PDA

View Full Version : For the Love of God, can someone figure me out? please



worriedwell1980
01-13-2008, 10:07 AM
ok, this post will probably be a bit long, but please bear with me. I really need someone to help me figure out what the root cause is to my worries.
Anyway, I will start off at the beginning. On Feb. 4, 5 2007 I had 2 HIV test done and they were negative, I tested again on March 5 and March 26 of 2007 and they were negative as well. At that time, I was at my 3 month mark and officially clear of any risk for HIV. I was ecstatic, I celebrated, everything was fine and back to normal. I went on with life. Anyway, I did not engage in any more sex at all last year. On November 5 2007, I went back to the clinic and was tested again and the result was negative. But on that day, I was so happy, I had the clinic tech scan an image of my test device, the HIV rapid test device and e mail it to my home. She told me I was negative and done for good and I went home. After getting home, I got online and looked at the photo, it looked a bit different than it did in the office, but was still a negative, only the little line at the C control area was not centered as much at the triangle as I thought it was at the clinic, but it was still only 1 line and with the Oraquick HIV rapid tests, 1 line is negative and 2 lines is positive, mine only had 1 line at the C and that is good.... I was a bit worried, so I called the clinic back and asked them questions. They told me over and over I was negative, that the test was negative and I did nt need anymore testing. The clinic supervisor was on the phone and he screamed at me over and over, that I was negative. Anyway, me the worrier that I am, I went back to the clinic and tested again the next day. The result was negative again and the clinic tech wasn't even gonna write out a card noting a negative result and sign it, because she saw no need in doing it because I was just tested the day before. Anyway, as I asked for a signed card with the result NEG on it, she did fill it out.. I was talking to her about why I was back there testing again, telling her that I was alarmed at why the little line at the C control area wasn't centered up and telling her again why I was back testing. She told me I was NEGATIVE again and was finished, but she made some kind of a remark and it went something like this "thats why I was concerned." At the time, I didn't think much about it and was just happy to have my Negative result. But later on, after I left, the fear set in and I could not figure out what she said. Anyway, I called back at the clinic time after time that week just to hear her say YOU ARE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE..Anyway, that Friday, I went back to the clinic and tested again, with a different clinic tech, and the result was negative once again. I was told that I was finished testing and no more was needed.. Anyway, the fear is still here... I have called them repeatedly and they have told me over and over I am negative, I even went back to the clinic to talk to them and we all had a joyous occasion, they all hugged me and told me that I was done, it was over...told me to stay safe and no more testing was needed.. Anyway, All of this was back in November. I have since called the clinic tech back several times asking her about the statement I thought I heard her make, and she has stated that she was not concerned then nor was she concerned now...and that she never said anything about being concerned. I called the clinic supervisor back and he told me NO NO NO no one was ever concerned about any of the tests, that there was no way that I had anything to worry about because it had been 11 months since my last risky sex. Anyway, my mother called the clinic tech back last week and wanted to thank her and also asked her if there were any concerns and the clinic tech replied, NO, all of this tests were accurate and fine.. Mother thanked her and they said goodbye.
Anyway, to finish this post, why in the world can I not get over this. WHat is at the root cause of all of my continued worry about this? It islike I am still scared about soomething. I know I had 8 HIV tests last year and all of them are negative. It is like I am still frozen on that day and the photo iimage of the test device and what the clinic tech said when we were just talking about my worries... she made some kind of remark like "thats why I was concerned".. Anyway, I can not seem to let this go.. Everyone has told me over and over I am negative. For the love of God, can someone on this forum tell me what is at the root of all of this. I would greatly appreciate it. It is kind of like I think something went wrong and the entire situation did not go off perfect or something.. please help!! Thanks

worriedwell1980
01-13-2008, 10:35 AM
why can I not let this go? I know common sense says they have told me I am fine, but it is like I cannot let go of it. At times, I am better, other times especially when I awake, I am miserable...

worriedwell1980
01-13-2008, 11:37 AM
if someone can give me some kind of a CBT technique to go by, I can follow it. I did suffer from and OCD event way back in 1998 99... I saw a psych at that time and things got better, but I also used a CBT technique from a book called Brain Lock... that situation back then was a totally different situation.. I don't really think this is an OCD event. It is more like a worry thing about a past event that I cannot change... I just cannot find a CBT technique model to go by... If I had one, I would be able to get on with my life.. Please, if anyone knows anything, I would appreciate it.

worriedwell1980
01-13-2008, 12:21 PM
if someone can give me some kind of a CBT technique to go by, I can follow it. I did suffer from and OCD event way back in 1998 99... I saw a psych at that time and things got better, but I also used a CBT technique from a book called Brain Lock... that situation back then was a totally different situation.. I don't really think this is an OCD event. It is more like a worry thing about a past event that I cannot change... I just cannot find a CBT technique model to go by... If I had one, I would be able to get on with my life.. Please, if anyone knows anything, I would appreciate it.

The Melody of Rain
01-13-2008, 06:06 PM
Good Evening. I'll try.

When people are anxious for long periods, they become both highly physically and emotionally sensitive. In reviewing your post, it appears to me that you fall into this category.

What you need to do is to push these thoughts away to worry about at a later date. I would suggest revisiting this time next week, and what you'll find is that they wont have any affect on you at all by that stage.

worriedwell1980
01-13-2008, 06:31 PM
You are so lovely... I am crying right now... just your name... .........
anyway, I have tried so hard to get over this stuff. over and over..and I don't know what to do. My mother has been so upset with me because sh has tried and tried to help me. She has even called the clinic to verify everything with them. She was so happy after she called the clinic on Thursday. I was so happy too... for awhile.. then the fear sets back in..Deep down I know that I am fine, but it is like the whole final testing situation wasn't cut and dry.. to me it wasn't.. it was riddled with fear and then pure terror... now, I just don't know how to go on.. There are times I do fine, then other times I am all to pieces.. I really was completed with everything last March, but then I had to go back and open up all the pain and worry again.... God, there has to be an answer for me out there.. Why did it have to happen this way? Why could it have not been only a time to get the negative results and then leave.. Why in the heck did I have to get a photo scan of the test? If it wasn't for that.. everything would be fine with me right now... I know my results were negative.. God, I am happy about that... but I hate myself so much right now for my stupidity... thank you so much for your help and also your pretty little name... :) :(

doingmybest
01-13-2008, 07:18 PM
Please don't beat yourself up. It is easy for a person from the outside looking in to say "you're being irrational" but when you are in it often your judgement is so clouded. I can relate with a lot of what you are going through. I haven't done it with HIV but I have with other health issues. Please trust me when I tell you are fine. Please let this go. The fear is real but it is irrational. Stop visualizing the test and just trust what the clinic has told you. You have had enough tests to consider them accurate. I'm not sure why you can't let it go. Who knows why anyone of us fixate on one thing, but try to give yourself permission to let this go.

I hope this makes sense (I'm not always the best at expressing myself). You're not alone. Please feel better. I wish you the best.

worriedwell1980
01-13-2008, 09:45 PM
yes things get cloudy as all get out...I really think part of my problem is staying online a lot and reading too much and searching for an answer when I really have all of the answers already. I have been doing some writing and I put it away and forget about it. My mother and I have written down all of the facts that we have gotten and the way things "really are" I just need to keep them in mind whenever I get scared and read them back aloud.. kind of like reading an essay... They have all told me I am fine.. and that it is over.. I am trying to let it go, I guess it takes some time... It is kind of like having something not go exactly the way you wanted it to go... and that you have no control over it...and that it has to be fixed... but there really isn't anything to be fixed I guess. I also think that part of this is about how I looked at the photo of the test and saw that it did not look the way I thought it looked in the office that day... and I was wondering if the clinic was worried about anything...or the test lady was worried about anything... but looking back and this is something else that came out tonight while I was talking to mother.. I can remember the lady clinic tech telling me over and over that she had a college degree, trying to make me believe her abilities and know that she had an education...(this also proves to me that she had no concerns about the actual test) she was trying to make me see that she was well qualified....and had the ability to read a test.. doesn't this make sense? and also, if they had any concerns at all, they would have sent bloodwork off to another lab... Anyway, I guess I just get scared sometimes and forget all the rational things and the way things really were.. I appreciate all of your comments and if anyone else has anything to provide I would love it.. I know we will never meet in person, but you people on this board really helped me thru this today... you really did.. God bless you all, I consider you friends always! Sincerely, worriedwell1980

Frazzle
01-24-2008, 06:44 AM
Hello 1980, i know that there will be good times in your life until then i'd like to tell you a little story...

This christmas I sat down around friends and family and had a wonderful dinner. It was wonderful but it just didn't feel Chrismasy, this is because there were no alexander almond cookies. Thoes are the coockies that my aunt would make but she couldn't this year because she was off in Mexico.There were chocolate chip coockies and this big bin of costco coockies that were deliscious but it just didn't feel like chirstmas, you know? It's like i had never really missed them because i never really thought about them and never really craved them but when i couldn't have them, when all i got where other coockies instead of what i was expecting, it got me kinda down. i'm sure that you'll find the moral in that. You can type well and have a good vocabulary, good grammar (better than mine) and that tells me your smart.

Also YOU READ ! WHOO!

have you ever been to this site?
east of the web short stories site? it's very good!
it's awsome
sorry about the weird spelling, the site won't let me post URLS until i've done 10 post because of spam appearently, but it's not spam!