mousecat
11-21-2013, 02:23 PM
I am experiencing a bombardment of anxieties and depressive feelings at the moment. It has been going on for the last year.
A lot of it has to do with my work. To cut a long story short, I've had a crappy year at work, stuck on a project I hate, under management I don't respect. I've been short of money, and trying to support my family has been hard. In spring this year, my best friend at work left for another company, and a couple of other colleagues left too. I myself wanted to leave but for whatever reason couldn't get a new job elsewhere, so I'm still at the same place. (I did look, and stupidly turned down two offers because they didn't feel right).
I feel paralysed. I am scared and anxious about staying, but terrified of the risk of leaving. I don't know what to do. There is fear in which ever direction I look. If I get a new job what if it doesn't work out? And yet, I don't want to stay. I am nearly 40 and feel like I need to grow up and move on, so I can earn better wages and move upward in my career and support my family better.
Now this week everything changed. An opportunity has arisen for promotion at my current work place. I plucked up the courage to actually go for it. I will be interviewed next week. It would mean more money and more seniority. But I keep getting hit by huge waves of panic about it. For one thing, I don't know if I'm actually capable of being a 'leader'? Having been a 'follower' for so many years (since my 20's), I feel racked with doubt about my ability to lead.
Will my colleagues respect me in a leader position, having been peers and friends for so long at my own level? And will I actually be able to handle the responsibility? More to the point, am I a traitor to myself even considering the position, considering how bad a year I've had and how desperately I wanted to leave the firm? Suddenly a chance has come up and I feel like, wow, hang on a second, maybe that's my ticket?
I worry that I am doing something stupid. I mean, I have a job, right? Should I not be content with that instead of taking dumb risks? OR would it be more dumb to stay at my current level. Part of me thinks I should 'man up' now at this point in my life, because it could be my last chance. But the coward in me screams 'what the f*ck' are you doing!?'
Tonight as I sat watching a movie I felt the walls closing in. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't see a way out, or know where to go or what to do. My entire life, everything I know, is suddenly so foggy, so uncertain, I can't think what I'm doing.
My wife thinks I'm having a nervous breakdown or a mid life crisis or something.
I cannot seem to make sense of where my life is going and I feel terrified and panicky about the near future.
But... I could handle it... I could make something better of myself... I could DO IT and be better for it. Right?
I can't think straight. This has been going on for a while now. I feel I need to change things, to better myself, but at the same time the prospect of change scares me. How pathetic is that?
The feelings of anxiety have grown heavier by the day, until today I almost crumpled under their weight.
Help me.
A lot of it has to do with my work. To cut a long story short, I've had a crappy year at work, stuck on a project I hate, under management I don't respect. I've been short of money, and trying to support my family has been hard. In spring this year, my best friend at work left for another company, and a couple of other colleagues left too. I myself wanted to leave but for whatever reason couldn't get a new job elsewhere, so I'm still at the same place. (I did look, and stupidly turned down two offers because they didn't feel right).
I feel paralysed. I am scared and anxious about staying, but terrified of the risk of leaving. I don't know what to do. There is fear in which ever direction I look. If I get a new job what if it doesn't work out? And yet, I don't want to stay. I am nearly 40 and feel like I need to grow up and move on, so I can earn better wages and move upward in my career and support my family better.
Now this week everything changed. An opportunity has arisen for promotion at my current work place. I plucked up the courage to actually go for it. I will be interviewed next week. It would mean more money and more seniority. But I keep getting hit by huge waves of panic about it. For one thing, I don't know if I'm actually capable of being a 'leader'? Having been a 'follower' for so many years (since my 20's), I feel racked with doubt about my ability to lead.
Will my colleagues respect me in a leader position, having been peers and friends for so long at my own level? And will I actually be able to handle the responsibility? More to the point, am I a traitor to myself even considering the position, considering how bad a year I've had and how desperately I wanted to leave the firm? Suddenly a chance has come up and I feel like, wow, hang on a second, maybe that's my ticket?
I worry that I am doing something stupid. I mean, I have a job, right? Should I not be content with that instead of taking dumb risks? OR would it be more dumb to stay at my current level. Part of me thinks I should 'man up' now at this point in my life, because it could be my last chance. But the coward in me screams 'what the f*ck' are you doing!?'
Tonight as I sat watching a movie I felt the walls closing in. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't see a way out, or know where to go or what to do. My entire life, everything I know, is suddenly so foggy, so uncertain, I can't think what I'm doing.
My wife thinks I'm having a nervous breakdown or a mid life crisis or something.
I cannot seem to make sense of where my life is going and I feel terrified and panicky about the near future.
But... I could handle it... I could make something better of myself... I could DO IT and be better for it. Right?
I can't think straight. This has been going on for a while now. I feel I need to change things, to better myself, but at the same time the prospect of change scares me. How pathetic is that?
The feelings of anxiety have grown heavier by the day, until today I almost crumpled under their weight.
Help me.