Hello, looking for some advice.

[Dream]

Hey everyone, I've been browsing around this forum for a little while reading others posts. I'm not sure if I actually have anxiety or depression or what, but this seems like a good place to talk about it. I've had bouts of depression and things like that before, usually it seems I'll be completely fine for months then I'll get into another phase and I'm anxious and depressed constantly. I feel like I'm constantly scared and that nothing can shake that feeling, even when I do feel momentary relief I know that it's just temporary so it doesn't help me. I can't really explain the exact feeling as I'm sure most of you can relate but I feel isolated, afraid, and detached from everything. I feel like I'm more sensitive to things in this state, and everything seems a whole lot more bleak and without meaning. For the past few days now I've been able to feel my heartbeat, and I have a continuous sense of dread.

What I think is causing it is my living situation right now. I was living with my mother who although we have a great relationship and get along is an alcoholic, as well as her new husband. Things are fine until they drink and get violent towards each other and abusive towards others, then the next day pretend nothing ever happened. It got to the point where we would have gigantic fights or would I go weeks without even saying a word to her. After months of trying to move out I finally moved into my dad's house, along with his girlfriend. To make it brief they have an extremely volatile relationship, she lived with us in another state before we moved here and together they basically drove our life into the ground and forced us to move. Both of them are addicted to pills and as soon as he gets home from work she is screaming at him about how they are going to get money for the day. The fights get ridiculous with her banging on doors, calling everybody every name they could be called, hitting herself, etc. It's impossible to sum it all up here but she's a pretty immature person with some serious problems.

I was glad to have moved out of my mom's house and things were fine, when they fought I ignored it like usual and I honestly don't think it bothered me. A few nights ago things got pretty bad, my father was passed out standing up in the bathroom sweating and she was screaming and rampaging around ( This happens just about every night, with him passing out standing up or sitting then actually going to sleep for hours and her screaming ). He was saying we were leaving in the morning and things just got really bad. For some reason this set off the state that I'm currently in. Every since I've felt a deep anxiety and fear, and I'm constantly worried about when the next fight will break out. Even hearing a cough or something minor can make my heart start beating faster in anticipation. I desperately wish I could go back to how I was just a few days ago, without this fear and able to actually enjoy things. I feel trapped in a way because my only choices are this place or my mom's house. I've almost tried moving in with my grandfather, and even called him one night when things got really bad at my moms. He apologized and said he felt like he let me down or something, but I just can't bring myself to actually ask to move in because I don't want to bother him that way.

I wonder why exactly I feel this way, but any rational thoughts I have about it just fizzle out and eventually deteriorate into the same fearful state. I run every morning and exercise which provides some comfort and makes me feel a lot better, but this feeling still comes back. I'm sorry that this was a long read and I'm sure I'm leaving some stuff out, but I just feel like I needed someone to read it and maybe communicate with. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[NeverToo...Fear]

Sorry you are going through this right now, Dream...It sounds like a tough situation you are in with your parents. Your environment sounds toxic and clearly not helping. Mostly we can deal with amounts of stress that fights and tension create, but then there's that snapping point. Rubber band is past it's stretching limit, so to say. It breaks and it's not the same anymore.

So maybe the best thing for you is remove yourself from it. I know you said you had a choice between one parents house or another, but why not investigate the option with your grandfather a bit more? Maybe he would be willing to let you live with him for a short time? Don't know unless you try, right?

Your health is important, so it's best to try and remove as many negative things you can't control as possible. Until both of your parents set themselves straight, it's best to stay away, so you can start feeling better.

[kdoddie]

Hi there,
I agree with the above post. Maybe talk to your grandfather about possibly living with him short term. Staying in either environment be it your mothers or fathers is going to make your mental health suffer. Being around that sort of environment would be bad for anyone's health. I'm in Australia not sure about yourself but there is share houses and such that would offer a out for yourself if you feel like you cannot approach your grandfather. I find that when I'm in hostile people or in stressful situations my depression and anxiety go through the roof. You deserve to be in a safe place where you can feel like you are at home. Please for the sake of your health and well being look into finding another residence

[Dream]

I would like to stay with my grandfather but I'm not sure that it's possible. I don't think he really wants anyone staying with him, so I think even if I did ask it would do nothing but make things awkward between us. I really do feel like I need to find a better environment, but I just can't think of any solutions. It feels like the more fights happen the more stressful and anxious I get, and even when my dad is at work I'll be woken up by ridiculous screaming from his girlfriend either calling him or her mom. When my dad does he get home she endlessly yells at him about getting money for pills, and he's so tired or out of it on pills that he's a zombie. I almost joined the military a year ago and I'm thinking about attempting to join again, but I'm also in school and would like to continue that for a while. I live in in the U.S. kdoddie, I assume that share houses is just another term for having a room mate? Thanks for the advice so far guys, just getting responses from people helps.

[kdoddie]

Is there anyone else you could stay with? Or are you able to get a place on your own? I have a support worker and he is organising for me to go into respite care. It's a month long program. I'm not sure what is available where you are. But perhaps look into it with your gp. Or perhaps someone else will reply with more useful information. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you

[Dream]

There isn't really anyone else I could stay with. I'm trying to get a part-time job right now which will hopefully help get my mind off of being here, but I don't have the money to get a place of my own yet. I've had a talk with my dad recently about how things are and his pill problem, the talk went well but I hope things actually change in the future. I feel afraid to get my hopes up or to convince myself that I'm better and nothing is wrong, because if I do that I know it will be twice as bad when something actually happens again. I appreciate your kind words, as I said it's helpful just talking about the situation.

[embrace123]

I feel just how you feel!!! Omg

[kdoddie]

I'm sorry about the ways things are for you atm. I really do hope things get better soon. It's hard living with a illness like ours but it's even harder when you are around people that are of no help support. You truly deserve better

[Dream]

Thanks, I'm hoping things get better as well. Yesterday I was woken up to my dads girlfriend saying something about me, apparently she heard "scary noises" from my room at 3 in the morning and it terrified her and all this other stuff. Pretty much just making things up in to give her more attention. Just seems like anytime I start to feel a little okay something happens to completely reverse my viewpoint.

[kdoddie]

Gee she sounds like a real catch NOT. Maybe she is jealous if you and or the relationship you have with your dad. Try to not let her shit get you down as people like her usually bring themselves unstuck with their stupid antics. Spend as much time as you can out of the house and around people that care and are worth your time.

[Dream]

Thanks, I agree that I should try and get out of the house to get a break from things here. I got a call today about a job interview and set it up for Monday, so hopefully that works out.

[kdoddie]

That's great!!! Good luck at your interview. I really hope you get it. I'll send positive vibes.

[Dream]

Had my job interview today, I think things went okay. Apparently afterwards my dad's girlfriend was going to pick me up and I walked instead, so she waited an hour....I didn't hear her say anything though. Apologized and everything but it turned into a big thing, tonight in particular is pretty bad with her acting crazy and them fighting. Hopefully I get this job so I can get out of this house for at least a little bit. She's going on about us getting kicked out, cussing out everybody ( including the dog ) and just trying to cause as many problems as she can. Unsure how I really feel now, for the last couple days things seemed a bit better now they are starting to feel down again. Thanks for your response, it's nice having someone just to talk to about this.

[kdoddie]

Maybe grab the dog and go for a walk. Ignore her rants and raves as best as you can. Hopefully you will get this job and won't have to deal with her issues anymore. Head phones in your ears and let her tire herself out with her crap. It's a shame you are in the position your in cos from the short time I've spent talking with you I can tell you deserve much better. I will have my fingers crossed for you and send all the positive vibes I can muster.

[Dream]

The realtor is coming tomorrow to check the house and apparently have people looking at it through the weekend. I don't know if we will get kicked out or what, my dad is supposed to be trying these things Friday to get him off the pills, and if we get kicked out hopefully find a new place without her, who knows though. I'm going to be staying with my mom until Sunday. My grandfather is supposed to be picking me up tomorrow, so maybe I can talk with him a bit about things. Not really getting my hopes up, but I guess it will be nice to get away from this for a couple of days at least. Things are pretty crazy tonight, my dad refuses to sleep and his girlfriend is screaming and things are just generally getting crazy. I've been thinking more and more of a way out of this situation, so I'm seriously debating about going into the military for a few years. At least I know that when I get out I would be able to have a place of my own and not deal with any of this. The only thing holding me back is school, and there are other things I wanted to do as well. Hope you don't mind me updating like this haha, just helps saying some of the stuff in my head and having someone respond.

[kdoddie]

Of course I don't mind. Sounds like a few days away would be good. The military is a good idea if that is what you want, give it carful thought before making up your mind. You are a strong person, dealing with all this shit going on. I don't know how you do it. Whatever decisions you make, make sure they are what you need and want. Don't rush them, give them good thought

[Dream]

Well it's been a pretty eventful week since I posted last. I went to my moms and ended up seeing a family friend for a few hours one day, I told him how bad things were and asked if I could maybe stay with him for a while. He was really nice about and said I could and to just give him a call. I told my dad that I planned on leaving and he seemed like he didn't want me to. I got that job and had orientation the next day, which I didn't plan on going to at first. He told me things were going to change and for that night things were actually pretty good, they didn't really fight and they were trying to keep it down so it didn't affect me. He told his girlfriend that I planned on leaving and she knew that he would hold a grudge against her for it, so apparently she "felt bad" and wanted to stay. Mostly because she didn't want him being mad at her if I left. So I ended up going to this orientation since I was urged to just try it and I could just not go if I left.

They ended up assigning me to work the very next day, so I did. I kind of like the job, my coworkers were pretty friendly and it's not too difficult. I started having second thoughts about leaving, but I knew I would probably regret it later if Is stayed. A few days passed and I worked Tuesday and Wednesday, they still fought a bit and I was leaning towards leaving. Last night was pretty much the thing that has removed just about all doubt from my mind. My dad was extremely tired from only sleeping about 1 hour and working a 12 hour shift, and so high on pills that he couldn't keep his eyes open or follow a train of thought for more than 3 seconds. The fighting got so bad and he punched his girlfriend in the face, who said her brain was hemorrhaging and was running around the house screaming. I got fed up with it and grabbed a pillow and blanket and went out to the shed to sleep, was quite cold since it's about 20 degrees here haha. Ended up sleeping for about 4 hours and then came back. They've been fighting about pills all morning and in general this is a pretty terrible day. I'm sort of glad it happened though because now I'm quite sure I want to leave. Hopefully I can be out of here this weekend or early next week.

[NeverToo...Fear]

I'm glad a family friend is coming through for you, Dream! :)
Now, that you have that option, you can just get out a while until your parents clean up their act a bit.. It sounds like your Dad is trying and that he really wants you to stay, but he's got to get himself help. Hitting his girlfriend is a huge warning sign. Doesn't matter if she's not the nicest of people. They seriously sound like they need help and you do not need to be stuck in the middle!

Thanks for updating us! :)

[Lee Grant Irons]

You have done a very thorough and good job of thinking through this problem and working on things you can do to resolve it. Remember, the current problem is finding a safe and stable living situation. Your Mom's and Dad's problems certainly are problems and they certainly have intermingled with your own problems, but your parents problems are not the ones you need to be working on right now. You need to get yourself in a more stable living position, untangled from your parents problems, before you can try to help anyone else. Definitely follow through with your plan to move out. Do not change your mind on this. It will probably end up enabling you to have a better relationship with your Dad, eventually.

[Dream]

I agree I need to get out of here, anytime I start having second thoughts and things seem okay that changes quickly. I'm gonna try to figure things out this weekend and hopefully be out of here, I'll post again when I'm moved out. Thanks for the replies guys, and I agree with your advice. I feel bad for my dad as well in this situation and can't help but sympathize with him even though I know he's played a huge role in a lot of these problems. I just need to leave and focus on improving my own life like you said.

[Dream]

Well I'm set to leave tomorrow afternoon, and lately my anxiety about leaving has been getting pretty bad. Today I've been nearly panicking. I guess what I'm afraid of is moving there and it not working out, feeling completely alone, at least here I have at least one person who I can connect with a little bit. I'm afraid I will leave and completely regret my decision, and I'll look back on the place I'm in now and wish I didn't leave. Or even worse I may end up with no other alternatives, and descend into an even worse place. Everything just races through my mind and I imagine nothing working or it being completely unbearable. I've become less and less bothered by the problems here and right now I feel like I'm clinging to this place, like it feels safe and where I'm going is foreign and lonely.

Just thinking about it conjures up numerous thoughts and images in my mind, along with the emotions that follow. My mother is supposed to pick me up tomorrow, and apparently when she texted the guy I'm moving in with ( a family friend, though the two of them have a somewhat rocky relationship ) and said his responses seemed a bit "weird" and he gave short or strange responses. She said it was probably directed more towards her than me and to forget about it, but for some reason that made things even worse and it's set off all kinds of anxious thoughts and a feeling of fear. I know that rationally I should probably leave, as my situation is more or less the same here ( even though it hasn't really bothered me lately ). I wonder if that is my mind trying to convince me to stay and resist the coming change, but I can't help being washed over with all of these feelings.

Any advice anyone has is appreciated, just feeling confused and anxious right now.

[Lee Grant Irons]

When my kids need some reassurance, I always ask them to consider the the worst case REAL scenario. I think for you, that would be that things don;t work out with this guy and you move back in with your Dad, thus being no worse off than you were before. Then I tell my kids that the worst thing usually does not happen. Just do your best to be a good house mate. Always clean up after yourself. Show common courtesy. Are you helping with rent? Are you buying your own food? If not, then work on getting yourself budgeted with your job income so that you can.

So is the job going well? Is school going well?

[Dream]

The job is going pretty good, I mean I don't love it or anything but it's not unbearable and I don't mind it. I'm still taking online courses right now and the new semester starts next month, so I'd really like to take classes actually at the school (which I need to do soon, since I can't take labs online). I won't be able to keep this job unfortunately when I move, the distance is too far and I'll be biking to school since I don't have a car. I told him I would try to help with money however I can, but he just sort of shrugged it off, so I'm not paying set rent or anything. As for the food situation I'm not really sure, I don't eat much as it is, usually one decent meal a day and I'm good, so I'm not too worried about it.

I have thought out the worst-case scenario, which would be the situation ending up bad and me being unable to move back in with my dad (moving back in with my mom would be the worst). Apparently my aunt also asked my mom why I didn't just ask to stay with her when she learned my situation, so that should be even more reassuring given that it's potentially another option. Even with all the facts though I still feel this anxiety, I can be fine and then a simple thought can turn my entire outlook negative once again. It doesn't help that my dad doesn't want me to go yet, he keeps telling me to just stay another week and things like that. I can't help but feel a bit sad and guilty leaving him here, even though the problems stem from him and his girlfriend.

Thank you for the feedback, just getting some additional perspective helps when trying to sort out these thoughts.

[Lee Grant Irons]

Hi Dream,

It seems to me that your most immediate problem (now that you have moved out of your Dad's place) is financing. I have lots of experience will figuring out how to pay the way through college. I have been through it and now have four kids currently all in college at the same time. What school are you attending? Is it a state school (non-profit), a private non-profit school, or a private for-profit school?

[Dream]

I haven't moved out yet, I'm moving out today. The school is in Ohio and it's a community college, tuition isn't costing me anything right now because financial aid is covering it. The main thing worrying me right now is just actually moving, the anxiety about that situation and leaving here.

[Lee Grant Irons]

Okay. There is nothing here that can't be solved with as little stress and anxiety as possible. So try not to let this stress you out. It is the unknown that acerbates anxiety. So you need to eliminate the unknown as much as possible. That is why it is prudent for you to try to ensure that the environment you are moving into is as stable and stress-free as it can be. As of right now, it does not seem that you know whether the guy is providing you with free room AND board (food). That will quickly become an issue if the guy is not intending on helping you with food. So, there are seven options that I can think of, in order of best to worst.

1. See if financial aid is available through the community college to help you with living expenses. Go to the financial aid office and tell them that you are completely financially independent from your parents, that your parents do not provide you with a place to live or any living expenses. You will likely have to sign an affidavit and you might need to get the guy you are living with to attest to the fact that he is providing you with a room since your parents do not. This will put you into a special IRS classification that will give you access to more federal resources. You will probably be able to get a federal work study job on the community college that will give you enough for food. You also might earn enough to pay the guy a small amount of rent. My wife and I helped a friend of one of our daughters make this transition to independence and getting more federal help. This seems like the best option. All of the money you earn will be tax free, plus you will get federal college tax credits, some of which I think might give you additional money.
2. Get a new job that is close enough to where you will be living.
3. Figure out a way to get transportation to your old job so you can keep it.
4. Ask your Dad for a weekly food allowance.
5. Ask your Mom for a weekly food allowance.
6. Go over to your Dad's house every day to eat.
7. Ask the guy if he is providing you food with the room, at least until you can get a job.

[Dream]

Sorry for the late reply, thank you for your advice. I've thought about looking into the work-study thing and would definitely try and get a part time job in some aspect, but I think whats worrying me now is honestly more on the irrational side. I know that everything will probably be okay at the place I move, but I worry about feeling isolated and overwhelmed with anxiety fueled "crazy" thoughts. For some reason I associate moving with this and come up with all kinds of feelings about the situation that are probably unwarranted, it's gotten to the point where I'm pretty much completely indecisive when it comes to making these choices. I also have a potential option with my aunt and uncle if this doesn't work out, and then I wonder if I should just try that first. Even though I know that if the family friend's house doesn't work I can most likely move in the summer. It's hard for me to put into words and there is no real specific issue that I am worried about when it comes to making the choice and moving, yet I still have this irrational and intense fear and anxiety about these choices and situations, to the point where I want to just not make the choice ( even though that's not really possible ).

[Lee Grant Irons]

Hi Dream,

Try this. Write down everything that you can think of that is making you anxious about this move. Everything that you think could go wrong. Then, as the move progresses, put a line through each thing that does not happen. You might find this to be very relieving. Once the move is done and you have been there a couple of weeks, look at the list as a hind sight way of seeing everything that did not happen. If any of the items on your list do happen, then at least you will have learned the difference between reality and non-reality. It is easier to deal with reality. Non-reality can never be handled because it is not real. But because we cannot put our fingers on it, it can cause us the worst anxiety.

[Dream]

I completely agree that non-reality is ten times worse to deal than actual reality. I know that I will have to choose and I hope that over time I'll get back to feeling like normal once I do so, but I just feel this overwhelming sense of apprehension and dread. Sort of like my thoughts are spiraling out of control, I feel depressed and completely drained of the will to do even the smallest things like make a phone call or going somewhere. I even find myself counting the minutes, wishing the clock would just stop and I didn't have to go forward. Right now at my mom's house which is the place I really didn't want to end up living at, and I find myself not even wanting to leave here to go back to my dads. I can rationalize and sort out my thoughts briefly, but in little to no time it crumbles again and the flood of anxiety and worry is back. I should be glad that I now have some real options to get out of my situation, and for a while I was. Now that it gets closer to actually leaving though the opposite is becoming true, I feel overwhelmed by where to go and just the choice itself feels impossible. New feelings that I didn't have before are even hitting me like depression, hopelessness, having the fear that everything I find meaningful are worthless and not worth pursuing. I begin thinking that something is wrong with me, maybe it's impossible for me to ever feel alright and I'm broken and should be put on medication and things like that ( which I really wouldn't want to do ).

Thanks for continuing to give me advice, if I didn't have a place to even talk about these feelings a little bit things would probably be even worse. I'm trying hard to sort out my thoughts but it feels impossible.

[Lee Grant Irons]

Good afternoon Dream! :)

Here is another exercise you can do. Brainstorm a list of all of the benefits you will get as a result of moving to this guy's house. For example, one benefit is that you will not have to live within the stressful environment created by the rocky relationship between your Dad and his girlfriend. Another is that you will be one step closer to being independent, having separated yourself from your dependence on your parents. Another is that you will receive the federal benefits of being financially separated from your parents, which include college financing benefits and tax benefits (all education tax credits now go to you rather than your parents). Another is that you will be in a better position to reset your relationship with your Dad as between two adults, rather than an adult and a child. You can probably come up with more benefits based upon your intiate knowledge of your circumstances.

Once you have this list, every time you feel anxiety coming on and feel less sure of your move, review this list and remind yourself of all the ways you will benefit. Sometimes we have to use the positives to push back the darkness of the negatives.

[Dream]

I know that moving is probably the best course of action for me, its just that sometimes my emotions disagree with me. For some reason it's very hard for me to tell myself "everything's fine", because as soon as I do some fear in the back of my mind comes forward and reminds me that something is wrong, even if there really isn't. I'll spend a lot of time in my head convincing myself that my plan is a good idea, only for all that thinking to be crushed and thrown out the window in a moment.

I'm like this for making nearly any decision, it's overwhelmingly difficult for me to pick one. I can feel completely ready and then when it comes time to actually go through with it, all those feelings of anxiety and fear come back and I completely resist the change. It's like a scientist spending hours or days working on an experiment or theory that seems well constructed, only to finish it and suddenly decide that's its wrong and to discard it.

It's difficult because I go through these mood swings of everything being completely alright, which only last for brief moments, to suddenly being scared and anxious and everything being wrong. I'm trying to avoid either of those mindsets right now and I'm just trying to ease into feeling okay, because I know that as soon as I convince myself everything is fine it will turn around on me completely. I think the main thing scaring me about the move is being alone, being trapped with my thoughts and my anxiety and fear overwhelming me. I shouldn't really feel like that, but in the state I'm in that fear feels very real.

Thanks for the continued replies, talking helps.