Need help improving my appearance.

[AlexM4783]

I hate being Black girl…it’s a curse. Black girls are deemed the least desirable and least attractive race. Mixed, White, Asian, Latina and Indian girls are usually prettier than Black girls since they have lighter colored skin, nicer facial features and better more manageable hair. I would have been happy if I was born any other race or was at least mixed so I could have had a better chance at looking decent. Black female features are considered unfeminine many people even say that they look men. I always hear people say that, “It’s hard to find a pretty Black girl…she usually has to be mixed to be pretty”. I am so jealous of those Mixed, White, Asian, Latina and Indian girls cause of their better looks and better hair. But since I have to live in this body I want to make myself look as less Black as possible. I have full lips (that are not huge), medium sized nose, brown skin, and coarse/kinky hair – overall I can only fix 2 out of the 4 problems. I plan to lighten my skin and get a weave. I want to lighten my skin simply because it is too dark…well it’s brown but I consider it dark. Dark skin is considered a masculine trait which is why both dark and light skin guys are desired. I know that White girls like to tan to get darker but their goal is to get nice light brown skin nobody wants dark brown skin. Also I want to get a weave because as you all know being Black my hair is coarse/kinky and a nightmare to look at and deal with. Full Black hair is a big turn off to people they always prefer mixed Black hair.

In this world light skin is prettier than dark skin, delicate facial features are prettier than huge/broad facial features, and straight/curly hair is prettier than coarse/kinky hair – that’s just the way it is. Of course not everybody thinks this way but a vast majority of people do. This is why majority of guys even go for light skinned girls who are White, Asian, Latina, Indian or mixed. Many Black guys also choose these girls over Black girls simply because they are generally better looking. There are only few guys that actually like Black girls and those guys are hard to find. I really wish I was one of those pretty light skinned girls so damn bad. I am horrified and hurt that I was born this way. People have always told me to “love myself as I am” which drives me crazy especially when the person who says it is some other race. Maybe it’s easy for them to love themselves but they have no idea how it feels to live being Black. I was bullied all through elementary, middle and high school because of my hair and skin. Also any guy I liked made it perfectly clear that they only wanted the light skinned girls not me. Because of this I developed depression and anxiety issues. I know I got super unlucky being born just Black but I am going to do all that I can to improve my looks. Do you know any good safe skin lightening creams? Do you know any other ideas on how I can improve my appearance?

[Ponder]

Hi Alex, I'm sorry your feeling this way. Trying to change who you are, will only play into the stigma all the more. I'm sorry you suffered for your appearance as you have said. I used to have to fight battles at school because my step dad is Asian. When is comes to discrimination, it's not the color but more the simply fact of being different. If you want to be different and make a statement or simply just experiment until you find something your comfortable with, your going to have to accept yourself and forget what others think.

Instead of hating myself, I direct the stigma back were it comes from. ->(without the same bitterness -not easy) Change the way you write about such pain from "I hate myself ....." to "I hate it when others ......" Then as you begin to expel the sickness of Stigma and identify where all this negativity is coming from, you can perhaps take the next step of changing the word "Hate" to "Pain, Discomfort" and so on.

Admittedly I generalize a lot when discussing my pain and later become remorseful for having been so judgmental. But to be fair, when feeling so hard done by for so long - writing about it in a way the gets to the core is not easy. I note you mention you don't like it when another person from another race tells you to accept yourself that it drives you crazy. I guess that's because you feel anyone else not like you could never know what it feels like ... something like that I guess? I'm white, but if it helps I have had interracial relationship before. My girlfriend at that time was a beautiful young aboriginal girl. She had broad features which lit up the sky for me. Big beautiful eyes that matched her teeth, with a smile that made my heart melt every time she looked at me. Her name was Maisy and if she had not been struck down and taken from the earth from the condition of Polio so soon, I would of most certainly reacquainted myself with her upon my return to the small town we both grew up in. She was an absolute Angle to me and I was devastated upon hearing of he untimely Death.

The only curses we suffer, are those that we feed. by Me. :)

Take Care
Dave.

[Angie 91]

Hi Alex

I am very sorry you feel like this.

I just wanted to tell you that I have a lot of problems too..
I am a scandinavian girl, blonde, blue eyed and all that.

My white skin is frail and during winter almost transparent.
my very sensitive pale bule eyes have a hard time in the middaysun.
summer, if I am outside more than 3 hours I get sunburnt..sometimes really bad.

-Angie

[sgran002]

Hi Alex.
I am also black. Sometimes I get depressed because my hair isn't as straight as other races but then I come to realize that my black is beautiful. Our skin might not be as fair but we are beautiful brown skinned people. I embrace everything about my blackness. I love my skin, curves and all. We are beautiful. Don't ever forget that.

[DodgingRain]

It also isn't just appearance that makes someone attractive/desirable. Personality and attitude have a lot to do with it too. Also take advantage of your traits, people are attracted to different things, play up you differences instead of trying to change them. Dark skin can be very very attractive because it's different. Hair you can change however you like easily so that one shouldn't be much of a problem.

[jessed03]

There's make up to lighten your appearance out there now. Maybe you could look into it if that's what you'd like to look like. Also certain make up catches the light better, making you look lighter.

^ this is the knowledge you pick up when your gf takes TWO HOURS to get ready :p

[lmr019]

Don't speak negatively of yourself! Everyone has their own beauty. You're beautiful because you're on this forum listening and trying to help others. Remember that.

[Dahila]

Oh I understand you completely. When I was a girl I hated myself, I was the thinnest girl in school. I had a mouse thin hair and no to big dark brown eyes, nothing special, I did not accept myself. I liked my skin color which is tan. I always wanted to have hair like you do. To have a wrinkleless face,in ripe age. To have a smooth skin, and to have a beautiful dark colors instead of mine so pale comparing to yours. I worked for years with a beautiful, exquisite lady, she was black, and beautiful. I could not take my eyes from her smooth and velvety face, even she was almost 65. I hope she is in a good health. Try to take a good look at you, forget about stupid standards of beauty. Focus on features you like, a lot can be changed with make up. Go on Youtube and look for the videos about makeup. You will find tons of them. I had spend many hours to relearn the make up. There is so much information. You will learn what to do to improve your looks (I bet you are beautiful, you just do not accept yourself). You ask "how do u know" I answer I was there and I was trying to change the way I look. I look often on my old pictures I brought to Canada. I can not believe how beautiful I was. I had never seen myself as a beautiful woman. Please do not waste the time on criticizing your face, or hair or body. Accept yourself the way you are, because you are beautiful :)

[Lee Grant Irons]

AlexM, I am sorry you are feeling so badly. I wish I could eliminate your pain. Alas, we all are born into conditions we wish we could change.

There are so many factors that affect attraction, and not all of these factors are associated with our looks. I think about Oprah Winfrey. In her younger days, many might not have found her to be attractive. I look at her today, and I think she is beautiful, even though she is overweight with wide facial features and dark skin, and I am about as white, tall, and skinny as guy can get. And I don't think I am attracted because she is wealthy. I think about the new mayor of New York and his wife. She grew up feeling ugly and mistreated and lesbian. And yet this white man loved her and pursued her until she said yes.

I'm sure you have already done a lot of thinking about things you can do to improve your attractiveness, as in, how to attract desirable attention from other people. But I think you need to accept some things about yourself that are not going to change... and write these things down. Then I would recommend that you write down things that you know you can control that would increase your attractiveness. Some of these things might require research, work, and a concerted effort. Lastly, put your effort into these things. The more you do, the more your confidence will build and, I propose, the better you will feel. And if you attract men who you do not feel desirable, I would recommend you treat them the way you would want to be treated. You never know when you might find a diamond in the rough.

AlexM, you have love to share, and there are people you will find who will reciprocate.

[trinidiva]

Be proud of who you are! My skin is a tan/brown and I am very proud of it. As someone said before....they have great you tube videos that can show you how to do makeup tricks that work well for your skin tone and if your hair is natural.....great you tube videos on how to grow and maintain your natural hair to beautiful lengths.Bleaching your skin isn't the answer. Spending big bucks on a weave isn't the answer either. I have many friends of mine who are from the islands and Africa who are some of the most attractive people with flawless skin in dark skin tones. Be proud of who you are!!!!!!!!!!