lbamford10
11-21-2013, 12:24 PM
OK, to give you a brief background. I'm 26 and I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I had panic attacks as a child and through my life and still have them now. I just never knew what they were. About a year and a half ago I woke up out of a dead sleep on the couch with this overwhelming feeling of dread and emptiness. I just felt like I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. It was the strongest feeling I've ever felt. And I COULD NOT snap out of it. I have the unfortunate pleasure of having derealization with my anxiety which makes me feel like I'm in a dream or like I'm not in reality. Like I don't know what's going on in my head or how to control my own thoughts or the way I feel.
I woke up the next day and instantly thought - OMG I hope that feeling doesn't come back and sure enough - it did. You look for it, you'll find it, always. And that's what I do. I was put on Celexa (10mg/day) and Ativan (.5mg as needed) a few days after that incident and in 2 weeks or so I was seemingly feeling better. A few months later I thought the Celexa was making me depressed, so I asked my doctor to take me off of it. I spent a while off the meds and only taking the Ativan when I had panic attacks. But I still had an overwhelming sense of anxiety every single day. I tried Lexapro but I thought it made me jumpy and like I couldn't sit still so I stopped it after one day. I tried Prozac and all I did was cry non stop for 2 days straight (And I know those were probably self inflicted side effects because these drugs take long than that to kick in) and me reading all the negative stuff about them on the internet before I take them does NOT HELP.
I started seeing a therapist when this all happened and she really didn't help me much at all. She just kept telling me to "focus on the happy" Well lady, it's hard to focus on the happy when you feel terrified and out of reality all day.
I switched therapist to a Dr. with her PhD in psychology and started the Celexa again. I've noticed that it really does help my depression, even if it doesn't do anything for my anxiety. I started at 10mg and then went up to 20mg. But it didn't seem to work. My doctor recommended Wellbutrin 150mg because she said the SSRI's didn't seem to be working (even though in reality I had only give one of them -celexa- a fair shot) This made me feel completely out of it. I talked to my doctor and she said that the Wellbutrin boots the effects of the celexa. So we decided to come off the Celexa, again. And go to 300mg of Wellbutrin. Then I spoke to my therapist and told her I thought the Celexa was helping my depression so she called my doctor and put me back on 10mg Celexa - Still with me? I think called my doctor and told her I just don't feel "right" on the Wellbutrin. It's a different feeling than anxiety it's like I'm restless and have energy (which I know Wellbutrin does) but I can't calm my mind at all. And my sense of reality is completely gone. Sometimes I'll just be sitting here and I don't even know the difference between feeling normal and becoming accustom to the derealization. It's the scariest thing EVER. I'm so afraid that the longer I stay like this, the more I'm going to push myself away from a reality that I will never be able to get back. I just don't know any more. I don't know what I think, I don't know how I feel. I just want normal back.
So now I am on 10mg Celexa and 150mg Wellbutrin. I am going to come off the Wellbutrin because it is making me feel so out of it and just flighty I guess you could say and either way it's not helping my anxiety so, to the curb. It did help me quit smoking though. So I guess that was good.
My therapist says her favorite SSRI for anxiety is Zoloft. Once I'm off the Wellbutrin I am going to ask her to switch me from Celexa to Zoloft.
I just hope this feeling goes away. This "I don't know what's normal and what's not" The "am I even in reality right now" I can't take it. I honestly can't do this much longer. This feeling every single day. I can't do it.
I woke up the next day and instantly thought - OMG I hope that feeling doesn't come back and sure enough - it did. You look for it, you'll find it, always. And that's what I do. I was put on Celexa (10mg/day) and Ativan (.5mg as needed) a few days after that incident and in 2 weeks or so I was seemingly feeling better. A few months later I thought the Celexa was making me depressed, so I asked my doctor to take me off of it. I spent a while off the meds and only taking the Ativan when I had panic attacks. But I still had an overwhelming sense of anxiety every single day. I tried Lexapro but I thought it made me jumpy and like I couldn't sit still so I stopped it after one day. I tried Prozac and all I did was cry non stop for 2 days straight (And I know those were probably self inflicted side effects because these drugs take long than that to kick in) and me reading all the negative stuff about them on the internet before I take them does NOT HELP.
I started seeing a therapist when this all happened and she really didn't help me much at all. She just kept telling me to "focus on the happy" Well lady, it's hard to focus on the happy when you feel terrified and out of reality all day.
I switched therapist to a Dr. with her PhD in psychology and started the Celexa again. I've noticed that it really does help my depression, even if it doesn't do anything for my anxiety. I started at 10mg and then went up to 20mg. But it didn't seem to work. My doctor recommended Wellbutrin 150mg because she said the SSRI's didn't seem to be working (even though in reality I had only give one of them -celexa- a fair shot) This made me feel completely out of it. I talked to my doctor and she said that the Wellbutrin boots the effects of the celexa. So we decided to come off the Celexa, again. And go to 300mg of Wellbutrin. Then I spoke to my therapist and told her I thought the Celexa was helping my depression so she called my doctor and put me back on 10mg Celexa - Still with me? I think called my doctor and told her I just don't feel "right" on the Wellbutrin. It's a different feeling than anxiety it's like I'm restless and have energy (which I know Wellbutrin does) but I can't calm my mind at all. And my sense of reality is completely gone. Sometimes I'll just be sitting here and I don't even know the difference between feeling normal and becoming accustom to the derealization. It's the scariest thing EVER. I'm so afraid that the longer I stay like this, the more I'm going to push myself away from a reality that I will never be able to get back. I just don't know any more. I don't know what I think, I don't know how I feel. I just want normal back.
So now I am on 10mg Celexa and 150mg Wellbutrin. I am going to come off the Wellbutrin because it is making me feel so out of it and just flighty I guess you could say and either way it's not helping my anxiety so, to the curb. It did help me quit smoking though. So I guess that was good.
My therapist says her favorite SSRI for anxiety is Zoloft. Once I'm off the Wellbutrin I am going to ask her to switch me from Celexa to Zoloft.
I just hope this feeling goes away. This "I don't know what's normal and what's not" The "am I even in reality right now" I can't take it. I honestly can't do this much longer. This feeling every single day. I can't do it.