previously!

[Ponder]

Thank You Tailspin for your reply. I think it helps to talk about these things. I have been trying hard to work on anger slash built up resentments. Just when I think I have control, I shock myself, at how easily I still trigger. None the less I think I am getting better.
I had to escort a Tradesmen off the property we rent "Our Home" He become aggressive and when I told him he had to leave started swearing and abusing both my wife and I. I told him if he did not leave I would have to call the police. He escalated with louder swearing and threatening us with eviction (not that he had the power to do so), as we both walked to the front gate. At that point I began to lose control myself - but was aware of it doing my best to keep myself in check. He left and both my wife and I had to simmer down.

After evaluating how I fared throughout the event, I have to believe I am getting better at handling such confrontation and let it go. Emailed real estate and dealt with if from there. Now I am feeling much better and have actually learned about how tension feeds on tension. Next time with more practice in catching myself in a tense moment - I hope to actually remind myself of say - this thread ... like OK ...

Don't feed on it, it's their problem if they are mad not me ... What can I do to make this better? ... yet not be taken advantage of? and so on.
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I had to let that out Tailspin ... But I am concerned for you too. I know you have been having a hard time of late, and if it helps ... well, I don't think I can, but just thankful you had time to pop in here today anyways. Does not matter if these threads get accessed I make - I'm just active in this forum of late, because I need to be is all. Sometimes even if we don't act on what we feel, keeping the feeling inside is just as, if not more damaging than acting out as well. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's easy for us to to say ... "That's OK" ... like when I say "It's OK to be Sad" "but is it really OK?" I've been reading about how we just tell ourselves whatever - that acceptance or accepting something is only one step in many to overcoming "that" which we tell ourselves is OK.

That's why I sometimes look a little deeper into myself with such posts and the like ... Anyways ... I'm just glad you popped in, and despite these pressures we both face, am really pleased we can relate to each other without having to project such tension as that which we are trying to let go. In fact ... every time you encourage me, you give me more strength and wisdom to help me when I have to face conflict like that. None the less, you need you space in which to go as well. Maybe you could get a sign "Beware of The Cat" ??? Big hug for you ... Take care Tail Spin.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/cats/black-and-white-cat-smiley-emoticon.gif (http://www.sherv.net/emoticons.html)

[tailspin]

Thank you, Dave. Love the cat smilie!! :) Ha to the "Beware of Cat" sign!

I am still really stewing over this. As you say, even if we don't act on the feelings, they are still there and they are very difficult to manage. Even though I hate myself when I do act out, at least acting out does get rid of the anger, you know??? In fact, I don't really know how else to get rid of it. So, for example, I did not storm over to this woman's house, which was my first reaction. But now, hours later, I am still pissed as hell. And I don't know what to do about these feelings. I just went for a very brisk walk with my dogs and I was talking out loud a bit (there was no one around!!) just kind of venting, imagining I was talking to this woman. But it didn't help. If anything, doing that just made me angrier because it kept my kind of psyched up.

I have a hard time letting things go. It's a big problem for me. My husband is away this weekend but I told him about the letter on the phone and he said "it's her problem. Don't let it get to you. We'll figure something out when I'm back" (when he is back). And I know that is the sensible way to deal with this. But, I can't let it go. I am really pissed that she wrote that letter and didn't come over and talk to us in a more constructive way. The letter was provocative and just ridiculous really. And it makes me want to be provocative right back at her. With bells on!

I know I'm only hurting myself by stewing on these feelings of anger. But still, I can't seem to stop. Why not??? I mean, my husband received the exact same letter, yet his reaction is totally different to mine. He is not seething with anger over it. He probably won't give it another thought. So why do I let these things get under my skin and fester like this??

Perhaps it's because the thing I've found with my anger is that it's rarely about the thing I think I'm angry about. I mean, this woman for example, deep down, she is not really the thing I'm angry with. She's just a convenient "hook" to pin my anger on. The bottom line is that I'm angry with myself. For not being able to handle things better. For not being able to manage my emotions better. For not being able to change my behavior. I am just so angry at myself. And it becomes a vicious cycle of self-hatred and acting out. I've tried a number of different meds and I've had a lot of therapy over the years. I'm 49 years old FFS!! I don't know when or if I'm ever going to be able to make significant headway with any of this. Over the past few years it just seems to be getting worse.

However, I am very heartened to hear that you have become so much better at handling confrontations, Dave. Has this been a gradual process? Do you think your meds help with anger issues? Or have you just learned to handle your triggers better? I'm really sorry you had that stressful encounter with the tradesman today. Can you report him? The trouble is, I probably would have sunk to his level and started shouting and swearing right back at him. It's very good to hear that you didn't do that. Instead you took the higher ground and that has led to you feeling good about yourself. And you will be able to build on that success next time. That is what I lack: the upward momentum of building on previous successes. Lately, I just seem to continually set myself up for failure and, again, the self-hatred just grows.

Sorry to go on for so long. Thanks for letting me get that out, Dave! I really appreciate it! And, actually, it has helped me quite a bit! it's also really good to hear that you are managing things so well. Especially given that you are in the process of moving, which in itself, is very stressful.

Wishing you all the best, Dave! Thanks again.

[Ponder]

Although I said I did my best to keep control, I did give in and swear towards then end – the thing for me was that I did not lose complete control. I am usually easily baited and before starting on the meds I am on now, the whole street could hear me raging at the top of my lungs – my face would be filled with blood and at other times when I was really bad, I would be waving a kitchen knife frantically about in my front yard egging on anyone who wanted to come in the yard and have a piece of me. Pure rage that has literally contributed to the ulcer on my esophagus.

I only bring this up to highlight the change in me, compare to then. This is what I mean about despite losing it towards the end of that incident with the tradesman, I was still able to observe myself, but only because of the efforts I have made in here with the so called “finding out self” threads I have been doing.

Same as when a car the other day … slowly crossed in front of me as I walked across a painted pedestrian crossing – I spat and cursed that my mouth was to dry as not to make a better slag of it, but just as quickly as I did that, I saw the pain in my head as an ugly face -> My Face! And I also felt the acid and could visually see that on the inside of myself as clear as I could my face – but with no mirrors. That type of technique is about feeling the pain – Apparently if you can practice that in a mirror (or without) when you are not upset – it’s a good introduction about learning how negative emotions slowly make us physically sick and age on a chemical level. Once I screw up my face a few times in the mirror and looked deeply into just how ugly, sad and pathetic I looked – I then realized just how negative energy attracts so easily – not just others – but how it feeds for more negative thoughts like a junky having another hit, because when the pain subsides – all that’s left is an empty hole of despair – “unable to fill it up and having suffered for years the same pattern, the mind typically fills our heads with negative images, which feeds the brains receptors with all it’s really known … Pain … Without realizing it, although we continually cry out and accept our conditions – we still feed on it, as it’s easier to react than not to feel nothing at all.

I really don’t know if I am explaining this properly tailspin. None of us really experience total peace as it’s ever been advertised. There is always background tensions of sorts going on here and there – I don’t have a firm grip on it really, other than my attempts into looking into whatever I think can work for me.

I was just short of slipping into aggressive paranoia before being prescribed an off label use of whatever antipsychotic for “extreme anxiety” - Labels only go so far and always open to change – People place too much emphasis on them IMO – In my situation, I was about to simply go psychotic and just glad the doctor treating me was able to see that.

So yea … Since taking that medicine and still … it’s done a lot more for me than the anti depressant, as most antidepressants really don’t treat the anxiety and if people claim so, it’s only the symptoms. I know that … So for me, taking meds is a complete waste of time if I do nothing to look into how my behavioral patterns and thinking as been damaged over time. So I am doing Both … Meds and Psychotherapy, however I don’t rely on an appointment schedule for that either … as to do so, is nothing more than like popping my pills at a designated time and doing nothing else.

Lastly ... This mindfulness “stuff” or whatever being used in mental health these days – is also something I highly value, however again … It goes way beyond the breathing and always depending on some kind of coping mechanism as to keep relying on that it like simply just saying – “it’s ok to be Sad” “Ok I accept this” … and although we seem to have a plan in place, we keep grasping onto the copping method without really letting go of our Sickness … our sick mind. We become full time sick people dependant on medication and services in more of a consumerist context more than one that actually makes people well and frees them of the human condition.

That book … “The Power of Now” is what’s helping me. I still need my meds though – perhaps I may cut back the anti-depressant, but the quetiapine is helping me to break the consent rage cycle and quiet my mind some. All the years of abuse, oppression, seeing my children grow up in this sick world and suffering in similarly ways – my spiritual openness to see what’s really going on has in fact has me on a double edged sword of either going over the edge or giving myself up for the simply act to just let it all go and live what little life there is left in me.

I know what you’re going through now though … images and thinking, around and around … later when hubby gets home, then more talk and feeding – But the fact you have looked past that now and questioning why your still running the same race for so long – is a good thing.

Honestly, if you have not read the Power of Now – think about it. It does not challenge religion whatsoever, if anything – it complements an individual’s ability to have faith and become more able to connect with what matters, as opposed to being prisoners of our own minds twisted perceptions and or negative behavioral and thinking patterns.

I really am wishing you well as you read this NOW … all we have is now, so forget what’s happened and don’t stew on what’s has not … take a moment to know just how precious you really are … right now. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/cats/cat-chasing-tail-smiley-emoticon.gif (http://www.sherv.net/emoticons.html)

[Ponder]

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OR you could get your neighbors email address and send her the following:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/283yu34yu5_zps8251fab4.gif (http://s181.photobucket.com/user/davekyn/media/283yu34yu5_zps8251fab4.gif.html)

[jessed03]

Ponder, you get some classic emoticons! Your posts are always full of life.

How do you import them into the page? Every time I try and do it, the best I can come up with is to upload the link. I like seeing little moving icons on the page, and the boxing cat. Stuff like that makes posts look less serious. It can get very stuffy when talking about mental health stuff. Anything that makes it more 'fun' is A-ok in my book.

Ok, I like the idea of this thread, so I'll contribute one:

Trigger: Saw an ex classmate who is super successful now

Reaction: To beat myself up a little for not 'living my dreams', to get frustrated at myself.

I'm not sure whether I was just tired and a little low, or whether it was a bit of a call from my mind to put in some more work. I have been a bit of a slacker lately! Slightly lost for direction since I quit my job. I'll see what comes up over the coming weeks.

Anyway. Stay well, and good luck with all the things ya'll have going on :)

[tailspin]

Hi Dave, love the kitty!!! Very cool!! I wonder if my neighbor would see the humor? Somehow, I think not! But I'd love to send it anyway, just to get her goat!!

Thanks for explaining more about your experiences with rage, and how the Seroquel has helped with that (as well as your own work on this, and and readings etc). I am starting to wonder about adding Abilify (another atypical) to my anti-depressant to see if that might help with my anger issues. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about this at my next appointment. Thanks for the book recommendation too.

Hi Jessed, your trigger is a massive trigger for me too. For lots of people I bet. Anyhow, just want to say, you are an absolute star, Jessed!

[tailspin]

Trigger this morning: Went outside to try and put up some barriers to deter the kitties from leaving our property, but quickly saw this was a futile exercise as the area is way too large.

Thought and Reaction: As I was semi-barricading myself into my own backyard I thought to myself: everywhere I go I create enemies. Why am I so difficult? FML.

[Ponder]

Hi Jesse - Thanks for the kind words and sharing.

Allow me to share my emote hints and tips:

The following site makes it easy:
http://www.sherv.net/Animated-MSN-Emoticons.html
______________________________________________http ://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/penguins/happy-feet-penguin-smiley-emoticon.gif (http://www.sherv.net/emoticons.html)

Once it loads up, I usually go to the top right hand corner and search in the "Enter Search Terms Box" http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/big-smiley-cryingresized_zpsb58d097a.gif[/IMG] (http://s181.photobucket.com/user/davekyn/media/big-smiley-cryingresized_zpsb58d097a.gif.html)


If I want to say welcome someone, then I type in Welcome
Nothing comes up ???
Good example that the site is not that great with search strings - lets try something else (if I can't find what I am looking for there - I show you next best after this lesson)

Search for hmmmm ---- laughing
You can scroll down the page and click next or 1-5
Actually I type in "hysterical"
Then click on one emote you like:
The next page will offer you more on the same line of thinking - so you could always choose again or if you want to use the selected one up the top now being display:
Find the yellow CODE box - click on it:
Under the Forum Code -> mouse over till the outside box highlights red -> then left click once:
This should auto highlight the code so all you have to do now is right click/then click copy-

click on the webpage tab to come back to forum post - then right click and past within the text or at the end of line. I'll put min in the next line below -
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif (http://www.sherv.net/emoticons.html)
Just click preview to check:

Let me know how that works?

Now -. because welcome did not work or I could not find what I was looking for -> You go to
Google
click on images
Under the search box you will see the following TABS:
Web Images Maps Shopping More Search Tools

Click on Search Tools:
Click on Type
Click on Animated
Also under the Tools Tab - you can [U]click on SIZE then -> Icon to filter out all the pigs pictures
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You actually wont see them animate until you load the preview up and then you have to wait a little for it to load, plus in some cases they are not animated - (just have to keep trying)
Once you find something you like - right click/save as picture (direct to your download location on your computer -> example->[My pictures]

Now what you need is a FREE picture hosing site.
For this kind of think I use www.photobucket.com

One you have an account with a likewise photo hosting site -> Upload your picture (animation - AKA Gif file)
Click on that picture in your library or wherever you see it:
an IMG code should be present
Photobucket usually one requires one left click and it then copies for you:
Paste into your forum post box and preview.
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The second method I use for ones I can't find in the first method.
Whilst I use Photoshop for my Photography, I use Jasc Animation Shop which come with Paint shop Pro 8 (however you could just search for Jasc Animation Shop on Google maybe) ... anyways I use to Resize a lit of animations I find to big as well as just personalize a few I like. I made the following for a user name in another forum I use:
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Daves%20Home%20Made%20Gifs/DaveAnimatedPenSignatureresized2.gif (http://s181.photobucket.com/user/davekyn/media/Daves%20Home%20Made%20Gifs/DaveAnimatedPenSignatureresized2.gif.html)
Of course I understand not everyone wants to make there own animation ... But it is handy to be able to re-size them with just a few clicks.

I do hope you found some of this useful Jesse .... I will finsih with one I just found searching on the internet - then saved to my Photobucket account which I think copied an pasted the [IMG] code link:
Dam it ... can only post 4 images .... I use it in my post to Tailspil to whom I have just seen post ... writing now tail spin ( : ) )

[Ponder]

Nice to see you again Tailspin :)
I hope you are able to somehow work with what your going through atm.

srry for the short post- I have to get my son up and take him to school - all the same - I am wishing you well

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/thgreatday3bf.gif (http://s181.photobucket.com/user/davekyn/media/thgreatday3bf.gif.html)

[tailspin]

Hi Dave! (My name is Joanna). Thanks so much. I appreciate it. Thanks also for the great animatronics! :-) And for this thread. I'm going to be using it a lot!

Trigger: Saw the Virgin Atlantic 747 fly overhead. I know it's the San Francisco-London flight because it always leaves SFO around the same time and I see it quite often overhead (it's pretty distinctive with it's 4 red engines and (usually) big red tail). I've been on that flight many times. Just not once in the past 6 years....

Thoughts/Reaction: How have I let things get this bad? That now even the thought of getting on that plane sends me into a....tailspin :-( I feel like I have created a giant trap for myself and now I'm well and truly caught in it. Where did the old me go???? I never even used to think the old me was all that great. But now I'd give anything to be the old me again. FTS!!

[jessed03]

Wow, thanks for the write up Ponder. I see where I was going wrong. I was saving them to the wrong place, and they were losing the animation affect. Duhhh! Anyway, thanks. The forum has never been so bright since you begun posting ;)

For some reason I like calling you Ponder. I think it's the whole first impressions thing. I first spoke to you under the name 'Ponder' and my mind doesn't seem to want to change it's first image of the interaction... LOL! A little like when you learn your mums first name, or your teachers.

@Joanna, things not seeming so good right now!... Hmm... Actually, F**k it! I'm going back to 'tailspin'

@ Tailspin, things not seeming so good right now?

Who is the old you? How long ago was old you? A case of months, or years maybe? A lot of depression is intertwined, so maybe it isn't so bad. Maybe once a couple of things are back within your grasp, the rest will follow?

It's funny you say you make enemies wherever you go. I said it in another thread, you're one of the most likeable people I've ever come across. I don't even know what there would be to dislike about you. I guess something is getting lost in translation somewhere. Maybe the inner you comes out better online, where there is much less stress, and the speed of interactions are reduced. Who knows. A lot of the time people aren't bad, just tired. I can tell parts of you seem tired.

When was your first major episode with anxiety/ depression, if you don't mind be asking.

I hope life picks up soon.

[tailspin]

Thanks, Jessed! Sorry to keep repeating myself, but I really appreciate you!! Thanks also for asking further clarifying questions.

I don't want to write a novel so will just say that, to cut a long story short, my anxiety issues came first. They started in childhood. My Mum tells me I was very clingy and I can remember having various phobias and just basically not wanting to be separated from my Mum at all and hating having to go to kindergarten and not even really wanting to go to friend's houses and stuff. It was enough of a problem that my Mum took me to a childhood shrink, which was pretty radical back then (we're talking late 60s!!!) Anyhow, I don't remember how, but somehow I was able to grow out of all that and I did well for many years.

I did have some issues - notably, my eating disorder. Also, I've always been a worrier and I did have some depressive episodes. But it was all very manageable (well, ok, my eating disorder went through phases of being out of control). But the point is, nothing held me back. I read all the posts by young people on this forum who are suffering badly from anxiety and I have to say that I had nothing like that until much later. In fact my late teens through my twenties were the best years of my life.

My 30's saw my depression start to increase. And my Eating Disorder was really bad in my 30's too. I first started on anti-depressants when I was about 35 or so. I started having therapy at that point too. But again, I wasn't held back in my life.

Fast forward to today......In retrospect I can see that I left a big part of the old me back in England. Because the old me was very bound up with my job. And my job necessitated that I was very outgoing. In particular, I traveled so much!! Hard to believe now!!!

For the first few years after moving here to California I was still able to travel and be outgoing. Hubby and I went on some great travel adventures!! And we also went back to England twice a year every year and I enjoyed showing him "my country"! LOL!.

I'm not sure what went wrong exactly. It was a gradual process and a combination of different factors. For some reason I haven't really been able to "re-invent" myself since I moved here. Consequently, I feel like a shadow of my former self. I also genuinely miss England. Even though I was more than ready to leave London when I first came here. The culture in America is SO DIFFERENT to England. I still haven't got used to parts of it. Even after 13+ years!

Mainly, I think I just completely under-estimated the magnitude of the change I was making by moving here.

Anyhow, at some point I began feeling very anxious for no reason that I could put my finger on. I'm talking clinical anxiety here. Full on GAD. Soon the anxiety began manifesting in physical ways, and then I had my first all-out panic attack. This was about 6 or so years ago now. It's been a very bumpy road ever since with my anxiety at times reaching levels I could never even have imagined previously. Soon I started becoming afraid of my own mind. And of my own body. And, well, you know what a vicious cycle is. Gradually I became more and more reluctant to do things. Even though - and this is just one of many crazy things - the worst panic attacks I've ever had have been in my own home. In my own bed. So it's not like I have a "safe zone". I don't feel safe anywhere. That really started to become my unraveling. Because I realized that, since what I was essentially afraid of was myself, there really was NO escape at all. This is the single most terrifying realization I have ever had.

As I began avoiding more and more things, my depression got increasingly worse. I also started to feel plain ill a lot of the time. And this continues to be a problem today. Despite my panic attacks - for the most part - being much better controlled, and even my GAD being quite a bit better (from the SSRI's I think, since I never went the benzo route). But my depression is awful again. And my anxiety is still lurking in the background, waiting to strike (or so it seems). I definitely could not say that my anxiety is "cured".

Another big factor in all this was getting our dogs. This was my idea. I've always wanted a dog, but never had the lifestyle to allow for one. Until moving here. I never imagined I would become so incredibly bonded with my dogs! To the point where I literally NEVER leave them. They are with me 24 hours a day and they are the main focus of my world. I cannot imagine leaving them, even for a weekend, let alone for, say, a couple of weeks, while I went back to England. At the beginning we did have a fabulous dog sitter who came and lived at our house while we were away. We didn't go away much after we got the dogs - or at least, we only went places where we could take them, which is still a lot of places, though obviously it excludes flying. But for a couple of years we did continue to go to England once a year for 10 days at a time. It was very difficult for me to leave the dogs, but this woman (the dogsitter) really was one in a million, and the dogs loved her. Then, she moved out of state and I haven't been able to find anyone else who even comes close. So, for the last 6 years I have not left my dogs. And then, 2 years ago, we added a new puppy to the mix and I have never been away from him for more than about an hour since we got him. And now I can't imagine doing so.

I know this is not healthy. But I can't explain it, I just can't leave them. I also don't really want to leave them. I've done a lot of traveling in my life. I don't need or want to be jetting off to far-flung places anymore. But I would like to be able to go somewhere. Occasionally. And I feel really bad that I haven't been back to England in 6 years (even though my Mum does come here every year for 6 weeks). The only option really would be to leave the dogs with my husband and go back to England on my own for a week or so. But even that doesn't feel possible. Because then my fear of flying - and just my fear generally - comes into play.....

That's what I mean by saying I feel like I have created a trap for myself. Don't get me wrong. I adore my dogs. But I have kind of lost my balance...And while I have re-invented myself as a crazy dog lady, I feel that I need to be more than that too. And that's where I'm kind of stuck.

Well, so much for cutting a long story short. Jeez......Sorry, this did become a novel! Thank you for listening, jessed!

[tailspin]

PS: Can you tell me more about you so I don't feel so one-sided!!! ;) Can you tell me again how yours started? I think it was very sudden? (Only if you want to, obviously!)

PPS: Thanks for the nice things you said. What you suggest here is pretty spot on, I think:


I guess something is getting lost in translation somewhere. Maybe the inner you comes out better online, where there is much less stress, and the speed of interactions are reduced. Who knows. A lot of the time people aren't bad, just tired. I can tell parts of you seem tired.

[Ponder]

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This is a photo of a flower I took in my backyard last year. It's a great example of how perspective can change our view. Taking the time to look withing ourselves without passing judgment is a great way to capture that light that is within all of us. Having now discovered your name and reading such a beautiful share, I feel this flower belongs to you Joanna:

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7083/6961988512_7ce9f10857.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/6961988512/)
In the absense of words (http://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/6961988512/) by L_Plate_Dave (http://www.flickr.com/people/71988794@N08/), on Flickr

[Ponder]

Trigger:
Car almost ran into another man on the pedestrian crossing today. The lady was also on her phone.

Thoughts/Reaction:
WTF ... You've got to be &^%$ing kidding me ... Just came back from having to reorder my lunch because the people rushed that and now this ... Come On! .. Grrrrrrr .... Deep breath ... then Spoke out loud "and she's also on her Phone!" Then all of a sudden the man started yelling and swearing as well as he continued on his way. I was happy that I said something than having not, however not so, with how angry I felt.

Trigger:
Lady pulled out in from of me. (I'm sure the guys will be next :) )

Thought/reaction:
I thought - COME ON! ... but it happened so fast, I had not chance to hit my horn as was actually glad for it, as I simmered down as quick as the event took place. Very pleased with how that worked out. ;)

[tailspin]

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This is a photo of a flower I took in my backyard last year. It's a great example of how perspective can change our view. Taking the time to look withing ourselves without passing judgment is a great way to capture that light that is within all of us. Having now discovered your name and reading such a beautiful share, I feel this flower belongs to you Joanna:

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7083/6961988512_7ce9f10857.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/6961988512/)
In the absense of words (http://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/6961988512/) by L_Plate_Dave (http://www.flickr.com/people/71988794@N08/), on Flickr

THANK YOU, Dave!!!! What a beautiful, beautiful photograph! And thank you for the kind words too. I really appreciate it a lot! Thank you!!

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Trigger:
Car almost ran into another man on the pedestrian crossing today. The lady was also on her phone.

Thoughts/Reaction:
WTF ... You've got to be &^%$ing kidding me ... Just came back from having to reorder my lunch because the people rushed that and now this ... Come On! .. Grrrrrrr .... Deep breath ... then Spoke out loud "and she's also on her Phone!" Then all of a sudden the man started yelling and swearing as well as he continued on his way. I was happy that I said something than having not, however not so, with how angry I felt.

Trigger:
Lady pulled out in from of me. (I'm sure the guys will be next :) )

Thought/reaction:
I thought - COME ON! ... but it happened so fast, I had not chance to hit my horn as was actually glad for it, as I simmered down as quick as the event took place. Very pleased with how that worked out. ;)

Other drivers are a HUGE trigger for me too!! In this country you have to be careful though because so many people carry guns. You quite often hear on the news about people being shot and killed in road rage incidents! So that has helped curb the outbursts of my road rage somewhat!!! ;)

[tailspin]

Trigger: Was cuddling one of my dogs this morning and felt a lump on her leg.

Thoughts and reaction: Felt sick to my stomach. And as if my heart was going to stop. Thoughts were: Cancer. Suffering. Amputation. More suffering. Euthanasia. Me having a nervous breakdown from grief. :( :( Called my husband over to check the lump. He felt it and said "Oh dear. That doesn't feel good." (My husband is usually really calm about things, so his reaction scared me more.). Three of our friends have lost their dogs to cancer which started as a lump on the leg. My dog is a little over 10 years old so she is totally at that age where bad things can start happening. Called to make an appointment at the vet. Taking her to get the lump checked in an hour. Trying to stay busy until then. Also trying to tell myself it could be benign. Two of our other dogs have lumps which turned out to be benign. This one feels different though. I love my dogs so much!!!!

[jessed03]

Trigger: Was cuddling one of my dogs this morning and felt a lump on her leg.

Thoughts and reaction: Felt sick to my stomach. And as if my heart was going to stop. Thoughts were: Cancer. Suffering. Amputation. More suffering. Euthanasia. Me having a nervous breakdown from grief. :( :( Called my husband over to check the lump. He felt it and said "Oh dear. That doesn't feel good." (My husband is usually really calm about things, so his reaction scared me more.). Three of our friends have lost their dogs to cancer which started as a lump on the leg. My dog is a little over 10 years old so she is totally at that age where bad things can start happening. Called to make an appointment at the vet. Taking her to get the lump checked in an hour. Trying to stay busy until then. Also trying to tell myself it could be benign. Two of our other dogs have lumps which turned out to be benign. This one feels different though. I love my dogs so much!!!!

Damn, I hope it goes ok. Good luck Joanna.

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Thanks, Jessed. The vet aspirated the lump on Ebony's leg and sent it away for cytology. Should get the results in a couple of days. She said she didn't like the fact that it was a hard lump and that either way, benign or not, the lump should be removed which will involve surgery (obviously).

Mainly I feel numb, which is a relief. It's like my brain knows that I can't deal with this so it's protecting me (for once) by not letting me go there. I haven't even googled canine cancer. I just know I can't go there yet. End of story.

It also helps enormously that Ebbie (my darling girl!) is absolutely fine in herself. Bless her beautiful little heart. She isn't in any pain or discomfort as a result of this lump. And is completely herself. That makes everything easier because the main thing is Ebbie's wellbeing.

I kept busy at work today - actually doing work. Then I suddenly started crying really hard. Hubby was on hand to offer me comfort and hugs. Then I went back to not wanting to think about it again. I'm trying to stay in that not thinking about it zone for as long as I can. Well, at least until we get the results of the fine needle aspirate. Until then I just want to stay distracted. And not even talk about it.

Interesting that all the things I was SO angry about only a matter of hours ago seem so unimportant now. They just don't matter anymore. At all.

More than ever now I need to build up some emotional resilience. Not waste my energy poisoning myself with anger about things that, ultimately, just don't matter. Need to save my strength so I have more strength for the things that do matter!

Wish they had a blogging feature on this site. But luckily Dave has started some great threads where we can do some in-thread blogging!! Thanks again, Dave!!

[trinidiva]

Thanks, Jessed. The vet aspirated the lump on Ebony's leg and sent it away for cytology. Should get the results in a couple of days. She said she didn't like the fact that it was a hard lump and that either way, benign or not, the lump should be removed which will involve surgery (obviously).

Mainly I feel numb, which is a relief. It's like my brain knows that I can't deal with this so it's protecting me (for once) by not letting me go there. I haven't even googled canine cancer. I just know I can't go there yet. End of story.

It also helps enormously that Ebbie (my darling girl!) is absolutely fine in herself. Bless her beautiful little heart. She isn't in any pain or discomfort as a result of this lump. And is completely herself. That makes everything easier because the main thing is Ebbie's wellbeing.

I kept busy at work today - actually doing work. Then I suddenly started crying really hard. Hubby was on hand to offer me comfort and hugs. Then I went back to not wanting to think about it again. I'm trying to stay in that not thinking about it zone for as long as I can. Well, at least until we get the results of the fine needle aspirate. Until then I just want to stay distracted. And not even talk about it.

Interesting that all the things I was SO angry about only a matter of hours ago seem so unimportant now. They just don't matter anymore. At all.

More than ever now I need to build up some emotional resilience. Not waste my energy poisoning myself with anger about things that, ultimately, just don't matter. Need to save my strength so I have more strength for the things that do matter!

Wish they had a blogging feature on this site. But luckily Dave has started some great threads where we can do some in-thread blogging!! Thanks again, Dave!!

I've been thinking of you and your precious doggy....how is she? Any word yet?

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I've been thinking of you and your precious doggy....how is she? Any word yet?

Hey friend! Thanks for thinking of me. I really appreciate it. I'm struggling with this. My depression is kicking my butt. Still don't know what we're dealing with. The initial cytology was inconclusive so we've had to do a biopsy. Won't get the results of that until next week. The waiting is awful. But not as awful as getting bad news. Actually, we're having an issue with one of our other dogs too. Waiting to find out more about an abnormality in her blood work regarding her kidney values. On the positive side, both doggies (and my other two dogs too) are fine in themselves at this point. They are definitely not suffering. That's the main thing. But my nerves are really shredded! Not doing too well building up any resilience so far. But staying really busy is helping. When I stop being busy the depression is overwhelming. Hoping for better days!!

How are you, trini?? I'll have a look round and see if I can find your thread with any updates. Thinking of you too and sending hugs! xxxxx

[Ponder]

I've also been wondering too. I can only just say, it's good to see your name again.
Be Well ...

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I've also been wondering too. I can only just say, it's good to see your name again.
Be Well ...

Hey Dave! Thanks so much! I've been feeling really bleak. My emotional stability is like a house of cards, even when things are going ok. So when I'm faced with an actual big stress factor - such as the potentially serious illness - and worse - of a loved one, I just go into a kind of freefall moodwise. But it's good to see you again! In fact, I'm going to head over to your other thread and take a look at some of your pics!

Thanks again for the kind words, Dave!

[trinidiva]

Hey friend! Thanks for thinking of me. I really appreciate it. I'm struggling with this. My depression is kicking my butt. Still don't know what we're dealing with. The initial cytology was inconclusive so we've had to do a biopsy. Won't get the results of that until next week. The waiting is awful. But not as awful as getting bad news. Actually, we're having an issue with one of our other dogs too. Waiting to find out more about an abnormality in her blood work regarding her kidney values. On the positive side, both doggies (and my other two dogs too) are fine in themselves at this point. They are definitely not suffering. That's the main thing. But my nerves are really shredded! Not doing too well building up any resilience so far. But staying really busy is helping. When I stop being busy the depression is overwhelming. Hoping for better days!!

How are you, trini?? I'll have a look round and see if I can find your thread with any updates. Thinking of you too and sending hugs! xxxxx

Hi!!!!! So good to "see" you again. I'm sorry that youve been having a rough time with your depression. Please hang in there. Life is like a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs. ...we just have to stay on for the ride. Embrace the good and the bad days..and even on what feels like your worst day, try to find something good to feel positive about....no matter how small it might be. I get a little down myself sometimes...and I really work at finding something positive to hold onto until I get out of my little funk.
I'm glad your dogs are doing well. As long as they are happy and not suffering...that is a great thing!
I'm still mainly on the anxiety disorder side of this forum, but I jump over on this side occasionally too. Speak with you soon and take care!!!!

[tailspin]

Hi!!!!! So good to "see" you again. I'm sorry that youve been having a rough time with your depression. Please hang in there. Life is like a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs. ...we just have to stay on for the ride. Embrace the good and the bad days..and even on what feels like your worst day, try to find something good to feel positive about....no matter how small it might be. I get a little down myself sometimes...and I really work at finding something positive to hold onto until I get out of my little funk.
I'm glad your dogs are doing well. As long as they are happy and not suffering...that is a great thing!
I'm still mainly on the anxiety disorder side of this forum, but I jump over on this side occasionally too. Speak with you soon and take care!!!!

Thank you so much, trini! I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and even though I still haven't quite decided what medication to try next, I did come away from the session feeling a bit more hopeful. I know that meds can only do so much anyway and that I need to work more on my attitude. Definitely making more effort to focus on some positives is really important! Thanks, trini! xxxx

I am STILL waiting on the biopsy results of my doggie. The lab is being so slow.....The vet said she would chase them again and hopefully I will get the results today. Not that I'm in any rush to get bad news, but still, we need to know what we're dealing with.