Hello

[Katt]

Although I am new to signing up to an anxiety forum I have been lurking them for the past year or so,
reading accounts and descriptions of anxious feelings that I relate to.
While this has helped I have realised that sometimes it is better to relay your personal experiences to others in order to understand your own condition.

I am a 19 year old female, and I need constant reassurance that anxiety is indeed what I am feeling,
as I am otherwise convinced that I am suffering a long term illness that has been overlooked and that I am consequentially going to die of.
I have just returned from a talk on The Beatles and popular culture, as discussed by various peers from different media outlets in the music industry,
and I want to cry.
What should have been (and was to an extent) a great and intellectually stimulating evening was just a repeat of the trials I face whenever I have to sit in a lecture hall and listen.
More audible to me than the discussion was the constant feeling of what? Paranoia? Fear? Panic? Anxiety?
As I write this from the comfort of my bed, I suppose it started with the wait.

We (me and my dad) stand outside in the cold awaiting for the doors to metaphorically open.
-I have not been feeling up until this point what I would describe as anxious, but I was sick after eating earlier and I remember it occurring to me as I walked from my house earlier that perhaps I should have popped some Kalms just in case.-
The feeling of being debilitated and unbalanced began when we were on the steps in a queue of people.
I held onto the rail because what my brain rationally knew was standing upright was also telling me that it was tilted.
As we moved- too slow for my liking- it eased.
And then we were inside.
I have no idea what it is about being inside that I find so much harder to deal with.
It must have something to do with space because it is about 100 times worse when it's dark outside or there are no windows.
As it is, this building has few windows and it got dark about an hour previously.
We are ushered in through the building and I mentally tell myself that this is supposed to be a fun and positive experience and that I have nothing to fear.
The cafe is okay, although I'm sure at least some of you understand the mental anguish that comes with hordes of people talking and chatting all at once. It feels quite literally like it is too much for my brain to process at once.
Kind of like when you see lie detector tests in films and animation going crazy and exploding (incidentally what I'm always convinced my brain will do) when someone is lying too much for it to keep up with.
I get a pint of beer because I want to believe that it will calm my nerves; and it's a free bar.
We sit in a darkened room with a stage (we are after all the audience) and I chatter endlessly to my dad to distract myself from panicking.
The guests and presenter come on stage to talk about... stuff; the audience goes quiet.
Is that... SILENCE? My brain explodes (metaphorically of course)
What if you say something? I want to move. Is it okay to move? I'm fidgeting far too much, people are going to think you have ADHD or you're crazy or something. I want to stand up and walk out. I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. My legs ache
I sit there and tear at the skin around my fingers with my teeth and tap the fingers of my other hand in order to stop me from jiggling my leg and drawing the attention of everyone in the room.
I know what time it is because I literally started working out how much longer there was left of the discussion when the first speaker started.
The litany of consciousness continues- My head hurts. Why did I feel a pain in that place in my brain, am I going to have an aneurysm? My head feels fizzy. Why is my head so heavy? I need neck support. I want to lie down
A guest who has moved from the stage during film footage walks back up, I lose hearing in that ear as he passes as if he has literally cupped my ear.
Is that normal?!
I try and concentrate on the guest I admire the most as he talks to make myself feel better.
The first time it works, the second time it doesn't.
-My only relief is bemusement at his mannerisms. The way he nods his head with enthusiasm whenever his name is mentioned belies that he probably wasn't listening to the person speaking- luckily this guy is so smart that he can bullshit his way through anything with attention to just a few keywords. He swills the beer around in his cup and stares at it with a frown whenever someone else is talking; perhaps he's thinking about dinner, maybe he's drunk, or bored. Perhaps he's anxious and he, like me, just can't stop moving when he has to listen to other people.-
When the talk ends I am literally ecstatic. I am clapping because I am glad it is over.
Although I don't know if I am going to be able to walk across the room without falling over


This is an example of the kind of situation I face all the time.
I hope some of you can relate to this because I am in bed and was half convinced that instead of anxiety, I was suffering from cancer.
I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me if these are things you recognise, and if you can list the exact things you relate to.

I know the symptoms I experience are synonymous with anxiety, but even with two different doctors opinions, I just can't believe it.

Thanks for reading.

[FedUp]

Hi Katt and welcome! I can relate to exactly what you described. First u should congratulate yourself for going at all. Then you need to say to yourself that even though u were uncomfortable, you made it through and nothing happened to you. I go through this daily. Standing in line at the grocery store, waiting to pick my child up from school, and even sitting at red lights. I hate movie theaters. I use to always enjoy those things. I am still finding my own way on how to deal, but have read some great advice and techniques on here. Although I do suffer everyday, I manage to make it through and I make sure I congratulate myself and laugh at myself for being so anxious over standing in line at the store! You are not alone and don't have an illness. You have anxiety. One thing I learned was to keep telling myself that they are just symptoms and can't hurt me. Hope you are doing well!!

[Katt]

Thanks so much for replying Fed Up, it makes me so comforted that other people go through the same things that I do.
One thing I'd like to ask, is have you found any point in identifying what it is that causes you to panic?
I know this all sounds like a generalised anxiety disorder but I can't help but wonder 'what if it's this?' because at least then I'd know that it's a certain thing rather than just a complete personality change ):

Thanks again

[Anxiouskat]

Hi Katt!

I'm Kat too :) had to mention it haha!
Like you said it seems as though all of your symptoms are related to anxiety and I really do empathize with how difficult it can be to realize an believe it. I fight similar symptoms daily, and find myself constantly dreading leaving the house cause of "what if's". I have woken up at 5am with the room spinning so badly you'd think I was loaded drunk but haven't drank in months. I've just needed to lay down countless times, even resulting in me pulling into a parking lot while driving and stretching my seat back with my knees up. I've been in lectures where I specifically sat at the back and close to the door, and told my professor I wasn't feeling well so that when I couldn't sit still any more without my head exploding I could get up and leave without interrupting.
I am new to this forum as well, only discovered it about a week ago but it helps to know you are not the only one, and if you ever need to talk there is always someone here. I would rather talk than take my rescue meds, so I've added this site to my arsenal of anxiety fighters.
Enough about me, I hope you enjoy and benefit from this site as much as I have already, and feel free to message me if you are having a 'moment' or just want to chat.

[Anxiouskat]

In response to your question to FedUp, identifying your triggers is a very beneficial thing to do. Once you know what they are you can take them on one at a time and prove to yourself you will come out alive. :)

[FedUp]

Hi Katt! My anxiety is the fear that I am going to have an attack. I am afraid I will have one and pass out especially while driving. So, I guess that my fear is from being afraid of the symptoms. Of course when I do this, I bring on more symptoms! What a cycle. I am trying to break that by trying to ignore my racing rate and sweaty palms. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I have read that by just watching the symptoms and not reacting to them stops the anxiety and helps prevent panic attacks. I really believe this. It is just so hard sometimes to focus when experiencing anxiety.

[miniola]

Hi, all
My name is ola. I'm a newmember.
Nice to meet, all
Thank

[jessed03]

Wow Katt, you summed up the whole experience beautifully actually. Very well expressed.

If you don't believe it's anxiety, what do you believe it is? Does it change around?

[worriedmummy85]

Hi Katt


I am also a little of a newbie although some people may know me as the person who posts a lot scared out of her witts

I only had my first panic attack 8 weeks ish ago I like you have health anxiety and I feel a little bit pain and my mind blows it out of proportion I am also scared of taking an attack in a place that's not my safe place (my home) but I am pushing myself a little to still do things

I have a 3 year old and don't want to miss out on things with her so have chose to go on medication but not antidepressants

I think your very brave for sitting through that feeling the way you were

[Katt]

Hey AnxiousKat, I get the whole needing to lie down thing, most of the time I just want my bed, although I'm here now and I feel all sorts of odd at the minute. ):
I've been trying breathing exercises and they've helped somewhat but the overall feeling of 'I don't feel normal is so consuming that it once it comes it just wont go away.
I talked to my course leader so he's aware of the situation but it's just impossible for someone to understand if they haven't experienced it themselves; however nice they are.
Two of the 'triggers' you mentioned seems to be silence and waiting, and my counsellor seems to think it's to do with suddenly being very 'self aware', like I suddenly can feel my body and how it works rather than your brain just ignoring it. She suggested listening to music in one headphone, so I'm going to give that a go.
Thank you for the offer by the way, it's touching how receptive people can be towards each other without even having met. x

Fed Up: I've been told to try and ignore it too but I get SO many physical symptoms that it's just unbelievable that there isn't something medically wrong, do you have any technique tips for how you do this?

Jessed03: That's such a lovely thing to say, I want to study creative writing as an MA so it's always nice to hear encouragement. In fact I'm going to start writing stuff like that more because my counsellor recommended keeping a diary of everything, but I think I'd find it easier to rationalise if I write it in my own voice, if that makes sense? (if anything at least having anxiety is giving me depth and understanding into how characters I write about might feel when they are going through similar things, anxiety benefits finally!)
And yes, it does change around. For example, during my first panic attack I very nearly had my mum take me to A&E for toxic shock syndrome- simply because I was on my period and I use tampons. It's funny how your mind can take a far fetched idea and run with it isn't it?

Hi WorriedMummy85, it's nice (or not haha) to hear that health anxiety is something other people share. It's just the fragility of the human body that gets you isn't it? The human body (or indeed any living thing) is so complex that when you stop to think about how every tiny part of you runs together you start to notice it all, and there's just so much going on all at once, you start to imagine that something is malfunctioning.
I feel horrible for reading your 'I think you're very brave for sitting through that feeling the way you were' comment, because just the other day I left my lecture because it got too much. I was utterly distraught and on the edge of tears for the rest of the day because I really truly wanted to listen to what the guest lecturer had to say, and all I could think was 'if I feel like this every time I'm in that lecture now it will be my fault', because I would have let my brain associate that lecture with running away.

In the past week or so I have had what can only be described as 'waves', there have been several consecutive days where I have felt so calm, and at peace with myself- and indeed, when I went back to that lecture I felt fine; on top of the world even. But it never seems to last does it? Today on the train coming home I felt so sure that I wouldn't be able to stand up (I had been experiencing muscle ache, which is of course symptomatic of anxiety) that I asked my flatmates to come and meet me at the station. They were kind and very understanding, but sometimes that makes it harder; as I'm sure you can all relate to the guilt of having something so intangible as a problem.
I think the reason I felt it today though was because when I visit my parents I feel fragmented between two places, and when I go from one to the other I feel like I have no real memories of either, which I believe is a trait of 'depersonalisation' (in fact I wrote a poem about it as I was travelling). It's all relatable to the crux that is anxiety, but for now I'm just waiting for the 'top of the world' feeling to come back.
Thank you all for responding, and I apologise for the delay in mine.

[alankay]

Sounds like anxiety to me indeed. Alankay

[mykids12]

Hey AnxiousKat, I get the whole needing to lie down thing, most of the time I just want my bed, although I'm here now and I feel all sorts of odd at the minute. ): I've been trying breathing exercises and they've helped somewhat but the overall feeling of 'I don't feel normal is so consuming that it once it comes it just wont go away. I talked to my course leader so he's aware of the situation but it's just impossible for someone to understand if they haven't experienced it themselves; however nice they are. Two of the 'triggers' you mentioned seems to be silence and waiting, and my counsellor seems to think it's to do with suddenly being very 'self aware', like I suddenly can feel my body and how it works rather than your brain just ignoring it. She suggested listening to music in one headphone, so I'm going to give that a go. Thank you for the offer by the way, it's touching how receptive people can be towards each other without even having met. x Fed Up: I've been told to try and ignore it too but I get SO many physical symptoms that it's just unbelievable that there isn't something medically wrong, do you have any technique tips for how you do this? Jessed03: That's such a lovely thing to say, I want to study creative writing as an MA so it's always nice to hear encouragement. In fact I'm going to start writing stuff like that more because my counsellor recommended keeping a diary of everything, but I think I'd find it easier to rationalise if I write it in my own voice, if that makes sense? (if anything at least having anxiety is giving me depth and understanding into how characters I write about might feel when they are going through similar things, anxiety benefits finally!) And yes, it does change around. For example, during my first panic attack I very nearly had my mum take me to A&E for toxic shock syndrome- simply because I was on my period and I use tampons. It's funny how your mind can take a far fetched idea and run with it isn't it? Hi WorriedMummy85, it's nice (or not haha) to hear that health anxiety is something other people share. It's just the fragility of the human body that gets you isn't it? The human body (or indeed any living thing) is so complex that when you stop to think about how every tiny part of you runs together you start to notice it all, and there's just so much going on all at once, you start to imagine that something is malfunctioning. I feel horrible for reading your 'I think you're very brave for sitting through that feeling the way you were' comment, because just the other day I left my lecture because it got too much. I was utterly distraught and on the edge of tears for the rest of the day because I really truly wanted to listen to what the guest lecturer had to say, and all I could think was 'if I feel like this every time I'm in that lecture now it will be my fault', because I would have let my brain associate that lecture with running away. In the past week or so I have had what can only be described as 'waves', there have been several consecutive days where I have felt so calm, and at peace with myself- and indeed, when I went back to that lecture I felt fine; on top of the world even. But it never seems to last does it? Today on the train coming home I felt so sure that I wouldn't be able to stand up (I had been experiencing muscle ache, which is of course symptomatic of anxiety) that I asked my flatmates to come and meet me at the station. They were kind and very understanding, but sometimes that makes it harder; as I'm sure you can all relate to the guilt of having something so intangible as a problem. I think the reason I felt it today though was because when I visit my parents I feel fragmented between two places, and when I go from one to the other I feel like I have no real memories of either, which I believe is a trait of 'depersonalisation' (in fact I wrote a poem about it as I was travelling). It's all relatable to the crux that is anxiety, but for now I'm just waiting for the 'top of the world' feeling to come back. Thank you all for responding, and I apologise for the delay in mine.

What physical symptoms do you have?

[rhar]

Although I am new to signing up to an anxiety forum I have been lurking them for the past year or so, reading accounts and descriptions of anxious feelings that I relate to. While this has helped I have realised that sometimes it is better to relay your personal experiences to others in order to understand your own condition. I am a 19 year old female, and I need constant reassurance that anxiety is indeed what I am feeling, as I am otherwise convinced that I am suffering a long term illness that has been overlooked and that I am consequentially going to die of. I have just returned from a talk on The Beatles and popular culture, as discussed by various peers from different media outlets in the music industry, and I want to cry. What should have been (and was to an extent) a great and intellectually stimulating evening was just a repeat of the trials I face whenever I have to sit in a lecture hall and listen. More audible to me than the discussion was the constant feeling of what? Paranoia? Fear? Panic? Anxiety? As I write this from the comfort of my bed, I suppose it started with the wait. We (me and my dad) stand outside in the cold awaiting for the doors to metaphorically open. -I have not been feeling up until this point what I would describe as anxious, but I was sick after eating earlier and I remember it occurring to me as I walked from my house earlier that perhaps I should have popped some Kalms just in case.- The feeling of being debilitated and unbalanced began when we were on the steps in a queue of people. I held onto the rail because what my brain rationally knew was standing upright was also telling me that it was tilted. As we moved- too slow for my liking- it eased. And then we were inside. I have no idea what it is about being inside that I find so much harder to deal with. It must have something to do with space because it is about 100 times worse when it's dark outside or there are no windows. As it is, this building has few windows and it got dark about an hour previously. We are ushered in through the building and I mentally tell myself that this is supposed to be a fun and positive experience and that I have nothing to fear. The cafe is okay, although I'm sure at least some of you understand the mental anguish that comes with hordes of people talking and chatting all at once. It feels quite literally like it is too much for my brain to process at once. Kind of like when you see lie detector tests in films and animation going crazy and exploding (incidentally what I'm always convinced my brain will do) when someone is lying too much for it to keep up with. I get a pint of beer because I want to believe that it will calm my nerves; and it's a free bar. We sit in a darkened room with a stage (we are after all the audience) and I chatter endlessly to my dad to distract myself from panicking. The guests and presenter come on stage to talk about... stuff; the audience goes quiet. Is that... SILENCE? My brain explodes (metaphorically of course) What if you say something? I want to move. Is it okay to move? I'm fidgeting far too much, people are going to think you have ADHD or you're crazy or something. I want to stand up and walk out. I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. My legs ache I sit there and tear at the skin around my fingers with my teeth and tap the fingers of my other hand in order to stop me from jiggling my leg and drawing the attention of everyone in the room. I know what time it is because I literally started working out how much longer there was left of the discussion when the first speaker started. The litany of consciousness continues- My head hurts. Why did I feel a pain in that place in my brain, am I going to have an aneurysm? My head feels fizzy. Why is my head so heavy? I need neck support. I want to lie down A guest who has moved from the stage during film footage walks back up, I lose hearing in that ear as he passes as if he has literally cupped my ear. Is that normal?! I try and concentrate on the guest I admire the most as he talks to make myself feel better. The first time it works, the second time it doesn't. -My only relief is bemusement at his mannerisms. The way he nods his head with enthusiasm whenever his name is mentioned belies that he probably wasn't listening to the person speaking- luckily this guy is so smart that he can bullshit his way through anything with attention to just a few keywords. He swills the beer around in his cup and stares at it with a frown whenever someone else is talking; perhaps he's thinking about dinner, maybe he's drunk, or bored. Perhaps he's anxious and he, like me, just can't stop moving when he has to listen to other people.- When the talk ends I am literally ecstatic. I am clapping because I am glad it is over. Although I don't know if I am going to be able to walk across the room without falling over This is an example of the kind of situation I face all the time. I hope some of you can relate to this because I am in bed and was half convinced that instead of anxiety, I was suffering from cancer. I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me if these are things you recognise, and if you can list the exact things you relate to. I know the symptoms I experience are synonymous with anxiety, but even with two different doctors opinions, I just can't believe it. Thanks for reading.


Omg this is ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every day almost all day!!
The part about wondering if you can walk out without falling over.. My god sooooo the sane as me.. My head symptoms drive me CRAZY!!!

[raaangah1]

Reading this felt like I'd read it- I go to a drama school and every time I have to sit in a class and watch people doing something without doing anything myself I just can't enjoy it because it's like my brain is left alone with obsessing about how I'm feeling/thinking something terrible is going to happen to me. It feels like it stops me from enjoying everything that I used to love and it's doing my head in! Although I'm gutted for you that you're going through this, its reassuring to know you're not alone :)

[HockeyRules]

I run a forklift in a warehouse around tons of selectors picking their orders. I used to get panicked when too many we're coming down the same aisle I was working in. I used to get mad at them ....silently and under my breath..... How dare they rush me or get in my way. They were just doing their job so I was in the wrong ....but my first anxiety attack happened at work and it is always on my mind. That was about 8 months ago now...but it is still sorta like a trigger for me. When it happened..I got dizzy, and thought I was gonna pass out. It never happened...but the fear was real. I had head fullness, closed ears, head aches and thought I was dying of some strange disease that my doc missed. I had cat scan and blood work, physical.....all came out normal. What I am trying to get at is that once you realize what it really is....GAD for me anyway......you can slowly conquer it. I still have my moments ....but they are few and far between, I am on the road to recovery.....no Meds .....just a new mind set on winning. Grab it by the throat and slay it. It will lose its power when you don't give your brain any wiggle room. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a good psychologist was a blessing for me. I did try Meds for a couple months........but I slowly gained confidence that I wanted to win this one....for me , my wife and family and my future. Hang in there.....anxiety is a bitch.....but it is conquerable. The end goal is to have a winning record when you tabulate the ups and downs of it.....then your there.

Peace

David